A long time coming

Bones has actually been busy lately causing a prolonged absence from the blogasphere during one of the most riveting stretches in sports he can remember. Although, Ali Farokhmenesh could fit into LeBron James' pocket Bones must admit the NCAA tournament was watchable. He even swallowed his pride and skipped the Warriors epic battle against the Clippers so he could watch the Final Four. He watched the finals as well but only because David Stern was nice enough not to schedule any games that night to help boost the NCAAs lowly ratings. Also during Bones' absence Tiger Woods returned, the Redskins pulled the trigger on a blockbuster deal and baseball started. Tackling all of these subjects in their entirety would result in Bones leaving The Illiad looking like a prologue and test the patience of even his most loyal followers. As is often the case Bones intellect took over and he realized he could briefly discuss all the topics by simply sifting through the countless e-mails he has received since his last post. So forget about your mundane job, those nagging bill collectors and the fact you haven't felt the touch of a female in quite some time while you enjoy Bones poetic prose on all things sports.

Is Duke the ugliest team to ever win the National Championship? Chris is Philly.
As a young child Bones was an avid Blue Devils fan. He cried every time they lost and even uttered his first curse word (called his cousin the b word at a family gathering) after their loss to Arkansas in the National Championship. However, once he got to college Bones felt it was strange to scream at and revere kids his age who were not paid (it's much better to root for them in $2 parlays) and completely lost interest in the Dukies. As a partisan observer he now understands why much of the public hates Duke (Coach K being portrayed as a saint when he cusses like a sailor and treats refs like CEOs treat secretaries, the overzealous nature of their assistant coaches and the propensity of huge calls to always go their way.) Bones somewhat agrees with all of these complaints but believes their ugliness is exaggerated. The primary reason for this is because white bloggers (losers) and radio hosts are more comfortable calling white players ugly. Since Duke routinely has the highest percentage of crackers of any relevant team and everyone already hates them people get cheap laughs at the expense of these poor floor slappers. Bones is looking at the mug shots for this years team as he types and besides Kyle Singler (Bones really feels bad for Singler. It is not like he doesn't try. He has tried the mop look, the crew cut and the basicwhite person hair cut with little to no success. That being said Bones would gladly trade his mediocre looks for Singler's ugliness and basketball prowess. He draws the line at Popeye Jones) So no they are not the ugliest team ever, not even close. Bones begs those who disagree to look at the white guys on the groundbreaking Texas Western squad who paved the way for African-Americans to dominate the sport.

Can you believe the Eagles traded Donovan McNabb within their division for a second and third round draft pick? What were they thinking?
Every Redskins, Eagles and Cowboys fan I know.


Bones had a magical Easter. He visited the man upstairs house with his immediate family before venturing to a picnic with all 23 of his cousins on his father's side (yes that is actually true and yes your loyal narrator is Catholic). Much of his mother's family was also there. It was a momentous occasion as Bones traded barbs with his relatives in between bites of ham and swigs of Zima. Near the conclusion of this great gathering the older cousins decided what better way to conclude this wonderful day then to go see a mindless comedy like Hot Tub Time Machine (not bad, wait for the DVD). Seconds before the movie was about to start Bones glanced at his iTouch (opened his flip phone with a broken screen) to make sure the ringer was off. Much to his shock he had a month worth of text messages waiting for him. Bones figured the high volume could only mean 3 things: Tim McGraw and Faith Hilll were getting a divorce, Ms. Bones found his pictures from Cabo or something epic had happened with one of his sports teams. It was the latter as all of the texts were about the Eagles trading their franchise quarterback, Donovan McNabb, to Bones beloved Redskins for draft picks. Bones has never been a huge fan of McNabb and is a Jason Campbell advocate which is why his reaction made no sense. He was immediately enthralled. A sense of exctasy encompassed him that he has not felt since Elizabeth Edinborough asked him to prom. Upon furthur review Bones realized there was reason for his optimism. The Skins now have a proven quarterback for the first time since 1992 (Mark Rypien). They also have a signal caller savvy enough to avoid the rush and established enough to command respect in the huddle. Bones also felt good for Campbell in a way. He was never really given a chance in Washington (the revolving door of offensive coordinators, lack of confidence in him by front office and the ineptitude of offensive line) and now he will be able to get a fresh start.
As far as the Eagles go this has to be the second stupidest trade Bones can remember (the first is you guessed it, the Pistons trading Chauncey Billups). The decision of the Eagles to trade McNabb was questionable to start with but let's just say it had to be done. Why would you trade him within your own division when there were other teams offering the same package of draft picks? The only way this ends well for Philly is if Kevin Kolb is the next Joe Montana and McNabb either gets hurt or plays terrible every time he plays against the Eagles the rest of his career. What are the chances of that? A huge deal was made of this but for once the media did not overhype it. They seriously traded a top 10 quarterback to a team that was looking for one and whom they play twice a year. Unreal. Bones still can't get over it but looks forward to McNabb torching the Eagles twice and watching a slew of new Chunky Soup commericals come Super Bowl Sunday.

What do you think about the whole Tiger Woods fiasco? I think he couldn't pull of a win at the Masters because he is still in love with me.
Misty (Waffle House waitress inTulsa)

Bones has never liked golf or Tiger Woods. From the little Bones has observed of Woods he seems to be an extremely selfish person who does everything on his terms and lacks any trace of a sense of humor. That being said Bones does not think Tiger cheating on his wife is any of his business. He also finds it interesting that it is common knowledge that Micheal Jordan and Magic Johnson cheated constantly on their significant others and faced little to no scrutiny. Think about LeBron James. He is the most famous athlete in the United States behind Tiger. His high school sweetheart is reportedly pregnant with their third child. How many people even know that? How many care? Imagine for a second that LeBron was married (as if having three kids with someone is not reason enough to not cheat) and it came out that he was sleeping with a different groupie in every city the Cavs played in. Bones doubts anyone would even blink. However, for some strange reason when this happened with Tiger it is the biggest news story in the country. The whole fiasco left Bones confused but did lead his watching the final round of the Masters which he would have never done otherwise. That means it is completely possible that having the most popular player in their sport emulate Wilt Chimberlain while married may have actually helped golfs sports popularity. What a world we live in.


The Os are terrible. I hate Canada. I hate Mike Gonzalez, I hate my life.
Fred in Charleston.

This is actually a voice mail left on Bones' phone at 7AM by a person who attended opening day and had not gone to bed yet. While it is not a question and was barely coherent it is a perfect explanation of the Orioles 2-12 start to the season. While prognosticators were not predicting Baltimore to make the playoffs in 2010 most were projecting vast improvement. The combination of a young talented nucleus in the field and starting rotation gave a cause for optimism for the first time in over a decade. We should have known better. It is a tired cliche but as an Orioles fan you really must expect the worst thing that can happen to happen at all times. They locked up their stud second baseman Brian Roberts in the off-season to a 4 year 40 million dollar deal. He started the season 1-14 before landing on the DL. They signed lights out Atlanta Braves reliever, Mike Gonzalez, to a 2 year 12 million dollar deal to be their closer. He blows two saves in the first four games and goes to the DL. Felix Pie was the only Oriole position player who started hot hitting .400 over the first 10 games of the season. He suffered a freak back injury while batting and is currently on the 60 day DL. Regulars Miguel Tejada and Nolan Reimold are also battling nagging injuries just 14 games into the season.
The starting pitching has given cause for optimism. However, starting the season 1 for 34 with 2 outs and runners in scoring position effectively wasted 8 quality starts. Bones cannot figure out whether the Os are terrible, cursed or if the priceline negotiator as their manager is costing them in the clutch. What he does know is that a 2-12 start has led to the hatred of owner Peter Angelos to intesify, attendence to plummet even furthur and a dark cloud of hopelessness to poistion itself above Camden Yards that shows no signs of moving.

What are your predictions for the NBA playoffs? I want to know what you think so I can bet the opposite.
Charles in Atlanta

Chuck you've admitted to losing over 10 million dollars gambling and going against Bones is how your going to get it back? You're better than that. Bones forsees Jim Carrey's Mavs topping Ron Jeremy's Magic in 6 games. More importantly, Bones has isolated the 10 most compelling storylines of the first round for his loyal readers.
1) TNT's Microphones: The microphones seem to be extra sensitive for playoff time and Bones could not be happier. Next time you watch a game in the Nuggets-Jazz series count how many times Carlos Boozer yells "get in their girl" as a ball rolls on the rim or Chauncey Billups admonishes a teammate to "dunk that sh**" as they attack the rim. If you're in college turn it into a drinking game. It's truly fantastic stuff. Is their anyway HBO can broadcast a game of this series with Kenyon Martin and JR Smith wearing a mike? Who wouldn't watch that?
2) Kevin Durant's acne: Bones is not poking fun at the league's scoring champion (your loyal narrator battled the dreading bumps in college and it is terrible). Quite the opposite. It is great that shunned youths can watch Durant light defenders up like Christmas trees and think "that's only really noticable in HD. Frat parties are dark. I'm been over thinking this the whole time. I'm back in the game." Even better is imagining how furious Ron Artest must be when a player with pimples drops 40 on him.
3) Jeff Van Gundy: Who knew the coach that always seemed miserable and looks like your weird uncle was hilarious. He's good for at least 5 laugh out loud (brb, smh) moments a game. His banter with Mark Jackson is enertaining and listening to him make fun of his brother while doing a Magic game is priceless. Not since the days of Bill Walton and Steve "Snapper"Jones has a broadcast team shown such promise.
4) Kobe Bryant: Bones is not as concerned with his play as he is with the awkwardness of the all-time great. It is extremely enertaining to watch him dominate a game against the world's best athletes while at the same time seem concerned with his every movement during deadballs. His actions resemble those of a middle school boy in gym class when he knows girls are watching. Nothing seems natural and he tries to overcompensate for this by laughing a lot and constantly engaging in tomfoolery with teammates that seem shocked. Bones favorite part of the whole sherade is when he tells a joke to Walton, Bynum or Sasha. You can tell they hate him and the joke but they force a laugh because they would like to touch the ball and stay on the team.
5) Dick Bevetta: Unfortunately, refs are always an issue in the playoffs. If the Cavs play the Magic in the East and the Lakers play the Mavs or Suns in the West how far will the NBA go to ensure the match up they dream of? Why will everyone in the media refuse to talk about the Magic getting screwed when it inevitably happens? How many anonymous henchman does David Stern have?
6) Mike Brown's inadequacy: Bones gives credit to Brown because the Cavs play hard and he somehow won over LeBron. However, tactically Brown is atrocious. He has arguably the most talented player of all time at his disposal and runs a boring offense that is prone to long stretches of ineptitude. He also has no grasp on when to use time outs, run a play that doesn't result in isolation or adjust his line-up according to match ups. This cost Cleveland dearly last year as he refused to go small despite Rashard continually torching his slow-footed 4 men. Bones forsees a similar result this year followed by LeBron finally realizing Brown will never lead him to the land of milk and honey.
7) Joakin Noah vs. Cleveland: Noah is hated by many but is one of Bones's favorite players. Not only has he turned himself into a really good pro but he completely unloaded on the city of Cleveland prior to game 2. Unlike many athletes when he was asked if he wanted to apologize for his statements he declined. Unless this quote is an apology, "Ah, Man I don't know about this place. Everytime I look out my hotel room I get depressed. It's all factories." He was booed all game and responded by putting up 25 points and 13 rebounds albeit in a loss. Bones predicts the Bulls taking the Cavs to six games before bowing out giving Noah at least one more chance to trounce the mistake by the lake before the season is over.
8) The emergence of Derron Williams: Bones wants to start his opinion on Williams by saying something like, "Although Williams looks like an African-American character in a movie about prohibition he is undoubtedly the most underaprreciated player in the NBA" but feels like this would violate the Duke rule (only make fun of white people's looks if your white state on page 1 of this 50 page entry). So he will simply say that Williams is the best point guard in the playoffs and Bones second favorite player. If Williams is able to put the Jazz on his back and lead them to a defeat of the Nuggets he has to be in the conversation anytime the third best player in the league is discussed. He is a phenomenal, can score in the 30s whenever he feels his team needs it and is as valuable to his team as any player in the NBA. Yet he gets nowhere neer the attention John Stockton recieved while putting up comparable statistics and win totals. Hmmmmm. (Just kidding, I think)
9) The return of Michael Jordan: Since Jordan's retirement it has been revealed that he may not be the best person in the world but it is still great to see him again. After all, he is the greatest player of the time and was the face of the league for over a decade. Even more satisfying is the fact that he is still rocking the hoop earing. It remains to be seen if his airness can revive an anemic Charlotte fan base but it sure is fun watching him berate the refs like old times.
10) TNT defining team roles: Didn't keep up with the NBA regular season? Not to worry. TNT has you covered. During the playoffs, ss a player prepares to shoot foul shots in addition to showing his stats the turner broadcasting network is showing the player's role on the team. Take the Nuggets for example. Carmelo is scoring machine, Chauncey Billups is second scoring option/leader, JR Smith is 3 point marksmen and Kenyon Martin is glue guy. Bones cannot believe he wasted so much time watching the first 82 games! His personnel favorite is Stephen Jackson's which simply reads Captain Jack. Nuff said.

Bones never knows how to end his blogs. It is even harder to wrap up today's marathon entry which encompasses so many different topics. So Bones is turning to a man he has always counted on for advice to help him with this problem. That is right the visionary that is Mike Tyson will help Bones summarize how he feels about the blog he just finished from here on out. Today's quote personifies how your loyal narrator feels after a long and hopefully succesful return to the blogasphere, "My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart...Praise be to Allah!"