40 games in 40 nights

Every year at this times Bones welcome the NBA playoffs with Arms Wide Open as if he were a member of Creed. Even NBA haters cannot deny that there has been more drama in the first week of the NBA playoffs then there was throughout the duration of March Madness. Bones eyes have already been previed to a monumental comeback (Sixers), myriad epic performances (Tony Parker, Rajon Rando, Chauncey Billups) and a shootout that would make patrons at the OK corral shudder (Ben Gordon vs. Ray Allen). In spite of the fact that his Pistons played like they were walking the Green Mile he has never been more excited. However, there are a few trends in the NBA that are beginning to annoy your loyal narrator. The following are Bones' suggestions to his good friend David Stern on how to correct these problems that are undoubtedly turning away countless viewers.

Stop showing the slow motion reaction of players: The fact that the good people at TNT and ESPN continue to show players screaming expletives after huge plays is perplexing to say the least. Bones cannot explain or condone it but has come to accept the fact that hitting a huge shot in a basketball games calls for players to immediately refer to opponents and fans as people that have improper relationships with their mothers. If it is obvious to Bones that Kobe, LeBron and worst of all Garnett do this after every basket shouldn't is also be apparent to those people at these companies who analyze the game tape for countless hours? In spite of this, instead of showing the actual shot or the reaction of the crowd they are intent on showing the faces of the league using the worse word in the English language as a verb, adjective and noun all in the same sentence. This bothers Bones so much because at some point in his legendary stay on the planet he plans on doing the rest of mankind a favor and procreating. He envisions a world where a 20 month old Bones Jr can concentrate on disecting the pick and roll and not the language coming out of the mouths of its executors.

Outlaw Tatoos: Millions just uttered, "you can't do that Bones." To which he replies, "Why the Hell not?" David Stern has already told his players what they can and cannot wear to games so why can't, like 90 percent of bosses in America, he also tell them they cannot have tatoos that show in their work clothes. Obviously, soap and water will not work for the likes of Matt Barnes, Stephen Jackson or the Denver Nuggets but he could make the rule for all incoming employees. Personally, Bones does not care if these players want to desicrate their bodies but believes that the average fan would prefer not to watch a bunch of players that are afraid of the sight of their own skin on the tube.

Have the refs swallow their whistles: Bones is not calling for an only the strong survive free for all but the soft nature of the NBA is becoming a little much. It has gotten to the point that everytime LeBron, Kobe, or D-Wade enters the lane Bones is shocked if they do not end up shooting two. It is true that this trend started with Jordan but it is worse now because it currently applies to all star players and the weak calls are even more frequent. It also bothers Bones that in the rare cases where the stars do not get a call they stare down the refs, throw their hands in the air and refuse to run back on defense. The final thing about the men in stripes that irritates Bones is the way they handle hard fouls. If a player drives the lane during the postseason he should expect to be fouled hard. Unless the player is undercut or clotheslined it should not be intentional. The playoffs would flow more smoothly if stars were not shooting 20 FTs a game and every hard foul was not followed by the refs sprinting towards the play with their arms crossed.

Let Marv Albert return to the NBA Finals: Bones realizes that Mr. Albert works for TNT and the NBA Finals is an ABC, ESPN family affair but something needs to be worked out. The claim that he allegedly likes to pretend he is Mrs. Albert has nothing to do with his announcing ability. His effortless calls and banter would improve the broadcast of the event more than anything short of Stuart Scott wearing a muzzle. For now, Bones can only dream of Marv uttering the following call, "Bryant dribbles up top, he has been showing some signs, drives right and pulls up over James, YES!

I hate to deter from my rigid format but since I hope to know gather my Chief of the week from the submission of my readers, I will be writing a new section entitled, "Rap Lyric Bones and possibly other Caucasians do not understand," section. Bones hopes the masses enjoy.

Since his middle school days of replica jerseys, dark denim and Wu-Wear Bones has blessed his ears with music of the urban variety. The fact that he can understand very little and relate to even less of the content in these songs has never been bothersome. However, there are times ,when hearing a particularly foreign lyric he would like to be able to ask someone the meaning. That is the point of this section. It is not for your entertainment but to allow Bones to ask his readers for clarification and save him the embarrasment of thinking that Adina Howard wanted a breathmint, and not a roughneck, brother to satisfy her or of thinking that Snoop and Dr. Dre didn't like girls instead of the harsh truth of them not giving an expletive about Hos.

Today's lyric Bones does not understand comes form his Boy Young LA. In the remix of the club banger Ain't I Mr. LA flows about all the aspects of life rappers pride themselves on. In the chorus Young asks, "Ain't I smoking stong/Ain't my money long/Ain't I rocking yays/Ain't my money long/Ain't I In the ville/Ain't I on a hill/Ain't I on a pill/Ain't I, Ain't I Ain't I real?" Dr. Seuss would be so proud. Bones semi-understands all these nursery school rhymes. What he does not understand is when Young LA asks the haters the peculiar question of, "Don't I like my vegetables with extra cheese and brocolli?" This bothers Bones for two main reasons. For One, brocolli is a vegetatable. One cannot say that they like their vegetables with another vegatable. It is the equivalent of saying, "Don't I like my fruit with extra cream and strawberries?" It simply does not make sense. The second reason the lyric knaws at the darkest regions of hisinner being is there is simply now way he is bragging about his high intake of greens and velvetta. There has to be a deeper, more "ballin", meaning and Bones longs to know it.

Chief of the Week: This week's entry comes from Jason in Charleston. Bones was in the southern beauty of a town winning dance offs all weekend but never met up with a good friend because of the clumsiness of the following chief.

As your faithful reader was leaving the Market Street Saloon, aka "We wish we were Coyote Ugly, but our bartenders are busted and our bouncers only dream of being as cool as Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse," to go find Bones and the bachelor party he was with, I realized that being able to choose one chief out of the myriad of possibilities would be about as likely as Adam Dunn hitting above .230 this season. However, on the way out, one potential Chief stole the headdress and anointed himself. As your reader was walking out with his lucky choice of the night, this Brave decided to take the "I see you with your guy, but I'm going to go for it anyway" approach. As he approached the slender Adonis who was so eagerly clinging to your reader and uttered "hey girl Why don't you ditch the zero and get with the hero," his left foot slipped out from under him on the second of several stairs leading towards the front door. As his ripped jeans slammed the ground with his arms flailing through the air, your reader was momentarily concerned for his life. However, the loud clanging noise made by his Jersey-gelled-hair-helmet when it smashed the stairs ensured that all brain function would resume normal operation without any concussion. As he slowly pulled himself up off the ground, each occupant of the crowded stairwell raised their hand in a curled fashion, much like the letter C, and yelled CHIEEEEEFFFFFFF!!!!!!Your reader is thankful for this moment, for not only did it represent an obvious instance of Karma getting the best of someone, it was a moment of clarity in an otherwise difficult process of choosing one Chief out of countless possibilities seen each night in the bar scene in Charleston. If your reader ever sees this Chief again, he might even consider thanking him for such a favor. Of course, it's much more likely that I'll just point at him and yell "CHIEEEEEFFFFFF!!!!!" Jason thank your for your contribtuion. If any of my loyal readers know Mr. LA's intentions or see a chief before our next meeting please point them out and let Bones know about it.

This is Birdland!

Bones apologizes for the long hiatus but the overbearing stress and pressure of being a blogger left me needing a vacation worse than Young Jeezy. However, I attack the blogasphere today like a newly divorced cougar attacking a bachelor party. Since I picked the NBA season and NCAA tournament exactly (see West Virginia) thousands of my loyal readers have e-mailed over the last few weeks begging me not to write a major league baseball preview. The majority of them are strikingly similar to the following which was sent by one of Bones' most avid readers, Joe in LA.

Dear Bones,

If you could skip writing an MLB preview I would greatly appreciate it. I loved your NBA regular season and NCAA tournament previews until I realized I was reading the future. Some of us still love the great American pastime and would like to actually be suprised by this seasons' results.

PS...How many games are the Dodgers going to win?

To answer Joe's e-mail, 93 and since Bones does not want to disapoint the readers who make his myriad sponsers possible he will compromise. There will not be a comprehensive preview but he must glimpse into the future to provide the 2009 World Series Champions to those readers who like to take advantage of such information. For those who think Bones is about to ruin the season for them he suggests you thinks of this nugget of knowledge as you would an episode of Full House. You always knew the sitcom concluded with the Tanners hugging it out in the living room but did that make the journey the family took to get there any less riveting?

Without furthur ado I am about to break down the greatest team ever assembled position by position and present the reasons why the Baltimore Orioles will be the 2009 World Series Champions. Most years one could make the argument that giving a comprehensive preview of the Orioles while shunning the other 29 teams is like only paying attention to this picture of Jessica Simpson and ignoring this, this and this. However, this is a new year, this is Birdland.

Manager- Dave Trembley may look more like a guy that dominates the checker table at your local Cracker Barrel than a guy who manages a major league baseball team but don't let that fool you. There is a heart of a lion inside that pear-shaped man. In addition he is good for at least two memorable tirades a year and what does a manager really have to do in an American League? Whatever it is, Trembley is the best at it.

Infield - Even the most realistic of prognasticators would agree that the addition of Cesar Itzturis gives the Orioles the best infield in major league history. Adding the best defensive shortstop since Ozzie Smith to an infield that already includes Aubrey Huff, Brian Roberts and Melvin Mora is the equivalent of Mark Cuban winning the lottery. Although Huff might not be the smartest guy in the world, (he publicly bashed the city of Baltimore and stated he would rather pleasure himself than read a scouting report) he is the most feared left hander since Joe DiMaggio. Roberts has the best range in the show. He is also a lock to lead the AL in On base percentage and doubles. In addition to being more fertile than Adonis, Mora is a power-hitting defensive wizard. His current stint on the DL is no more than a speed bump on the road to destiny.

Outfield - In right field Nick Markakis is one of the brightest young stars in the game. He glides
around the outfield like Apollo Ohno while hitting for both average in power. Unbelivably, it is possible centerfield Adam Jones has even more potential than Markakis. Jones is a right-handed who will bat .300, hit over 20 bombs and produce webgems with relative ease. Fans at Camden yards have a better chance of seeing an attractive Red Sox or Yankees fan than witnessing a ball drop in right center between these two phenoms. Luke Scott and his mullet should be good for 20 HRs and 80 RBI just like last year.

Bullpen - The overpowering stuff of Chris Ray, Dennis Sarfarte and Chris Ray will leave opponents on Bended Knee as is they were Boyz II Men while the craftiness of veterans of Jamie Walker and George Sherill will dominated using pitches more suprising than Mike Tyson's extensive vocabulary. This merry band of veterans should be able to protect the massive leads the Orioles offense will be producing on a nightly basis.

Starting Pitching - Jeremy Guthrie is turning into a legitimate ace and Koji Uehara is the Japanese Greg Maddux. The problem is other than these two stalwarts Orioles starters would struggle to register a winning record in Triple A. But like anyone who knows baseball would say starting pitching is unimportant and overated. Bones envisions Guthrie and Uehara having a combined record of approximately 49-3 and the offense carrying the team to at least another 5o wins.

After the Orioles win the toughest division in baseball they will bea the Mariners in 6 games, the Yankees in 7 and breeze by the Marlins in 5. The city of Baltimore will rejoice and Jim Palmer will retire from the broadcast booth to add to the feeling of exctasy encompassing the city.

Bones also must apologize for the delay in the dropping of his first music video Blogggging. The producer he hired, knows as primetime, has been out of town. However, he is now back and the video will be recorded tommorow and uploaded on youtube in the near future. Hope everyone has a good weekend and if you see a chief make sure to point them out and let Bones know about it come Monday.