LOD "The Anniversary I Never had"

This was written by Bones deranged brother Little Orphan Danny. (LOD)

SLAM! “WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN!” The man with the crazed look in his eyes said to LOD as he slammed me against the marble wall. Suddenly the anger left his face and he let me go and fell to the floor, this time with tears in his eyes and a soft, whimpering voice “Where the hell have you been.” Now after three hours of smoking cigarettes, watching sister wives and talking, me and this strange man who had suddenly broken into my hut somewhere in east asia, and attacked me, worked things out. You see LOD, not knowing how much pain and sufferings it would bring to his fans had decided to move out to somewhere in East Asia and simply live off the land. LOD, unlike Bones, does not need a model rubbing his feet at all hours of the day and gin on tap, to be happy. So without a goodbye blog or leaving any trace of where he was off to, LOD left. I demanded to know of Rick, my attacker and adoring fans name, what had happened since I left. He launched into crazy ramblings and strange antidotes but from what was said LOD believes this is what happened. Now as the years and months passed by and no blog came from LOD, his fans became restless and lost. So they all congregated together and confronted Bones about his whereabouts. Now Bones had been sworn to secrecy by LOD in a weird ceremony in which two baby calves ended up dead and Bones was left bald. However, the tears of the fans and their seemingly helpless state without LOD’s blogs stirred something foreign to Bones,emotion. So he simply told them that I had left the country.

A worldwide search was launched by LOD’s adoring fans and after a couple of months all of them had turned around except Rick, who had taken his terrified family along for this crazy ride. Im not sure what exactly happened on their trip because Rick kept jumping from story to story without any storyline but I do know that he talked about this place called the Rambler Inn a lot. Anyway as Rick continued his story,I looked out into the stormy night and saw Rick’s family in the car, a beautiful wife and two 6 month old baby boys but something did not look right about them. LOD realized that their hands, feet and mouth were duct taped. At this moment it dawned on LOD, this is not an adoring fan, RICK IS A CRAZY PERSON! My next reaction was to pull the shotgun, I always keep stuffed down my left pant leg out and straight murk Rick. SHAAAAAAAAAAAABOOOOM and RIck’s lifeless body was thrown against the back wall. I then proceeded outside and took Ricks wife and children for my own. Nonetheless, Rick had had an effect on me so I decided to move back stateside and return to my blogging career.

So for my return to the blogosphere I have decided to give all you chiefs out there a little taste of the chocolate cake that is my mind and give you three pieces of life advice. My Grandpapy always said this about life advice “Shut your mouth and listen up to what the hell I have to say,” So here we go.

Number one- Don’t waste your time showering unless you sweat a lot- Why waste precious time under the dominion of the shower head if you do not get dirty or sweat. This is something that bogs up LOD’s free flowing mind. I see people taking one or two showers.....A DAY! That is madness. Imagine all you could be doing instead, like reading Ernest Hemingway or taking a good dump. Side note, there is nothing LOD enjoys more than taking his drawers off and just sitting on the toilet for a long time just drinking in the aromas of his own seed. But anyways, why take the precious time out of our day to do something that some deodorant on the armpits and a brush of the teeth can take care of in five seconds. But LOD, does not even like to do that because the female species may say they like a good smelling man but let me tell you something, they like the natural musk of a man. It is built into their DNA. You think that for thousands and thousands of years women were attracted to men who never showered and then all of sudden people start taking showers all the time and their natural instincts just change. NO! Now just because its what their supposed to do in a social situation many a women has said stuff to me things such as“LOD you smell like spoiled milk” or “LOD I’d rather cut all ten of my toes then touch you romantically.” These women would say these nasty and hurtful things to LOD but I’d be misleading you if I did not tell you that not a short time later a text would be sent LOD’s way from these women with something like “ I know I was extremely rude to you earlier and you can deal with me how you wish with that, but I must tell you, I cannot put my finger on it but your everything I have ever wanted in a man.”

Piece of Advice number two-Spend at least one year of your life as a truck driver- LOD recently a couple years ago did this and it was on the roads of America that I discovered who that little midget that is living inside of me is. You never really know who you are until you stay in dirty, musky motels seven nights a week and have women who smell of cigarettes and pepto bismol hitting on you,sometimes succeeding, at the local rest stop. I drove about sixteen to eighteen hours a day, hauling kelly picklers new album to CD shops around the country. But LOD what did you do with yourself for all that time with just you and the road? Well it really depended on the day, some days I would mostly fantasize about what my future will be like with my celebrity crush and hopefully future wife Rihanna. We would open up a chocolate and vanilla swirl ice cream shop and would make profits off of sheer irony. Our children will be the mascot. Also I spent a lot of time listening to music. Everything from David Gray to Bubba Sparx entered my ears and I learned a lot from these artists. I listened to endless hours of music on the road and during this time, and by taking the best part of all their life philosophy’s, LOD came up with his own by the name of Heraldonism. Now this is an extremely complicated and mindboggling new movement that was started by LOD and it is growing fast. However, it would take pages and pages to explain and even then you wouldn’t fully understand it. It’s all about the experience man. So that will have to wait until a later date. For now drive your truck and let the road be your captain.

Piece of Advice number Three- Only marry or date a classy women- This is perhaps the most important of the all the pieces of advice that LOD can give. In order to give my loyal readers a little taste of why this is important, I will give you a day in the life of LOD and his classy wife. I make up next to her, she smells of cinnamon. She then proceeds to go downstairs and make me some orange juice and some bacon and eggs (LOD is fattening himself up at his wife’s request because she likes to think of me as just one big baby.) She wears a bow in her hair and a long dress wherever she goes. We start our day off by going to the park where I compete in my weekly ultimate frisbee games and she watches the kids take turns riding our dog. I bought one of those huge dogs, a mastiff I think their called and have fitted him with a saddle and at least one of my kids must be mounting it like a horse at all hours of the day for my amusement. Now it is lunch time and we shoo the kids off to day care, their someone else’s problem now and we have a nice lunch at a local watering hole by the name of Chicken Mania. We wear our napkins in our collars and giggle with each other just like the first day we met. We get up(she looks so good in her stockings and black clogs) and proceed to take our afternoon nap. It is now 5’o clock and she heads off to get the kids from daycare and I go to the market to by some fresh beef. My conversation with the teller goes something like “Hows your day sir” “ Well I ain’t getting any younger, and my mortgage isnt going away so all and all pretty...great!” HAHA Laughs all around. I head back to my home to find that my parents and my wifes parents will be joining us. What a treat. Our conversations are like this “LOD do you love my daughter” Response “Um well let me think about this Father in law Jack, um TO THE MOON AND BACK” high fives all around. Love is a beautiful thing. After the rents leave and we clean up its off to an early bedtime. All this fun has worn me out.

You stupid women

the pots go on the left, the pans on the right

do you have to be told that forthright

i’m just trying to help you out

You stupid women

get your act together

do not smother your problems with a clothe

but let them flow into the air and breathe like the steam coming off of a good frothe

You stupid women

stop with your beezewax and malcontent

just let the ice melt at its own pace

it’s not a race

You stupid women

what do you want from me

All I want to do is please your every key

O stupid women you were so right despite your spite

I am the stupid women