Dinner with the Lake Show

Bones is an avid hater of the Lakers. He dislikes Pau Gasol, hates Derek Fisher and despises Kobe Bryant. This being said your loyal narrator always recognizes greatness. Until game 2 of the Finals Kobe and his cronies had been exactly that and despite his hatred of the on court personas of nearly every player on the team Bones has always thought they had an interesting cast of characters. Because of this belief Bones accepted the Black Mamba's invitation to attend a player's only meeting at the great snake's residence. The meeting occurred right before the team got on their flight to Bean town and focused on how they would avoid the same fate that befell them at the hands of the Celtics in 2008. The following is a running commentary of how the meeting went down. (In most cases parenthesis indicate what most players muttered under their breath so Kobe could not hear them)
Kobe: Thank all of you for coming (pause, turn head, stroke face, regain focus). The Celtics are some bad dudes, (stroke face, regain focus) some bad dudes. (Wife walks in with drinks and appetizers) But not as bad as my wife Vanessa. Thanks, baby. That girl is bad. Shaped like an hour glass (does hour glass motion with hands a la Kid Rock in the All Summer Long video). You don't know nothing about thick girls Paul. Haha (smile, stroke face, regain focus)
Pau: You're right Kobe I don't. You're the best. (In Europe we call that fat. What kind of idiot gets married at 21. But at least you didn't defecate your body with an awful tattoo to try to make up for cheating.)
Kobe: But all jokes aside. They whipped our behinds last time. Man, they spanked us. But we're a better, tougher team now. I'm going to start with Fish. Fish is one tough, intense dude. What you think big guy.
Fish: We need to concentrate. We have to really, really focus. Concentration is the key.
Ron-Ron: Man, Chill. I'm from Queensbridge. Made that silly white dude from TNT tell the whole world I was but I guess you didn't hear because you was still on the court with me. The only way we lose is if Lamar's diabetes mess up.
Lamar: What? I don't have diabetes.
Ron-Ron: Then why you always eating skittles. Cuz your blood sugar is low right?
Lamar: Man, I just like candy.
Ron-Ron: Well then why'd you marry that Amazon woman. I figured you did that so you could have a real big athletic child to carry on you lineage in case you passed unexpectedly.
Lamar: Easy Ron that's my wife. I love her.
Ron-Ron: (Man, I know that dude got diabetes)
Kobe: Ron, you a big, rough neck dude. Real rhinoceros like but you're crazy. Just D up Pierce and only shoot when you're wide open. Pau what you think? You were real soft like last time like a big roll of bounty quilted. You know what I'm saying Luke.
Luke: Yea, I feel you. You're the man. (What they hell is he talking about? He's a bigger dork than my dad! I love LA but hate this guy. Quite a quandry. Man I can't wait until the season is over so I can spend more time with Kristen from the Hills and I'm bout to scoop Brody's new chick to. Damn I'm nice!)
Pau: Kobe, you're right. I was soft last time and it's unacceptable. This year I will be strong like the bulls I fight in the off-season. (Wait. What did I just say? I feel like I'm on a blind date with an ugly girl every time I talk to you. I don't care at all if you like me but I'm nervous to say how I feel because we have a long way to go until this thing is over. Why don't you try posting up Kendrick Perkins? He's the strongest guy in the league and he looks like a gargoyle. Plus you shot us out of 2 of the 3 games in Boston in 2008. You remember that? Black Mamba, what the Hell does that even mean?)
Ron-Ron: Man, I wrestled a bull once. They're suprisingly strong but I still won. Sometimes, I wish I was a bull. There responsible for up to 200 cows. That would be the life. I was talking to this Hindu guy the other day at Hardees. He said they believe in the after life you come back as an animal. I might have to look furthur into that.
Sasha: But what if you came back as a bull and they made you a bull-fighting bull?
Kobe: Sasha, who gave you permission to talk! Ray Allen undressed you in 08. He's a bad dude and he killed us in game 2. Beautiful jump shot. Real artistic like. We got to make him put it on the floor and keep Rondo out of the lane. Can you do that fish?
Fish: We must concentrate. We have to really, really focus. Concentration is the key.
Ron-Ron: Has anyone else noticed Ray Allen looks exactly like the actor in He Got Game. It's remarkable.
Lamar: Kobe you got any candy? I'm outa sour skittles.
Ron-Ron: (That dudes got diabetes. No doubt.)
Kobe:Nah, Lamar the Bryant's have always hated candy. It's for the weak.
Sasha: Wasn't your dad's name jelly bean. (Idiot. What's up with that face you make after big shots jutting your teeth out the whole time? You look like me trying not to throw up after taking beer bongs with co-eds at USC. You have a different face every post-season and they never catch. Give it up. You're not Jordan.)
Kobe: Sasha, stop talking. This is your last chance.
Ron-Ron: Who the hell is that old dude that sits right next to our bench and is always yelling at the refs? That fool wears sunglasses at night, inside. You do that in Queensbridge you better be able to back it up.
Lamar: Man, that's Jack Nicholson one of the most famous actors ever.
Ron-Ron: Famous or not he wouldn't last five minutes in Queensbridge. Kobe can you throw me a bad pass and I will run over him at the beginning of Game 5?
Kobe: Game 5 is in Boston the finals have a 2-3-2 format. But I would never throw you a pass anyways. Where is Bynum?
Fish: He's in your living room watching cartoons. He is not concentrating. He is losing focus. Concentration is the key.
Kobe: Man, you guys are some funny, crazy dudes. Real-clown like. Obviously, this meeting is going nowhere. So just get me the ball and move out of the way. I will meet you at the airport Vanessa is putting on the Laker girls' gear real quick. The mamba is a frisky dude. My hormones are abnormally high, real high-school like. I brought in Ron's intellectual equal Mike Tyson to close out the meeting.
Iron Mike: Listen Up. Uncle Mike has got a story for you. "One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand he was out cold, convulsing on the floor like an (infant).” In game 3 pretend the Celtics ruined your stickball bat dedicated to your favorite dead pigeon!!!!