Ah, it is almost the weekend and when you have a job as boring as Bones' there is no better feeling. However, before I can fully let the feeling of unequivocal bliss the weekend brings come over me I must do 2 things: Get something that has been driving me crazy lately off my chest and release the "Travis Henry Locks of the Week."
The aspect of society that bothers me this Friday afternoon is people that do not understand that their job is worthless and anyone could do it. "Well, Bones what the hell do you do that is so important?" Nothing, absolutely nothing. The difference between me and these self-worshipping laborers is I know that I can be replaced or simply eliminated without interrupting the flow of my workplace. It is employees who feel as if a multi-billion dollar franchise like McDonald's would go down the tubes if they quit that really irk your loyal narrator. These perpetrators can be easily spotted by the following common sayings which often set off ridiculous rants.
"There is just not enough time in the day" Everytime you hear a disgruntled employee utter this you know they have entirely too much. I dare say that there is not a person reading this. Wait, that was not supposed to be a complete thought. I dare say there is not a person reading this who has not heard this statement uttered in response to the question, "how do you like your job?"This person, who is ussually rocking a sweater vest and is shaped like Mr. Potato Head will respond, "I mean I love working at Pet Smart but there is just not enough time in the day. They expect me to clean the Hamster cages, feed the Iguanas and help customers locate items. I mean Helloooo? I do my best but if they don't change the way they run their stores they're gonna go down. I hate to say it but they're headed for trouble. You know you just can't run a business expecting someone to be a cage cleaner, Iguana feeder and item locater all in one. The only reason I'm still there is because every year you get an additional 3 percent off store items. I'm just to invested to get out now. You know." After a rant like this Bones ussually musters a "who knew" while plotting to poison this chief's next cocktail.
"Not for what they pay me" Everytime an unhappy worker says this people immediately know it is way to much. The rant ussually goes something like, "For what they pay me you would think I didn't even gradaute grade school and I'm lazy. I mean I got my GED and I'm only late to work on even days of the week. Always on time monday, wednesday, friday, ALWAYS! Man and I work like half the time I'm there, HALF THE TIME! How many people can say that, HOW MANY PEOPLE! But for what they pay me I'll probably just quit! I'LL PROBABLY JUST QUIT!
"If I left what would they do?" The answer to this is whatever they have been doing but more effeciently. This malcontent can ussually be overheard talking to a co-worker while you wait at a restaurant that is making a mockery of the term fast foot. "If I left what would they do? I mean seriously, what would they do. I'm the fastest worker they get, hands down, no question about it. You know it's true. I'm not knocking anybody else but I mean who is always putting the salt on the fries when Wendy forgets? Me, that's who! You know it's true. I mean it takes Phil 10 minutes to get a whopper ready. Ten minutes? Come on, man. In ten minutes I can take 2 orders, prepare 5 whoppers, 3 number 6's and salt the fries. And you know the number sixes ain't no joke. If I left what would they do. No one would ever get their food. You know it's true.
Travis Henry Locks of the Week YTD 22-21-2
Saturday
7:45 ESPN Maryland plus 1 vs. Florida State) This line is hard to understand. Maryland beat the supposed best team in the ACC last week while Florida State lost at home to Boston College. Again, in a conference where everyone is mediocre I will take the team getting points at home. Florida State's two starting safeties are also out, albeit for very different reasons. One is out after tearing his ACL celebrating an interception while the other, Myron Rolle, has an interview for a Rhodes scholarship. Bones imagines the conversation between Rolle and Bowden went something like this:
Rolle: Coach, uh, I came to talk to you to ask permission to miss the Boston College game. I have an interview for a Rhodes scholarship.
Bowden: What! What the hell are you talking about son? I've never heard of it.
Rolle: Coach it is a great honor to even be considered. They only give out 32 in the country, it's kinda a big deal.
Bowden: Daggumit, fine. But I'll tell you one thing my uncle worked on roads back in the 50s and he wasn't no kind of scholar.
Maryland 24, Florida State 20.
8 ABC Oklahoma -7 vs. Texas Tech) Oklahoma will cover for two reasons: Oklahoma is 50-2 in Norman under Bob Stoops and following the recent rash of pirate activity in Somalia has left Texas Tech Head Coach Mike Leach little time to prepare for this huge game. Oklahoma 45, Texas Tech 31.
Duke plus 17 at Virginia Tech
Nevada plus 6.5 vs. Boise State
Sundays)
1 CBS Ravens -1 vs. Eagles) Bones does not see a team that just played in one of the worst games in NFL history going into Baltimore and getting a win. However, if the game goes into overtime the Eagles would have a distinct advantage now that their quarterback knows that games can end in a tie. I mean what if that happened in the Super Bowl? You tell'em Donovan!
8:15 NBC Chargers -2.5 vs Colts) The most disturbing part about the end of last week's game was not the millions of dollars that switched hands but the fact that Norv Turner was arguing the call. The Chargers had already lost the game and their coach is arguing because he would rather lose by 1 point than 8. That simply does not make sense to Bones. That being said I still think the Colts are a fraud and the Chargers are good at home. Chargers 28, Colts 24.
8:30 ESPN Saints -2.5 vs. Packers) It is unbelivable how often NFL prognasticators change their mind. The Packers play one good game at home to even their record at 5-5 and now they are one of the best teams in the NFL? The Saints are 4-1 at home, have not played in New Orleans in 43 days and the Packers are 2-3 away from Wiscosin. Sounds like a Saints vitory to Bones. Saints 35, Packers 28.
The Redskins have looked awful the last couple weeks and it has cost them back to back home defeats. They now face a must win in a place that they never do. Hopefully, the Seahawks do not decide that want to start trying in Week 12. Good luck to everyone and I hope Tony Siragusa is not on the field for your team's game.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
That car right there is one helluva deal
ESPN broadcasted 24 straight hours of basketball yesterday in an attempt to let our football crazed country know that the season has indeed started. Upon hearing word of this event Bones contemplated skipping work, watching all 24 hours and satisfying even his most rabid of readers with a running commentary. I was going to let my boss know, that since my production comes nowhere close to outweighing what I cost the company in electricity, I felt the need to be a team player and take Tuesday off. Then I realized women's games would be part of the extravaganza. It pained me to let my readers down. However, I refuse to watch girls basketball unless Brittanny Jackson is given another year of eligibility or they decide to lower the rim a foot so everyone can touch the backboard. Even though I did not get to witness the all day affair it did make me realize that it was time for a Nostradamus like college basketball preview. So here our Bones' answers to the most pressing questions from the amateur basketball world.
Does Kansas have a shot at repeating as champions?
The answer to this question is obviously no. The reason is also obvious. They had six players drafted by the NBA (4 of which were not caught puff puff passing at the NBA's Rookie Transition Program with Michael Beasley). This team will have to cover up an obvious lack of talent, convince themselves they have something they don't and never admit defeat to even make the NCAA tournament. Essestially they must act like Bill Self's hair piece to have a decent season. Call me crazy but Bones does not think having to emulate a toupee is a blue print for success.
Is this the year Duke makes it back to the final four?
Another emphatic No. This team will post a very impressive record and probably finish second in the ACC. However, Gerald Henderson and Nolan Smith are still the team's only explosive players. Blue Devil contributors like Sheyer, Paulus and Singler are very talented but also are slow, weak and have been forced to hide from the sun their entire lives. No team that has that much in common with Bones will win 4 games in a tournament dominated by premier athletes.
Is their a more fun team to watch than Syracuse?
Not for Bones' money. This team is most likely headed for another underachieving season but that will not make their games any less fun to watch. For starters this team is talented. They have two future pros in Eric Devendorf and Johny Flynn to go along with physical specimens Paul Harris and Arinze Onuaku. They also play in a great gym and have a famous coach. However, the reason they are my favorite to watch is because their players act like they are clinically insane on the court. Onuaku screams after every basket, Harris looks and plays like a middle line backer, Devendorf acts as if he is possessed by demons whenever he scores and Flynn, in addition to being 5'10 and trying to dunk anytime he gets in the paint, does not stop talking the entire game. They say a great team takes on the personality of their coach. Unless Syracuse players start taking sedatives and watching "Curb Your Enthusiasm" marathons it looks like another NIT season for the Orange and Bones will be there for every minute of it.
Will UCLA make it a 4th straight Final Four?
I sure hope not. Bones would never knock a succesful coach like Ben Howlen but simply cannot bear to watch the Bruins come up short in a 55-49 Final 4 contest for a fourth straight year. Howlen preaches a tough, effective style of play. However, it is hard to believe they have not been more enertaining to watch with the all the great athletes they have had during their current run. Their style coupled with the departure of Kevin Love's immaculate chin strap has Bones rooting for an early Bruins exit.
Will UNC steam roll to a National Championship?
If Tyler Hansborough is healthy it is hard to fathom anyone beating the Tar Heels. Carolina posseses everything an elite team needs: A great point guard (Lawson), a scoring wing (Ellington), athletic, energetic freshman (Zeller, Davis) and an unstoppable inside force (Hansborough). Hopefully, UNC will win it all so Roy Williams can retire and perform the task he was put on this earth to fulfill. The man is undoubtedly a great coach but there is no denying he was created to own car dealerships. Please tell me Bones is not the only one who pictures him closing deals at Roy Williams Toyota everytime he flashes that salesman's smile, shakes the dangly gold bracelet back inside his suit and inexplicably looks at his watch like it knows something the Jumbotron doesn't.
Does Kansas have a shot at repeating as champions?
The answer to this question is obviously no. The reason is also obvious. They had six players drafted by the NBA (4 of which were not caught puff puff passing at the NBA's Rookie Transition Program with Michael Beasley). This team will have to cover up an obvious lack of talent, convince themselves they have something they don't and never admit defeat to even make the NCAA tournament. Essestially they must act like Bill Self's hair piece to have a decent season. Call me crazy but Bones does not think having to emulate a toupee is a blue print for success.
Is this the year Duke makes it back to the final four?
Another emphatic No. This team will post a very impressive record and probably finish second in the ACC. However, Gerald Henderson and Nolan Smith are still the team's only explosive players. Blue Devil contributors like Sheyer, Paulus and Singler are very talented but also are slow, weak and have been forced to hide from the sun their entire lives. No team that has that much in common with Bones will win 4 games in a tournament dominated by premier athletes.
Is their a more fun team to watch than Syracuse?
Not for Bones' money. This team is most likely headed for another underachieving season but that will not make their games any less fun to watch. For starters this team is talented. They have two future pros in Eric Devendorf and Johny Flynn to go along with physical specimens Paul Harris and Arinze Onuaku. They also play in a great gym and have a famous coach. However, the reason they are my favorite to watch is because their players act like they are clinically insane on the court. Onuaku screams after every basket, Harris looks and plays like a middle line backer, Devendorf acts as if he is possessed by demons whenever he scores and Flynn, in addition to being 5'10 and trying to dunk anytime he gets in the paint, does not stop talking the entire game. They say a great team takes on the personality of their coach. Unless Syracuse players start taking sedatives and watching "Curb Your Enthusiasm" marathons it looks like another NIT season for the Orange and Bones will be there for every minute of it.
Will UCLA make it a 4th straight Final Four?
I sure hope not. Bones would never knock a succesful coach like Ben Howlen but simply cannot bear to watch the Bruins come up short in a 55-49 Final 4 contest for a fourth straight year. Howlen preaches a tough, effective style of play. However, it is hard to believe they have not been more enertaining to watch with the all the great athletes they have had during their current run. Their style coupled with the departure of Kevin Love's immaculate chin strap has Bones rooting for an early Bruins exit.
Will UNC steam roll to a National Championship?
If Tyler Hansborough is healthy it is hard to fathom anyone beating the Tar Heels. Carolina posseses everything an elite team needs: A great point guard (Lawson), a scoring wing (Ellington), athletic, energetic freshman (Zeller, Davis) and an unstoppable inside force (Hansborough). Hopefully, UNC will win it all so Roy Williams can retire and perform the task he was put on this earth to fulfill. The man is undoubtedly a great coach but there is no denying he was created to own car dealerships. Please tell me Bones is not the only one who pictures him closing deals at Roy Williams Toyota everytime he flashes that salesman's smile, shakes the dangly gold bracelet back inside his suit and inexplicably looks at his watch like it knows something the Jumbotron doesn't.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Cooler than the other side of the pillow
The reasons Bones loves sports are plenty. Of course I love watching the best athletes in the world compete against each other for personal, professional and national pride and glory but it does not stop there. Bones is an astute man and enjoys the simple subtelties of competition as much as he enjoys watching LeBron James take off from the foul line. I enjoy the nuances like Tiger Wood's fist pump, Jason Campbell's mustache, the way NBA players strategically place tatoos and watching Maria Sharapova retrieve the ball for the second serve out of her skirt pocket. This being said there are certain aspects of sports that rub Bones the opposite direction. Atrocities that delve into his inner being and haunt his dreams. They are listed below in no particular order and I am not simply whining, I provide solutions. Like America, Bones has decided for better or worse he wants change and will not be content until someone erases these three blemishes that currently reside on the soul of the sporting world.
Stuart Scott: Once upon a time Stuart Scott was tolerable when he uttered fairly clever sayings like "he is as cool as the other side of the pillow" and took his medication. However, success and a lack of medicinal discipline has resulted in the man that currently stares and yells at us in the living room. Scott reminds me a lot of one of my roomates. They both routinely add words to their vocabulary and then use them completely out of context. The difference being my roommate gets his word of the day from Webster's while Scott takes them from urbandictionary.com. For an example, let's take Scott's usage of the word Podunkadunk. Urbandictionary.com describes a podunkadunk as, "a nice ass, or a big ass. Preferably a nice big ass." During highlights of a dunk by Tracy McGrady he can be heard screaming frantically, "T-Mac just getting silly wit it driving the line and finishing wit a Podunkadunk that he dedicated to Pookie and them." So what our boy Stu is really saying is that T-Mac finished with a nice, big ass that he dedicated to Pookie. My resolution to this problem is to dress Mr. Scott in FUBU gear and make him be the guy with the microphone during a Rucker Park game. If he doesn't have his life threatened by halftime he can stay on TV.
The practice of baseball managers wearing uniforms: If you don't think this is proposterous imagine Jeff Van Gundy in a headband, jersey and baggy shorts. The way to fix this ridiculous practice is to make managers participate in the game as if it was the Little League World Series. They can still wear uniforms but have to play a half inning on defense, pinch hit or pinch run. How much more interesting with the sport be if you got to watch Lou Piniella execute a suicide squeeze or Charlie Manual break up a double play?
The End of NBA games: The last two minutes of a close NBA game are like a drunken speech at the end of a family gathering. They both last entirely to long and make the people in attendence forget how much fun they had the first two hours of the event. Last week I watched the Blazers defeat the Rockets on a game winning Brandon Roy three. The only problem was Roy had already hit what should have been a game-winner with 1.8 seconds left only to have the Rockets call time-out, get the ball on the other side of the court and hit what should have been another game winner with .7 seconds left. While the 1.8 seconds of actual action was riveting the 20 minutes inbetween was not. Not only do teams call time outs to move the ball but the opposing team often follows with a time out after the see how the other team is setting up. This time out is often followed by an intentional delay of game. All of this wasted time inevitably results in an isolation for the offensive team's best player who dribbles around until there is less than a second left and takes an off balance fade away. My resolution to this is to give each team one time out in the last two minutes. Those in opposition will be forced to watch Dick Bavetta and Charles Barkley re-enact their epic race in the nude.
Abridged "Travis Henry Locks of the Week" YTD 17-16-1 so flip a coin
Stuart Scott: Once upon a time Stuart Scott was tolerable when he uttered fairly clever sayings like "he is as cool as the other side of the pillow" and took his medication. However, success and a lack of medicinal discipline has resulted in the man that currently stares and yells at us in the living room. Scott reminds me a lot of one of my roomates. They both routinely add words to their vocabulary and then use them completely out of context. The difference being my roommate gets his word of the day from Webster's while Scott takes them from urbandictionary.com. For an example, let's take Scott's usage of the word Podunkadunk. Urbandictionary.com describes a podunkadunk as, "a nice ass, or a big ass. Preferably a nice big ass." During highlights of a dunk by Tracy McGrady he can be heard screaming frantically, "T-Mac just getting silly wit it driving the line and finishing wit a Podunkadunk that he dedicated to Pookie and them." So what our boy Stu is really saying is that T-Mac finished with a nice, big ass that he dedicated to Pookie. My resolution to this problem is to dress Mr. Scott in FUBU gear and make him be the guy with the microphone during a Rucker Park game. If he doesn't have his life threatened by halftime he can stay on TV.
The practice of baseball managers wearing uniforms: If you don't think this is proposterous imagine Jeff Van Gundy in a headband, jersey and baggy shorts. The way to fix this ridiculous practice is to make managers participate in the game as if it was the Little League World Series. They can still wear uniforms but have to play a half inning on defense, pinch hit or pinch run. How much more interesting with the sport be if you got to watch Lou Piniella execute a suicide squeeze or Charlie Manual break up a double play?
The End of NBA games: The last two minutes of a close NBA game are like a drunken speech at the end of a family gathering. They both last entirely to long and make the people in attendence forget how much fun they had the first two hours of the event. Last week I watched the Blazers defeat the Rockets on a game winning Brandon Roy three. The only problem was Roy had already hit what should have been a game-winner with 1.8 seconds left only to have the Rockets call time-out, get the ball on the other side of the court and hit what should have been another game winner with .7 seconds left. While the 1.8 seconds of actual action was riveting the 20 minutes inbetween was not. Not only do teams call time outs to move the ball but the opposing team often follows with a time out after the see how the other team is setting up. This time out is often followed by an intentional delay of game. All of this wasted time inevitably results in an isolation for the offensive team's best player who dribbles around until there is less than a second left and takes an off balance fade away. My resolution to this is to give each team one time out in the last two minutes. Those in opposition will be forced to watch Dick Bavetta and Charles Barkley re-enact their epic race in the nude.
Abridged "Travis Henry Locks of the Week" YTD 17-16-1 so flip a coin
Saturday:
12) Illinois plus 9.5 vs. Ohio State on ESPN) The Illini's quarterback's name is Juice, they wear orange and their coach looks like he could fit the physchotic doctor roll on any Soap Opera. Lock it up. Ohio State 21, Illinois 13.
12) Notre Dame -3.5 vs. Navy Notre Dame Broadcasting Channel) Charlie Weiss means business this week. Ask the breakfast buffet at Shoney's how that ussually turns out. Notre Dame 31, Navy 13.
3:30) South Carolina plus 22.5 at da Swamp) Florida can't cover every week can they? Florida 35, South Carolina 14.
3:30) Maryland plus 3 vs UNC) The "good" teams in the ACC are all painfully mediocre so I will take the one getting points at home. Is it just me or does Ralph Friedgen bare a striking resemblance to the character on Mike Tyson's Punch Out whose pants fell down when you hit him?
Sunday:
Cinci plus 9.5 vs. Philly
Seattle plus 3 vs. Zona
Friday, November 7, 2008
Call me Brad Pitt
Bones may not be a millionare, global icon or date famous people but I do have 2 things in common with the man that will be on display this weekend: Breathtaking abs and the ability to rebound. While the first one concerns only my female readers the second is important to everyone. Anyone who has gone through a break up knows the importance of the first time you see your ex with another person. From a man's perspective if you are with a dime and your ex is with a guy possesing the body of John Belushi in Animal House you feel vindicated. On the opposite end of the spectrum if you have been fixed up with a girl who "has a great personality" and your ex is with a tall, dark, salsa dancing Spaniard named Ramon you might not sleep for a month. Luckily for celebrities their first post break up meeting is conducted on the cover of US weekly for all to see. Can you imagine the reaction of Rachel from Friends when she saw her former husband with Angelina Jolie. She probably muttered something like "I don't care if the loser wants to date that freak," on her way to the bathroom where she threw up more violently than the puppet in Team America. Conversely, the first time Joe Black saw Jen and Vince Vaughn together he probably chuckled and quoted Jay-Z, "you can't upgrade No. 1 B." After getting dumped by a 1-4 last week "The Travis Henry Locks" will deliver a circa 2004 Ben Wallace rebound at his readers feet.
YTD record 14-13-1 (so flip a coin)
Saturday
Penn State -7.5 at Iowa 3:30 ABC) Can a team really be suprised in a trap game when people have been saying the entire week they will be suprised in a trap game? Why do people act like college athletes are like members of the Dharma Initiative and are completely cut off from society except for Saturdays. Every Nittany Lion has access to cable television and there are probably articles plastered all over the Penn State locker room warning them not to let the prognasticators be right. If on the way to your first meeting with your girlfriend's parents she tells you her dad is a little over protective aren't you better prepared when he greets you at the door cleaning his gun and asks what your intentions with his daughter are? I know Joe Pa and Bones would be. Plus, Iowa is awful. Penn State 31, Iowa 17.
Vandy plus 24.5 vs. Florida 8 the deuce) Bones knows he was somehow able to correctly predict Vanderbelt was overrated early in the season and not make a dime off it. He also knows he was wrong about the Gators the last 2 weeks and Vandy has lost 3 in a row. In spite of this plethora of knowledge I still believe the Commodores will keep it close. Take the well coached, rested home team over a Gators team who is still taking aspirin the week after the world's biggest cocktail party. Florida 38, Vandy 14.
Cal plus 22 at USC 8 ABC) This line started at 17 and jumped to 22. Why? The Golden Bears only bad loss of the year is at Arizona in a game which they led by 10 at half and then had an atrocious 3rd quarter. In addition USC almost never covers in conference. People who argue the Trojans need to pour it on to impress the BCS need look no furthur then there 7 point victory at Arizona 2 weeks ago. Were they not trying to pour it on then? Even though Pete Carroll would be the best Uncle ever I have to take the Golden Bears. USC 35, Cal 17.
Locks the dont need write ups)
Wake -3.5 vs Virginia 3:30
Arkansas plus 13 at South Carolina
Nebraska -1.5 vs. Kansas
Sunday)
Texans plus 1 vs. Ravens CBS) This game reminds me a lot of when 80 percent of the public was on the Colts in Houston. Remember the Texans were leading 27-10 and Sage Rosenfels decided he wanted to know what it felt like to be a helicopter propeller. This time I believe Sage will slide instead of letting Ed Reed and Ray Lewis sacrifice his body to appease the gods. Texans 21, Ravens 17.
Redskins have a bye week before a game of unparralelled proportions against the Cowboys. Good luck this weekend and I hope Tony Siragusa is not on the field for your teams' game.
YTD record 14-13-1 (so flip a coin)
Saturday
Penn State -7.5 at Iowa 3:30 ABC) Can a team really be suprised in a trap game when people have been saying the entire week they will be suprised in a trap game? Why do people act like college athletes are like members of the Dharma Initiative and are completely cut off from society except for Saturdays. Every Nittany Lion has access to cable television and there are probably articles plastered all over the Penn State locker room warning them not to let the prognasticators be right. If on the way to your first meeting with your girlfriend's parents she tells you her dad is a little over protective aren't you better prepared when he greets you at the door cleaning his gun and asks what your intentions with his daughter are? I know Joe Pa and Bones would be. Plus, Iowa is awful. Penn State 31, Iowa 17.
Vandy plus 24.5 vs. Florida 8 the deuce) Bones knows he was somehow able to correctly predict Vanderbelt was overrated early in the season and not make a dime off it. He also knows he was wrong about the Gators the last 2 weeks and Vandy has lost 3 in a row. In spite of this plethora of knowledge I still believe the Commodores will keep it close. Take the well coached, rested home team over a Gators team who is still taking aspirin the week after the world's biggest cocktail party. Florida 38, Vandy 14.
Cal plus 22 at USC 8 ABC) This line started at 17 and jumped to 22. Why? The Golden Bears only bad loss of the year is at Arizona in a game which they led by 10 at half and then had an atrocious 3rd quarter. In addition USC almost never covers in conference. People who argue the Trojans need to pour it on to impress the BCS need look no furthur then there 7 point victory at Arizona 2 weeks ago. Were they not trying to pour it on then? Even though Pete Carroll would be the best Uncle ever I have to take the Golden Bears. USC 35, Cal 17.
Locks the dont need write ups)
Wake -3.5 vs Virginia 3:30
Arkansas plus 13 at South Carolina
Nebraska -1.5 vs. Kansas
Sunday)
Texans plus 1 vs. Ravens CBS) This game reminds me a lot of when 80 percent of the public was on the Colts in Houston. Remember the Texans were leading 27-10 and Sage Rosenfels decided he wanted to know what it felt like to be a helicopter propeller. This time I believe Sage will slide instead of letting Ed Reed and Ray Lewis sacrifice his body to appease the gods. Texans 21, Ravens 17.
Redskins have a bye week before a game of unparralelled proportions against the Cowboys. Good luck this weekend and I hope Tony Siragusa is not on the field for your teams' game.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Say it ain't So Joe D
Bones stumbles into the blagosphere feeling like John Daly the morning after pulling an all-nighter at Hooters. I cannot remember a three day period in my young sports life where more punishment was endured. It would be easier not to pour rubbing alcohol on these still fresh wounds by talking about them but I cannot rob the readers of what is rightfully theres. So, while squeezing the hand of the nurse who has been nurturing me back to good health the past two days I present to you; "Beaten, Battered, Blindsided but Blinged out" a weekend in the life of Bones.
(Beaten) : Our young, handsome, charming, chiseled, daring (aight aight sorry) protagonist entered the weekend having claimed that he loved his college football picks and would make his readers enough money to move out of their parents' basement. Alas, it wasn't to be. On Saturday the genius of Tom Sellick overshadowed the diversion of Charlie Weiss' waistline, the voice of Ray Charles was nowhere to be heard and Colt McCoy was outplayed in one of the best college games I can remember. A Sunday split left Bones' picks at 1-4 and left his readers eating Mom's meatloaf for at least another week.
(Blindsided): On Monday morning I recieved 3 texts in a 5 minute span informing me of the regrettable news that AI was headed to Detroit for Chauncey Billups. This meant my favorite player of all time, in any sport, was no longer a Piston. It is a combination of things that caused my adoration of Billups. I loved Billups so much my friends even called me Chauncey and Gillups at times. Chauncey was my favorite player for what he did to help the Pistons win: played unselfishly, got to the line, locked down the other team's point guard, capped off rallies with backbreaking 3s and took over games in the 4th quarter and for how he was able to pull off being the definition of cool every second he was on the court without ever being lazy. He never broke a sweat, was the last person off the court after every timeout (during 20 second t.o.'s he never reached the huddle), let opposing players know exactly where the party was immediately after games, didn't follow through or jump on 3's and was already dapping up Sheed and Big Ben before his foul shots scorched the bottom of the net. Joe D had promised change but I did not see this coming. This probably is a good move for the franchise because of the cap money it will free up after the season. The contracts of AI and Sheed expire after this year giving Joe D a shot at landing one of the stars in the summer of 2010's outstanding class. However, I selfishly would rather watch Mr. Big Shot for another 3 years than get a championship with Chris Bosh down the road. My Billups authentic was on e-bay, 100 kleenexes had met their demise and my love of the NBA had been tested as I sat down to watch the Redskins on Monday Night.
(Battered): Bones stumbled through a dreary fog after hearing the news of Mr. Big Shot' s departure for most of Monday but the day could be saved! The Redskins were playing on Monday Night Football with a chance to be 7-2 heading into the bye week. Washington took an early 6-0 lead and visions of Chauncey in a Nuggets jersey had all but disapeared. I was in such a good mood that when Tony Kornheiser said, " If Mitch Berger was a horse and had four legs 2 bad hamstrings would not be that big of deal" I did not even punch myself in the face. However, from that point on the Steelers manhandled the Skins and my sports weekend from down under was complete. Stick to PTI Mr. T!
(Blinged Out): The one positive of the weekend was that Bones and his boys managed to win the first annual pimp cup challenge. How I went 0-3 in the "Travis Henry Locks" and we went 5-2 in the challenge I will never know. What I do know is that we sent Team Boston home with a pint of clam chowder and heavy dose of humility. So while my readers went broke, my favorite player got traded and the Skins were humbled, I will soon be yelling What? OK! and drinking crunk juice from an $100 Lil John special.
Congratulations to Coach Mike Rhoades and the Division III Randolph-Macon Yellow Jackets who went into the Patriot center and shocked 2006 Final Four participant George Mason tonight 73-72. The game was an exhibition but Mason played their top 8 the entire way and Jim Larranaga stated after the game that he simply had no answer for the in game wizadry of Coach Rhoades.
(Beaten) : Our young, handsome, charming, chiseled, daring (aight aight sorry) protagonist entered the weekend having claimed that he loved his college football picks and would make his readers enough money to move out of their parents' basement. Alas, it wasn't to be. On Saturday the genius of Tom Sellick overshadowed the diversion of Charlie Weiss' waistline, the voice of Ray Charles was nowhere to be heard and Colt McCoy was outplayed in one of the best college games I can remember. A Sunday split left Bones' picks at 1-4 and left his readers eating Mom's meatloaf for at least another week.
(Blindsided): On Monday morning I recieved 3 texts in a 5 minute span informing me of the regrettable news that AI was headed to Detroit for Chauncey Billups. This meant my favorite player of all time, in any sport, was no longer a Piston. It is a combination of things that caused my adoration of Billups. I loved Billups so much my friends even called me Chauncey and Gillups at times. Chauncey was my favorite player for what he did to help the Pistons win: played unselfishly, got to the line, locked down the other team's point guard, capped off rallies with backbreaking 3s and took over games in the 4th quarter and for how he was able to pull off being the definition of cool every second he was on the court without ever being lazy. He never broke a sweat, was the last person off the court after every timeout (during 20 second t.o.'s he never reached the huddle), let opposing players know exactly where the party was immediately after games, didn't follow through or jump on 3's and was already dapping up Sheed and Big Ben before his foul shots scorched the bottom of the net. Joe D had promised change but I did not see this coming. This probably is a good move for the franchise because of the cap money it will free up after the season. The contracts of AI and Sheed expire after this year giving Joe D a shot at landing one of the stars in the summer of 2010's outstanding class. However, I selfishly would rather watch Mr. Big Shot for another 3 years than get a championship with Chris Bosh down the road. My Billups authentic was on e-bay, 100 kleenexes had met their demise and my love of the NBA had been tested as I sat down to watch the Redskins on Monday Night.
(Battered): Bones stumbled through a dreary fog after hearing the news of Mr. Big Shot' s departure for most of Monday but the day could be saved! The Redskins were playing on Monday Night Football with a chance to be 7-2 heading into the bye week. Washington took an early 6-0 lead and visions of Chauncey in a Nuggets jersey had all but disapeared. I was in such a good mood that when Tony Kornheiser said, " If Mitch Berger was a horse and had four legs 2 bad hamstrings would not be that big of deal" I did not even punch myself in the face. However, from that point on the Steelers manhandled the Skins and my sports weekend from down under was complete. Stick to PTI Mr. T!
(Blinged Out): The one positive of the weekend was that Bones and his boys managed to win the first annual pimp cup challenge. How I went 0-3 in the "Travis Henry Locks" and we went 5-2 in the challenge I will never know. What I do know is that we sent Team Boston home with a pint of clam chowder and heavy dose of humility. So while my readers went broke, my favorite player got traded and the Skins were humbled, I will soon be yelling What? OK! and drinking crunk juice from an $100 Lil John special.
Congratulations to Coach Mike Rhoades and the Division III Randolph-Macon Yellow Jackets who went into the Patriot center and shocked 2006 Final Four participant George Mason tonight 73-72. The game was an exhibition but Mason played their top 8 the entire way and Jim Larranaga stated after the game that he simply had no answer for the in game wizadry of Coach Rhoades.
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