Bag of Bones

Bones had no intention of writing a blog today. If fact your loyal narrator hadn’t even thought about appeasing the masses with unencumbered ecstasy since he hit the submit button on his last entry. “Belts are to keep you pants up” produced myriad negative text messages calling for his retirement by readers asking for ten minutes of their life back. While Bones cannot turn back the hands of time, he does have a few hours with nothing to do and will try to do better this time. With that bold proclamation how can you not be on the edge of your seat waiting to read the latest installment of “bag of Bones” (this is what my fake mailbag will know be called).

Why do you think it is so funny to talk like someone in the 1940s? ( Agnus, Coral Gables, Florida)

Bones takes absolutely no responsibility for the recent influx of 1940s sayings that are taking over his vocabulary and threatening to make it impossible for him to communicate with anyone in society under the age of 90. This all falls on his youngest brother Seth “birdman, j-quan, string bean” (more on the latest nickname, if you make it that far) Gill. You see string bean is a weird cat. He skate boards around the neighborhood with his shirt off in 40 degree weather, states he never wants to get his license and lives off taco bell. About six months ago this lunatic started speaking like he was dealing moonshine during prohibition and for reasons unknown Bones laughs hysterically every time. He yells at his mother that “it’s no skin off his rear” when she sends him to his room, exclaims “he’s about to mosey on up to Taco Bell” and questions “where in the tarnation his britches are?” Bones caught the bug and recently told a sandwich artist at subway, “not to be stingy with the fixens my stomach is growling something fierce.” Your loyal narrator has been looking into retirement homes where he could find a place to rest his hat and appreciate the hospitality.

Why is your brothers name on facebook now Seth “J-Quan, Birdman, String Bean” Gill?

(John in Denver)

If writing a blog makes Bones a loser what does writing a blog that is dominated by his little brother make him? Anyways, I will answer the question. My loyal readers know that J-Quan derives from Seth’s middle school days on the block shooting dice and wearing nothing but Mitchell and Ness. Chris “Birdman” Anderson was instrumental in helping Seth through rehab at the age of 15 (not true, don’t call me Mom). String Bean is a recent addition predicated on Seth’s decision to became a professional wrestler. He states that he will wear a full body length green spandex outfit that will also cover his face. His finishing move will be the stringer in which he rips his head through the top of the spandex while jumping off the top rope and lands on the groin of his victim. Every statement string bean utters will be followed simply by him yelling “String Bean.” The following is a recent example, “Mom I looked my teacher square in the face and said I ain’t taking your test devil woman. I then put the whole thing in my mouth, swallowed it, and gave her the stringer. String Bean!”

I was looking through your facebook photos and saw that someone you were with actually has the polo symbol tattooed on his chest. Is this real and how do you know this kid? (Hannah in Montana)

Yes, Hannah, the tattoo is all to real. Bones has been good friends with this clown since his junior year in high school. Ricky, could a kid with that tattoo have a creepier name, used to come “scoop” your loyal narrator in the “nug” nearly every friday. His car was known as the nug because he spray painted the entire car with gold spray paint and then proceeded to let all his friends sign it. Ricky and Bones made a great team as he is the bravest (or dumbest) person ever to walk this earth and Bones is terrified of getting in trouble. Because of this Bones could make rationale decisions about how to not get arrested when Ricky had covered aisle 15 in Wal-Mart with bisquick and slid across the entire store, made it rain with every napkin in the entire Hardees before making it rain existed, followed the cleaning crew around McDonald’s with a dust pan and yelled “gooooaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllll” everytime something was swept into it or waited until the manager of CiCi’s called the cops about him putting Sprite in his water cup and then thrown 86 pennies at the guy while he was on the phone. It may have taken him seven years and a regrettable night at the tattoo parlor to graduate college but fear not because he is currently living in Arlington where he is, “the head pimp in charge in that piece, stacking cash, being the illest and living life to the fullest everyday. I’m fresh, Straight up!”

I’m more of a genetic freak than Zues and Serena William’s son. I dominate sportscenter top 10 and have the potential to be the greatest power forward of all-time yet no one can come up with a decent nickname for me. Help me out Bones!

(Blake in LA)

Blake, what’s up? Huge fan. Your nickname should be league pass. It derives from the fact that countless NBA fans will be ordering league pass throughout your career simply because of you. I know its simple but that’s what so great about it. It’s not forced like the “black mamba” or generic like “d-wade: it just flows. Imagine anyone but Stuart Scott saying, “League pass has led the Clippers back to relevancy.” Or, “double-doubles are like breathing to league pass.” Sounds right as rain to Bones. You’re welcome.

Is Black and Yellow the best song of all time? (Charlie in Baltimore)

Yes. In related news Bones convinced one of his friends that Wiz Khalifa was white (and this idiot is a soon to be a lawyer) and the Steelers are his pick to win the Super Bowl. Uh huh you know it is.

To close Iron Mike would like to defend "Belts are to Keep Your Pants Up." "At times, I come across as crude or crass, that irritates you when I come across like a Neanderthal or a babbling idiot at times. But I like to be that person. I like to show you all that person because that's who you come to see." Well Said Mike. Everyone enjoy the weekend.