It has been almost seven months
since your loyal narrator has blessed the masses. In this time the Orioles and
Redskins made the playoffs in the same year for the first time since Bones was
born, Ryan Gosling evolved into a cross between Brad Pitt and John Wayne, our
president was reelected and Sweet Frog overtook crack as the nation’s most
addictive drug. Bones needed a way to summarize all the groundbreaking
activities that have occurred during his lengthy hiatus and also address the
upcoming Super Bowl. He figured the best way was to get his assistant Pugsly to
sort through the thousands of e-mails he received during his hiatus and choose
only 4 to be definitely answered by
yours truly.
Why do you hate Ray Lewis so much?
forever thankful for creation,
Ray Lewis
Bones was
the most surprised by this question because in his own words Ray Lewis tries to
“live a humble life” and never does anything to draw attention to himself. That
is if you do not include dancing for 10 minutes before every game, showing fake
emotion any time he thinks the camera is on him and jumping on top of ball carriers
that are already down in an attempt to up his tackle total. Lewis has been a
mediocre linebacker on an average defense the last 3 years but still wants and
receives the attention of a star.
Off the
field Lewis has made his share of mistakes (the famous double homicide case, 6
children out of wedlock, 3 charges of assault brought against him by women and
now the use of illegal substances) and Bones should not pass judgment. However,
it is also impossible to listen to a man praise God for every win (because God
has a rooting interest in the Super Bowl) and ask to be a role model while
constantly failing to be one. Bones roots for both a 49ERS win and for ESPN to
reconsider hiring a hypocritical analyst who may grow antlers.
Am I the best actor alive?
Yours forever,
Ryan Gosling
What is up
body, I mean buddy? Why didn’t just shoot me a tweet? It is hard to argue
against you for three reasons. The first is it is hard to argue about anything
when I am looking in your eyes. The second is with the exception of Gangster Squad you seem to make any
movie watchable and the third is the variety of roles you are capable of
playing.
In the four
movies before Gangster Squad you
played a man trying to hold together a struggling marriage (Blue Valentine 88% on Tomatometer), a
nearly mute getaway driver (Drive 93%),
a suave pick up artist (Crazy, Stupid,
Love 78%) and an up and coming press secretary (Ides of March 85%). You were great in all of them. How you made Drive watchable and carried Steve
Carrill through Crazy, Stupid, Love Bones
will never know.
Every role
you take seems to be carefully made and your performances keep getting better.
After his performance in Silver Linings
Playbook Bradley Cooper seems to be your only real competition at this
point. What’s that Ryan? Behind the Pines
a movie in which you play a bank robber, Cooper plays a police officer and your
real life girlfriend Eva Mendez plays your love interest comes out on March 29th.
Sweet Mercy.
Why can’t I walk?
Forever perfect,
Bob
Bob I know
you have used your mutant like resources to block out the playoff game you
surely would have been victorious in if you were healthy. You see you were hurt
to the point where you could barely walk but like any great competitor you
vowed to stay in the game. The problem is you should have been taken out.
Even at
less than 50 percent you staked your team to a 14-0 lead. However, you were
reinjured. The combination of the terrible field Dan Snyder allowed you to play
on and the brain trauma your head coach has from excessive tanning resulted in
disaster. Any other franchise would have
taken you out of the game when it was clear you could not run or plant to
throw. However, you were drafted by the Redskins.
You hobbled around for another 2
quarters as the lead slowly evaporated. Your leg finally gave out at the start
of the 4th quarter. You are now nursing a second torn ACL, a torn
LCL and a torn meniscus in your other knee that was used to repair the ACL. You
will probably, you will probbb, you, you wont, its just not, its, you will
never be the same Bob. Wahhhhh! You will never be the same!
Bones, what up? I shed the label of bust and we made the
playoffs. I heard you were at Game 1 against the Yankees after watching Bob
play the Falcons. You are the man! How is it possible for me to be jealous of
you? Anyways, we have made no moves this offseason. How do you think we’re
going to be this year?
Matt Wieters
Wieeeeeeeeeeeettttttteeeeeeeeeers! My man. Bones does not
think you will be very good this year and he doesn’t even care. The magical
ride you guys took me through last year was better than the time at Kings
Dominion I rode the backwards rebel yell 18 times in a row. The fact that your
team had a negative run differential the majority of the season and you made no
improvements makes it likely the Buck truck will back its way into fourth place
in the AL East. However, the memories from last year will get us through it!
Orioles magic make it happen!
