In his short but prestigious 2 year career as a blogger Bones has staged more retirements (but been arrested less and made fewer disparaging remarks about Philipinos) than Floyd Mayweather Jr. However, like money May the promise of a huge payday always brings him back. But while times are hard for the champ Bones has never been happier. His Redskins look legit (even though they folded like Phil Helmuth when he ran into Bones at the Riviera this summer on Sunday), Buck Showalter has the Os showing signs of life (even though they’re still over 30 games out of first place and most teams have stopped trying) and Bones has been promised a book deal (my mom told me if I wrote a book not only would she read it but she would take it to kinko’s make 20 copies and distribute it at her Bible study...now that’s a deal). Ok, so really nothing has changed. In spite of this Bones felt it was right to come back for another season. Somehow the blog counter has continued it’s meteoric rise toward 2,000 (I promised Little Orphan Danny if the counter passes the current year I will stop telling the story about the time he fell over naked in a hamper when he was a young child, a bulls eye was painted on his hind parts and all 7 of his family members took turns shooting blunted arrows at the target with Mountain Man’s bow and arrow) and I cannot continue to let my fans down. Bones will admit this was the hardest decision on what to write about he has ever made. No one cares about baseball until the playoffs, everyone has already read thousands of articles about everything going on in the NFL and until Melo gets traded the NBA is devoid of story lines until the season starts. So Bones went back to the one piece of advice he remembers from the one writing class he took in college (he also remembers Darla Davies, olive skin, long black hair, front left of the room, came straight from the gym in stretch pants everyday). For his first assignment in this class your not so loyal narrator turned in a short story about a popular athlete, who got lots of girls, was the life of the party and had tons of money but realized he would never be happy unless he pursued his lifelong dream of being a stable boy in Louisville, Kentucky. My professor stood my up in front of the entire class and said the following, “Bones this was a terrible story. You have to write about what you know about. You’re not a good athlete, I never see you with any girls around campus, you check the coin return in drink machines when you walk by and your awkwardly shy. Besides looking a little like a horse you have absolutely nothing in common with the story you wrote. Write what you know son. Write what you know.” Since that moment I have written about things I know and tried not the nay in public. And what Bones knows is that people do really weird things that are easy to make fun of. Bones also knows that a small group of people enjoy reading about these absurdities so listed below is the absurdity that bothered your galloping narrator the most this summer.
The water bottle belt - In the great city of Richmond, Va there is a majestic two-lane cobblestone dream located in the historic fan district known as monument avenue. This gem of a transport is lined with historic houses, dogwood trees and statues of members of the losing side in the Civil War. (There is also a hideous statue of Arthur Ashe, in which he appears to be beating frightened children with a tennis racket and books. Richmond claiming Ashe as a modern son when they refused to let him play of public tennis courts because of race is bad enough but placing him on a street lined with Civil War heroes is downright atrocious.) Anyways, it is still a nice street and was most voted one of the ten most beautiful in the nation. Not including the statues there is only one sight that can ruin the daydreams Bones has while cruising the avenue about driving a Model T,rocking a hat like Noah from The Notebook (random tangent about the Notebook. It was on tv the other night and three of my male friends and I watched it instead of thursday night football. Watched the whole thing and I'm not scared to admit it. It's simply a fantastic movie. However, there is one fatal and sexist flaw. What about ROWER?, yes that is how you spell it. He does nothing but give his heart to the woman of his dreams and she turns around and sleeps with her high school sweetheart when they're about to married. Then this saint of a man tells her he still wants to spend forever with her and she rejects him. If Allie and Rower switched genders every woman who had ever seen that movie would call him a selfish, womanizing pig. Instead they all cry tears of joy because Allie got what she wanted. I hope Rower haunts your dream Allie. I HOPE HE HAUNTS YOUR DREAMS!) and listening to the jazz they listen to in every movie during prohibition. What kills this beautiful avenue for Bones is the bevy of joggers who inhabit its sidewalks and medians. It is disconcerting to see someone who has obviously never played a sport flail their limbs about like Jappetto is controlling their every movement while exhibiting a face that can only be cured by Keystone Light (first bitter beer face, now hKeith Stone, subpar beer, phenomenal marketing. Come to think of it I might start calling Jeremy Shockey Keystone Light. He hasn’t been an elite tight end in years but because of a phenomenal marketing team is able to score k-swiss ads with Kenny Powers and trick people into thinking he’s still good) Bones could stomach these feet draggers and fist flailers ruining his escapes to the days of honest mechanics and classy mustaches until a recent influx of an atrocity known as the water bottle belts. These modern marvels are exactly what they sound like. A belt, that has up to 6 compartments where mini 10oz water bottles can be placed when you are on a run. This is possibly the worst invention of all time. Bones was never a great runner, but as he has stated before, mountain man used to literally run 50 miles through the mountains and states he took, "a few sips of water from a fresh spring at mile 34, I will never forgive myself for giving in" during his victorious race. Bones is not saying it is bad idea for teams to take water breaks during practice or for marathoners to chug a cup or two during their 26.2. What he is saying is that people who obviously are running no farther than a 5k do not need 60 ounces of Bobby Boushee's finest strapped to their belt. Not to mention it has to be uncomfortable and Bones has never witnessed a runners pants randomly fall down. He also has never seen one of these posers actually take a sip. Bones ventures to declare that it is much like recreational bikers wearing a yellow jersey or a young Bones rocking a Nick Van Exel jersey during pick up basketball. These runners do it to make other people think they are runners. They think to themselves, "I may look like I am running away from a bees nest in slow motion while jogging on this great street but if people see this awesome belt they will think I am a pro." In spite of this practice bothering Bones so much he can get over it ruining his casual strolls because any exercise is good for America. His boy Iron Mike has a message to help these novices keep their belts strapped and heads up,"Without discipline, no matter how good you are, you are nothing! One day, and I might not be around; you're going to meet a tough guy who takes your best shot. He'll keep coming because he's tough. Don't get discouraged. That's when the discipline comes in."
