As grillenwitgill has built increasing fame and popularity Bones has recieved countless requests from PR represenatives to interview players. He has denied these requests because he has always hated interviews. The majority of them are full of cliches, offer no real insight and at times are painful to listen to. Bones also has no real interest in meeting or speaking with any of the pros he watches on tv. The chances of them being nice guys and interesting are nearly obsolete so he fails to see the point. However, sometimes even Bones must make exceptions.
Bones found out around a year ago the Mark Cuban is a huge fan of the blog. He met Mr. Cuband and actually enjoys his company when he is not trying to get him to come to a Mavericks home game (Obviously, this has not and will not happen because of the promise your loyal narrator made to himself to never visit the hanus home of the Cowboys). However, Bones has caught a couple road games with Cubes including the last time the Mavs visited the Staples Center. Mark flew yours truly out to the home of Justin Bobby where they surfed all day, caught the game and ventured to Vegas for the night. Bones was having such a good time that at some point during the festivites he agreed to interview one of the Dallas players for his blog which was Cubes plan all along. Touche Marky.
During halftime of last Wednesdays blow out win over the Nets he called your loyal narrator and informed him that he was ready to use his favor. Cubes suggersted that Bones should interview spark plug and classic overachiever JJ Barea. Bones admonished his good friend for even suggesting such an encounter occur. He let him know that as an avid reader of the blog he should know how much players like Barea are looked down upon. Bones demanded Cuban cut Barea and sign Ricky Davis for his blunder. The conversation became heated, (which is why Cuban didn't return to his seat until mid 4th quarter) , but eventually an agreement was reached. Bones reluctantly consented to interview German stalwart Dirk Nowitzky but only under certain conditions. The interview must take place on the roof of Ceasers Palace at the same exact spot where the best scene of The Hangover occured. Cuban agreed, a jet was sent for Bones, and the following interview transpired at that very spot at 3:07 AM Eastern time.
Bones: Dirk, nice to meet you. Would you like a shot of yaeger?
Dirk: For the first time in my life I actually wouldn't. Do you understand we just had a big win? Instead of being out celebrating with the fellas I have to talk to some loser on a roof?
Bones: Look Dirk, I don't want to be here any more than do. Just answer a few questions to make Mr. Cuban happy and we will get out of here.
Dirk: Fine, Just hurry the hell up. Baywatch re-runs start in 20 minutes.
Bones: Dirk, you know you guys have suffered a lot of injuries early in the season with Marion, Howard and Dampier being on the shelf. How have you still managed such a fast start?
Dirk: Well, you know, the team has just come together. You know we're a real team. It's not just one guy. We're taking it one game at a time. You know just fighting our guts out and letting the chips fall where they may. We've been succesful early but it's a marathon not a sprint.
Bones: Well put Dirk but my integrity will not let me keep asking generic questions and listening to answers that sound like they're coming from a robot.
Dirk: Well what do you want do you want me to say? That I am a German god and have put this team on my back. That my 28, 8 and 6 are the reason we are good. No one reads your stupid blog anyways. Ask me anything you want and actually I do want a shot of yaeger.
Bones: Yes Sir Dirk. I had a bunch of real questions prepared but was not sure how you would react. This is going to be great.
Dirk: Don't get too excited and act like a groupie when I wave at them. Four questions and I'm out of here.
Bones: Fair Enough. What the hell were you thinking at the beginning of last season when you cut your hair? You were like a modern day Samson. Also what did you with the hair? This only counts as one question.
Bones:I was trying to switch my image up. In America if you do not have tatoos of guns or telling people not to judge you you're considered weak. Just because I prefer to shoot my beautiful fade away as opposed to throwing my body into people I'm soft? Or I'm soft because I hum David Hasselhoff songs when I'm on the line. I wouldn't be able to hum anything if I wasn't drawing fouls would I? Anyways, I still played well but just didn't feel quite as attractive so I grew it back. As for what I did with the hair I sent it to a research center knowing something that beautiful had to be good for something. Turns out it is a cure for some rare disease in Malaysia. I wish I could say I'm suprised.
Dirk: That's what I'm talking about Dirk. People helping people.Sometimes when you hit a big shot at home you stare at the crowd like you expect them to get on their knees in reverence. Whenever this happens I always stand up and yell at the television, "I am Dirk worship me!" What is going through your mind at these moments?
Dirk(Taking another shot): That's exactly how I feel Bones. I mean people knock athletes for being cocky but think about what is going on at the second I hit that shot. There are 20,000 people screaming at the top of their lungs. There are CEOs of Fortune 500 companies sitting in the front row that would give it all up to just to slap my palm. Let's face it I won the genetic lottery. If I was a wild animal I would be the leader of the pack. I'm 7 feet tall, good looking, run like a gazelle and have a breath taking jump shot. I should be worshipped. Sometimes I think about just showing up at a village inhabitated by an indigenous tribe and getting the treatment I really deserve. Think about how the Indians treated Cortez. It would be like that x10. But no I'm supposed to act like I'm not special, like I'm just like everyone else. Well you know what? I'm not.
Bones: Absolutely great stuff. I hope you don't mind me getting personal but what was the deal with your girlfriend last year? She was some kinda groupie on steriods and you actually dated her after several other players fell in the same trap? The she wouldn't leave your house and the press and police got involved. It seemed very un-Dirk of you.
Dirk: (Now doing doubles) Apparently in this country if you let a girl draw a picture of you in the nude to be mounted in your living room she's your girlfriend. I mean I barely knew her. She was a nice girl, attractive and all but your boy Dizzle Nizzle in a serious relationship? Come on Bones you know better than that. And about the stuff she said to the press, we have a saying in Germany that goes, "don't build a kitchen with windows because you should never let a woman have a point of view" need I say more?
Bones: I guess not. Jane Adams would be proud of you. For my last question I got to ask you does Mark Cuban get annoying? I mean obviously he is one of the best owners in the league to play for but does the fact he is always on the road with you guys and so involved ever get to you?
Dirk: I mean of course it does but we all love him. If I have to choose between having an owner like Mr. Cuban that cares a little to much and someone like Donald Sterling I will take Mark everytime. But we definitely take advantage of the fact that he tries to live vicariously through us. Do you have time for a story?
Bones: Dirk, I'm a blogger and I'm sitting on the top of a Casino with a professional athlete. Of course I have time.
Dirk: You're right. What was I thinking? So you know Mark, like most guys, wishes he was a professional athlete. The difference between him and everyone else is he has the money to buy a team and follow them around. However, that's not enough for him. He wants to eat every meal with us, go to the clubs with us, watch The Bachelor with us and even room with us . Of course we don't let this happen but Mark tries his best. He has a lot of weird habits like stealing our underarmour out of the bin and making us autograph all his wife beaters and boxers but the weirdest is eating our leftovers. Cubes will catch word of where we're eating, (I think he has a snitch on the team because we can almost never shake him. I think it's Barea, I mean he's been good for us but why the hell would you ever give him a try out? He's 5'6, went to four years of college and looks like a rat. Damnit it definitely is) and just show up. He sits at another booth with his wife or boys and waits until we're done. Then he comes over to the table and eats the rest of whatever we have left. One time Jason Terry ordered a meat smoothie at a deli where we were having lunch just to see if Cubes would drink it after he left. And he did! But it was nothing like this one time we played the Pistons. We didn't go out because we were obviously in Detroit and we had a 6AM flight the next morning. However, there was a marathon of the Hills on MTV so I had the whole team in my room but didn't invite Mark. We knew Cubes would be hovering around like he always does and we were bored so it was practical joke time. Eric Dampier may look like a guy you would trust your child with but beneath that soft exterior is a tortured soul. So around 2AM he has this incredible idea. He walks to the Walmart next to the hotel and buys laxative and the hottest hot sauce they had. He then orders chicken wings and a drink from room service. Knowing Cubes is watching the whole time and waiting for his leftovers he eats what he wants, dumps the laxative in his drink and covers the remaining wings with the hot sauce and sets the dish outside. Of course as soon as he does this everyone that's tall enough to see out of the peephole, (so everyone except Barea) fights over it and we all see bits and pieces of Mark sprinting down the hall, devouring the wings and chugging the coke without even making a face. The entire flight back to Dallas Cubes was in the own airplane's bathroom screaming. I do not think I have laughed that hard since my third grade teacher told me I wouldn't be famous.
Bones: Wow, Dirk I really don't know what to say. What can I possibly do to follow up an answer like that.
Dirk: How about you take a shot of Yaeger and we go steal Mike Tyson's tiger.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Where Amazing Happens
Ahhhh, the NBA is back in full swing and Bones could not be happier. Your loyal narrator scribbled his highly anticipated league preview on a picture of Dan Snyder’s face the day before the season started while at work. However, he is only now getting the opportunity to place it in front of the eyes of his readers. Some of his predictions seem about as likely as Deshawn Stevenson being caught without change for a 10 but he promises he has changed nothing.
Bones has been over this before but must state for those who don't know that the NBA is his favorite league in any sport. He can watch the Kings play the Warriors in early November (and did on Sunday night) and be thoroughly enertained. It also needs to be reinterated that anyone who prefers the college game lacks an appreciaton for the game of basketball. The argument that NBA players do not try or play defense is proposterous. It is also easily combated. The next time you are viewing an NBA game watch the slow motion replays shown going into time outs. 9 out of 10 times a players is hitting an off-balance shot with a defender's hand placed inbetween his eyes. Even if you still believe the effort is questionable the NBA is still superior. What sounds more enertaining to watch? An unpolished, over-achieving, 6'7 power forward crash the boards and accumalate hustle points in college or Amare Stoudamare draining 20 footers and cranking on people. Would you rather see Jon Sheyer pump fake or Josh Smith windmill? Tyler Hansborough's push shot or Kobe's fadeaway? These seem like easy questions to Bones.
Without furthur delay Bones presents his second annual NBA preview. The following predictions are as guarenteed as Jim Zorn coaching the Redskins next season.
Pistons Preview: The abysmal state of Bones' current teams leaves him in a sports purgatory with no signs of being invited upstairs. The Orioles are perennial bottom feeders in the AL East, the Redskins are being driven into the ground by the NFL's Kim Jon-il and now Joe Dumars has succesfully destroyed the Pistons. The moves of Dumars have grown progressivly worse to the point that the wretched off season Detroit endured was almost expected. It started with the draft. The Pistons actually spent the 15th pick on Austin Daye from Gonzaga. The young man's name and school are irrelevant. All Bones needs to know is that he weighs 170 pounds, has a knee brace and wore a shirt under his jersey. He will not be good. In addition a team whose big men are Kwame Brown, Chris Wilcox and what is left of Ben Wallace passed on Dejaun Blair multiple times late and traded another steal, Chase Budinger, for nothing. Dumars truly showed his brilliance in the free agent market. He used the cap money created from the Chauncey Billups trade to sign a soft, jump shooting power forward, Charlie Villanueva, and a streaky scorer, Ben Gordon. Yes, Ben Gordon is good but not 5 year, 55 million good. Not to mention he plays the same position as the team's best player, Rip Hamilton. Dumars' defense at the time he traded away Bones' favorite player of all-time was the team needed to rebuild. If turning a perennial Eastern Conference finals contender into a team that might not get into the playoffs and has no cap room for the 2010 LeBron, Wade, Bosh sweepstakes is rebuilding then he did a great job.
Ugliest Team: Boston Celtics: How does a team lose MVP Sam Cassell and retain the title of NBA's ugliest team? It is actually quite simple for a cunning GM like Danny Ainge. He went right to work and added Sheldon Williams and Marquis Daniels. Bones does not make a habit of getting cheap laughs at the appeareance of others but if he saw 5 man squad of Williams, Daniels, Brian Scalabrine, Big Baby Davis and Kendrick Perkins walking down the street he would be convinced the goverment was creating mutants and a few had escaped. The eyes, noses and foreheads of Davis, Perkins and Williams look like their staring at reflections in a mirror maze and Daniels seems satanically posessed. With the world's biggest ginger, Scalabrine, rounding out the group the men from Beantown have undoubtedly locked up a repeat.
Biggest Potential Suprise: Washington Wizards: Washington has the same core that finished fifth in the East two years ago and has added even more scoring. There are not many teams in the league that posess 5 players that can score over 30 on a given night and the Wizards definitely have that in Gilbert Arenas, Mike Miller, Antawn Jamison, Randy Foye, and Caron Butler. The Wizards have also added depth to the frontcourt with the addition of Fabricio Oberto and the emergence of Andray Blache. As is always the case with the Wizards the biggest question is can they stay healthy? If they can Bones sees them as a sixth seed that has a real chance to scare Cleveland or Orlando in the first round.
Best Hair-Mike Miller: Despite tough competion from Ron Artest and Dirk Nowitzki Mike Miller is the winner of this year's award for best hair. Bones was in attendence for the Wizards' preseason game against the Grizzlies. After signing autographs and taking pictures with babies Bones found his seat and began to watch the players warm up. When he glanced at the court for the first time he saw the most beautiful hair he had ever seen. Wavy, vibrant, golden locks were flowing down the back of one of Washington's players. Bones first instict was to assume the mane belonged to a d-leaguer who would be cut at the end of the season and never seen again. Imagine how enthralled he was when your loyal narrator discovered the majestic ensemble belonged to Mike Miller. Refusing to let his performance affect his appearance Miller shunned a ponytail. Instead, he constantly threw his hand backwards and brushed the hair away from his eyes leading to both a sub par performance and the fainting of several females. Following the game the Wizards shamelessly informed Mr. Miller he must mask the vibrant radiance that is his hair with a ponytail. This is the equivalent of telling a rainbow it can only be one color but Bones believes an all yellow rainbow would be better than none at all and looks forward to watching Miller make women swoon throughout the season.
MVP-Carmelo Anthony- 2009 is the year that Carmelo Anthony finally takes his place alongside D-Wade, Kobe and LeBron in the NBA's elite. It is not as if Melo has not been playing at the same level as these players the past three seasons but this year he will finally be forgiven by the media for a series of minor transgressions (the most unforgivable being his decision to marry MTV's VJ and wear this.) Carmelo became Bones second favorite player in the league during the 2004 Olympics. He seemed to be the only player that showed any passion on what was a disaster of a squad. He followed that up with an even more impressive performance in the Athens games and a great 2008-2009 NBA season for the Nuggets. Anthony may not be the defender Wade, Kobe and LeBron are but he is a more efficient and natural scorer. The difference between he and the other three being he can score 40 or 50 points with interupting the flow of the offense. He scores in a variety of ways, none involving the calling of a high ball screen or clear out while the rest of his team stands stagnant. When the Nuggets do isolate him he makes moves predicated on scoring quickly. He is also strong enough to to post up, attack the basket and draw fouls without the preferential officiating treatment other elite players recieve. If Baltimore's finest puts up 26, 6 and 5, Denver has another succesful year and the voters do whats right the 2009 MVP should go to Melo.
NBA Champ: San Antonio Spurs: As painful as it is to envision Bones' crystal ball contains the Spurs and Celtics playing an NBA finals full of 83-79 contests. The Spurs made themselves exponentially better by adding a fourth scorer in Richard Jefferson. They also added a valuable veteran, Antonio McDyess, and and stole DeJaun Blair with the 38th pick. Why isn't every NBA team run like the Spurs? With Tony Parker blowing by Derek Fisher at will, Jefferson forcing Kobe to exert energy on defense and McDyess pulling Gasol away from the basket so Tim Duncan can operate the Spurs will sneak by the Lakers before disposing of Boston in 6 games to win the NBA championship.
Bones has been over this before but must state for those who don't know that the NBA is his favorite league in any sport. He can watch the Kings play the Warriors in early November (and did on Sunday night) and be thoroughly enertained. It also needs to be reinterated that anyone who prefers the college game lacks an appreciaton for the game of basketball. The argument that NBA players do not try or play defense is proposterous. It is also easily combated. The next time you are viewing an NBA game watch the slow motion replays shown going into time outs. 9 out of 10 times a players is hitting an off-balance shot with a defender's hand placed inbetween his eyes. Even if you still believe the effort is questionable the NBA is still superior. What sounds more enertaining to watch? An unpolished, over-achieving, 6'7 power forward crash the boards and accumalate hustle points in college or Amare Stoudamare draining 20 footers and cranking on people. Would you rather see Jon Sheyer pump fake or Josh Smith windmill? Tyler Hansborough's push shot or Kobe's fadeaway? These seem like easy questions to Bones.
Without furthur delay Bones presents his second annual NBA preview. The following predictions are as guarenteed as Jim Zorn coaching the Redskins next season.
Pistons Preview: The abysmal state of Bones' current teams leaves him in a sports purgatory with no signs of being invited upstairs. The Orioles are perennial bottom feeders in the AL East, the Redskins are being driven into the ground by the NFL's Kim Jon-il and now Joe Dumars has succesfully destroyed the Pistons. The moves of Dumars have grown progressivly worse to the point that the wretched off season Detroit endured was almost expected. It started with the draft. The Pistons actually spent the 15th pick on Austin Daye from Gonzaga. The young man's name and school are irrelevant. All Bones needs to know is that he weighs 170 pounds, has a knee brace and wore a shirt under his jersey. He will not be good. In addition a team whose big men are Kwame Brown, Chris Wilcox and what is left of Ben Wallace passed on Dejaun Blair multiple times late and traded another steal, Chase Budinger, for nothing. Dumars truly showed his brilliance in the free agent market. He used the cap money created from the Chauncey Billups trade to sign a soft, jump shooting power forward, Charlie Villanueva, and a streaky scorer, Ben Gordon. Yes, Ben Gordon is good but not 5 year, 55 million good. Not to mention he plays the same position as the team's best player, Rip Hamilton. Dumars' defense at the time he traded away Bones' favorite player of all-time was the team needed to rebuild. If turning a perennial Eastern Conference finals contender into a team that might not get into the playoffs and has no cap room for the 2010 LeBron, Wade, Bosh sweepstakes is rebuilding then he did a great job.
Ugliest Team: Boston Celtics: How does a team lose MVP Sam Cassell and retain the title of NBA's ugliest team? It is actually quite simple for a cunning GM like Danny Ainge. He went right to work and added Sheldon Williams and Marquis Daniels. Bones does not make a habit of getting cheap laughs at the appeareance of others but if he saw 5 man squad of Williams, Daniels, Brian Scalabrine, Big Baby Davis and Kendrick Perkins walking down the street he would be convinced the goverment was creating mutants and a few had escaped. The eyes, noses and foreheads of Davis, Perkins and Williams look like their staring at reflections in a mirror maze and Daniels seems satanically posessed. With the world's biggest ginger, Scalabrine, rounding out the group the men from Beantown have undoubtedly locked up a repeat.
Biggest Potential Suprise: Washington Wizards: Washington has the same core that finished fifth in the East two years ago and has added even more scoring. There are not many teams in the league that posess 5 players that can score over 30 on a given night and the Wizards definitely have that in Gilbert Arenas, Mike Miller, Antawn Jamison, Randy Foye, and Caron Butler. The Wizards have also added depth to the frontcourt with the addition of Fabricio Oberto and the emergence of Andray Blache. As is always the case with the Wizards the biggest question is can they stay healthy? If they can Bones sees them as a sixth seed that has a real chance to scare Cleveland or Orlando in the first round.
Best Hair-Mike Miller: Despite tough competion from Ron Artest and Dirk Nowitzki Mike Miller is the winner of this year's award for best hair. Bones was in attendence for the Wizards' preseason game against the Grizzlies. After signing autographs and taking pictures with babies Bones found his seat and began to watch the players warm up. When he glanced at the court for the first time he saw the most beautiful hair he had ever seen. Wavy, vibrant, golden locks were flowing down the back of one of Washington's players. Bones first instict was to assume the mane belonged to a d-leaguer who would be cut at the end of the season and never seen again. Imagine how enthralled he was when your loyal narrator discovered the majestic ensemble belonged to Mike Miller. Refusing to let his performance affect his appearance Miller shunned a ponytail. Instead, he constantly threw his hand backwards and brushed the hair away from his eyes leading to both a sub par performance and the fainting of several females. Following the game the Wizards shamelessly informed Mr. Miller he must mask the vibrant radiance that is his hair with a ponytail. This is the equivalent of telling a rainbow it can only be one color but Bones believes an all yellow rainbow would be better than none at all and looks forward to watching Miller make women swoon throughout the season.
MVP-Carmelo Anthony- 2009 is the year that Carmelo Anthony finally takes his place alongside D-Wade, Kobe and LeBron in the NBA's elite. It is not as if Melo has not been playing at the same level as these players the past three seasons but this year he will finally be forgiven by the media for a series of minor transgressions (the most unforgivable being his decision to marry MTV's VJ and wear this.) Carmelo became Bones second favorite player in the league during the 2004 Olympics. He seemed to be the only player that showed any passion on what was a disaster of a squad. He followed that up with an even more impressive performance in the Athens games and a great 2008-2009 NBA season for the Nuggets. Anthony may not be the defender Wade, Kobe and LeBron are but he is a more efficient and natural scorer. The difference between he and the other three being he can score 40 or 50 points with interupting the flow of the offense. He scores in a variety of ways, none involving the calling of a high ball screen or clear out while the rest of his team stands stagnant. When the Nuggets do isolate him he makes moves predicated on scoring quickly. He is also strong enough to to post up, attack the basket and draw fouls without the preferential officiating treatment other elite players recieve. If Baltimore's finest puts up 26, 6 and 5, Denver has another succesful year and the voters do whats right the 2009 MVP should go to Melo.
NBA Champ: San Antonio Spurs: As painful as it is to envision Bones' crystal ball contains the Spurs and Celtics playing an NBA finals full of 83-79 contests. The Spurs made themselves exponentially better by adding a fourth scorer in Richard Jefferson. They also added a valuable veteran, Antonio McDyess, and and stole DeJaun Blair with the 38th pick. Why isn't every NBA team run like the Spurs? With Tony Parker blowing by Derek Fisher at will, Jefferson forcing Kobe to exert energy on defense and McDyess pulling Gasol away from the basket so Tim Duncan can operate the Spurs will sneak by the Lakers before disposing of Boston in 6 games to win the NBA championship.
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