The Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch

#4 Darius Rucker - Bones apologizes for his countdown of the ten greatest Americans taking longer than the last hour of work on a friday but genius cannot be rushed. As you should know now the best ways to appear on this epic countdown are making the most of your abilities, reinventing oneself on the road to success or doing something absurd. The fourth greatest American of all-time has done all three. Without furthur ado I present the Black Eminem, Darius Rucker.

Darius grew up in the great city of Charleston, South Carolina. Many have claimed to have witnessed a young, chubby Darius strumming his guitar and eating upwards of 30 meals a month at the old Burger King on Main Street. He always wanted to be the lead singer of a popular rock band but since he could not sing he decided to attend the University of South Carolina. While in Columbia a young Darius made two great decisions. The first was to never buy a new hat, wash it in muddy water, put a fish hook on it and laugh every time he looked in the mirror because is said Cocks. The second was to realize that having an awful voice didn't stop Jimmy Buffet from being famous and it wouldn't stop him either. With this in mind he posted signs reading "Wanted: Ugly, White guys with long hair that can play an instument. Two weeks later he found what he was looking for and the band was named during a night of drinking and watching discovery channel.

Hootie and the Blowfish achieved nearly unprecedented success with their first album going platinum 16x. While hits like Hold my Hand, Let her Cry and I only want to be with you drove some to stop listening to the radio they drove others into a state of pure exctasy. But alas the band's success wore thin over the years and Darius grew tired of singing the same three songs and then being kicked off stage. Just when he was about to give up on his passion and enjoy the millions of dollars he amassed over the years he got an unsuspected call from an old friend. The conversation went as followed.

King: Darius do you remember me?
Darius: What, who is this?
King: How can you not know. Remember when you were a fat, litle boy and we used to eat all our meals together. Remember when you told me you only wanted to be with me?
Darius: King? We had some good times together but I had to kick the habit. People don't like fat rock stars. When is the last time you heard a song by Blues Traveler.
King: Hahaha. Darius, Darius, Darius. I do not need your business this is America. There are fat people everywhere. For everyone that escapes my grasp like you there are thousands of Rosie O'Donnels. What I want is a commercial. I want you to sing about a new tendercrisp chicken sandwhich, in a cowboy suit, while people behind you perform like characters you would ussually see in an LSD induced coma.
Darius: Come on King. I'm rich. I don't need to do this. I will talk to you later.
King: Did we forget about the time you held me up at gun point for a Whopper Jr. Be on set at 8 or I go public.

The result of this strange exchange was the following commercial. After witnessing this debacle Bones remembers saying two things to himself over and over. The lyrics to the abysmal song he could not get out of his head and how he couldn't believe how far Hootie had fallen. However, he did not let this commercial end his career. Instead, he parlayed it into a wildly succesful debut as a country singer. He produced an album that has seen him become the first black country singer since 1983 to notch a number one hit and the first crooner since Wynonna Judd to have their first three hits reach number one on the country chart. Any man that can go platinum 16x with an awful voice, be reduced to singing in one of the worst commercials of all-time and then respond to release a succesful country album seems pretty American to Bones. So congratulations Darius and know that Bones looks forward to D Ruck dropping a rap LP in the near future.