-I awaken and put on my lucky exam outfit. The underrated look of birkenstocks,khaki shorts and dress socks really gets slept on these days. Wake up to the revolution, GQ. Put on my springsteen underpants and my bill Lambeer jersey and head for the door.
-The fresh air greets me like a kiss from my mother, I try to kiss back but fail to make things escalate between mother earth and I.
-I depart from my humble abode with an entire roll of hubba
bubba bubble tape in my mouth. To my tongues delight it is the “awesome
original” flavor. Awesome AND original?! How lucky am I!
-As I contemplate how fortunate I am to have something both
awesome and original in my mouth, I am briefly saddened at the thought of
leaving my porch momentarily.
-That melancholy state of mind is soon forgotten as I blow my first
fertile bubble of the day. With the diameter of a hub cab and the sexiness of a sweaty Marcin Gortat at a latin dance club, this bubble induced a sticky
smile.
-After a brisk jog to class, I arrive to the generous life science building moderately damp thanks to this beautiful 90
degree weather we are having.
-An older man graciously holds the door for me (the years
have been kind to him as he sports a full head of salt and pepper locks that
would make a just for men model fear for his job). He sports a backpack and I
kindly thank him with a smile, because Lord knows there is nothing I respect
more than a gorgeous middle aged man returning to school to explore his own
mind after facing the real world (beautiful) head on.
-As I enter the classroom my eyes are greeted with nervous
looking faces of all races and ethnicities ready to put feather to paper and
demonstrate their knowledge of the history of the great city of Richmond.
-My bubble filled hustle to class has afforded me several bounties. Foul
odor being one and the seat of my choice the other.
-I score a voluptuous seat in the back row, right where
daddy likes it.
- I stare at the clock and review my notes but unfortunately father time
continues to be a cruel lover and refuses to play favorites, causing the seconds
before my exam to evaporate much like the urine puddles on campus left over from
last nights festivities
- As I continue to gander at my notes,a large Caucasian man
sits in the seat on my right, sporting a sleevless camo shirt and the demeanor
of a fierce wooly mammoth.
- I contemplate attempting to engage him in conversation but
think better of it assuming he is of the vast majority of humans and members of the animal kingdom who do not want a key
to the gate of my personal playground.
- As reluctant as I am to give up my precious personal
space, I feel safe and protected by this truly great man, who reminds me of a rare
Davy Crockett, George Costanza hybrid.
- I silently hope to myself that Davy Costanza does not mind the
smell of a man who slept in the dumpster behind little Mexico last night.
- As I contemplate what exactly a hybrid of Boone and
Costanza would do for pleasure, I’m startled by my neighbors massive finger
tapping on my shoulder
- but I am both happy and relieved to accept the beef jerky my
new friend offers me.
-I put my beloved
hubba bubba aside for just a moment and take a bite of the forbidden caramel
that is the mammouths jerky.
-It tastes like bacon, albeit bittersweet bacon being that every bite was filled with the
thought of the friendship we could have harvested if only this moment had come
sooner in the semester.
- I force that bittersweet thought of scantily clad hunting
trips and bear back mountain lion riding with my beef jerky buddy out of my
head and succumb to father times pressure.
-Moments later a chiseled man in beats by dre headphones
sits next to me.
-I can hear his music through the headphones and thoroughly
enjoy Tupac Shakur’s 90s street anthem “My Block” , a far cry from the Mozart
power ballads that tend to fill my bathroom’s sound waves during my bubble
baths.
-I can make out the lyrics exceptionally well and realize he
must really be listening on a high volume level
- As I turn to inform my good fellow human of the harmful
effects of over indulging in exceptionally high decibel levels, I realize they
are in fact knock off headphones, sporting Derek Rose’s face on each ear piece!
-WHAT AN ITEM!!!!
-I slowly sadden at the thought of how good Derek Rose was
and am aroused at the memory of him dunking over Lebron James and providing
hope for an exciting eastern conference.
- My arousal turns to sadness (as it often does) as I
remember watching Rose missing countless free throws at Memphis and a much skinnier and
less hatable John Calipari pulling out his hair. I remember receiving detention
for watching that kansas-memphis national championship game in 8th grade because it was past curfew at a
strict, hell like, boarding school somewhere in the hills of Virginia.
-Father Time beckons once again as I glance at his hideous
face, he reminds me that it is 1:02
-My professor is running a tad late. He must have opted for
an additional pre-class cigarette, and I do not blame him!
-The students in front of me make a hopeful remark about the possibility of the proffesor not showing up at all. Ahh, I love their positive spirit but me and my best friend Davy Costanza are too seasoned, like the prime rib he will undoubtably enjoy tonight, to be so naive!
-The students in front of me make a hopeful remark about the possibility of the proffesor not showing up at all. Ahh, I love their positive spirit but me and my best friend Davy Costanza are too seasoned, like the prime rib he will undoubtably enjoy tonight, to be so naive!
-Thankful that Marlboro lights have seduced my professor for a short time,
once again I take a final gander at my notes as the honorable professor walks
in.
-He takes off his coon skin hat and brushes his mustache,
ready to give us the spanking we deserve.
-Another thought enters my head: Exams are a lot like
spankings.
- When I was little I would always take all my
clothes off in the sandbox and run around with a bucket on my head. Now when I
was very young, this was somewhat acceptable, but as I continued to do this
into high school and college my baby sitters would often spank me to remind me this was not
socially acceptable. I digress
-So exams are like spankings with warnings. You know your
professor is gonna spank you, but it is up to you to protect yourself. Studying
is like wearing padding. So last night, I was foolishly watching laguna beach instead of
preparing my padding. Instead of metaphorically putting on an adult diaper and
several layers of spongebob themed pajama pants to weaken the exam's blow, I was
enthralled with the image of Stephen from Laguna on a skim board deep in
thought, accompanied by a serenade from Dashboard Confessional.
-Stephen was no doubt contemplating his tough life which
includes (but is not limited to) a beach front mansion, choosing between jay
cutlers future wife (Jay gets what he needs, I digress within a digression) and
LC, the attractive girl who he screwed over bad enough for her to write a book
about it and become the rich spokeswoman for nice girls who get screwed over by guys
everywhere.
- The man with the headphones interrupts my hiatus of
thought passing me my exam, and I realize I have day dreamt through the
instructions. Classic.
- The next hour consists of me incoherently babbling into my
bluebook about the civil rights movement, why I drink so much milk on MLK day
every year, expressing my need for Thurgood Marshall's legal services if I
hope to beat the charges I accumulated last night while riding a German
shepherd like a horse in the left lain of main street (I guess my tags were expired).
-Finally I end by offering my condolences for my many unwelcome in class announcements about Joe
Biden’s personal habits, sensual dance moves and frowned upon white house "adventures" throughout the semester.
-I arose, blew one final bubble, offered my professor the
exam and paid homage to the great vince Vaughn, as I winked at the seasoned history master and assured him he offered a "great test".
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