# 2 Miley Cyrus- Yes, that's right my loyal readers at the ripe age of 17 Miley Cyrus is Bones' second greatest American of all-time. Some may call this decision irresponsible, foolish and even unpatriotic. However, Bones will present a case on Ms. Cyrus' behalf that would cause Jackie Chiles to shudder and make believers out of even the most diligent naysayers.
Bones mistakingly stumbled upon Miley in a similar fashion to the way Christopher Columbus discovered this great land he now calls home. While preparing to go on his daily 15 mile sprint he shockingly could not find his ipod. Bones and the Mrs. had a dinner date less than an hour a half away so needless to say he had little time to search for the misplaced music machine. Tragically, it seemed your loyal narrator would have to think and take in his surroundings instead of listen to mindless music durng his treacherous voyage. However, his 12 year old sister was not about to let his travesty occur. As Bones stepped out the door she handed him a tiny, sparkling purple ipod. Her impeccaple timing could only be compared to that of Notre Dame.
Without a second to spare Bones grabbed the tiny contraption and pressed play while running out the door. He struggled to maintain his normal 3 minute per mile pace shuddering while the sounds of Justin Bieber, the Jonas Brothers and Britney Spears attacked his ear drums. As he approached the final mile of his route, which happens to be hillier than the terrain Napolean conquered when leading his elephants into cartilage, he needed an impressive performance to have any chance of avoiding the wrath of Mrs. Bones.
At this moment fate intervened and Bones heard an angelic voice utter the following lyrics: I can almost see it/ that dream I'm dreaming but/There's a voice inside sayin/You'll never reach it. In his state of delirium Bones could not believe the reality of what he was hearing. He could see the light at the end of the tunnel but there was the voice of Mrs. Bones telling him he couldn't make it and he would be chastised for making them miss their reservation at Arby's. Intrigued Bones listened on and was shocked at the relationship between the lyrics and his current situation. Every step I'm taking/Every move I make feels/Lost with no direction/My faith is shaking but I/Got to keep trying/Got to keep my held high. And that Bones did. He began to move his legs like his name was Shaggy and he just saw a ghost. As the unknown phenom belted out "It's the climb" at the same Bones reached the summit he laughed at the sheer irony of the moment. The inspirational words enabled Bones to set a personal best and Mrs. Bones devoured all 4 of her beef n cheddars at the scheduled time.
The next time Bones saw his little sister he asked who the goddess that sang that majestic song was. He was informed her name was Miley Cyrus. This is when Bones began some research and realized she also has a great song entitled Party in the USA, a television show and is the direct offspring of Billy Ray Cyrus. Watching one minute of the dreadful television show confirmed three things. It is the worst show of all time, Billy Ray Cyrus is still alive and anything that is that bad and still popular is extremely American. Helping out your unemployed old man is also American and Cyrus has certainly done that. So here's to there only being one person more American than a woman capable of convincing her dad to switch from a mullet to highlights, starring in a ridiculously awful and succesful television show and inspiring Bones to finish strong on every run he takes from here on it.
Monday, September 14, 2009
The camera is rolling
#3 Bill Belichick - Bones third selection on his now famous list is a man who not only epitomizes the American dream but also America itself. Although Bill Belichick is almost impossible to like he posseses all the key characteristics that make this country great. He is stubborn, brash, confrontational, hard-working and always gets the job done. Also like Americans he doesn't care what others think of him. The rest of the world may think we are fat, power hungry, bullies but Bones never hears any of them saying it out loud. Why? Because in spite of what they think of how we accomplished it deep down they know we are more powerful, dominant and succesful than they are. The same is true with Belichick. No matter how arrogant, vindictive and caniving opposing coaches, the media and fans may think he is they still have to respect him. They have to respect him because they know he is the best coach currently in the NFL not named Jim Zorn. In honor of the hornary one Bones will write a running commentary as Bellichiks Patriots participate in the first Monday Night game of the year.
7:32: With the Patriots game sputtering at the start Bones flips channels to watch the finale of the fourth set of the US Open. Tennis is actually Bones' 2nd favorite sport to watch on the tube but he ussually spares his loyal readers the details. However the unparralelled battle currently being waged between Roger Federer and the 20 year-old, 6'6, Argentine, stallion that is Juan Martin Del Potro is to good to miss. Both men are sporting head bands but in extremely different ways. Federer is rocking his typical clean-shaven, parted hair look with shiny strands falling immaculantly over his the black band. Del Potro is wearing a yellow band and looks as if he has been camping out in Central Park since he arrived in New York a fortnight ago. On top of his towering 6'6 frame is a matted mass of brown hair which leads down to a beard most 20 year olds can only dream of. The beard extends all the way down his neck and connects directly to chest hair that Austin Powers would kill for. Trailing two sets to one the Argentine crushes forehand after forehand to force a fourth set tie break. Federer can clinch the match here. This would obviously followed by Roger acting as if his legs no longer work and writhing on the ground for the 16th time after a major.
7:41: The Bills shockingly take the lead but Belicheck remains emotionless like a great General about to unleash his best tactiful ploy. Something tells me this will not end well for Buffalo.
7:48: Despite the chair umpire being less decisive than Brett Favre Del Potro forces a fifth set. The decision Bones must make between watching the Bills, who hold a 7-0 lead at the end of the first quarter, try to shock the Patriots and Del Potro try to make history can only be equated to how Brad Pitt must have felt on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
8:04: The bearded wonder jumps out to a 3-0 lead in the final set. The 20 year old is earily calm but it is understandable for someone who begins shaving at the age of 10 to mature faster than others. On ESPN the Patriots tie the game but Belicheck still looks a character on a Keystone Light commercial.
8:26: Juan Martin Del Potro pulls of the stunner and becomes the first man since 2003 to defeat Federer at the US Open. Bones would like to personally congratulate Mr. Del Potro on his victory, his name and winning the genetic lottery.
8:48: The Patriots start the second half down 14-10. Bones has a few observations from the little of the first half he witnessed: Monday Night Football has finally found a good third announcer. Jon Gruden is a natural and is obviously better than both Dennis Miller and Tony Kornheiser. This is the first and hopefully last time Bones has ever witnessed referees participating in the throw back activities. Understandably, Tom Brady looks like he is scared to get hit.
9:02: With the Patriots pinned inside their own 5 Brady hits Moss on three straight plays to put the Patriots into Buffalo territory. They flash to Belichick who apparently is eating a war head. Is he really that miserable at all times or is he playing a joke on the rest of the world? Either way Bones loves it.
9:34: Despite completely dominating the entire game the Patriots find themselves trailing 17-13 with less than 11 minutes remaining. Tom Brady and Randy Moss have been playing catch the entire second half but it has only produced 3 points. More importantly there have not been nearly enough shots of Belichick. Hopefully this will change before the conclusion of the game.
9:41: A Patriots defensive lineman suplexes Trent Edwards giving Buffalo a first down. Bones has no clue what constitutes roughing the passer. Judging from this game a player cannot hit the quarterback above the shoulders, below the thigh or perform WWE moves on them. This is disapointing since the Redskins were considering signing Rey Mysterio Jr.
9:46: The Bills score with less than 6 minutes remaing to go up 24-13. Back to back shots of Belichick prove that changing facial expressions is simply not an option. The amazing thing is that like Derek Zoolander he can display confidence, disdain, content, exctasy, disapointment and frustration with the same face.
9:56: The Patriots score to cut the lead to 24-19 but the only professional athlete Bones has ever hung out with, Brian Scott, thwarts the 2 point attempt. Bones played basketball in college with his brother and the one time Bones met him he was the most humble man he has ever come in contact with. More importantly it was the only time in college I drank Grey Goose.
10:01: Inexpicably a Bill takes the ball out of the end zone instead of kneeling and fumbles. Belichick chuckles without changing his facial expression.
10:06: Brady hits Watson for the second time in the last 5 minutes and the Bills have somehow blown this game. Belichick reacts like he just won the lottery, his dog died, Marrissa Miller gave him her number and Roger Goodell ruled he couldn't cut his sleeves anymore. Congratulations Bill but not really. That raps up the night for Bones. He refuses to ever watch the Raiders, especially late at night, for the simple reason he is terrifield of having nightmares about Al Davis.
7:32: With the Patriots game sputtering at the start Bones flips channels to watch the finale of the fourth set of the US Open. Tennis is actually Bones' 2nd favorite sport to watch on the tube but he ussually spares his loyal readers the details. However the unparralelled battle currently being waged between Roger Federer and the 20 year-old, 6'6, Argentine, stallion that is Juan Martin Del Potro is to good to miss. Both men are sporting head bands but in extremely different ways. Federer is rocking his typical clean-shaven, parted hair look with shiny strands falling immaculantly over his the black band. Del Potro is wearing a yellow band and looks as if he has been camping out in Central Park since he arrived in New York a fortnight ago. On top of his towering 6'6 frame is a matted mass of brown hair which leads down to a beard most 20 year olds can only dream of. The beard extends all the way down his neck and connects directly to chest hair that Austin Powers would kill for. Trailing two sets to one the Argentine crushes forehand after forehand to force a fourth set tie break. Federer can clinch the match here. This would obviously followed by Roger acting as if his legs no longer work and writhing on the ground for the 16th time after a major.
7:41: The Bills shockingly take the lead but Belicheck remains emotionless like a great General about to unleash his best tactiful ploy. Something tells me this will not end well for Buffalo.
7:48: Despite the chair umpire being less decisive than Brett Favre Del Potro forces a fifth set. The decision Bones must make between watching the Bills, who hold a 7-0 lead at the end of the first quarter, try to shock the Patriots and Del Potro try to make history can only be equated to how Brad Pitt must have felt on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
8:04: The bearded wonder jumps out to a 3-0 lead in the final set. The 20 year old is earily calm but it is understandable for someone who begins shaving at the age of 10 to mature faster than others. On ESPN the Patriots tie the game but Belicheck still looks a character on a Keystone Light commercial.
8:26: Juan Martin Del Potro pulls of the stunner and becomes the first man since 2003 to defeat Federer at the US Open. Bones would like to personally congratulate Mr. Del Potro on his victory, his name and winning the genetic lottery.
8:48: The Patriots start the second half down 14-10. Bones has a few observations from the little of the first half he witnessed: Monday Night Football has finally found a good third announcer. Jon Gruden is a natural and is obviously better than both Dennis Miller and Tony Kornheiser. This is the first and hopefully last time Bones has ever witnessed referees participating in the throw back activities. Understandably, Tom Brady looks like he is scared to get hit.
9:02: With the Patriots pinned inside their own 5 Brady hits Moss on three straight plays to put the Patriots into Buffalo territory. They flash to Belichick who apparently is eating a war head. Is he really that miserable at all times or is he playing a joke on the rest of the world? Either way Bones loves it.
9:34: Despite completely dominating the entire game the Patriots find themselves trailing 17-13 with less than 11 minutes remaining. Tom Brady and Randy Moss have been playing catch the entire second half but it has only produced 3 points. More importantly there have not been nearly enough shots of Belichick. Hopefully this will change before the conclusion of the game.
9:41: A Patriots defensive lineman suplexes Trent Edwards giving Buffalo a first down. Bones has no clue what constitutes roughing the passer. Judging from this game a player cannot hit the quarterback above the shoulders, below the thigh or perform WWE moves on them. This is disapointing since the Redskins were considering signing Rey Mysterio Jr.
9:46: The Bills score with less than 6 minutes remaing to go up 24-13. Back to back shots of Belichick prove that changing facial expressions is simply not an option. The amazing thing is that like Derek Zoolander he can display confidence, disdain, content, exctasy, disapointment and frustration with the same face.
9:56: The Patriots score to cut the lead to 24-19 but the only professional athlete Bones has ever hung out with, Brian Scott, thwarts the 2 point attempt. Bones played basketball in college with his brother and the one time Bones met him he was the most humble man he has ever come in contact with. More importantly it was the only time in college I drank Grey Goose.
10:01: Inexpicably a Bill takes the ball out of the end zone instead of kneeling and fumbles. Belichick chuckles without changing his facial expression.
10:06: Brady hits Watson for the second time in the last 5 minutes and the Bills have somehow blown this game. Belichick reacts like he just won the lottery, his dog died, Marrissa Miller gave him her number and Roger Goodell ruled he couldn't cut his sleeves anymore. Congratulations Bill but not really. That raps up the night for Bones. He refuses to ever watch the Raiders, especially late at night, for the simple reason he is terrifield of having nightmares about Al Davis.
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