Bones begins his barrage on the blogasphere both humbled and confused. He is humbled because almost 300 people have visited his refuge from the real world since he posted an Ode to Ms. Bones (Bones promises it is not just him constantly pressing refresh). He is confused because he is not sure what to think of an entry about his beloved girlfriend being his most popular to date. Should he start a blog writing gut wrenching love balleds and dating advice and cash in on his uncanny ability to make the ladies swoon? Or should he continue to write about the non sense that his previous 8 fans have come to love and expect from their loyal narrator. Even though he could regret this decision more than Buzz Aldrin regrets going with rock against Neil Armstrong in roshambo on the way to the moon he must go with what got him here (where here is he is not exactly sure). Bones has decided to write a belated All-Star break review and make a u-turn on the road to fame.
Bones' will be the first to admit that his preseason predictions were awful. He had the Wizards as his suprise team and the Spurs as the champs. He will not use injuries, hilarious practical jokes involving firearms and the fact that Richard Jefferson apparently died and had Brent Berry take over his body like he was Locke from Lost as excuses. What he will do is atone for his ineptitude with humor (as he has done all his life). Bones refused the all access passes his good friend Dirk Nowitzki left him for All-Star weekend (because it was in Cowboys stadium) but he was able to get many of his favorite players on the phone and asked them the following questions.
Bones: Caron, how are you doing? I must admit that I am happy for you. The Wizards have an awful record and occasionally made you share the court with a midget but you still always played hard. I also think the trade makes Dallas the third best team in the West. However, you did go from the home of the Redskins to that of the Cowboys. What was the first thing you thought when you were traded and how do you feel about the deal overall?
Caron Butler: No offense to the Mavs but the first thing I thought about was Mountain Dew. I mean the Wizards did a lot of strange things in my time there but taking my dew away from me? Come on now! You know what that does to a man going from 2 Liters of Dew a day to none. It's just not right. After I polished off a 6 pack I starting thinking about Dallas. The first thing I thought about was how much I hate cowboys fans. Their obnoxious, cocky and most have never even been to Dallas. But then I thought, wait, I will be in Dallas so all of them there will obviously have been there. Plus, you know there season is always over at least a month before the Super Bowl and that means more attention for the Mavs. I thought about the actual basketball part of the deal last which is strange because you know it's what I do for a living. When I thought about it I was excited. I don't know whether it was the prospect of playing with a german god or the second 6 pack of Mountain Dew but I do know I was definitely excited! I think we can win the whole thing, I don't what the hell you're talking about third for. I ain't scared of Denver or LA. In fact Kobe's scared of me. That's why he got traded from the Lakers. He tried to take a sip of my dew before practice one day and I nearly ended his life right there. Next day I am on a plane to Washington! He should have known better but now I will get my revenge. I might drink 4 liters before we play them!
Bones: Chauncey! I'm so glad I finally get to talk to you. I understand why you wouldn't meet me in person but I promise I'm not a stalker or weird or anything. I just really love your jump shot, how big your arms are, the way you walk out of time outs like you're an All-State quarterback walking down a high school hallway and how you always hit huge shots. When you got traded from the Pistons it was one of the worst days of my life. I still cry everytime Rodney Stuckey misses a 3 in crunch time. I mean we basically traded you for Charlie Villanueva and Ben Gordon. Two guys coming off the bench! There's so much I want to ask you. Do you miss Detroit? Are you glad Joe Dumars looks like he ate the last remaining Pistons fan? How is it being back home in Denver? Do the Nuggets have a real shot at knocking off the Lakers?
Chauncey: Whoa, whoa whoa. Easy young fella. I love my fans but I only got time for one question. You know who you're talking to right?
Bones: Of course you're right, I'm sorry. The two things you are most famous for are big shots and how well-liked you are by your peers. I mean, they call you the mayor. So I guess if I can only ask one question I guess it's how do you manage to be so cool all the time?
Chauncey: You know, it's really hard to answer that. That's just the way its always been. When I was 5 years old my mom bought me these bright red overalls. I knew they weren't cool but my moms bought em and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I wore them on Friday to school and the next monday everyone in my class was wearing the same ugly overalls. It was then I realized that I would always be cool and always be a leader. In middle school the principal didn't make any changes in the school unless they were run by me and in high school 3 teachers asked me to the prom. I used to do stuff in high school just to see if people would copy me. They always did. I wore a ring pop once and they next day, you guessed everyone was sucking sugary goodness from their ring finger. However, I must admit a small amount of thought goes into it. Like, I just feel relaxed in cold climates. I actually have a clause in my contract that states I cannot play anywhere where it gets over 70 during the season. Don't believe me? Look at the teams I have played for. Boston, Toronto, Minnesota, Denver, Detroit and Denver again. I am so cool you can still see my breath on South Beach in summer but it's a personal preference. But if you need advice Bones, I'm sorry, your helpless.
Bones: Kevin my relationship with you is similar to the one I had with a brazilian belly dancer while backpacking through South America. It makes up for what it lacks in length with passion. But while the passion I felt for her made me long for her embrace the passion I feel for you makes me want to punch someone in the face. When you were toiling away in Minnesota I couldn't have cared less about your childish antics. It was when your teammates and the refs knocked the Pistons out of the playoffs that my hatred was born. I hate how you head butt the basket before games, pound your chest after fade away jump shots and how you only talk trash to foreign players. You never played well in big games but masked that by yelling a lot and barking at rookies. Still, Bones has to admit you were one of the best players in the league at one time. But oh how have the mighty have fallen. While watching the Celtics collapse against the Cavs the other night Bones has never been happier. You hobbled up and down the court bricking jumpers off the front rim and missing easy rebounds as Cleveland went on a 26-4 run. That is called karma my friend. My only question I have for you is are you going to continue to scream obscenities and bully point guards from Latvia know that you are a poor man's Antonio McDyess?
Garnett: What did you say to me you #!??? I will ?!?!?!?! if I ever see you. Do you hear me you little &*##*&$#))!!!! Anything is possible! Anything is *##*#&@(@( possible.
Kesha update: Bones' good friend Kesha has followed up her number one hit with a song in which the premise is that she doesn't want guys to hit on her. This is not because she is not interested, it is actually the opposite. She just wants to skip the meaningless talking and get down to "business." Below are actual lyrics.
I don't really care where you live at
Just turn around boy, let me hit that
Don't be a little b**** with your chit chat
Just show me where your d**** at
This definitely bodes well for the future of American music. In a related story my friend Ricky made the following video in homage to Kesha's first song.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Someones got to be #1
Bones wishes this entry could focus on the big game and how Drew Brees' precision passing and a timely turnover helped the Saints win their first Super Bowl and some much deserved happiness to New Orleans. However, for some reason as the game got closer and closer to kick off your loyal narrator became less and less excited. He half-heartedly watched the beginning of the game before completely losing interest at halftime. While it had nothing to do with the Super Bowl there was something that happened on Sunday that inspired him to burst onto the blogasphere and appease the appetite of his loyal readers.
You see my friends on the way to brunch on Sunday Mrs. Bones was listening to the local pop music station which was playing America's Top 40. And while I know anyone reading this just muttered, "Wow I hate Ryan Seacrest" this entry has little to do with the least talented famous person since Carson Daly. (But seriously going from a legend like Casum to Seacrest is worse than Jennifer Anniston rebounding from Brad Pitt with Vince Vaughn. Casum was absolutely classic and was a great ice breaker. Who among us hasn't broken an awkward pause in conversation in a car ride on a first date by saying, "I remember with this song was on America's Top 40. Yea, with Casey Casum. I hated the requests and dedication too.They were so lame but I still listened every Sunday my mom wouldn't let us listen to anything else. Oh man that's great. I'm glad we did this. Applebees is going to be awesome.") You see my friends it was 11:55 which meant that we were about to be treated to the number one song in all the land. As Nostalgia starting to creep in Bones listened to Seacrest tell someone named Kesha that it must be pretty pimp to be a rock star. Kesha agreed that it was in fact pimp to which Seacrest responded, "well it must be really pimp to hear me announce that the new number one song in the United States of America is tick tock by Kesha!" This is when the true madness. The following are actual lyrics from the current number one song in our great nation and what ran through Bones mind the first time he heard them.
Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy (Hey, what up girl?)
So at the beginning of Kesha's story are young starlett rises from bed, opens her eyes and feels like an overweight, African-American male in his 40s. A once respected music mogul who in the last five years is best known for running the Vote or Die campaign and not voting, failing on every season of making the band and now for doing voice overs in Kesha songs. However, he did discover the best rapper of all-time so Bones understands where Kesha is coming from.
Put my glasses on, I’m out the door - I’m gonna hit this city (Let’s go)
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
Cause when I leave for the night, I ain’t coming back
Kesha is young and excited to be alive. She puts on her stunner shades, rolls out the door and is ready to hit the town. (Even though she just stated it's the morning your loyal narrator will give her a pass) Upon hearing the next line Bones threw up in his mouth and nearly drove the car into a mailbox. After Ms. Bones assured me that yes, she really did just say she brushed her teeth with whiskey Bones needed time to digest what just happened. First of all Kesha you liedto Bones. You told me you were out the door to hit this city and then you said before you leave you brush your teeth . So unless you take care of your dental hygiene inbetween your front door and your car you need to reverse those two lines. More importantly, you do what before you leave? You brush your teeth with one of the three wise men? That has to be the most ridiculous line ever uttered in a song and that includes Soulja Boy. But wait. She offers an explanation. She obviously does it because when she leaves for the night (even though again, you just said you woke in the morning feeling like P. Diddy) she's not coming back. If you're leaving and not coming back wouldn't you want to use colgate, mouth was and possibly even floss? On another track on the CD Kesha states that her hair dryer spits out crystal meth and she showers in vodka.
Ain’t got a care in world, but got plenty of beer
Ain’t got no money in my pocket, but I’m already here
This is where Bones realized it was the worst song he had ever heard. It is hard to argue with the two above lines because they mean absolutely nothing. What does not having a care in the world have to do with having a lot of beer? Where are you?
Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger
At this point Bones is beyond flabergasted he needs to get out of the car and get a drink himself that does not involve a tooth brush. Has any man in the world ever said the following, "man those girls are not that hot but I hear they have an above average amount of swagger let't go talk to them." Of course not. And kicking guys to the curb that don't look like Mick Jagger? Bones knows that Jagger rhymes with swagger and that you could't waste that incredible line but Mick Jagger was 44 when you were born. This is the equivalent of Bones saying he kicks em to the curb unless they look like Barbara Walters.
I’m talking about - everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys trying to touch my junk, junk
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk
Let me remind you, this is the number one song in the nation. This is not the number one song listened to by promiscious sorrority girls that brush their teeth with liquor. This is the number one song in our whole country. Besides saying the word at the end of each sentence twice and rhyming two words that mean exactly the same thing within three sentences there are some other problems. Mainly that Kesha refers to what makes her a "lady" as junk. I know this is not exactly a classy track but that sounds like something the Situation would say. "Yo Pauly, you see that girl at Karma. She loved the situation. She tried to touch my junk." However, she does draw the line. Guys can try to touch her junk as much as they want but the moment they get to drunk is when she slaps them? All Bones can say is he is glad he wasn't around for the first 39 songs that are apparently worse than this. It also made Bones wonder if he is going to be one of those dads who talks about how much better music was when he was young and embarrases his kids because he doesn't brush his teeth with a bottle of Jack.
The rap lyric that Bones (and possibly other white people) doesn't understand:
Today's lyrical quandry was uttered by Young Dro in his banger entitled "Rubber Band Banks."
The MC whose name loosely translated means inexperienced marijuana smoke said the following in the third verse,
Ima Chief like an Indian.
Freaks are Caribbean
my feet are amphibian
The first part of this hot fire Bones does not understand is why anyone would openly admit to being a chief. As anyone who follows Bones knows, a chief is the worst possible thing a person can admit to being. Dro brags about money, cars and women the whole song and then ruins it all by admitting to being a Chief? The second line is also perplexing. Freaks are carribean? Is Dro stating that he is hanging out with sexually open women from the Carribean, does he think all people from the Carribean are strange or are there some kind of crazy mutants on the islands that only he knows about? The third line in which he refers to his feet as amphibian is even tougher for Bones to grasp. In the video Dro points to his "gator" boots as he utters these words. This would make perfect sense if Alligators were amphibian but alas they are reptiles. If the line was meant to be "my feet are reptilian" Dro and the countless people that must have seen these lyrics before release are morons if Bones just doesn't understand he is even whiter than he thought.
You see my friends on the way to brunch on Sunday Mrs. Bones was listening to the local pop music station which was playing America's Top 40. And while I know anyone reading this just muttered, "Wow I hate Ryan Seacrest" this entry has little to do with the least talented famous person since Carson Daly. (But seriously going from a legend like Casum to Seacrest is worse than Jennifer Anniston rebounding from Brad Pitt with Vince Vaughn. Casum was absolutely classic and was a great ice breaker. Who among us hasn't broken an awkward pause in conversation in a car ride on a first date by saying, "I remember with this song was on America's Top 40. Yea, with Casey Casum. I hated the requests and dedication too.They were so lame but I still listened every Sunday my mom wouldn't let us listen to anything else. Oh man that's great. I'm glad we did this. Applebees is going to be awesome.") You see my friends it was 11:55 which meant that we were about to be treated to the number one song in all the land. As Nostalgia starting to creep in Bones listened to Seacrest tell someone named Kesha that it must be pretty pimp to be a rock star. Kesha agreed that it was in fact pimp to which Seacrest responded, "well it must be really pimp to hear me announce that the new number one song in the United States of America is tick tock by Kesha!" This is when the true madness. The following are actual lyrics from the current number one song in our great nation and what ran through Bones mind the first time he heard them.
Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy (Hey, what up girl?)
So at the beginning of Kesha's story are young starlett rises from bed, opens her eyes and feels like an overweight, African-American male in his 40s. A once respected music mogul who in the last five years is best known for running the Vote or Die campaign and not voting, failing on every season of making the band and now for doing voice overs in Kesha songs. However, he did discover the best rapper of all-time so Bones understands where Kesha is coming from.
Put my glasses on, I’m out the door - I’m gonna hit this city (Let’s go)
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
Cause when I leave for the night, I ain’t coming back
Kesha is young and excited to be alive. She puts on her stunner shades, rolls out the door and is ready to hit the town. (Even though she just stated it's the morning your loyal narrator will give her a pass) Upon hearing the next line Bones threw up in his mouth and nearly drove the car into a mailbox. After Ms. Bones assured me that yes, she really did just say she brushed her teeth with whiskey Bones needed time to digest what just happened. First of all Kesha you liedto Bones. You told me you were out the door to hit this city and then you said before you leave you brush your teeth . So unless you take care of your dental hygiene inbetween your front door and your car you need to reverse those two lines. More importantly, you do what before you leave? You brush your teeth with one of the three wise men? That has to be the most ridiculous line ever uttered in a song and that includes Soulja Boy. But wait. She offers an explanation. She obviously does it because when she leaves for the night (even though again, you just said you woke in the morning feeling like P. Diddy) she's not coming back. If you're leaving and not coming back wouldn't you want to use colgate, mouth was and possibly even floss? On another track on the CD Kesha states that her hair dryer spits out crystal meth and she showers in vodka.
Ain’t got a care in world, but got plenty of beer
Ain’t got no money in my pocket, but I’m already here
This is where Bones realized it was the worst song he had ever heard. It is hard to argue with the two above lines because they mean absolutely nothing. What does not having a care in the world have to do with having a lot of beer? Where are you?
Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger
At this point Bones is beyond flabergasted he needs to get out of the car and get a drink himself that does not involve a tooth brush. Has any man in the world ever said the following, "man those girls are not that hot but I hear they have an above average amount of swagger let't go talk to them." Of course not. And kicking guys to the curb that don't look like Mick Jagger? Bones knows that Jagger rhymes with swagger and that you could't waste that incredible line but Mick Jagger was 44 when you were born. This is the equivalent of Bones saying he kicks em to the curb unless they look like Barbara Walters.
I’m talking about - everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys trying to touch my junk, junk
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk
Let me remind you, this is the number one song in the nation. This is not the number one song listened to by promiscious sorrority girls that brush their teeth with liquor. This is the number one song in our whole country. Besides saying the word at the end of each sentence twice and rhyming two words that mean exactly the same thing within three sentences there are some other problems. Mainly that Kesha refers to what makes her a "lady" as junk. I know this is not exactly a classy track but that sounds like something the Situation would say. "Yo Pauly, you see that girl at Karma. She loved the situation. She tried to touch my junk." However, she does draw the line. Guys can try to touch her junk as much as they want but the moment they get to drunk is when she slaps them? All Bones can say is he is glad he wasn't around for the first 39 songs that are apparently worse than this. It also made Bones wonder if he is going to be one of those dads who talks about how much better music was when he was young and embarrases his kids because he doesn't brush his teeth with a bottle of Jack.
The rap lyric that Bones (and possibly other white people) doesn't understand:
Today's lyrical quandry was uttered by Young Dro in his banger entitled "Rubber Band Banks."
The MC whose name loosely translated means inexperienced marijuana smoke said the following in the third verse,
Ima Chief like an Indian.
Freaks are Caribbean
my feet are amphibian
The first part of this hot fire Bones does not understand is why anyone would openly admit to being a chief. As anyone who follows Bones knows, a chief is the worst possible thing a person can admit to being. Dro brags about money, cars and women the whole song and then ruins it all by admitting to being a Chief? The second line is also perplexing. Freaks are carribean? Is Dro stating that he is hanging out with sexually open women from the Carribean, does he think all people from the Carribean are strange or are there some kind of crazy mutants on the islands that only he knows about? The third line in which he refers to his feet as amphibian is even tougher for Bones to grasp. In the video Dro points to his "gator" boots as he utters these words. This would make perfect sense if Alligators were amphibian but alas they are reptiles. If the line was meant to be "my feet are reptilian" Dro and the countless people that must have seen these lyrics before release are morons if Bones just doesn't understand he is even whiter than he thought.
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