A hidden gem

The other day Bones was driving through a toll. He dumped the required 70 cents into the bin that represents the man’s pocket and prepared to drive away. However, when he looked up the white barrier was still down. He looked back over to the bin and the archaic contraption was implying that he still owed 10 cents. The problem was that Bones did not have any more change and it was to late to hit reverse and go to the full service line.

            Bones’ worst nightmare was becoming a reality. Countless cars began to pile up behind him waiting to feed the man and get on with their day. His palms began to sweat, as his mind could not bare the thought of people he would never see or meet thinking he was idiot. He exited the car, slid the drivers seat all the way forward and there it was shining in all its glory. He had never been so happy to have a dime at his disposal before midnight. His heart returned to its normal beating rate as he gathered the shimmering duckett, kissed FDR right on the mouth and satisfied the ever hungry appetite of the government. He then drove through the toll victorious and continued another monotonous day.

            As is always the case after a momentous life experience Bones’ thoughts immediately turned to his readers. He thought to himself, How can I make my readers feel the joy I felt upon seeing that dime? What hidden gems could he help his readers find? Then it occurred to him. He could couple his love of television entertainment and countless free time to scour the deepest depths of Netflix. He would then share his findings with his loyal followers. In turn his loyal followers would pool all their resources together and reimburse his ten cents.  Below is a list that will keep even the most unambitious of men entertained for months.

Arrested Development

            For once, Bones is nearly at a loss for words. It is truly difficult to quantify an entity as great as this show. It took a few episodes for your loyal narrator to catch up with the humor but once he did the show took him on a ride that would make Jimmy Johnson shudder. It is hands down the best sitcom Bones has ever seen.  As an avid fan of Larry David it pains Bones to say this but it is the truth.

The show’s main character is played by Jason Bateman. His father has recently been arrested for fraud and he is in charge of both keeping all the idiots in his family in line and saving the company. There are eight constant secondary characters that are all mind-blowingly hilarious. Like many great shows it was cancelled before its time because people would rather watch The Biggest Loser or American Idol. However, all three seasons are streaming on Netflix and a fourth will be released exclusively on the website in May. 

Trailer Park Boys

Little Orphan Danny told Bones about this Canadian gem. In his short life LOD has been described as paranoid, negative and even senile. However, not once has anyone questioned his taste. He watched and appreciated Casablanca during his own birth, and memorized Mozart’s complete works by five. He was also known (the following is actually true) on his youth soccer team as Paul Simon because of his habit of making the parents of other players play Paul Simon CDs on long road trips.

            When LOD suggests any form of entertainment Bones follows blindly and is always rewarded. Trailer Park Boys is no exception. The show chronicles the misadventures of three young men, (Bubbles, Julian and Ricky) from a Nova Scotia trailer park who are simply trying to make a dishonest living. They are constantly harassed by park security (Mr. Lahey and Randy) but overcome their gross inadequacies and usually avoid trouble. There are seven full seasons and two movies on Netflix for your viewing pleasure. 

The following clip is not from the actual show but introduces you to Bubbles.

 

Archer

            Most of you have probably not watched this show for the same reason Bones avoided it for so long. It is a cartoon. In spite of this it is one of the smarter shows on television. It is like a cartoon milkshake of The Office, Parks and Recreation and the Hangover except the main character is an alcoholic, womanizing, spy with no regard for human life. Season 4 is currently airing on FX and the first two seasons are available on Netflix streaming. 

Gosling

No article is complete without mentioning this adonis. Drive, Half-Nelson and Blue Valentine are all streaming on Netflix. So cuddle up with the one you love and some popcorn as you both wish you were the person staring back at you on the screen. 

 

It is what it is

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            Bones does not like the majority of the people he meets. He does not think this makes him any different than the majority of the human race. Anyone who disagrees with this statement please conduct the following exercise. Estimate how many people you have had enough interaction with to form an opinion of. Now think about how many people you would want to go on vacation with. Exactly.[1]

            Every person alive has annoying attributes. Some people hoard cats. Some people wear clothes they should not. Some people complain they cannot lose weight while eating a Big Mac. Some people talk incessantly about their kids, jobs or money. Some people that live above you have OCD and vacuum and move furniture at exactly 8:37 every morning. Some people lift up their shirt to look at their abs at the gym. You get the point.        

Bones is no different. He talks to much around people he knows, not enough around people he doesn’t, plays the same song on repeat for hours, loses his keys, loses his wallet, loses his cell phone, loses his keys, wallet and cell phone at the same time. Looks in the mirror, flexes, and yells “that’s what I’m talking about biotch” at they gym You get the point.

            The other day for reasons unknown Bones went to the food court in the mall. There are roughly 200 people in a small area that are all displaying at least 10 annoying attributes at once.[2]That is 2,000 annoying attributes Bones has to ignore so he can focus and enjoy a bite of his food without freaking out like his World of Warcraft account just got cancelled. Bones would write a book that rivaled the Illiad in length to list all the things people do that annoy him.[3] Instead he will save you some time and focus on the four most annoying things people have said to him in the last week. 

And you are? – This happened to Bones at a meeting for work. He was standing next to a co-worker and a woman came up and introduced herself to this co-worker. After they chatted for a few seconds the woman turned to your loyal narrator and said, “And you are?”

            This struck Bones as incredibly rude. However, this is not what bothered him. He simply had no idea how to respond. The responses that ran through his head were a human, Caucasian, noble son of Ann and Pat of Lexington, hungry and enraged you just said that to me. Alas all he could muster was, “John Brown ask me again and I’ll knock you down.”

It is what it is – How has a saying this useless been around for so long. Bones will admit he actually likes something about the way people say it but it literally means nothing. If Bones were to say, “I will never be as good looking as Ryan Gosling but it is what it is.” That just means he will never be as good looking as Ryan Gosling. If he were to say, “Someone slipped something in my drink last night and I woke up playing a card game in Reno but it is what it is.” That just means he got drugged and played some stud in Reno. It changes nothing about the sentence or its meaning. However, people love saying it. I guess it is what it is.

You can’t judge me – Actually Bones already did. When people say this, rap this or get tattoos of this it implies they have some sort of control over the rest of the human race.[4] Instinctively the first reaction one human being has with another is judgment. He seems like a great guy, she is attractive, he is ugly, why does he walk like that?. Etc. It is simply the way things are. The sooner you except the sooner you can change your tattoo to something like ONLY GOD’S JUDGMENT MATTERS TO ME.

Not to be mean/Bless her heart – These two prefaces to a comment are similar to it is what it is because they do change the meaning of what is about to be said. Apparently saying this makes a person feel better about the awful thing they are about to say because it is going used quite often. If someone says, “bless her heart but she has slept with half the town” they are still calling someone a slut. If a person says, “not to be mean but she needs to exercise more” they are still calling someone fat. Not to be mean but you are not fooling anyone.

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[1] Is that a sentence?

[2] Seriously, where do these people come from?

[3] Things People Do That Annoy Me by Bones. A surefire best seller.

[4] And I guess dogs as well. They are supposed to be good judge of character, right?

Bag of Bones

It has been almost seven months since your loyal narrator has blessed the masses. In this time the Orioles and Redskins made the playoffs in the same year for the first time since Bones was born, Ryan Gosling evolved into a cross between Brad Pitt and John Wayne, our president was reelected and Sweet Frog overtook crack as the nation’s most addictive drug. Bones needed a way to summarize all the groundbreaking activities that have occurred during his lengthy hiatus and also address the upcoming Super Bowl. He figured the best way was to get his assistant Pugsly to sort through the thousands of e-mails he received during his hiatus and choose only 4 to be definitely answered by yours truly.

Why do you hate Ray Lewis so much?

forever thankful for creation,

Ray Lewis

            Bones was the most surprised by this question because in his own words Ray Lewis tries to “live a humble life” and never does anything to draw attention to himself. That is if you do not include dancing for 10 minutes before every game, showing fake emotion any time he thinks the camera is on him and jumping on top of ball carriers that are already down in an attempt to up his tackle total. Lewis has been a mediocre linebacker on an average defense the last 3 years but still wants and receives the attention of a star.

            Off the field Lewis has made his share of mistakes (the famous double homicide case, 6 children out of wedlock, 3 charges of assault brought against him by women and now the use of illegal substances) and Bones should not pass judgment. However, it is also impossible to listen to a man praise God for every win (because God has a rooting interest in the Super Bowl) and ask to be a role model while constantly failing to be one. Bones roots for both a 49ERS win and for ESPN to reconsider hiring a hypocritical analyst who may grow antlers.

Am I the best actor alive?

Yours forever,

Ryan Gosling

            What is up body, I mean buddy? Why didn’t just shoot me a tweet? It is hard to argue against you for three reasons. The first is it is hard to argue about anything when I am looking in your eyes. The second is with the exception of Gangster Squad you seem to make any movie watchable and the third is the variety of roles you are capable of playing.

            In the four movies before Gangster Squad you played a man trying to hold together a struggling marriage (Blue Valentine 88% on Tomatometer), a nearly mute getaway driver (Drive 93%), a suave pick up artist (Crazy, Stupid, Love 78%) and an up and coming press secretary (Ides of March 85%). You were great in all of them. How you made Drive watchable and carried Steve Carrill through Crazy, Stupid, Love Bones will never know.

             Every role you take seems to be carefully made and your performances keep getting better. After his performance in Silver Linings Playbook Bradley Cooper seems to be your only real competition at this point. What’s that Ryan? Behind the Pines a movie in which you play a bank robber, Cooper plays a police officer and your real life girlfriend Eva Mendez plays your love interest comes out on March 29^th. Sweet Mercy.

Why can’t I walk?

Forever perfect,

Bob

            Bob I know you have used your mutant like resources to block out the playoff game you surely would have been victorious in if you were healthy. You see you were hurt to the point where you could barely walk but like any great competitor you vowed to stay in the game. The problem is you should have been taken out.

            Even at less than 50 percent you staked your team to a 14-0 lead. However, you were reinjured. The combination of the terrible field Dan Snyder allowed you to play on and the brain trauma your head coach has from excessive tanning resulted in disaster.  Any other franchise would have taken you out of the game when it was clear you could not run or plant to throw. However, you were drafted by the Redskins.

You hobbled around for another 2 quarters as the lead slowly evaporated. Your leg finally gave out at the start of the 4^th quarter. You are now nursing a second torn ACL, a torn LCL and a torn meniscus in your other knee that was used to repair the ACL. You will probably, you will probbb, you, you wont, its just not, its, you will never be the same Bob. Wahhhhh! You will never be the same!

Bones, what up? I shed the label of bust and we made the playoffs. I heard you were at Game 1 against the Yankees after watching Bob play the Falcons. You are the man! How is it possible for me to be jealous of you? Anyways, we have made no moves this offseason. How do you think we’re going to be this year?

Matt Wieters

Wieeeeeeeeeeeettttttteeeeeeeeeers! My man. Bones does not think you will be very good this year and he doesn’t even care. The magical ride you guys took me through last year was better than the time at Kings Dominion I rode the backwards rebel yell 18 times in a row. The fact that your team had a negative run differential the majority of the season and you made no improvements makes it likely the Buck truck will back its way into fourth place in the AL East. However, the memories from last year will get us through it! Orioles magic make it happen!