Little Orphan Danny (#5 Jimmy Z)

Imagine this: Cold, raw meat, igloos, and dog sledding. If you merely envision this collosal combination you will begin to shake uncontrollably from fear and horror. For 6 months I braved these conditions in Alaska, the "Final Frontier". If you are thinking to yourselves right now "Little Orphan Danny you are so brave for doing this" let me assure you it was not my choice. One second I am eating a delicious bowl of Raisan Bran Crunch, the next I wake up tied to a dog sled in Canada. Those dogs of destiny took me all the way to Alaska to stay with my inuit grandparents Bethsheba and Kanut and their son Jim. For a while it was not that bad. Durin the day Jim and I went trecking through the wilderness hunting down caribou and playing Iniut ping-pong. I also found a wife. (The way you find a wife in Alaska is if you see a suitable chickenhead ,which is what women are called in Inuit, you go and search through the chickenheads hair and if you find a tick on her head she becomes your wife.) My wife's name was Oogrooq which means bearded seal in Iniut.

Yes, all was well until LOD, now brimming with confidence and happiness in his new home, tried to overthrow the head chief of the tribe. The other villagers could not decide who they wanted to be their leader. In order to break the tie there was a contest to see who could swim across the bering strait to Russia and back to Alaska the fastest. Now LOD has always been a good swimmer, ever since Bones pushed me into the diving well at age 2 and told me to swim, but I lost. After I lost the villagers banished my chickenhead and I into the wilderness. All they gave me were the furs on my back and my bowstaff. I will not relay to you what happened in the next six months but i will say that Oogrooq went to that big igloo in the sky and I made it back to write this blog about the 5th greatest American of all time.

Jim Zorn ,one of LOD's personal heroes and the football genius that heads the most storied and classy franchise in the National Football League, the Washington Redskins, has been selected and given the coveted honor of being Bones pick for the 5th greatest American of all time. There are more reasons for Jimmy Z to make this list then there are dark hours in an Alaskan summer day so please be patient. To start with there is his look. Is there anything more american than a flattop? The answer is no and Zorn sports one like a young Chris Mullen. The flattop alone would have projected the great Z man into the top 10, but the fact that he uses the "Backyard water park", the "10 dollar fun extravaganza" yes, the slip n slide to teach his quarterbacks to slide before they get hit, made him top 5.

Zorn is also a great American underdog story. Who does not root for underdogs? People who eat Butterfingers (the worlds worst candy) and French canadians. Who eats butterfingers? French Canadians. So besides this one race ,which is a missing dice on the board game that is society, everyone loves underdogs as much as David Stern loves to cheat. Jim Zorn has been an underdog ever since the beginning of his professional football career. He went undrafted out of college and his chances of playing in the NFL looked about as slim as Kate Bosworth post Blue Crush. Against all odds he became the Seahawks starting quarterback from 1976-1983. During these glorius years he showed no regard for the pocket. He made magician like passes that awed the crowd and inspired them to have the same passion and love for their job that this man did for his. LOD believes he is the lone reason that the economy flourished during this time period. Again, when hired as Head Coach of the Washington Redskins Zorn was questioned and verbally destroyed by the media. What did this great American do? He conquered his critics like Ceasar conquered the Gauls. he led the Redskins to a 6-2 start and a very succesful season and is undobtedly primed to hoist the 4th Lombardi Trophy in franchise history this season.

It would take LOD many years to write all the reasons that Jim Zorn is a phenomenal American but since LOD is jacked out of his mind, young, and really, really redicuously good looking I will wait until I am older to undertake such an honorable and chivalrist task. As for right now I will, as is my custom, write an inciteful and life changing poem.

The birds are chirping, the wind is breezy,
I know this guy named Beezy,
he loves bees so much that he gave up cheese
just to be with his bees.
he has a sister named louis
and she can bake a good cake
She woke me up one morning and the birds were breezy
and wind was chirping and i went and saw Beezy and
revealed to me that he had given up his bees to eat cheese