Life is full of disappointments. The older one gets the more disappointed they become. You realize Santa Clause is not real, the opposite sex is not that cool and you read Little Orphan Danny's latest blog (in his defense he had just finished a vision quest that involved peyote, MGMT, Kimmy Gibler and the older brother from Home Alone). The worst part is that you constantly disappoint yourself. It seems like you hit rock bottom time and time again only to sink to new lows. Well, my loyal followers Bones thinks he has finally reached a depth so deep that not even Aron Ralston (that crazy guy that broke his own arm and then cut it off with a dull blade to get out of a life-threatening pickle. In this situation Bones would take a long nap and let the buzzards have an early supper.) could climb out of. He has joined twitter. (Follow me @WhoisMikeBones #I hate my life) Bones has always hated two things; twitter and followers. Now he has joined this decrepit social media brothel and follows an abundance of people he has never heard of. Within a week he realized he is not nearly as funny as he thoughts and no one cares about the thoughts that go through his head. As always Bones' drawn out rant has something to do with helping his loyal followers. Becuase of twitter (@WhoisMikeBones #Imactuallyhilarious) your life narrator now knows that no one cares about his thoughts. But what many of YOU do not somehow know is that no one cares about the ins and outs of your repetitive, monotonous and sometimes depressing lives. So stop posting them on Facebook and blowing up my news feed! Below is a list of the 5 worst offenses in descending order.

#5: The over-dramatic post break up recovery: Everyone gets dumped. (Bones will never forget in 6th grade, dumping 6th grader sweetheart, Breanna Briley, for 8th grade vixen, Becky Broccato and then getting served a huge dose of Karma when Becky asked if he was really a big enough idiot to think she would date a 7th grader while in high school) You probably feel vulnerable, embarrassed and like everyone is watching you. Fear not. Bones has some great news. No one cares! No one is waiting to see how you react and most importantly no one cares that you found your soul mate the next night while at a bar (Middle schoolers know what a rebound is). So please save Bones and the rest of humanity from statuses like the following, "OMG can't believe what I was missing. Spent 3 years in a blind prison but now I have met the man of my dreams. John, thanks for showing me my self worth and what a real man is like!"

#4: The couple that just can't decide what they want to do.
John is in a relationship with Sally-heart picture
John is single broken-heart picture
John is in a relationship with Sally-heart picture
It's complicated with Sally.
John how about you and Sally sit down together offline and decide what you want. Bones has no advice but can tell no matter what you decide, No one cares!

#3 Updates about your job. Getting a promotion that causes you to move or being a Realtor and selling the Playboy mansion are the only two examples Bones can think of that anyone would potentially care about. Mentioning a funny story that happened at work is acceptable (For example, you're an elementary school teacher and a kid pulled one of his dad's Bud heavy's out of his lunch box in the cafeteria.) The reason no one is liking your statuses about making sales, getting asked out to lunch by your boss or how many hours you have worked this week is because no one cares.

#2 Posts/Pictures about your baby: The only people that care about your baby are people you already talk to. The harsh reality is if you have a white baby they are probably ugly (they are pale and have huge heads covered with stringy hair) and its of no concern to people that he kinda almost took his first step. Do the facebook universe a favor and post a funny youtube video. Because when you post a photo of the tiny bug bite little Johnny got on his misshapen head...no one cares.

#1 Posts that have a link to your twitter account: Follow me @WhoisMikeBones #imtheman.