THIS IS AMERICA!

Bones returns to the blogasphere flattered, confused and a little hurt. Sadly your loyal narrator is aware of all the rumors. He has seen the headlines in US Weekly and heard the venom spewed from Ryan Seacrest's lips. "He has writers block, he can't perform without PEDs, the pressure was to much so he faked his death and is living in a hut with Tupac." Of course none of these proposterous allegations contain one inkling of truth. If professional athletes deserve an offseason so does Bones. For the past month and a half he has been around the World as if he were Mase, so why all the player hating? During his hiatus Bones observed a bull fight in Madrid, went on a Safari in Australia with Hugh Jackman, played polo with the most interesting man in the world in South Africa and ate at a Cracker Barrel in Kansas City. Despite feeling hurt Bones also feels refreshed, motivated and better than ever. With this great nations birthday looming less than a fortnight away Bones has deemed it appropriate to write about the 10 greatest Americans of all time. He will write 10 seperate blogs before this sacred holiday, each dedicated to a patriot who has left an impact on this great land. Some may be only a sentence others may be pages long. He begins today at #10 with a man who is the epitomy of the American dream.


#10 JARED FROM SUBWAY Is there anything more American than making a fortune and being famous without having any talent? It is true that I could have also placed countrymen like Carson Daly, Perez Hilton, Paris Hilton and the guy who hosted America's Funniest Home Videos after Bob Saget in this spot but all of them at least had something positive going for them. Jared has nothing. He's not good looking, he can't act, his parents aren't rich and he dresses like he is trying to fend off the opposite sex. When it comes down to it the man actually got famous because he was fat. If he hadn't allowed his body to baloon to over 400 pounds he could have never made up this proposterous diet and parlayed that into a career as an awkward spokesman showing off his old pairs of pants. (Barely failing to make the top ten is the marketing director at Subway during the time when this campaign was lauched, we will call him Tim. Tim somehow convinced overweight people that the best way to become thin was to stuff down 12 inch hoagies. Taking advantage of America's propensity to ignore details Tim showed them one extreme case and made them believe it could happen to them. He knew that the majority of people would never know that jared ate a veggie sub for dinner every night. He also knew they would never read the fine print informing them that the subs are only good for you if you do not top them with cheese, mayonaise, oil, vinergar, salt, pepper or anything else that masks the awfulness that is Subway.)

Howeve, Jared is Bones' 10th greatest American of all time so it is time to give him some credit. In spite of being on the opposite end of the spectrum of LeBron James in the genetic lottery Jared has been quite succesful. He has been on commercials for over 10 years and has written a book. He has been able to make a living flying around the country and representing subway and has met some of the most famous people in the world while doing it. The only real work he has actually had to do is eat Subway without any of the toppings. So Jared congratulations Bones looks forward to watching your awkward interactions with celebrities and continuing to not eat at Subway for years to come.