Unbelievably, “Bag of Bones” turned out to be a roaring success. I received countless e-mails, letters and text messages demanding more. Unfortunately, these messages demanding more all wanted more stringbean and less Bones. It is sad state of affairs when you must rely on a younger member of your family to remain relevant but if Billy Ray Cyrus can ride his daughter’s coattails then what should stop your loyal narrator to grabbing a hold of the fiery hot comet that is String Bean. We both agreed to not let this ruin our family (Man, I love US weekly)
String Bean has reluctantly agreed to be interviewed. The following went down over a Big Box meal with extra lava sauce. (Why was the agreement reluctant? Disclaimer: The following answer is actually true. The reluctance is present because of an event that happened in the laundry room when string bean was merely 6 years old and your loyal narrator had just blown out sixteen candles with only his pet goldfish as a witness. Seeing your loyal narrator was depressed and always being one to cater to downtrodden spirits Stringbean looked at Bones and said, “you have no friends, you’ve been kissed less than Drew Barrymore and your face looks like someone threw poop at you through a screen door. Can playing hide and go seek really make you any less of a loser?” The answer was no and the game was on. Bones closed his eyes counted to 43,046,721 by multiples of 3, a family tradition, and went to look for the little hellion. Following fifteen fruitless minutes Bones began to lose interest. While looking in the laundry room he threw some clothes he found on the floor, that he would probably be wearing that night, into the dryer to get the wrinkles out. He started to leave the room when he realized something in the dryer was making a substantial amount of noise. He shrugged it off but while walking upstairs he could still hear the crotchety racket and wondered what in the sam hill was going on down there? He jimmylegged downstairs and opened the dryer to find the boy currently known as string bean, red as the dickens in the middle of a pile of britches. Now the boy was born without tear ducts so he was not crying but his skin was as hot as white lightning. If this story is not true I demand google to take all my adds of this blog and the money I had made. Wait, that already happened).
Bones: Do you have anything to say about the dryer story?
Stringbean: First and last time I was ever scared. Now that is how I train. I put myself in the dryer, have one of my lady friends turn it on and try my moves inside it. So basically I have turned my only weakness into a strength. I figure if I can do my moves inside the dryer I can do them anywhere. STRINGBEAN!
Bones: You have gone through a lot stages in life for being so young? Why do you think that is?
Strinbean: Most people act a certain way because they want to be perceived a certain way. I act on how I feel. When I was younger I felt like a rapper so I went by J-Quan. In ninth grade I felt like I could fly so I went by Birdman. Now I feel like I want to look into people’s souls, find their innermost fear, exploit it and destroy them. What better way to do that then to do be a WWE wrestler named after an underrated member of the vegetable family? STRINGBEAN!
Bones: You spent some time in military school as a youth what kind of effect did that have on you?
Stringbean: It simply reinforced everything I already knew. Mainly, that people look up to me and I am a mentally tough machine. You see the problem with those places is that for guys like me that dominate life nothing really changes there. I had one kid in charge of making sure I never got checked for curfew, another bringing me late night fast food and a third making sure I had internet access and cable. The difference between you and I Bones is you would have been one of those servants. STRINGBEAN!
Bones: So you have decided you want to be a professional wrestler and call yourself stringbean. How long are you going to train for? When do you want to officially start your career?
Stringbean: There is no five year plan. I am constantly training. I am always looking for weaknesses and thinking of situations where the stringer can be unleashed. As far as I am concerned my career has already started. I strung up some guy at Taco Bell five minutes ago because he didn’t know where the back up lava sauce is. That’s a warning to people everywhere. Be proud of your life, own your job and always be prepared or you should be expecting a stringer! STRINGBEAN!
Bones: To close give the audience a sample of what a stringbean speech on RAW may sound like.
Stringbean: A lot of you out in the crowd have fear in your eyes. But string bean don’t need these two peepers the good Lord gave him to see it. He can sense it, he can smell it and he can taste it. You are cowering in the presence of the great STRING BEAN! (this will be followed by all his followers echoing bean in unison) And you should be scared because ole string bean (a lower echo) ain’t messing around. If you ain’t grinding, fighting and living your life to the fullest then you ain’t part of bean nation. And if you ain’t no part of bean nation then you can expect a stringer that you won’t soon forget. You see string bean (beeeaan) is just getting started and by the time he is finished there are going to be two groups of folks. Those in bean nation and those trying to remember what it felt like to have a soul because the great STRING BEAN (BEEEEEAAAANNNN!!!) took theirs away. STRING BEAN!!!!! (BEAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!)
