A few short words

Bones’ best friend Eric Kelland gets married this weekend. Defying the odds that all gingers face he somehow found a doting, beautiful wife. Not only is she one of the nicest human beings to ever grace God’s green earth but she also tolerates that he still wears a backwards hat and lives on a diet of chicken tenders in his late 20s. In turn, he somehow deals with the fact that she is a Ravens fan and from the North. They appear to be the perfect couple (only flaw I can find is they write e-mails to each other pretending they are from their dog. For example, hey pappa this is your baby Madison. Mommy and I want you to pick up some ice cream from the store on your way home. Heart emoticon, paw emoticon, xoxo. Truly inexcusable.). However, this entry is not about their young, unbridled love continuing to mature as they cherish each other for all of entirety. As is always the case is about Bones.

As much as your loyal narrator hates to admit it he has been rooting against the day happening for quite some time. He knew as soon as Eric became engaged he would start dreading giving the wedding speech. You may be shocked that a man that possesses so much wit, prestige, and class would cringe at the opportunity to appease the masses with a speech. However, public speaking is to Bones what Kryptonite is to Super Man and what a heel is to Achilles. It is an undefeatable enemy that brings him to his knees dry mouthed, stammering and uncontrollably sweating. Bones has not done much in his life but he has been to countless weddings and witnessed almost as many horrendous speeches. There are a few simple ground rules that should never be broken yet they are shattered over and over. While the audience will undoubtedly be left wondering why a soft spoken, sweat covered, Elmer Fudd impersonator was allowed to give a speech Bones promises not to embarrass anyone but himself.

Rule 1: Do not talk about yourself unless it is absolutely necessary: Bones is not getting married on Sunday. Therefore he is inconsequential. The entire day should be centered around celebrating the two people who are making a decently important commitment. The speech should concentrate on the qualities the individuals possess that will help make this life long commitment life long. Not the fact that you’re a lawyer, or you’re golf game is better that your friends or that your son gets his looks from you. Bones has witnessed multiple speeches where the speaker states they are scared they are losing a friend to marriage. If you say something like that during a wedding speech you should be.

Rule 2: Keep it short: Is there anything worse than a long wedding speech? Bones cannot stand when he has finished off his second Cosmo, digested his food and is raring to hit the dance floor only to be quelled by a thirty minute speech that usually repeatedly breaks Rule 1. Momentum and timing are extremely important in weddings. There is a certain amount of time for the ceremony, dinner, speeches, dancing etc. If there is a glitch any aspect the wedding loses that precious momentum and when it’s over no one knows what the hell just happened. Most people don’t know this but women think weddings are pretty important. Some even start thinking about them when they are a young child and spend years picturing their dress. The bride spends countless hours preparing and worrying that everything goes according to plan and time restrictions are met. Yet some chiefs completely destroy all this preparation because they think they are unveiling life’s secrets before the audiences eyes or believe they are auditioning for the last comic standing. When this occurs the whole wedding is thrown off. Agnus has to leave before they play shout killing Frank’s chances, middle aged people are to lethargic to dance and the young people have gotten to drunk passing the time during the marathon speech. Fear not Eric this will not happen to you. Bones promises to be both awful and quick. Take that as you may.

Rule 3: It’s not story time: Short, humorous stories about childhood or that reveal positive character attributes of the bride, groom or both are fine. However, repeatedly telling embarrassing stories or telling any tale that involves alcohol or college is off limits. Bones has observed the following scenario countless times at weddings. The speaker says something like, “We sure did have some wild times in college. Remember that night at Phi Delt sophomore year. We obviously can’t tell that one. “ and then gives their friend a wink. It is always a great idea to bring up a story the person getting married probably regrets in front of his parents, grandparents, siblings and oh yea his future spouse. No better way to start the honeymoon then a question from your better half about what really happened that night at Phi Delt. Luckily for Eric he is a class individual, does not have any such stories and Bones is not a moron.