Bones Comes Clean

While watching the Alex Rodriguez interview and subsequent fallout Bones came to three conclusions: The shots A-Rod was taking were more likely estrogen than steroids, his PR people are worse than Terrell Owens' and it is times for Bones to get something off of his chest. Yes, my loyal readers, Bones did juice for a short time of his blogging career. However, unlike Rodriguez, I was not ratted out but simply felt it was time to be honest with both myself and my readers. Bones hopes you can somehow find it in your heart to forgive him for his transgressions and the plethora of sports cliches he used in the following interview with ESPN's Dick Vitale.

Dickie V: Bones baby, let me first say I love your work, I mean, I absolutely love your work, phenomenol. You are a diaper dandy, a real PTPer! I could see that the first time I read you and I only have one good eye! So tell me. When did you start using and how long did it last?

Bones: Well, Thanks Dick. You know, I only did it a couple of times, mostly on accident. It started right before I wrote Cooler than the other side of the pillow and I had my lost shot during 8 hours with Bones. I was young and stupid and immature and selfish and wasn't thinking clearly.

Dickie V: But Why Bones? Why? You know steroids is the only thing in the entire world that isn't Awesome with a capital A. I would't even use them if it could make my hair look like Jay Wright's baby!

Bones: You know Dick, I just felt like my key striking was not what it had been, you know my adjectives were losing some power but you know I definitely didn't need it. It wasn't about the money. I was just trying to help my readers. You know, I couldn't even tell you what it was to be completely honest. My cousin told me it would help me grow facial hair. You know, I am 25 and I have never had to shave and that's tough. You know, come to find out it the substance had been banned by International Bloggers Association (IBL). Looking back, I should have done more research and known what I was putting into my body but that't that way it goes sometimes.

Dickie V: Ah Bones but why baby? Why did you do it?

Bones: Are you kidding? I just answered that.

Dickie V: Ok, but how could you not think about Coach K and Wojo and all the little Dukies and Cameron Crazies when you did it?

Bones: Is that a serious question? Why would I be thinking about that?

Dickie V: No need to be rude baby! You need to attack everyday like me and my man Coack K do! You have to display great passion and intensity! Aren't you worried about what this will do to your legacy? You did some of your best work while using performance enhancers. You could have been the Robert Montgomerie Knight of bloggers!

Bones: You know Dick, I just have to get the truth out there and let the chips fall where they may. I'll let people come to their own conclusions about which blogs should count towards the Hall of Fame. It's in the voters hands. Everyone knows that I am clean now, so I hope if I can continue to produce people will come around. You know, it is what it is.

Dickie V: Bones, Bones, Bones! You're breaking my heart! What made you decide to stop? When did you reach the point where you decided to be awesome again and start to play with honor and integrity like Mr. Battier did on Coach K court?

Bones: You know I stopped once after You know it's true but then I found out I had carpel tunnel and you know, the stuff is supposed to help your recovery time. You know, I don't think it really did anything but that's what I'm told it does. Then, I wrote 8 hours with Bones and I hit a couple keys so hard they got jammed and I tweaked my wrist in a real freak injury. Right when I hit the submit entry I made a pact with myself that I would never use again.

Dickie V:With all the nicknames that have been given to users out there, you know, guys like Barroid Bonds, A-Roid, Roider Clemens and Rafael Palmeroid are you concerned at all about contracting a damaging nickname?

Bones: What the hell kind of nickname could they come up with for Bones?

Dickie V: ...If I didn't have to talk incesintly I'd be speechless baby! I really don't know. As fas as I'm concerned no one has ever done anything wrong in their lives and that includes you baby! I'd like to thank you for showing great honor, integrity, passion, awareness and coachability during the interview. You were extremely coachable! Now let's go to Hooters with beautiful wife, family, grandkids and all of Krzyzewskiville baby! Up, up and away!

Bones Ponders Life

For the first time in his illustrious career Bones has no idea what he is going to write in this entry. I am just going to act as one does in front of the mirror when they are sure no one is watching. The only difference being millions will observe my actions, but I simply do not care anymore. As I have stated we should all refuse to live our lives based on the rigid restrictions "The Man" tries to place on our genius. The following are just things that are have previously or are currently popping into my perplexed, complicated but strikingly astute and unique mind. It may be about sports, it may be about life, or it may be written in tounges. This may be the end of Bones career or it may be the beginning of a legend. Proceed with caution.

I think Larry Hughes looks exactly like Pluto and has gotten so many tatoos in hopes that no one notices...How long is dippin dots going to be the ice cream of the future?...Why does every generation look down on the generation that comes after them?...Why would Carmen Electra marry Dennis Rodman?...Does the guy who wears long sleeves for Oklahoma have bionic arms?...If David Stern can make his players wear suits, why can he not force the best players to be in the dunk contest?...When the WNBA said they had next, what exactly did they mean?...Where is Kevin Pittsnogle?...What happened to all the VCRs?...Were the employees at blockbuster who were in charge of rewinding tapes allowed to take another position with the company or just terminated? How did this affect the economy?...I used to cry everytime Duke lost and now I do not even root for them...If I was in a soap opera I would want my name to be Fletcher Mosely, I would want my love interest to be named Herball Essence and I would want the show to be entitled, "Floating in the abyss."...I do not understand autographs or collectors items for people over the age of 14...Is the question of does a bear dispose of his waste in the woods the best we as Americans could do when thinking of something that was obvious?...Why do obese people order diet cokes with super sized value meals?...Why do people where shirts that imply they have voices in their head telling them to do strange things?...How is Ben from LOST not popping up in every horror movie that is currently made?... Is the fact that teenagers are always engaging in premarital sex or smoking marijuana before they are killed in horror movies imply that they deserve to be savagely murdered by a masked stranger with a chainsaw?...When people say "I could care less" doesn't that imply that they care?...Why can't you ride your bike through the drive through?...I want to meet and have a conversation with someone who likes Rosie O'Donnell...Why when college kids get summer jobs and do not instictively know how do a task do workers mutter to themselves, I guess they don't teach common sense in college?...How was Carson Daly ever famous?...I refuse to accept Seacrest out as the new Casey Casum...I never liked the request and dedication segment of America's top 40...Isn't Dick Vitale being in a Hooters commercial a little strange?...I often wonder if there is anything about men that women truly like...I sometimes wish I was Rafael Nadal...I have never seen an Applebees that is in a neighborhood, in fact they are ussually strategically placed right next to highway exits...When trying to explain to a woman that Angelina Jolie is not prettier than Jennifer Anniston but is hotter tell them to compare Zac Efron and Antonio Banderas...I think it is only excusable to be a male cheerleader in the Pac 10...Why are all of USC quarterbacks so good looking...I find Serena Williams attractive...When I was a young child I had a massive crush on Jennifer Capriati and when she got busted for pot I sought therapy...When she came back with 50 pounds of adding muscle it reopened old wounds...I saw Stacy Augmon and Dikembe Mutombo naked when I was 10 and thought there was something wrong with me until I saw a fellow caucasian naked...Why do people in Philly act as if Rocky is a real person?...I often wonder what Jim Zorn is doing at random times during the day...I think Maria Sharapova is overrated...My little brother has a double earlobe and I am sometimes jealous...I once started the dryer while my little brother was inside of it...I have pondered legally changing my name to Bones...

All Star Break

Bones apologizes for the long hiatus but in case you didn't know the first two weeks of February constitute the All-Star break for bloggers. The festivities coincided with the Star Wars convention in Vegas and Bones came home garnishing a Poster signed by Darth Vader, the MVP trophy and his winnings from a 21 team, 7 sports, 5 day long parlay. Bones will know give you a second to soak in the vast improvements he made to the blog over the break and a second is all you need to realize there are none. However, Bones did reread, critique and disect every word of all 33 magical entries and he came to three conclusions. Writing the blog at work led to far too many aggregious grammatical errors, none of the last ten entries had anything to do with sports and the fact that grillenwitgill is not world reknown is hard to believe. I apologize for conclusion 1, will address conclusion 2during this entry and urge my loyal readers to take care of conclusion 3. Make the internet a better place by forwarding http://www.grillenwitgill.blogspot.com/ to anyone and everyone so that in 10 years you can tell people, "I was with Bones back before he sold out." Letting this haven of hilarity rot would result in Bones' brilliance only being appreciated posthumonously as if he was a 16th century artist.

As Bones has previously stated, he loves the NBA. I have spent an inordinate amount of time watching games, doing research and following every bounce of the ball on ESPN gamecast during the first half of the season. For those who have yet to discover the meaing of life and have not done the same I begrudgingly present a list of what you have missed thus far. I do not need to state that the Spurs have another run in them, that Elton Brand was not a good signing for the Sixers, that the Knicks might make the playoffs and LeBron will win the MVP because I already did so in my Nostradamus like NBA preview.

1) Adam Morrison and Robert Swift have the worst cbssportsline pictures of all time and desperately need to form a band featuring Chris Kaman as the front man. The trio would undoubtedly need to be called Army of Satan or Black Rotting Death.

2) Juwan Howard is still in the NBA...true story.

3) The Iverson Trade ruined the Pistons - If the citizens of Detroit did not have far more important matters to attend to Joe D would be nervous about his well-being right now.

4) The Nuggets still posess the most tatted up team in the NBA - This is impressive considering they lost both Iverson and Marcus Camby this year. This is made possible by adding Chris Anderson and still having J.R. Smith, Anthony Carter, Dohntay Jones and Kenyon Martin. Bones' dream is for Denver to deal Linas Kleiza and Johan Petro to Chicago for Larry Hughes and Tyrus Thomas.

5) The Jazz are the biggest potential playoff suprise - Carlos Boozer and his 1o AM shadow are not far from returning from injury. A healthy Boozer coupled with one of the best point guards in the league (Deron Williams), and one of the best coaches (Jerry Sloan) and they have a shot at the conference finals no matter their seed. In addition they have the potential to have 4.5 white people or more than any team in the playoffs since the 1960s. The line up of Deron Williams, Kyle Korver, Andrei Kirilenko, Matt Harpring and Mehmet Okur would leave fans thinking they somehow got ESPN classic for free and lead to a reverse remake of Glory Road.

6) Steve Kerr destroyed the Suns- I would love to sit Mr. Kerr and Mr. Dumars down in a room and ask them what is wrong with winning 50 plus games every year and making the conference finals. After the Shaq trade Kerr said that if the Diesel could return to All-Star form the deal would result in the Suns being contenders for the championship. Bones has two problems with that statement. They were a Roberty Horry hip check away from making the finals 2 years ago and Shaq just made the All-Star team and the Suns are currently 9th in the West. Bones envisions Nash going to the Big Apple in 2010 where he will be reunited with D'Antoni and LeBron James to form the funnest team to watch in sports history.