Little Orphan Danny (#5 Jimmy Z)

Imagine this: Cold, raw meat, igloos, and dog sledding. If you merely envision this collosal combination you will begin to shake uncontrollably from fear and horror. For 6 months I braved these conditions in Alaska, the "Final Frontier". If you are thinking to yourselves right now "Little Orphan Danny you are so brave for doing this" let me assure you it was not my choice. One second I am eating a delicious bowl of Raisan Bran Crunch, the next I wake up tied to a dog sled in Canada. Those dogs of destiny took me all the way to Alaska to stay with my inuit grandparents Bethsheba and Kanut and their son Jim. For a while it was not that bad. Durin the day Jim and I went trecking through the wilderness hunting down caribou and playing Iniut ping-pong. I also found a wife. (The way you find a wife in Alaska is if you see a suitable chickenhead ,which is what women are called in Inuit, you go and search through the chickenheads hair and if you find a tick on her head she becomes your wife.) My wife's name was Oogrooq which means bearded seal in Iniut.

Yes, all was well until LOD, now brimming with confidence and happiness in his new home, tried to overthrow the head chief of the tribe. The other villagers could not decide who they wanted to be their leader. In order to break the tie there was a contest to see who could swim across the bering strait to Russia and back to Alaska the fastest. Now LOD has always been a good swimmer, ever since Bones pushed me into the diving well at age 2 and told me to swim, but I lost. After I lost the villagers banished my chickenhead and I into the wilderness. All they gave me were the furs on my back and my bowstaff. I will not relay to you what happened in the next six months but i will say that Oogrooq went to that big igloo in the sky and I made it back to write this blog about the 5th greatest American of all time.

Jim Zorn ,one of LOD's personal heroes and the football genius that heads the most storied and classy franchise in the National Football League, the Washington Redskins, has been selected and given the coveted honor of being Bones pick for the 5th greatest American of all time. There are more reasons for Jimmy Z to make this list then there are dark hours in an Alaskan summer day so please be patient. To start with there is his look. Is there anything more american than a flattop? The answer is no and Zorn sports one like a young Chris Mullen. The flattop alone would have projected the great Z man into the top 10, but the fact that he uses the "Backyard water park", the "10 dollar fun extravaganza" yes, the slip n slide to teach his quarterbacks to slide before they get hit, made him top 5.

Zorn is also a great American underdog story. Who does not root for underdogs? People who eat Butterfingers (the worlds worst candy) and French canadians. Who eats butterfingers? French Canadians. So besides this one race ,which is a missing dice on the board game that is society, everyone loves underdogs as much as David Stern loves to cheat. Jim Zorn has been an underdog ever since the beginning of his professional football career. He went undrafted out of college and his chances of playing in the NFL looked about as slim as Kate Bosworth post Blue Crush. Against all odds he became the Seahawks starting quarterback from 1976-1983. During these glorius years he showed no regard for the pocket. He made magician like passes that awed the crowd and inspired them to have the same passion and love for their job that this man did for his. LOD believes he is the lone reason that the economy flourished during this time period. Again, when hired as Head Coach of the Washington Redskins Zorn was questioned and verbally destroyed by the media. What did this great American do? He conquered his critics like Ceasar conquered the Gauls. he led the Redskins to a 6-2 start and a very succesful season and is undobtedly primed to hoist the 4th Lombardi Trophy in franchise history this season.

It would take LOD many years to write all the reasons that Jim Zorn is a phenomenal American but since LOD is jacked out of his mind, young, and really, really redicuously good looking I will wait until I am older to undertake such an honorable and chivalrist task. As for right now I will, as is my custom, write an inciteful and life changing poem.

The birds are chirping, the wind is breezy,
I know this guy named Beezy,
he loves bees so much that he gave up cheese
just to be with his bees.
he has a sister named louis
and she can bake a good cake
She woke me up one morning and the birds were breezy
and wind was chirping and i went and saw Beezy and
revealed to me that he had given up his bees to eat cheese

Cosmo Kramer

As Bones has previously stated there are many different interpretations of the American dream and what it means to be a true American. Some think it is to rise from the dregs of society, outwork the masses and become rich. Others believe it is to be born into a wealthy family, drink scotch on the rocks and talk about old money your entire life. There are still more who think it is to farm the land you were born on, marry the first woman you kiss and have as many children/farmhands as possible. Bones understands there to be truth in all these beliefs and that the American Dream was best put into words in this timeless quote by the iconic Archibald MacLeish, "“There are those who will say that the liberation of humanity, the freedom of man and mind is nothing but a dream. They are right. It is the American Dream." Bones agrees with his main man Archibizzle. He thinks that living in a country that strives for equality and freedom unbridled to pursue hapiness in any way that does not desecrate the law is what our forefathers had in mind when they strung together a little thing called the Constitution. There has never been a man who took greater advantage of our countless liberties than Cosmo Kramer.

The other day Bones was returning season 3 of Sex in the City to Blockbuster (which is located next to an organic food store) and witnessed the following scenario: A man in a suit was walking back to his Lexus after returning a movie when another man around the same age wearing a body by brocolli shirt called out, "Is it fun to drive that car around the man's prison all day." His buddy laughed, threw provided a fist pump and added, "I bet you got a life sentence." The man in the suit yelled back, "take a shower, get a job and quit messing up my son's college funds you losers. I will call you when I am done with dinner so you can pick through the scraps." He then proceded to get back in his car, rev the engine a couple times and make a spectacle of his marginally attractive female companion. If Bones were Aesop the moral of this story would be that both parties involved are chiefs. It is not cool to take advantage of the goverment, have no aspirations and heckle people outside organic food stores. However, it is also not cool to brag about money and belittle your fellow Americans. Cosmo Kramer acted like neither of these chiefs. He found a happy median. Kramer was neither an unmotivated slacker or a pretentious jerk. There are countless reasons he arrives at #6 on the list but a las some of you have jobs and I will only discuss the top 3.

He was a savvy businessman: There are some that may refute this claim with the unimportant truth that Cosmo never actually held a steady job. They may also argue that he lived off a large inheritance that he acquired through sheer luck. However, these minor details cannot discount the countless cunning business ventures he made and his ability to take care of money. Unlike the majority of people who inherit fortunes or win the lottery he did not live beyond his means and end up bankrupt. He was perfectly content being in a moderate apartment, preparing his own meals in the shower and only eating out at the local diner. Also unlike many who fall into cash he was not content to simply live off it while doing nothing. He was constantly using his entrapaneul mind to create new avenues for revenue. He had his share of failures, such as the pizzeria where customers cook their pizza, a rickshaw service that employed the homeless, the bro and a tie dispenser, but so did Donald Trump. His roaring successes including a coffee table book about coffee tables, a carriage service and succesful careers as an underwear model and actor. He was also a grizzled vet of thrift stores and one of the most profitable horse race gamblers of all-time. Essentially he was able to live comfortably without ever having to answer to a boss and if that is not the American dream than what is?

He was a ladies man: Although rediculous, one of the ways our society judges a man's success is by how well he does with the ladies. Constantly being surrounded by beautiful women is no goal of Bones but he will admit that this guy seems more American than this one. Kramer had an allure with women that knew no limits. Even lesbians and the strictly relgious could not escape his grasp but he was no womanizer. Knowing he was better as a memory than as their man he gave each of his woman a month or two of unadlutered bliss before selflessly letting them go.

He was hilarious: In a country that holds comedy to the highest standard Kramer was simply the best. The way he entered a room, his gesticulations and his ever changing voice our only a few of the attributes that made him the height of hilarity. Bones could go on for hours describing scene after scene but instead will talk about just one. In this scene Kramer is trying to prove an accountant the group has entrusted money to has a cocaine addiction. Cosmo, who does drink or smoke, goes to the accountant's watering whole to try and catch him in the act. Any inhabitant of this country who can watch Kramer chug a beer while puffing a cigarette, burp out smoke and then place the still lit cigarette backwards in his mouth and not crack a smile should be sent straight to Canada.