40 games in 40 nights

Every year at this times Bones welcome the NBA playoffs with Arms Wide Open as if he were a member of Creed. Even NBA haters cannot deny that there has been more drama in the first week of the NBA playoffs then there was throughout the duration of March Madness. Bones eyes have already been previed to a monumental comeback (Sixers), myriad epic performances (Tony Parker, Rajon Rando, Chauncey Billups) and a shootout that would make patrons at the OK corral shudder (Ben Gordon vs. Ray Allen). In spite of the fact that his Pistons played like they were walking the Green Mile he has never been more excited. However, there are a few trends in the NBA that are beginning to annoy your loyal narrator. The following are Bones' suggestions to his good friend David Stern on how to correct these problems that are undoubtedly turning away countless viewers.

Stop showing the slow motion reaction of players: The fact that the good people at TNT and ESPN continue to show players screaming expletives after huge plays is perplexing to say the least. Bones cannot explain or condone it but has come to accept the fact that hitting a huge shot in a basketball games calls for players to immediately refer to opponents and fans as people that have improper relationships with their mothers. If it is obvious to Bones that Kobe, LeBron and worst of all Garnett do this after every basket shouldn't is also be apparent to those people at these companies who analyze the game tape for countless hours? In spite of this, instead of showing the actual shot or the reaction of the crowd they are intent on showing the faces of the league using the worse word in the English language as a verb, adjective and noun all in the same sentence. This bothers Bones so much because at some point in his legendary stay on the planet he plans on doing the rest of mankind a favor and procreating. He envisions a world where a 20 month old Bones Jr can concentrate on disecting the pick and roll and not the language coming out of the mouths of its executors.

Outlaw Tatoos: Millions just uttered, "you can't do that Bones." To which he replies, "Why the Hell not?" David Stern has already told his players what they can and cannot wear to games so why can't, like 90 percent of bosses in America, he also tell them they cannot have tatoos that show in their work clothes. Obviously, soap and water will not work for the likes of Matt Barnes, Stephen Jackson or the Denver Nuggets but he could make the rule for all incoming employees. Personally, Bones does not care if these players want to desicrate their bodies but believes that the average fan would prefer not to watch a bunch of players that are afraid of the sight of their own skin on the tube.

Have the refs swallow their whistles: Bones is not calling for an only the strong survive free for all but the soft nature of the NBA is becoming a little much. It has gotten to the point that everytime LeBron, Kobe, or D-Wade enters the lane Bones is shocked if they do not end up shooting two. It is true that this trend started with Jordan but it is worse now because it currently applies to all star players and the weak calls are even more frequent. It also bothers Bones that in the rare cases where the stars do not get a call they stare down the refs, throw their hands in the air and refuse to run back on defense. The final thing about the men in stripes that irritates Bones is the way they handle hard fouls. If a player drives the lane during the postseason he should expect to be fouled hard. Unless the player is undercut or clotheslined it should not be intentional. The playoffs would flow more smoothly if stars were not shooting 20 FTs a game and every hard foul was not followed by the refs sprinting towards the play with their arms crossed.

Let Marv Albert return to the NBA Finals: Bones realizes that Mr. Albert works for TNT and the NBA Finals is an ABC, ESPN family affair but something needs to be worked out. The claim that he allegedly likes to pretend he is Mrs. Albert has nothing to do with his announcing ability. His effortless calls and banter would improve the broadcast of the event more than anything short of Stuart Scott wearing a muzzle. For now, Bones can only dream of Marv uttering the following call, "Bryant dribbles up top, he has been showing some signs, drives right and pulls up over James, YES!

I hate to deter from my rigid format but since I hope to know gather my Chief of the week from the submission of my readers, I will be writing a new section entitled, "Rap Lyric Bones and possibly other Caucasians do not understand," section. Bones hopes the masses enjoy.

Since his middle school days of replica jerseys, dark denim and Wu-Wear Bones has blessed his ears with music of the urban variety. The fact that he can understand very little and relate to even less of the content in these songs has never been bothersome. However, there are times ,when hearing a particularly foreign lyric he would like to be able to ask someone the meaning. That is the point of this section. It is not for your entertainment but to allow Bones to ask his readers for clarification and save him the embarrasment of thinking that Adina Howard wanted a breathmint, and not a roughneck, brother to satisfy her or of thinking that Snoop and Dr. Dre didn't like girls instead of the harsh truth of them not giving an expletive about Hos.

Today's lyric Bones does not understand comes form his Boy Young LA. In the remix of the club banger Ain't I Mr. LA flows about all the aspects of life rappers pride themselves on. In the chorus Young asks, "Ain't I smoking stong/Ain't my money long/Ain't I rocking yays/Ain't my money long/Ain't I In the ville/Ain't I on a hill/Ain't I on a pill/Ain't I, Ain't I Ain't I real?" Dr. Seuss would be so proud. Bones semi-understands all these nursery school rhymes. What he does not understand is when Young LA asks the haters the peculiar question of, "Don't I like my vegetables with extra cheese and brocolli?" This bothers Bones for two main reasons. For One, brocolli is a vegetatable. One cannot say that they like their vegetables with another vegatable. It is the equivalent of saying, "Don't I like my fruit with extra cream and strawberries?" It simply does not make sense. The second reason the lyric knaws at the darkest regions of hisinner being is there is simply now way he is bragging about his high intake of greens and velvetta. There has to be a deeper, more "ballin", meaning and Bones longs to know it.

Chief of the Week: This week's entry comes from Jason in Charleston. Bones was in the southern beauty of a town winning dance offs all weekend but never met up with a good friend because of the clumsiness of the following chief.

As your faithful reader was leaving the Market Street Saloon, aka "We wish we were Coyote Ugly, but our bartenders are busted and our bouncers only dream of being as cool as Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse," to go find Bones and the bachelor party he was with, I realized that being able to choose one chief out of the myriad of possibilities would be about as likely as Adam Dunn hitting above .230 this season. However, on the way out, one potential Chief stole the headdress and anointed himself. As your reader was walking out with his lucky choice of the night, this Brave decided to take the "I see you with your guy, but I'm going to go for it anyway" approach. As he approached the slender Adonis who was so eagerly clinging to your reader and uttered "hey girl Why don't you ditch the zero and get with the hero," his left foot slipped out from under him on the second of several stairs leading towards the front door. As his ripped jeans slammed the ground with his arms flailing through the air, your reader was momentarily concerned for his life. However, the loud clanging noise made by his Jersey-gelled-hair-helmet when it smashed the stairs ensured that all brain function would resume normal operation without any concussion. As he slowly pulled himself up off the ground, each occupant of the crowded stairwell raised their hand in a curled fashion, much like the letter C, and yelled CHIEEEEEFFFFFFF!!!!!!Your reader is thankful for this moment, for not only did it represent an obvious instance of Karma getting the best of someone, it was a moment of clarity in an otherwise difficult process of choosing one Chief out of countless possibilities seen each night in the bar scene in Charleston. If your reader ever sees this Chief again, he might even consider thanking him for such a favor. Of course, it's much more likely that I'll just point at him and yell "CHIEEEEEFFFFFF!!!!!" Jason thank your for your contribtuion. If any of my loyal readers know Mr. LA's intentions or see a chief before our next meeting please point them out and let Bones know about it.