Quite a Quandry

Bones begins his barrage on the blogasphere both humbled and confused. He is humbled because almost 300 people have visited his refuge from the real world since he posted an Ode to Ms. Bones (Bones promises it is not just him constantly pressing refresh). He is confused because he is not sure what to think of an entry about his beloved girlfriend being his most popular to date. Should he start a blog writing gut wrenching love balleds and dating advice and cash in on his uncanny ability to make the ladies swoon? Or should he continue to write about the non sense that his previous 8 fans have come to love and expect from their loyal narrator. Even though he could regret this decision more than Buzz Aldrin regrets going with rock against Neil Armstrong in roshambo on the way to the moon he must go with what got him here (where here is he is not exactly sure). Bones has decided to write a belated All-Star break review and make a u-turn on the road to fame.

Bones' will be the first to admit that his preseason predictions were awful. He had the Wizards as his suprise team and the Spurs as the champs. He will not use injuries, hilarious practical jokes involving firearms and the fact that Richard Jefferson apparently died and had Brent Berry take over his body like he was Locke from Lost as excuses. What he will do is atone for his ineptitude with humor (as he has done all his life). Bones refused the all access passes his good friend Dirk Nowitzki left him for All-Star weekend (because it was in Cowboys stadium) but he was able to get many of his favorite players on the phone and asked them the following questions.

Bones: Caron, how are you doing? I must admit that I am happy for you. The Wizards have an awful record and occasionally made you share the court with a midget but you still always played hard. I also think the trade makes Dallas the third best team in the West. However, you did go from the home of the Redskins to that of the Cowboys. What was the first thing you thought when you were traded and how do you feel about the deal overall?
Caron Butler: No offense to the Mavs but the first thing I thought about was Mountain Dew. I mean the Wizards did a lot of strange things in my time there but taking my dew away from me? Come on now! You know what that does to a man going from 2 Liters of Dew a day to none. It's just not right. After I polished off a 6 pack I starting thinking about Dallas. The first thing I thought about was how much I hate cowboys fans. Their obnoxious, cocky and most have never even been to Dallas. But then I thought, wait, I will be in Dallas so all of them there will obviously have been there. Plus, you know there season is always over at least a month before the Super Bowl and that means more attention for the Mavs. I thought about the actual basketball part of the deal last which is strange because you know it's what I do for a living. When I thought about it I was excited. I don't know whether it was the prospect of playing with a german god or the second 6 pack of Mountain Dew but I do know I was definitely excited! I think we can win the whole thing, I don't what the hell you're talking about third for. I ain't scared of Denver or LA. In fact Kobe's scared of me. That's why he got traded from the Lakers. He tried to take a sip of my dew before practice one day and I nearly ended his life right there. Next day I am on a plane to Washington! He should have known better but now I will get my revenge. I might drink 4 liters before we play them!
Bones: Chauncey! I'm so glad I finally get to talk to you. I understand why you wouldn't meet me in person but I promise I'm not a stalker or weird or anything. I just really love your jump shot, how big your arms are, the way you walk out of time outs like you're an All-State quarterback walking down a high school hallway and how you always hit huge shots. When you got traded from the Pistons it was one of the worst days of my life. I still cry everytime Rodney Stuckey misses a 3 in crunch time. I mean we basically traded you for Charlie Villanueva and Ben Gordon. Two guys coming off the bench! There's so much I want to ask you. Do you miss Detroit? Are you glad Joe Dumars looks like he ate the last remaining Pistons fan? How is it being back home in Denver? Do the Nuggets have a real shot at knocking off the Lakers?
Chauncey: Whoa, whoa whoa. Easy young fella. I love my fans but I only got time for one question. You know who you're talking to right?
Bones: Of course you're right, I'm sorry. The two things you are most famous for are big shots and how well-liked you are by your peers. I mean, they call you the mayor. So I guess if I can only ask one question I guess it's how do you manage to be so cool all the time?
Chauncey: You know, it's really hard to answer that. That's just the way its always been. When I was 5 years old my mom bought me these bright red overalls. I knew they weren't cool but my moms bought em and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I wore them on Friday to school and the next monday everyone in my class was wearing the same ugly overalls. It was then I realized that I would always be cool and always be a leader. In middle school the principal didn't make any changes in the school unless they were run by me and in high school 3 teachers asked me to the prom. I used to do stuff in high school just to see if people would copy me. They always did. I wore a ring pop once and they next day, you guessed everyone was sucking sugary goodness from their ring finger. However, I must admit a small amount of thought goes into it. Like, I just feel relaxed in cold climates. I actually have a clause in my contract that states I cannot play anywhere where it gets over 70 during the season. Don't believe me? Look at the teams I have played for. Boston, Toronto, Minnesota, Denver, Detroit and Denver again. I am so cool you can still see my breath on South Beach in summer but it's a personal preference. But if you need advice Bones, I'm sorry, your helpless.

Bones: Kevin my relationship with you is similar to the one I had with a brazilian belly dancer while backpacking through South America. It makes up for what it lacks in length with passion. But while the passion I felt for her made me long for her embrace the passion I feel for you makes me want to punch someone in the face. When you were toiling away in Minnesota I couldn't have cared less about your childish antics. It was when your teammates and the refs knocked the Pistons out of the playoffs that my hatred was born. I hate how you head butt the basket before games, pound your chest after fade away jump shots and how you only talk trash to foreign players. You never played well in big games but masked that by yelling a lot and barking at rookies. Still, Bones has to admit you were one of the best players in the league at one time. But oh how have the mighty have fallen. While watching the Celtics collapse against the Cavs the other night Bones has never been happier. You hobbled up and down the court bricking jumpers off the front rim and missing easy rebounds as Cleveland went on a 26-4 run. That is called karma my friend. My only question I have for you is are you going to continue to scream obscenities and bully point guards from Latvia know that you are a poor man's Antonio McDyess?

Garnett: What did you say to me you #!??? I will ?!?!?!?! if I ever see you. Do you hear me you little &*##*&$#))!!!! Anything is possible! Anything is *##*#&@(@( possible.

Kesha update: Bones' good friend Kesha has followed up her number one hit with a song in which the premise is that she doesn't want guys to hit on her. This is not because she is not interested, it is actually the opposite. She just wants to skip the meaningless talking and get down to "business." Below are actual lyrics.

I don't really care where you live at
Just turn around boy, let me hit that
Don't be a little b**** with your chit chat
Just show me where your d**** at

This definitely bodes well for the future of American music. In a related story my friend Ricky made the following video in homage to Kesha's first song.