Dialogue with Dirk

As grillenwitgill has built increasing fame and popularity Bones has recieved countless requests from PR represenatives to interview players. He has denied these requests because he has always hated interviews. The majority of them are full of cliches, offer no real insight and at times are painful to listen to. Bones also has no real interest in meeting or speaking with any of the pros he watches on tv. The chances of them being nice guys and interesting are nearly obsolete so he fails to see the point. However, sometimes even Bones must make exceptions.

Bones found out around a year ago the Mark Cuban is a huge fan of the blog. He met Mr. Cuband and actually enjoys his company when he is not trying to get him to come to a Mavericks home game (Obviously, this has not and will not happen because of the promise your loyal narrator made to himself to never visit the hanus home of the Cowboys). However, Bones has caught a couple road games with Cubes including the last time the Mavs visited the Staples Center. Mark flew yours truly out to the home of Justin Bobby where they surfed all day, caught the game and ventured to Vegas for the night. Bones was having such a good time that at some point during the festivites he agreed to interview one of the Dallas players for his blog which was Cubes plan all along. Touche Marky.

During halftime of last Wednesdays blow out win over the Nets he called your loyal narrator and informed him that he was ready to use his favor. Cubes suggersted that Bones should interview spark plug and classic overachiever JJ Barea. Bones admonished his good friend for even suggesting such an encounter occur. He let him know that as an avid reader of the blog he should know how much players like Barea are looked down upon. Bones demanded Cuban cut Barea and sign Ricky Davis for his blunder. The conversation became heated, (which is why Cuban didn't return to his seat until mid 4th quarter) , but eventually an agreement was reached. Bones reluctantly consented to interview German stalwart Dirk Nowitzky but only under certain conditions. The interview must take place on the roof of Ceasers Palace at the same exact spot where the best scene of The Hangover occured. Cuban agreed, a jet was sent for Bones, and the following interview transpired at that very spot at 3:07 AM Eastern time.

Bones: Dirk, nice to meet you. Would you like a shot of yaeger?
Dirk: For the first time in my life I actually wouldn't. Do you understand we just had a big win? Instead of being out celebrating with the fellas I have to talk to some loser on a roof?
Bones: Look Dirk, I don't want to be here any more than do. Just answer a few questions to make Mr. Cuban happy and we will get out of here.
Dirk: Fine, Just hurry the hell up. Baywatch re-runs start in 20 minutes.
Bones: Dirk, you know you guys have suffered a lot of injuries early in the season with Marion, Howard and Dampier being on the shelf. How have you still managed such a fast start?
Dirk: Well, you know, the team has just come together. You know we're a real team. It's not just one guy. We're taking it one game at a time. You know just fighting our guts out and letting the chips fall where they may. We've been succesful early but it's a marathon not a sprint.
Bones: Well put Dirk but my integrity will not let me keep asking generic questions and listening to answers that sound like they're coming from a robot.
Dirk: Well what do you want do you want me to say? That I am a German god and have put this team on my back. That my 28, 8 and 6 are the reason we are good. No one reads your stupid blog anyways. Ask me anything you want and actually I do want a shot of yaeger.
Bones: Yes Sir Dirk. I had a bunch of real questions prepared but was not sure how you would react. This is going to be great.
Dirk: Don't get too excited and act like a groupie when I wave at them. Four questions and I'm out of here.
Bones: Fair Enough. What the hell were you thinking at the beginning of last season when you cut your hair? You were like a modern day Samson. Also what did you with the hair? This only counts as one question.
Bones:I was trying to switch my image up. In America if you do not have tatoos of guns or telling people not to judge you you're considered weak. Just because I prefer to shoot my beautiful fade away as opposed to throwing my body into people I'm soft? Or I'm soft because I hum David Hasselhoff songs when I'm on the line. I wouldn't be able to hum anything if I wasn't drawing fouls would I? Anyways, I still played well but just didn't feel quite as attractive so I grew it back. As for what I did with the hair I sent it to a research center knowing something that beautiful had to be good for something. Turns out it is a cure for some rare disease in Malaysia. I wish I could say I'm suprised.
Dirk: That's what I'm talking about Dirk. People helping people.Sometimes when you hit a big shot at home you stare at the crowd like you expect them to get on their knees in reverence. Whenever this happens I always stand up and yell at the television, "I am Dirk worship me!" What is going through your mind at these moments?
Dirk(Taking another shot): That's exactly how I feel Bones. I mean people knock athletes for being cocky but think about what is going on at the second I hit that shot. There are 20,000 people screaming at the top of their lungs. There are CEOs of Fortune 500 companies sitting in the front row that would give it all up to just to slap my palm. Let's face it I won the genetic lottery. If I was a wild animal I would be the leader of the pack. I'm 7 feet tall, good looking, run like a gazelle and have a breath taking jump shot. I should be worshipped. Sometimes I think about just showing up at a village inhabitated by an indigenous tribe and getting the treatment I really deserve. Think about how the Indians treated Cortez. It would be like that x10. But no I'm supposed to act like I'm not special, like I'm just like everyone else. Well you know what? I'm not.
Bones: Absolutely great stuff. I hope you don't mind me getting personal but what was the deal with your girlfriend last year? She was some kinda groupie on steriods and you actually dated her after several other players fell in the same trap? The she wouldn't leave your house and the press and police got involved. It seemed very un-Dirk of you.
Dirk: (Now doing doubles) Apparently in this country if you let a girl draw a picture of you in the nude to be mounted in your living room she's your girlfriend. I mean I barely knew her. She was a nice girl, attractive and all but your boy Dizzle Nizzle in a serious relationship? Come on Bones you know better than that. And about the stuff she said to the press, we have a saying in Germany that goes, "don't build a kitchen with windows because you should never let a woman have a point of view" need I say more?
Bones: I guess not. Jane Adams would be proud of you. For my last question I got to ask you does Mark Cuban get annoying? I mean obviously he is one of the best owners in the league to play for but does the fact he is always on the road with you guys and so involved ever get to you?

Dirk: I mean of course it does but we all love him. If I have to choose between having an owner like Mr. Cuban that cares a little to much and someone like Donald Sterling I will take Mark everytime. But we definitely take advantage of the fact that he tries to live vicariously through us. Do you have time for a story?
Bones: Dirk, I'm a blogger and I'm sitting on the top of a Casino with a professional athlete. Of course I have time.
Dirk: You're right. What was I thinking? So you know Mark, like most guys, wishes he was a professional athlete. The difference between him and everyone else is he has the money to buy a team and follow them around. However, that's not enough for him. He wants to eat every meal with us, go to the clubs with us, watch The Bachelor with us and even room with us . Of course we don't let this happen but Mark tries his best. He has a lot of weird habits like stealing our underarmour out of the bin and making us autograph all his wife beaters and boxers but the weirdest is eating our leftovers. Cubes will catch word of where we're eating, (I think he has a snitch on the team because we can almost never shake him. I think it's Barea, I mean he's been good for us but why the hell would you ever give him a try out? He's 5'6, went to four years of college and looks like a rat. Damnit it definitely is) and just show up. He sits at another booth with his wife or boys and waits until we're done. Then he comes over to the table and eats the rest of whatever we have left. One time Jason Terry ordered a meat smoothie at a deli where we were having lunch just to see if Cubes would drink it after he left. And he did! But it was nothing like this one time we played the Pistons. We didn't go out because we were obviously in Detroit and we had a 6AM flight the next morning. However, there was a marathon of the Hills on MTV so I had the whole team in my room but didn't invite Mark. We knew Cubes would be hovering around like he always does and we were bored so it was practical joke time. Eric Dampier may look like a guy you would trust your child with but beneath that soft exterior is a tortured soul. So around 2AM he has this incredible idea. He walks to the Walmart next to the hotel and buys laxative and the hottest hot sauce they had. He then orders chicken wings and a drink from room service. Knowing Cubes is watching the whole time and waiting for his leftovers he eats what he wants, dumps the laxative in his drink and covers the remaining wings with the hot sauce and sets the dish outside. Of course as soon as he does this everyone that's tall enough to see out of the peephole, (so everyone except Barea) fights over it and we all see bits and pieces of Mark sprinting down the hall, devouring the wings and chugging the coke without even making a face. The entire flight back to Dallas Cubes was in the own airplane's bathroom screaming. I do not think I have laughed that hard since my third grade teacher told me I wouldn't be famous.
Bones: Wow, Dirk I really don't know what to say. What can I possibly do to follow up an answer like that.
Dirk: How about you take a shot of Yaeger and we go steal Mike Tyson's tiger.