Bones
does not like the majority of the people he meets. He does not think this makes
him any different than the majority of the human race. Anyone who disagrees
with this statement please conduct the following exercise. Estimate how many
people you have had enough interaction with to form an opinion of. Now think
about how many people you would want to go on vacation with. Exactly.[1]
Every
person alive has annoying attributes. Some people hoard cats. Some people wear
clothes they should not. Some people complain they cannot lose weight while
eating a Big Mac. Some people talk incessantly about their kids, jobs or money.
Some people that live above you have OCD and vacuum and move furniture at
exactly 8:37 every morning. Some people lift up their shirt to look at their
abs at the gym. You get the point.
Bones is no different. He talks to much around
people he knows, not enough around people he doesn’t, plays the same song on
repeat for hours, loses his keys, loses his wallet, loses his cell phone, loses
his keys, wallet and cell phone at the same time. Looks in the mirror, flexes,
and yells “that’s what I’m talking about biotch” at they gym You get the point.
The
other day for reasons unknown Bones went to the food court in the mall. There
are roughly 200 people in a small area that are all displaying at least 10
annoying attributes at once.[2]That is
2,000 annoying attributes Bones has to ignore so he can focus and enjoy a bite
of his food without freaking out like his World of Warcraft account just got cancelled.
Bones would write a book that rivaled the Illiad
in length to list all the things
people do that annoy him.[3] Instead
he will save you some time and focus on the four most annoying things people
have said to him in the last week.
And you are? – This happened to Bones at a meeting for
work. He was standing next to a co-worker and a woman came up and introduced
herself to this co-worker. After they chatted for a few seconds the woman
turned to your loyal narrator and said, “And you are?”
This
struck Bones as incredibly rude. However, this is not what bothered him. He
simply had no idea how to respond. The responses that ran through his head were
a human, Caucasian, noble son of Ann and Pat of Lexington, hungry and enraged
you just said that to me. Alas all he could muster was, “John Brown ask me again and I’ll knock you down.”
It is what it is – How has a saying this useless been around
for so long. Bones will admit he actually likes something about the way people
say it but it literally means nothing. If Bones were to say, “I will never be
as good looking as Ryan Gosling but it is what it is.” That just means he will
never be as good looking as Ryan Gosling. If he were to say, “Someone slipped
something in my drink last night and I woke up playing a card game in Reno but
it is what it is.” That just means he got drugged and played some stud in Reno.
It changes nothing about the sentence or its meaning. However, people love
saying it. I guess it is what it is.
You can’t judge me – Actually Bones already did. When people say
this, rap this or get tattoos of this it implies they have some sort of control
over the rest of the human race.[4]
Instinctively the first reaction one human being has with another is judgment.
He seems like a great guy, she is attractive, he is ugly, why does he walk like
that?. Etc. It is simply the way things are. The sooner you except the sooner
you can change your tattoo to something like ONLY
GOD’S JUDGMENT MATTERS TO ME.
Not to be mean/Bless her heart – These two
prefaces to a comment are similar to it is what it is because they do change
the meaning of what is about to be said. Apparently saying this makes a person
feel better about the awful thing they are about to say because it is going
used quite often. If someone says, “bless her heart but she has slept with half
the town” they are still calling someone a slut. If a person says, “not to be
mean but she needs to exercise more” they are still calling someone fat. Not to
be mean but you are not fooling anyone.
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