In Bones life he has been lucky countless times. He was lucky to be the oldest and best looking of six children. He was lucky to be born to loving and caring parents that did not realize his plight earlier and send him to trade school. He is lucky to have made great friends everywhere he has gone despite talking incessintly. He is also extremely lucky to have landed Mrs. Bones who despite having to deal with his tireless antics for the past three years is still somehow alive and well. However, rarely have the stars ever aligned in such a fashion for your loyal narrator. You see Bones had already decided to make Andy Roddick his number 8 American of all time for a variety of reasons. Then he gets out of work early on a Monday. After accesorizing and moisturizing Bones sat on his couch only to find that Mr. Roddick was about to play. So not only can he write a blog about why Andy deserves the spot but he can do so while keeping a running diary of the matches proceedings. As always the reader will be the true winner.
1:40 Andy Roddick is playing Thomas Berdych who is not from America so he is no friend of Bones. The two competitors have the similar stregths of serves and foreheads and also the similar deficencies of weak back hands and volleys. Roddick is the 2-1 favorite but when your married to Brooklyn Decker motivation is always a question.
1:55: Roddick and Berdych are exchanging aces at a dizzying paces and breaks of serve promise to be as common as all straight casts on the Real World.
2:19: As Bones predicted both players cruised through their service games and have arrived at a first set tie break. Berdych double faults on the first point of the tie break and Roddick does his patenent shoulder wind and pulls his shirt up. I would question if he does the shirt pull to show off his abs but when you are sporting this on your arm there is no need. The double fault was all Roddick needed as he wins every point on his serve and takes the first set.
2:31: With the second set in its early stages it gives Bones a chance to discuss some of the reasons besides this that Roddick lands on the notorious list. Roddick seems like the kind of guy that does not take himself to seriously. He is extremely competitive but after tough losses he often humurously mocks his own poor play. After wins he is humble but he is also not afraid to call out opponents whose antics may have been too much. Listening to him call Djokovic out for whining or yelling at a cameraman who is snapping pictures of his wife during a point, now that's American! Bones also loves Roddick because he wears Lacoste. "But Bones Lacoste is French." Bones is aware of this fact but believes Roddick wears it for the sole reason to show the pretentious, metrosexual French that he can look better in their gear than even they think they do. However, his support of the deodarant shunners ends there as he refuses to eat mayonaise and still orders large freedom fries with his American fast food combos.
2:54: In a stunning development at 4-5 in the second set Roddick notches the first break of the match and takes a commanding lead two set lead. The American is playing nearly flawless tennis. Hopefully, unlike his soccer playing countrymen he knows how to kick a foreigner when their down.
3:15: Roddick breaks to go up 4-2 in the third and this match is all but over. Bones has been watching Mr. Roddick, as a strictly heterosexual fan of sports, since the beginning of his career and can never remember him playing this well.
3:30 Roddick easily serves out the match making a man who had not dropped a set yet in the tournament look like a qualifier. Next up is the feisty Australian Lleyton Hewitt. If he can ignore Hewitt's excessive screaming after inconsequential points it would set up a potential match up with England's great hope Andy Murray. Why England's great hope is a man from Scotland Bones is not sure. He understands a brit has not won Wimbledon since 1936 and that a brit is defined as anyone from Great Britian. However, this does not help Bones understand why the English root for Murray. Wouldn't that be the equivalent of an American rooting for a Canadian or a Mexican to end a United States drought at the US Open? Bones will never know but does know two things: British people don't floss and that Roddick crushing the whole United Kingdom's hopes on Center Court the day before July 4 is about as American as Spencer Pratt being famous.
3:47: Roddick gives an interview like he has a plane to catch but this is only because this is waiting for him and he desperately needs to update his twitter. It currently says, "Damn I jinxed them." Evidently, Andy thinks he caused the United States men's soccer team to lose to Brazil. Here's to hoping Bones hasn't jinxed Roddick and we will all we celebrating his first Wimbledon title while eating hot dogs this weekend.
Monday, June 29, 2009
#8 Dr. Montenier
Dr. Jules Bernard Montenier - Bones has no respect for his readers who have never heard of the good Dr. Montenier. He can forgive most transgressions but ignorance is simply not one of them. Bones has known about Dr. Montenier since he was eleven years old when he recieved a stick of Old Spice in his Easter Basket. The magic substance allowed Bones to mask his nervousness whenever his 5th grade crush Natasha Nightingale was within 100 yards of him by staying dry and allowing him to emit his stunningly seductive pheromones. Needless to say Natasha checked the no box when Bones finally got the nerve to pass her a note in class but thanks to Dr. Montenier it was not because he stunk. Bones was extremely thankful to the Easter Bunny for this gift, but always an eager learner, he also longed to know the origin of deadorant. He strolled down to the school library, immersed himself in the card catalog and was intoduced to this great man.
As anyone who knows how to use context clues has figured out by know Dr. Montenier or Jules, as he preferred to be called, is accepted in most circles as the inventor of modern day deodarant. There are naysayers who say his appearances as a sponser on the 1950s classic"What's my line?" gave him unfair credit but Bones knows better. Jules was one of the best cosmetic chemists of all-time and not a man to take credit he didn't deserve. So let's give the Doc some credit. Because of him we live in a country where smelling bad is a choice not a neccesity, where girls smell as good at 5 in the afternoon as they did at 9 in the morning and where the husky, bald guy in your local pick up game should smell the same as everyone else. Believe Bones that Jules spot is warranted and save yourself a trip to France.
As anyone who knows how to use context clues has figured out by know Dr. Montenier or Jules, as he preferred to be called, is accepted in most circles as the inventor of modern day deodarant. There are naysayers who say his appearances as a sponser on the 1950s classic"What's my line?" gave him unfair credit but Bones knows better. Jules was one of the best cosmetic chemists of all-time and not a man to take credit he didn't deserve. So let's give the Doc some credit. Because of him we live in a country where smelling bad is a choice not a neccesity, where girls smell as good at 5 in the afternoon as they did at 9 in the morning and where the husky, bald guy in your local pick up game should smell the same as everyone else. Believe Bones that Jules spot is warranted and save yourself a trip to France.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
The Good Stuff!
#9 Kenny Chesney – There are only two kinds of people that do not like country music. The first are from indigenous tribes and thus have never heard such music. The second are the naïve who believe anyone who likes country is a redneck and refuse to give it a chance. These people can be overheard uttering preposterous comments like, “How do you listen to that yo? Real Talk B, every song is about some guy getting drunk, getting dumped by his girlfriend or losing his dog.” Sadly, Bones used to be part of this ridiculous sect of society. As a young wanna be rapper Bones used to utter some of these exact same fallacies. He believed country was only for the simple minded and faint of heart. Bones was taught the error of his ways the moment he was introduced to Kenny Chesney.
As a high school student Bones really did not do much. He shunned pagan activities like drinking and talking to girls and paid homage to his Omish brothers by refusing to get his license until he was almost 18. Bones’ weekends consisted of he and his friend, Shark, cruising around the suburbs and listening to music. While Shark mostly stuck to Notorious, Tupac and Bone Thugs he would occasionally mix in a country song. This would lead to the passenger side window being rolled down and Bones head being stuck out of it. However, there was one CD that reminded Bones of the fat girl in class not crossing her legs. No matter how much he wanted to look away he simply couldn’t. There was an unstoppable rebel force causing him to listen. As Shark continued to play this CD over and over Bones still pretended to be in utter torment on the outside but inside there was a peace he had only previously discovered upon conclusion of yoga classes. As he heard Mr. Chesney cover everything from summer flings, to high school sports, to parties, to heartache he realized that Kenny was the exact opposite of how he had unfairly characterized country music. This was not music about tractors, Budweiser and your wife running off with your brother, this was music about life. In addition, the music was uplifting and soothed Bones’ doubt during the duos dangerous voyages through the mean streets. Bones attended his first concert around a year later and has been living by the motto no shirt, no shoes, no problems every since.
In addition to opening Bones’ eyes to his favorite genre of music and helping him realize all his problems were directly related to wearing shoes and shirts Kenny Chesney secured the coveted #9 spot because he exhibits a bevy of qualities that make America great. For one he is extremely persistent. Chesney experienced little success in his first few albums but continued to plug away knowing he contained platinum magic inside his 5’4 130 pound frame. Eventually he came up with a few hits and the rest is history.
Chesney also knows how to throw a great party which anyone who has ever attended one of his concerts can attest to. He has managed to create an atmosphere at his concerts that resembles a frat party with 40,000 of your closest friends. For one night everyone seems to forget their differences, problems and bank account statements and love each other while drinking $11 Bud Lights. If that’s not America I don’t know what is.
Lastly, Chesney is a great decision maker. Not only was he able to get his marriage with Renee Zelwegger annulled but he is also constantly reinventing himself. He has gone from singing about his roots in a small town in Tennessee to his current life which focuses on the islands. Some claim Chesney sold out but not Bones. If the man released 10 albums focused upon small time living would we really still be listening? Instead of leaving that question to chance he has centered his music and his life on easy living in the Caribbean. One would think the fact that no one except him has enough to carry out this lifestyle would be problematic but it has not been in the least. People simply need an escape from their everyday lives and Chesney provides it. He has turned himself from a potential flash in the pan to Jimmy Buffet with talent and Bones looks forward to living in Kenny’s world vicariously every time he hits play on his I-pod for years to come.
As a high school student Bones really did not do much. He shunned pagan activities like drinking and talking to girls and paid homage to his Omish brothers by refusing to get his license until he was almost 18. Bones’ weekends consisted of he and his friend, Shark, cruising around the suburbs and listening to music. While Shark mostly stuck to Notorious, Tupac and Bone Thugs he would occasionally mix in a country song. This would lead to the passenger side window being rolled down and Bones head being stuck out of it. However, there was one CD that reminded Bones of the fat girl in class not crossing her legs. No matter how much he wanted to look away he simply couldn’t. There was an unstoppable rebel force causing him to listen. As Shark continued to play this CD over and over Bones still pretended to be in utter torment on the outside but inside there was a peace he had only previously discovered upon conclusion of yoga classes. As he heard Mr. Chesney cover everything from summer flings, to high school sports, to parties, to heartache he realized that Kenny was the exact opposite of how he had unfairly characterized country music. This was not music about tractors, Budweiser and your wife running off with your brother, this was music about life. In addition, the music was uplifting and soothed Bones’ doubt during the duos dangerous voyages through the mean streets. Bones attended his first concert around a year later and has been living by the motto no shirt, no shoes, no problems every since.
In addition to opening Bones’ eyes to his favorite genre of music and helping him realize all his problems were directly related to wearing shoes and shirts Kenny Chesney secured the coveted #9 spot because he exhibits a bevy of qualities that make America great. For one he is extremely persistent. Chesney experienced little success in his first few albums but continued to plug away knowing he contained platinum magic inside his 5’4 130 pound frame. Eventually he came up with a few hits and the rest is history.
Chesney also knows how to throw a great party which anyone who has ever attended one of his concerts can attest to. He has managed to create an atmosphere at his concerts that resembles a frat party with 40,000 of your closest friends. For one night everyone seems to forget their differences, problems and bank account statements and love each other while drinking $11 Bud Lights. If that’s not America I don’t know what is.
Lastly, Chesney is a great decision maker. Not only was he able to get his marriage with Renee Zelwegger annulled but he is also constantly reinventing himself. He has gone from singing about his roots in a small town in Tennessee to his current life which focuses on the islands. Some claim Chesney sold out but not Bones. If the man released 10 albums focused upon small time living would we really still be listening? Instead of leaving that question to chance he has centered his music and his life on easy living in the Caribbean. One would think the fact that no one except him has enough to carry out this lifestyle would be problematic but it has not been in the least. People simply need an escape from their everyday lives and Chesney provides it. He has turned himself from a potential flash in the pan to Jimmy Buffet with talent and Bones looks forward to living in Kenny’s world vicariously every time he hits play on his I-pod for years to come.
Monday, June 22, 2009
THIS IS AMERICA!
Bones returns to the blogasphere flattered, confused and a little hurt. Sadly your loyal narrator is aware of all the rumors. He has seen the headlines in US Weekly and heard the venom spewed from Ryan Seacrest's lips. "He has writers block, he can't perform without PEDs, the pressure was to much so he faked his death and is living in a hut with Tupac." Of course none of these proposterous allegations contain one inkling of truth. If professional athletes deserve an offseason so does Bones. For the past month and a half he has been around the World as if he were Mase, so why all the player hating? During his hiatus Bones observed a bull fight in Madrid, went on a Safari in Australia with Hugh Jackman, played polo with the most interesting man in the world in South Africa and ate at a Cracker Barrel in Kansas City. Despite feeling hurt Bones also feels refreshed, motivated and better than ever. With this great nations birthday looming less than a fortnight away Bones has deemed it appropriate to write about the 10 greatest Americans of all time. He will write 10 seperate blogs before this sacred holiday, each dedicated to a patriot who has left an impact on this great land. Some may be only a sentence others may be pages long. He begins today at #10 with a man who is the epitomy of the American dream.
#10 JARED FROM SUBWAY Is there anything more American than making a fortune and being famous without having any talent? It is true that I could have also placed countrymen like Carson Daly, Perez Hilton, Paris Hilton and the guy who hosted America's Funniest Home Videos after Bob Saget in this spot but all of them at least had something positive going for them. Jared has nothing. He's not good looking, he can't act, his parents aren't rich and he dresses like he is trying to fend off the opposite sex. When it comes down to it the man actually got famous because he was fat. If he hadn't allowed his body to baloon to over 400 pounds he could have never made up this proposterous diet and parlayed that into a career as an awkward spokesman showing off his old pairs of pants. (Barely failing to make the top ten is the marketing director at Subway during the time when this campaign was lauched, we will call him Tim. Tim somehow convinced overweight people that the best way to become thin was to stuff down 12 inch hoagies. Taking advantage of America's propensity to ignore details Tim showed them one extreme case and made them believe it could happen to them. He knew that the majority of people would never know that jared ate a veggie sub for dinner every night. He also knew they would never read the fine print informing them that the subs are only good for you if you do not top them with cheese, mayonaise, oil, vinergar, salt, pepper or anything else that masks the awfulness that is Subway.)
Howeve, Jared is Bones' 10th greatest American of all time so it is time to give him some credit. In spite of being on the opposite end of the spectrum of LeBron James in the genetic lottery Jared has been quite succesful. He has been on commercials for over 10 years and has written a book. He has been able to make a living flying around the country and representing subway and has met some of the most famous people in the world while doing it. The only real work he has actually had to do is eat Subway without any of the toppings. So Jared congratulations Bones looks forward to watching your awkward interactions with celebrities and continuing to not eat at Subway for years to come.
#10 JARED FROM SUBWAY Is there anything more American than making a fortune and being famous without having any talent? It is true that I could have also placed countrymen like Carson Daly, Perez Hilton, Paris Hilton and the guy who hosted America's Funniest Home Videos after Bob Saget in this spot but all of them at least had something positive going for them. Jared has nothing. He's not good looking, he can't act, his parents aren't rich and he dresses like he is trying to fend off the opposite sex. When it comes down to it the man actually got famous because he was fat. If he hadn't allowed his body to baloon to over 400 pounds he could have never made up this proposterous diet and parlayed that into a career as an awkward spokesman showing off his old pairs of pants. (Barely failing to make the top ten is the marketing director at Subway during the time when this campaign was lauched, we will call him Tim. Tim somehow convinced overweight people that the best way to become thin was to stuff down 12 inch hoagies. Taking advantage of America's propensity to ignore details Tim showed them one extreme case and made them believe it could happen to them. He knew that the majority of people would never know that jared ate a veggie sub for dinner every night. He also knew they would never read the fine print informing them that the subs are only good for you if you do not top them with cheese, mayonaise, oil, vinergar, salt, pepper or anything else that masks the awfulness that is Subway.)
Howeve, Jared is Bones' 10th greatest American of all time so it is time to give him some credit. In spite of being on the opposite end of the spectrum of LeBron James in the genetic lottery Jared has been quite succesful. He has been on commercials for over 10 years and has written a book. He has been able to make a living flying around the country and representing subway and has met some of the most famous people in the world while doing it. The only real work he has actually had to do is eat Subway without any of the toppings. So Jared congratulations Bones looks forward to watching your awkward interactions with celebrities and continuing to not eat at Subway for years to come.
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