Belts are to keep your pants up

In his short but prestigious 2 year career as a blogger Bones has staged more retirements (but been arrested less and made fewer disparaging remarks about Philipinos) than Floyd Mayweather Jr. However, like money May the promise of a huge payday always brings him back. But while times are hard for the champ Bones has never been happier. His Redskins look legit (even though they folded like Phil Helmuth when he ran into Bones at the Riviera this summer on Sunday), Buck Showalter has the Os showing signs of life (even though they’re still over 30 games out of first place and most teams have stopped trying) and Bones has been promised a book deal (my mom told me if I wrote a book not only would she read it but she would take it to kinko’s make 20 copies and distribute it at her Bible study...now that’s a deal). Ok, so really nothing has changed. In spite of this Bones felt it was right to come back for another season. Somehow the blog counter has continued it’s meteoric rise toward 2,000 (I promised Little Orphan Danny if the counter passes the current year I will stop telling the story about the time he fell over naked in a hamper when he was a young child, a bulls eye was painted on his hind parts and all 7 of his family members took turns shooting blunted arrows at the target with Mountain Man’s bow and arrow) and I cannot continue to let my fans down. Bones will admit this was the hardest decision on what to write about he has ever made. No one cares about baseball until the playoffs, everyone has already read thousands of articles about everything going on in the NFL and until Melo gets traded the NBA is devoid of story lines until the season starts. So Bones went back to the one piece of advice he remembers from the one writing class he took in college (he also remembers Darla Davies, olive skin, long black hair, front left of the room, came straight from the gym in stretch pants everyday). For his first assignment in this class your not so loyal narrator turned in a short story about a popular athlete, who got lots of girls, was the life of the party and had tons of money but realized he would never be happy unless he pursued his lifelong dream of being a stable boy in Louisville, Kentucky. My professor stood my up in front of the entire class and said the following, “Bones this was a terrible story. You have to write about what you know about. You’re not a good athlete, I never see you with any girls around campus, you check the coin return in drink machines when you walk by and your awkwardly shy. Besides looking a little like a horse you have absolutely nothing in common with the story you wrote. Write what you know son. Write what you know.” Since that moment I have written about things I know and tried not the nay in public. And what Bones knows is that people do really weird things that are easy to make fun of. Bones also knows that a small group of people enjoy reading about these absurdities so listed below is the absurdity that bothered your galloping narrator the most this summer.

The water bottle belt - In the great city of Richmond, Va there is a majestic two-lane cobblestone dream located in the historic fan district known as monument avenue. This gem of a transport is lined with historic houses, dogwood trees and statues of members of the losing side in the Civil War. (There is also a hideous statue of Arthur Ashe, in which he appears to be beating frightened children with a tennis racket and books. Richmond claiming Ashe as a modern son when they refused to let him play of public tennis courts because of race is bad enough but placing him on a street lined with Civil War heroes is downright atrocious.) Anyways, it is still a nice street and was most voted one of the ten most beautiful in the nation. Not including the statues there is only one sight that can ruin the daydreams Bones has while cruising the avenue about driving a Model T,rocking a hat like Noah from The Notebook (random tangent about the Notebook. It was on tv the other night and three of my male friends and I watched it instead of thursday night football. Watched the whole thing and I'm not scared to admit it. It's simply a fantastic movie. However, there is one fatal and sexist flaw. What about ROWER?, yes that is how you spell it. He does nothing but give his heart to the woman of his dreams and she turns around and sleeps with her high school sweetheart when they're about to married. Then this saint of a man tells her he still wants to spend forever with her and she rejects him. If Allie and Rower switched genders every woman who had ever seen that movie would call him a selfish, womanizing pig. Instead they all cry tears of joy because Allie got what she wanted. I hope Rower haunts your dream Allie. I HOPE HE HAUNTS YOUR DREAMS!) and listening to the jazz they listen to in every movie during prohibition. What kills this beautiful avenue for Bones is the bevy of joggers who inhabit its sidewalks and medians. It is disconcerting to see someone who has obviously never played a sport flail their limbs about like Jappetto is controlling their every movement while exhibiting a face that can only be cured by Keystone Light (first bitter beer face, now hKeith Stone, subpar beer, phenomenal marketing. Come to think of it I might start calling Jeremy Shockey Keystone Light. He hasn’t been an elite tight end in years but because of a phenomenal marketing team is able to score k-swiss ads with Kenny Powers and trick people into thinking he’s still good) Bones could stomach these feet draggers and fist flailers ruining his escapes to the days of honest mechanics and classy mustaches until a recent influx of an atrocity known as the water bottle belts. These modern marvels are exactly what they sound like. A belt, that has up to 6 compartments where mini 10oz water bottles can be placed when you are on a run. This is possibly the worst invention of all time. Bones was never a great runner, but as he has stated before, mountain man used to literally run 50 miles through the mountains and states he took, "a few sips of water from a fresh spring at mile 34, I will never forgive myself for giving in" during his victorious race. Bones is not saying it is bad idea for teams to take water breaks during practice or for marathoners to chug a cup or two during their 26.2. What he is saying is that people who obviously are running no farther than a 5k do not need 60 ounces of Bobby Boushee's finest strapped to their belt. Not to mention it has to be uncomfortable and Bones has never witnessed a runners pants randomly fall down. He also has never seen one of these posers actually take a sip. Bones ventures to declare that it is much like recreational bikers wearing a yellow jersey or a young Bones rocking a Nick Van Exel jersey during pick up basketball. These runners do it to make other people think they are runners. They think to themselves, "I may look like I am running away from a bees nest in slow motion while jogging on this great street but if people see this awesome belt they will think I am a pro." In spite of this practice bothering Bones so much he can get over it ruining his casual strolls because any exercise is good for America. His boy Iron Mike has a message to help these novices keep their belts strapped and heads up,"Without discipline, no matter how good you are, you are nothing! One day, and I might not be around; you're going to meet a tough guy who takes your best shot. He'll keep coming because he's tough. Don't get discouraged. That's when the discipline comes in."

Dinner with the Lake Show

Bones is an avid hater of the Lakers. He dislikes Pau Gasol, hates Derek Fisher and despises Kobe Bryant. This being said your loyal narrator always recognizes greatness. Until game 2 of the Finals Kobe and his cronies had been exactly that and despite his hatred of the on court personas of nearly every player on the team Bones has always thought they had an interesting cast of characters. Because of this belief Bones accepted the Black Mamba's invitation to attend a player's only meeting at the great snake's residence. The meeting occurred right before the team got on their flight to Bean town and focused on how they would avoid the same fate that befell them at the hands of the Celtics in 2008. The following is a running commentary of how the meeting went down. (In most cases parenthesis indicate what most players muttered under their breath so Kobe could not hear them)
Kobe: Thank all of you for coming (pause, turn head, stroke face, regain focus). The Celtics are some bad dudes, (stroke face, regain focus) some bad dudes. (Wife walks in with drinks and appetizers) But not as bad as my wife Vanessa. Thanks, baby. That girl is bad. Shaped like an hour glass (does hour glass motion with hands a la Kid Rock in the All Summer Long video). You don't know nothing about thick girls Paul. Haha (smile, stroke face, regain focus)
Pau: You're right Kobe I don't. You're the best. (In Europe we call that fat. What kind of idiot gets married at 21. But at least you didn't defecate your body with an awful tattoo to try to make up for cheating.)
Kobe: But all jokes aside. They whipped our behinds last time. Man, they spanked us. But we're a better, tougher team now. I'm going to start with Fish. Fish is one tough, intense dude. What you think big guy.
Fish: We need to concentrate. We have to really, really focus. Concentration is the key.
Ron-Ron: Man, Chill. I'm from Queensbridge. Made that silly white dude from TNT tell the whole world I was but I guess you didn't hear because you was still on the court with me. The only way we lose is if Lamar's diabetes mess up.
Lamar: What? I don't have diabetes.
Ron-Ron: Then why you always eating skittles. Cuz your blood sugar is low right?
Lamar: Man, I just like candy.
Ron-Ron: Well then why'd you marry that Amazon woman. I figured you did that so you could have a real big athletic child to carry on you lineage in case you passed unexpectedly.
Lamar: Easy Ron that's my wife. I love her.
Ron-Ron: (Man, I know that dude got diabetes)
Kobe: Ron, you a big, rough neck dude. Real rhinoceros like but you're crazy. Just D up Pierce and only shoot when you're wide open. Pau what you think? You were real soft like last time like a big roll of bounty quilted. You know what I'm saying Luke.
Luke: Yea, I feel you. You're the man. (What they hell is he talking about? He's a bigger dork than my dad! I love LA but hate this guy. Quite a quandry. Man I can't wait until the season is over so I can spend more time with Kristen from the Hills and I'm bout to scoop Brody's new chick to. Damn I'm nice!)
Pau: Kobe, you're right. I was soft last time and it's unacceptable. This year I will be strong like the bulls I fight in the off-season. (Wait. What did I just say? I feel like I'm on a blind date with an ugly girl every time I talk to you. I don't care at all if you like me but I'm nervous to say how I feel because we have a long way to go until this thing is over. Why don't you try posting up Kendrick Perkins? He's the strongest guy in the league and he looks like a gargoyle. Plus you shot us out of 2 of the 3 games in Boston in 2008. You remember that? Black Mamba, what the Hell does that even mean?)
Ron-Ron: Man, I wrestled a bull once. They're suprisingly strong but I still won. Sometimes, I wish I was a bull. There responsible for up to 200 cows. That would be the life. I was talking to this Hindu guy the other day at Hardees. He said they believe in the after life you come back as an animal. I might have to look furthur into that.
Sasha: But what if you came back as a bull and they made you a bull-fighting bull?
Kobe: Sasha, who gave you permission to talk! Ray Allen undressed you in 08. He's a bad dude and he killed us in game 2. Beautiful jump shot. Real artistic like. We got to make him put it on the floor and keep Rondo out of the lane. Can you do that fish?
Fish: We must concentrate. We have to really, really focus. Concentration is the key.
Ron-Ron: Has anyone else noticed Ray Allen looks exactly like the actor in He Got Game. It's remarkable.
Lamar: Kobe you got any candy? I'm outa sour skittles.
Ron-Ron: (That dudes got diabetes. No doubt.)
Kobe:Nah, Lamar the Bryant's have always hated candy. It's for the weak.
Sasha: Wasn't your dad's name jelly bean. (Idiot. What's up with that face you make after big shots jutting your teeth out the whole time? You look like me trying not to throw up after taking beer bongs with co-eds at USC. You have a different face every post-season and they never catch. Give it up. You're not Jordan.)
Kobe: Sasha, stop talking. This is your last chance.
Ron-Ron: Who the hell is that old dude that sits right next to our bench and is always yelling at the refs? That fool wears sunglasses at night, inside. You do that in Queensbridge you better be able to back it up.
Lamar: Man, that's Jack Nicholson one of the most famous actors ever.
Ron-Ron: Famous or not he wouldn't last five minutes in Queensbridge. Kobe can you throw me a bad pass and I will run over him at the beginning of Game 5?
Kobe: Game 5 is in Boston the finals have a 2-3-2 format. But I would never throw you a pass anyways. Where is Bynum?
Fish: He's in your living room watching cartoons. He is not concentrating. He is losing focus. Concentration is the key.
Kobe: Man, you guys are some funny, crazy dudes. Real-clown like. Obviously, this meeting is going nowhere. So just get me the ball and move out of the way. I will meet you at the airport Vanessa is putting on the Laker girls' gear real quick. The mamba is a frisky dude. My hormones are abnormally high, real high-school like. I brought in Ron's intellectual equal Mike Tyson to close out the meeting.
Iron Mike: Listen Up. Uncle Mike has got a story for you. "One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand he was out cold, convulsing on the floor like an (infant).” In game 3 pretend the Celtics ruined your stickball bat dedicated to your favorite dead pigeon!!!!

A day with Cakes and the Nasty Boy

The Washington Nationals play the Baltimore Orioles today at 1:35. This game would have absolutely zero relevance except for the fact that MASN (the local station the broadcast Os and Nats games) has made the executive decision to combine the television crews of both teams in the booths. This means the two worst color commentators of all time will be on the air at the same time. Combine this with the fact that the weather is terrible outside and Ms. Bones promised I could watch one Os game in its entirety this weekend and we have the birth of a running commentary. Before delving directly into the ridiculous comments sprayed by these former hurlers let me give each a proper introduction.

Jim Palmer aka "Cakes": In the prime of his life Jim Palmer was a dominant started pitcher for a then proud Baltimore franchise as well as a heartthrob. In his hall of fame career he won 268 times, pitched 212 complete games and helped Baltimore win two World Series. While Bones hates to admonish an Orioles legend his announcing career would land him in whatever the opposite of the hall of fame is. The only thing more painful than the Orioles play is listening to Palmer tell stories about himself the entire game. He has the awful habits of starting long stories with 2 outs, telling long stories during huge rallies or pivotal moments in games and mentioning his career whenever possible. A former player recalling his career when relevant to prove a point is fine in moderation. Palmer mentioning on a 2-1 count in the first inning that he once gave up a home run to George Brett on a 2-1 count 20 years ago is not fine. Anytime the bases are loaded he tells a story, runners on the corners a story, pitcher gets out of a jam, story. Last year when it was announced Adam Jones made the all-start team he said, "Congratulations to Adam, I pitched against Willie Mays in an All-Star game." That was it. Just wanted to get that out there.

Rob Dibble aka "nasty boy": Dibble was a lights out relief pitcher for four of his brief seven year major league career. He gained the name Nasty Boy by constantly throwing at (pitching inside in his words) batters. His most annoying characteristic is an announcer is he acts like an overzealous parent at his son's little league game. Only he has apparently fathered 25 children who all play for the Nats. Every hit the other team gets is lucky, every loss has something to do with the umps and if a hard hit ball by the Nats is caught it is an absolute crime to humanity. The only time Dibble is critical of his boys is when a pitcher either refuses to throw inside or throws something besides a fastball. He makes comments like if you brush Pujols off the plate he is simply not going to be effective or why did Livan Hernandez (tops out at 84) throw the curve there is no way Soriano could catch up to his fastball. The combination of he and Palmer should lead to a few magical moments and every listener knowing a little less about baseball then they did at the start of the broadcast.

Bottom 1st: Another classic Palmer characteristic is not answering the question asked. When he is asked why Orioles starter Kevin Milwood has given up so many home runs this season he responds, "You know nine of them have been at home and the one on the road was to Tampa Bay they have some hitters. Pena, Longoria, Burrell, Blaylock" and then he is mercifully cut off. Also in the top of the first Dibble states that Nats starter John Lannen needs to throw at the front shoulder, come inside, back him off the plate and then apparently threatens him saying he needs to pitch better because, "this is his livelyhood." Bones believes it would be great if Dibble was GM. He imagines the nasty boy assembling a pitching staff of 13 Armando Benitez's.

Bottom 3rd: Wow after an uneventful first 3 innings Palmer drops the first true bomb on the day. Bones is glad to see he may have witnessed Palmer's last broadcast. Cakes and Nasty were going back and forth with mundane, unfunny jokes about each others wordrobes. The nasty boy stated, "I know you didn't like my suit yesterday so I wore my special tie for you." The show the tie and it is a little feminine. Palmer responds by saying, "I like that outfit and that tie will play well on your next trip to San Francisco." Did he really just say that? In the oversensitive society we live in there has to be some repercussions. But do enough people watch these two hanus teams for their to be an outcry. This is the same guy who two years ago said of Kevin Millar, "
"If you can't run, and the plays in front of you, you just can't get gay." All of the sudden Bones is a huge gay rights activist. Off with his head! Boycott MASN unless he is fired! Whose with me?

Bottom 5th: While discussing when Nationals phenom Stephen Strasburg will debut for the Nationals Dibble is making up reasons he is not up yet (real reason is the Nats can keep him longer for less money if he stays in the minors until June 4th). He is asked what he feels about Curt Shilling saying he will be the best pitcher ever. Nasty boy gets nasty, "Curt Shilling needs to shut up. We are supposed to think he is some kind of rocket scientist know that he's done with baseball?" No Rob that third grade response proved you are in fact the rocket scientist.

Top 6th: Some more classic Palmer. Dibble asked him about how great the great Eddie Murray was and he states, "Eddie hit a home run in my first start. We were up 4-0. I blew the lead but didn't lose it was a no decision." Is that your final answer? With the Os down 3-1 runners on the corners and 2 outs Dibble and Palmer change stories about how nasty their sliders were. Luke Scott strikes out to end the inning but neither notices.

Top 9th: Trailing 3-1 in a terrible game (no one has scored since the first inning) the Os uncharacteristically rally and put men on second and third with one out. Now Dibble goes into full on Little League dad mode complaining about every pitch that is called a ball. After supposed franchise savior Matt Wieters grounds out to second it is up to Julio Lugo to get a hit to tie the game. And he does! Bones jumps off the couch, screams an Indian mating ritual and almost gives Ms. Bones a heart attack. He calms down just in time to hear Dibble mutter, "nothing made me madder in my career than when a little guy hit a flair." Palmer responds by mumbling a lot by say something about Cal Ripken Jr.'s heart and desire.

Bottom 10th: With the score tied 3-3 and Os closer Alfredo Simon working his second inning of relief Dibble actually makes a great point that has never crossed even the great mind of Bones. He says that one of the hardest parts of being a reliever is pitching in the divets that have been left by the other pitchers throughout the game. Palmer agrees by telling another story, "last game of my career was a loss pitching the 14th, 15th and 16 innings in some of the nastiest slop you will ever see. A pig wouldn't have wanted to roll around in that stuff and I was pitching on it." Simon promptly hurts his hamstring covering the bag on a grounder to first proving Dibble's point but not validating Palmer's story about pig slop. The Os bring in Richmonder Cla Meredith because of the injury. Bones has actually met the side armer a couple times and in addition to be a solid reliever he seems to be a nice guy. He thinks to himself that the Os have no one left in the bull pen and if they were actually in contention it would probably be better for the team to lose now as opposed to use another starter or throw out Meredith's arm. But they're nowhere near contention and he hates the Nats so he is disappointed Josh Willingham takes Meredith's 4th pitch deep making the Os record 14-31. As Willingham crosses the plate Dibble says something like, wam, bam, slam Willingham brings the hammer and this one is ovveeeer! The sad part Rob is it's not. Bones will have to listen to you and Palmer make ridiculous comments for the next four months every time he wants to watch the nation's past time.

Random Thing that bothers Bones: While listening to one of the two local "hip-hop" stations in Richmond the other day Bones realized that 80 percent of the songs played are strictly about sexual intercourse. When Bones was growing up R & B and rap songs used to mention casual sex fairly often but rarely were the messages as blatant as those in today's songs. Besides Silk's "Freak me baby" (Bones loved this song he had no idea what it meant but remembers asking his mom to take the long way around the neighborhood on the way home from church at the start of the song. As the chorus hit your loyal narrator's mother looked at him with a look of disdain he will never forget. Not until years later did he understand why) Bones struggles to think of any. But just the other day Bones heard "I bet the Neighbors know my name", "I can make your bed rock", "Lil Freak" and "Sex Therapy" in succession. However, this is really not what bothers Bones. What bothers him is that every rapper and R &B singer claims to be the most amazing love maker of all-time. Am I really supposed to believe that Twister kept a girl up all night? Or that Fat Joe is the best a girl has ever had? For some reason the rapper who bothers me most is Ludacris. In every song he has released since he started his career with "Fantasy" he has provided at least 5o orgasms. When he was young it was annoying but not creepy. But now he is a 5'4 man in his mid 30s portraying himself as Ron Jeremy. If you were talking to a 5'4 guy in his thirties at a bar and referred to his latest sexual encounter by comparing it to, all-state insurance, fireworks, rocks, cotton, rotten apples, twister, webs, blind fold, slip n slide, and horse saddles as Luda does in his new song "sex room" wouldn't you be a little disturbed. Bones would to. Is he ever going to rap about anything else? Has he ever had an off night? At 5'4 is he the tripod he claims he is in this same song? The following is what Mike Tyson thinks about after listening to Ludacris' empty boasts: "“I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles, and then you will know what it is like to experience waking up everyday as me. And only then will you feel my pain.”

A long time coming

Bones has actually been busy lately causing a prolonged absence from the blogasphere during one of the most riveting stretches in sports he can remember. Although, Ali Farokhmenesh could fit into LeBron James' pocket Bones must admit the NCAA tournament was watchable. He even swallowed his pride and skipped the Warriors epic battle against the Clippers so he could watch the Final Four. He watched the finals as well but only because David Stern was nice enough not to schedule any games that night to help boost the NCAAs lowly ratings. Also during Bones' absence Tiger Woods returned, the Redskins pulled the trigger on a blockbuster deal and baseball started. Tackling all of these subjects in their entirety would result in Bones leaving The Illiad looking like a prologue and test the patience of even his most loyal followers. As is often the case Bones intellect took over and he realized he could briefly discuss all the topics by simply sifting through the countless e-mails he has received since his last post. So forget about your mundane job, those nagging bill collectors and the fact you haven't felt the touch of a female in quite some time while you enjoy Bones poetic prose on all things sports.

Is Duke the ugliest team to ever win the National Championship? Chris is Philly.
As a young child Bones was an avid Blue Devils fan. He cried every time they lost and even uttered his first curse word (called his cousin the b word at a family gathering) after their loss to Arkansas in the National Championship. However, once he got to college Bones felt it was strange to scream at and revere kids his age who were not paid (it's much better to root for them in $2 parlays) and completely lost interest in the Dukies. As a partisan observer he now understands why much of the public hates Duke (Coach K being portrayed as a saint when he cusses like a sailor and treats refs like CEOs treat secretaries, the overzealous nature of their assistant coaches and the propensity of huge calls to always go their way.) Bones somewhat agrees with all of these complaints but believes their ugliness is exaggerated. The primary reason for this is because white bloggers (losers) and radio hosts are more comfortable calling white players ugly. Since Duke routinely has the highest percentage of crackers of any relevant team and everyone already hates them people get cheap laughs at the expense of these poor floor slappers. Bones is looking at the mug shots for this years team as he types and besides Kyle Singler (Bones really feels bad for Singler. It is not like he doesn't try. He has tried the mop look, the crew cut and the basicwhite person hair cut with little to no success. That being said Bones would gladly trade his mediocre looks for Singler's ugliness and basketball prowess. He draws the line at Popeye Jones) So no they are not the ugliest team ever, not even close. Bones begs those who disagree to look at the white guys on the groundbreaking Texas Western squad who paved the way for African-Americans to dominate the sport.

Can you believe the Eagles traded Donovan McNabb within their division for a second and third round draft pick? What were they thinking?
Every Redskins, Eagles and Cowboys fan I know.


Bones had a magical Easter. He visited the man upstairs house with his immediate family before venturing to a picnic with all 23 of his cousins on his father's side (yes that is actually true and yes your loyal narrator is Catholic). Much of his mother's family was also there. It was a momentous occasion as Bones traded barbs with his relatives in between bites of ham and swigs of Zima. Near the conclusion of this great gathering the older cousins decided what better way to conclude this wonderful day then to go see a mindless comedy like Hot Tub Time Machine (not bad, wait for the DVD). Seconds before the movie was about to start Bones glanced at his iTouch (opened his flip phone with a broken screen) to make sure the ringer was off. Much to his shock he had a month worth of text messages waiting for him. Bones figured the high volume could only mean 3 things: Tim McGraw and Faith Hilll were getting a divorce, Ms. Bones found his pictures from Cabo or something epic had happened with one of his sports teams. It was the latter as all of the texts were about the Eagles trading their franchise quarterback, Donovan McNabb, to Bones beloved Redskins for draft picks. Bones has never been a huge fan of McNabb and is a Jason Campbell advocate which is why his reaction made no sense. He was immediately enthralled. A sense of exctasy encompassed him that he has not felt since Elizabeth Edinborough asked him to prom. Upon furthur review Bones realized there was reason for his optimism. The Skins now have a proven quarterback for the first time since 1992 (Mark Rypien). They also have a signal caller savvy enough to avoid the rush and established enough to command respect in the huddle. Bones also felt good for Campbell in a way. He was never really given a chance in Washington (the revolving door of offensive coordinators, lack of confidence in him by front office and the ineptitude of offensive line) and now he will be able to get a fresh start.
As far as the Eagles go this has to be the second stupidest trade Bones can remember (the first is you guessed it, the Pistons trading Chauncey Billups). The decision of the Eagles to trade McNabb was questionable to start with but let's just say it had to be done. Why would you trade him within your own division when there were other teams offering the same package of draft picks? The only way this ends well for Philly is if Kevin Kolb is the next Joe Montana and McNabb either gets hurt or plays terrible every time he plays against the Eagles the rest of his career. What are the chances of that? A huge deal was made of this but for once the media did not overhype it. They seriously traded a top 10 quarterback to a team that was looking for one and whom they play twice a year. Unreal. Bones still can't get over it but looks forward to McNabb torching the Eagles twice and watching a slew of new Chunky Soup commericals come Super Bowl Sunday.

What do you think about the whole Tiger Woods fiasco? I think he couldn't pull of a win at the Masters because he is still in love with me.
Misty (Waffle House waitress inTulsa)

Bones has never liked golf or Tiger Woods. From the little Bones has observed of Woods he seems to be an extremely selfish person who does everything on his terms and lacks any trace of a sense of humor. That being said Bones does not think Tiger cheating on his wife is any of his business. He also finds it interesting that it is common knowledge that Micheal Jordan and Magic Johnson cheated constantly on their significant others and faced little to no scrutiny. Think about LeBron James. He is the most famous athlete in the United States behind Tiger. His high school sweetheart is reportedly pregnant with their third child. How many people even know that? How many care? Imagine for a second that LeBron was married (as if having three kids with someone is not reason enough to not cheat) and it came out that he was sleeping with a different groupie in every city the Cavs played in. Bones doubts anyone would even blink. However, for some strange reason when this happened with Tiger it is the biggest news story in the country. The whole fiasco left Bones confused but did lead his watching the final round of the Masters which he would have never done otherwise. That means it is completely possible that having the most popular player in their sport emulate Wilt Chimberlain while married may have actually helped golfs sports popularity. What a world we live in.


The Os are terrible. I hate Canada. I hate Mike Gonzalez, I hate my life.
Fred in Charleston.

This is actually a voice mail left on Bones' phone at 7AM by a person who attended opening day and had not gone to bed yet. While it is not a question and was barely coherent it is a perfect explanation of the Orioles 2-12 start to the season. While prognosticators were not predicting Baltimore to make the playoffs in 2010 most were projecting vast improvement. The combination of a young talented nucleus in the field and starting rotation gave a cause for optimism for the first time in over a decade. We should have known better. It is a tired cliche but as an Orioles fan you really must expect the worst thing that can happen to happen at all times. They locked up their stud second baseman Brian Roberts in the off-season to a 4 year 40 million dollar deal. He started the season 1-14 before landing on the DL. They signed lights out Atlanta Braves reliever, Mike Gonzalez, to a 2 year 12 million dollar deal to be their closer. He blows two saves in the first four games and goes to the DL. Felix Pie was the only Oriole position player who started hot hitting .400 over the first 10 games of the season. He suffered a freak back injury while batting and is currently on the 60 day DL. Regulars Miguel Tejada and Nolan Reimold are also battling nagging injuries just 14 games into the season.
The starting pitching has given cause for optimism. However, starting the season 1 for 34 with 2 outs and runners in scoring position effectively wasted 8 quality starts. Bones cannot figure out whether the Os are terrible, cursed or if the priceline negotiator as their manager is costing them in the clutch. What he does know is that a 2-12 start has led to the hatred of owner Peter Angelos to intesify, attendence to plummet even furthur and a dark cloud of hopelessness to poistion itself above Camden Yards that shows no signs of moving.

What are your predictions for the NBA playoffs? I want to know what you think so I can bet the opposite.
Charles in Atlanta

Chuck you've admitted to losing over 10 million dollars gambling and going against Bones is how your going to get it back? You're better than that. Bones forsees Jim Carrey's Mavs topping Ron Jeremy's Magic in 6 games. More importantly, Bones has isolated the 10 most compelling storylines of the first round for his loyal readers.
1) TNT's Microphones: The microphones seem to be extra sensitive for playoff time and Bones could not be happier. Next time you watch a game in the Nuggets-Jazz series count how many times Carlos Boozer yells "get in their girl" as a ball rolls on the rim or Chauncey Billups admonishes a teammate to "dunk that sh**" as they attack the rim. If you're in college turn it into a drinking game. It's truly fantastic stuff. Is their anyway HBO can broadcast a game of this series with Kenyon Martin and JR Smith wearing a mike? Who wouldn't watch that?
2) Kevin Durant's acne: Bones is not poking fun at the league's scoring champion (your loyal narrator battled the dreading bumps in college and it is terrible). Quite the opposite. It is great that shunned youths can watch Durant light defenders up like Christmas trees and think "that's only really noticable in HD. Frat parties are dark. I'm been over thinking this the whole time. I'm back in the game." Even better is imagining how furious Ron Artest must be when a player with pimples drops 40 on him.
3) Jeff Van Gundy: Who knew the coach that always seemed miserable and looks like your weird uncle was hilarious. He's good for at least 5 laugh out loud (brb, smh) moments a game. His banter with Mark Jackson is enertaining and listening to him make fun of his brother while doing a Magic game is priceless. Not since the days of Bill Walton and Steve "Snapper"Jones has a broadcast team shown such promise.
4) Kobe Bryant: Bones is not as concerned with his play as he is with the awkwardness of the all-time great. It is extremely enertaining to watch him dominate a game against the world's best athletes while at the same time seem concerned with his every movement during deadballs. His actions resemble those of a middle school boy in gym class when he knows girls are watching. Nothing seems natural and he tries to overcompensate for this by laughing a lot and constantly engaging in tomfoolery with teammates that seem shocked. Bones favorite part of the whole sherade is when he tells a joke to Walton, Bynum or Sasha. You can tell they hate him and the joke but they force a laugh because they would like to touch the ball and stay on the team.
5) Dick Bevetta: Unfortunately, refs are always an issue in the playoffs. If the Cavs play the Magic in the East and the Lakers play the Mavs or Suns in the West how far will the NBA go to ensure the match up they dream of? Why will everyone in the media refuse to talk about the Magic getting screwed when it inevitably happens? How many anonymous henchman does David Stern have?
6) Mike Brown's inadequacy: Bones gives credit to Brown because the Cavs play hard and he somehow won over LeBron. However, tactically Brown is atrocious. He has arguably the most talented player of all time at his disposal and runs a boring offense that is prone to long stretches of ineptitude. He also has no grasp on when to use time outs, run a play that doesn't result in isolation or adjust his line-up according to match ups. This cost Cleveland dearly last year as he refused to go small despite Rashard continually torching his slow-footed 4 men. Bones forsees a similar result this year followed by LeBron finally realizing Brown will never lead him to the land of milk and honey.
7) Joakin Noah vs. Cleveland: Noah is hated by many but is one of Bones's favorite players. Not only has he turned himself into a really good pro but he completely unloaded on the city of Cleveland prior to game 2. Unlike many athletes when he was asked if he wanted to apologize for his statements he declined. Unless this quote is an apology, "Ah, Man I don't know about this place. Everytime I look out my hotel room I get depressed. It's all factories." He was booed all game and responded by putting up 25 points and 13 rebounds albeit in a loss. Bones predicts the Bulls taking the Cavs to six games before bowing out giving Noah at least one more chance to trounce the mistake by the lake before the season is over.
8) The emergence of Derron Williams: Bones wants to start his opinion on Williams by saying something like, "Although Williams looks like an African-American character in a movie about prohibition he is undoubtedly the most underaprreciated player in the NBA" but feels like this would violate the Duke rule (only make fun of white people's looks if your white state on page 1 of this 50 page entry). So he will simply say that Williams is the best point guard in the playoffs and Bones second favorite player. If Williams is able to put the Jazz on his back and lead them to a defeat of the Nuggets he has to be in the conversation anytime the third best player in the league is discussed. He is a phenomenal, can score in the 30s whenever he feels his team needs it and is as valuable to his team as any player in the NBA. Yet he gets nowhere neer the attention John Stockton recieved while putting up comparable statistics and win totals. Hmmmmm. (Just kidding, I think)
9) The return of Michael Jordan: Since Jordan's retirement it has been revealed that he may not be the best person in the world but it is still great to see him again. After all, he is the greatest player of the time and was the face of the league for over a decade. Even more satisfying is the fact that he is still rocking the hoop earing. It remains to be seen if his airness can revive an anemic Charlotte fan base but it sure is fun watching him berate the refs like old times.
10) TNT defining team roles: Didn't keep up with the NBA regular season? Not to worry. TNT has you covered. During the playoffs, ss a player prepares to shoot foul shots in addition to showing his stats the turner broadcasting network is showing the player's role on the team. Take the Nuggets for example. Carmelo is scoring machine, Chauncey Billups is second scoring option/leader, JR Smith is 3 point marksmen and Kenyon Martin is glue guy. Bones cannot believe he wasted so much time watching the first 82 games! His personnel favorite is Stephen Jackson's which simply reads Captain Jack. Nuff said.

Bones never knows how to end his blogs. It is even harder to wrap up today's marathon entry which encompasses so many different topics. So Bones is turning to a man he has always counted on for advice to help him with this problem. That is right the visionary that is Mike Tyson will help Bones summarize how he feels about the blog he just finished from here on out. Today's quote personifies how your loyal narrator feels after a long and hopefully succesful return to the blogasphere, "My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart...Praise be to Allah!"

Quite a Quandry

Bones begins his barrage on the blogasphere both humbled and confused. He is humbled because almost 300 people have visited his refuge from the real world since he posted an Ode to Ms. Bones (Bones promises it is not just him constantly pressing refresh). He is confused because he is not sure what to think of an entry about his beloved girlfriend being his most popular to date. Should he start a blog writing gut wrenching love balleds and dating advice and cash in on his uncanny ability to make the ladies swoon? Or should he continue to write about the non sense that his previous 8 fans have come to love and expect from their loyal narrator. Even though he could regret this decision more than Buzz Aldrin regrets going with rock against Neil Armstrong in roshambo on the way to the moon he must go with what got him here (where here is he is not exactly sure). Bones has decided to write a belated All-Star break review and make a u-turn on the road to fame.

Bones' will be the first to admit that his preseason predictions were awful. He had the Wizards as his suprise team and the Spurs as the champs. He will not use injuries, hilarious practical jokes involving firearms and the fact that Richard Jefferson apparently died and had Brent Berry take over his body like he was Locke from Lost as excuses. What he will do is atone for his ineptitude with humor (as he has done all his life). Bones refused the all access passes his good friend Dirk Nowitzki left him for All-Star weekend (because it was in Cowboys stadium) but he was able to get many of his favorite players on the phone and asked them the following questions.

Bones: Caron, how are you doing? I must admit that I am happy for you. The Wizards have an awful record and occasionally made you share the court with a midget but you still always played hard. I also think the trade makes Dallas the third best team in the West. However, you did go from the home of the Redskins to that of the Cowboys. What was the first thing you thought when you were traded and how do you feel about the deal overall?
Caron Butler: No offense to the Mavs but the first thing I thought about was Mountain Dew. I mean the Wizards did a lot of strange things in my time there but taking my dew away from me? Come on now! You know what that does to a man going from 2 Liters of Dew a day to none. It's just not right. After I polished off a 6 pack I starting thinking about Dallas. The first thing I thought about was how much I hate cowboys fans. Their obnoxious, cocky and most have never even been to Dallas. But then I thought, wait, I will be in Dallas so all of them there will obviously have been there. Plus, you know there season is always over at least a month before the Super Bowl and that means more attention for the Mavs. I thought about the actual basketball part of the deal last which is strange because you know it's what I do for a living. When I thought about it I was excited. I don't know whether it was the prospect of playing with a german god or the second 6 pack of Mountain Dew but I do know I was definitely excited! I think we can win the whole thing, I don't what the hell you're talking about third for. I ain't scared of Denver or LA. In fact Kobe's scared of me. That's why he got traded from the Lakers. He tried to take a sip of my dew before practice one day and I nearly ended his life right there. Next day I am on a plane to Washington! He should have known better but now I will get my revenge. I might drink 4 liters before we play them!
Bones: Chauncey! I'm so glad I finally get to talk to you. I understand why you wouldn't meet me in person but I promise I'm not a stalker or weird or anything. I just really love your jump shot, how big your arms are, the way you walk out of time outs like you're an All-State quarterback walking down a high school hallway and how you always hit huge shots. When you got traded from the Pistons it was one of the worst days of my life. I still cry everytime Rodney Stuckey misses a 3 in crunch time. I mean we basically traded you for Charlie Villanueva and Ben Gordon. Two guys coming off the bench! There's so much I want to ask you. Do you miss Detroit? Are you glad Joe Dumars looks like he ate the last remaining Pistons fan? How is it being back home in Denver? Do the Nuggets have a real shot at knocking off the Lakers?
Chauncey: Whoa, whoa whoa. Easy young fella. I love my fans but I only got time for one question. You know who you're talking to right?
Bones: Of course you're right, I'm sorry. The two things you are most famous for are big shots and how well-liked you are by your peers. I mean, they call you the mayor. So I guess if I can only ask one question I guess it's how do you manage to be so cool all the time?
Chauncey: You know, it's really hard to answer that. That's just the way its always been. When I was 5 years old my mom bought me these bright red overalls. I knew they weren't cool but my moms bought em and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I wore them on Friday to school and the next monday everyone in my class was wearing the same ugly overalls. It was then I realized that I would always be cool and always be a leader. In middle school the principal didn't make any changes in the school unless they were run by me and in high school 3 teachers asked me to the prom. I used to do stuff in high school just to see if people would copy me. They always did. I wore a ring pop once and they next day, you guessed everyone was sucking sugary goodness from their ring finger. However, I must admit a small amount of thought goes into it. Like, I just feel relaxed in cold climates. I actually have a clause in my contract that states I cannot play anywhere where it gets over 70 during the season. Don't believe me? Look at the teams I have played for. Boston, Toronto, Minnesota, Denver, Detroit and Denver again. I am so cool you can still see my breath on South Beach in summer but it's a personal preference. But if you need advice Bones, I'm sorry, your helpless.

Bones: Kevin my relationship with you is similar to the one I had with a brazilian belly dancer while backpacking through South America. It makes up for what it lacks in length with passion. But while the passion I felt for her made me long for her embrace the passion I feel for you makes me want to punch someone in the face. When you were toiling away in Minnesota I couldn't have cared less about your childish antics. It was when your teammates and the refs knocked the Pistons out of the playoffs that my hatred was born. I hate how you head butt the basket before games, pound your chest after fade away jump shots and how you only talk trash to foreign players. You never played well in big games but masked that by yelling a lot and barking at rookies. Still, Bones has to admit you were one of the best players in the league at one time. But oh how have the mighty have fallen. While watching the Celtics collapse against the Cavs the other night Bones has never been happier. You hobbled up and down the court bricking jumpers off the front rim and missing easy rebounds as Cleveland went on a 26-4 run. That is called karma my friend. My only question I have for you is are you going to continue to scream obscenities and bully point guards from Latvia know that you are a poor man's Antonio McDyess?

Garnett: What did you say to me you #!??? I will ?!?!?!?! if I ever see you. Do you hear me you little &*##*&$#))!!!! Anything is possible! Anything is *##*#&@(@( possible.

Kesha update: Bones' good friend Kesha has followed up her number one hit with a song in which the premise is that she doesn't want guys to hit on her. This is not because she is not interested, it is actually the opposite. She just wants to skip the meaningless talking and get down to "business." Below are actual lyrics.

I don't really care where you live at
Just turn around boy, let me hit that
Don't be a little b**** with your chit chat
Just show me where your d**** at

This definitely bodes well for the future of American music. In a related story my friend Ricky made the following video in homage to Kesha's first song.

Someones got to be #1

Bones wishes this entry could focus on the big game and how Drew Brees' precision passing and a timely turnover helped the Saints win their first Super Bowl and some much deserved happiness to New Orleans. However, for some reason as the game got closer and closer to kick off your loyal narrator became less and less excited. He half-heartedly watched the beginning of the game before completely losing interest at halftime. While it had nothing to do with the Super Bowl there was something that happened on Sunday that inspired him to burst onto the blogasphere and appease the appetite of his loyal readers.

You see my friends on the way to brunch on Sunday Mrs. Bones was listening to the local pop music station which was playing America's Top 40. And while I know anyone reading this just muttered, "Wow I hate Ryan Seacrest" this entry has little to do with the least talented famous person since Carson Daly. (But seriously going from a legend like Casum to Seacrest is worse than Jennifer Anniston rebounding from Brad Pitt with Vince Vaughn. Casum was absolutely classic and was a great ice breaker. Who among us hasn't broken an awkward pause in conversation in a car ride on a first date by saying, "I remember with this song was on America's Top 40. Yea, with Casey Casum. I hated the requests and dedication too.They were so lame but I still listened every Sunday my mom wouldn't let us listen to anything else. Oh man that's great. I'm glad we did this. Applebees is going to be awesome.") You see my friends it was 11:55 which meant that we were about to be treated to the number one song in all the land. As Nostalgia starting to creep in Bones listened to Seacrest tell someone named Kesha that it must be pretty pimp to be a rock star. Kesha agreed that it was in fact pimp to which Seacrest responded, "well it must be really pimp to hear me announce that the new number one song in the United States of America is tick tock by Kesha!" This is when the true madness. The following are actual lyrics from the current number one song in our great nation and what ran through Bones mind the first time he heard them.

Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy (Hey, what up girl?)
So at the beginning of Kesha's story are young starlett rises from bed, opens her eyes and feels like an overweight, African-American male in his 40s. A once respected music mogul who in the last five years is best known for running the Vote or Die campaign and not voting, failing on every season of making the band and now for doing voice overs in Kesha songs. However, he did discover the best rapper of all-time so Bones understands where Kesha is coming from.

Put my glasses on, I’m out the door - I’m gonna hit this city (Let’s go)
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
Cause when I leave for the night, I ain’t coming back
Kesha is young and excited to be alive. She puts on her stunner shades, rolls out the door and is ready to hit the town. (Even though she just stated it's the morning your loyal narrator will give her a pass) Upon hearing the next line Bones threw up in his mouth and nearly drove the car into a mailbox. After Ms. Bones assured me that yes, she really did just say she brushed her teeth with whiskey Bones needed time to digest what just happened. First of all Kesha you liedto Bones. You told me you were out the door to hit this city and then you said before you leave you brush your teeth . So unless you take care of your dental hygiene inbetween your front door and your car you need to reverse those two lines. More importantly, you do what before you leave? You brush your teeth with one of the three wise men? That has to be the most ridiculous line ever uttered in a song and that includes Soulja Boy. But wait. She offers an explanation. She obviously does it because when she leaves for the night (even though again, you just said you woke in the morning feeling like P. Diddy) she's not coming back. If you're leaving and not coming back wouldn't you want to use colgate, mouth was and possibly even floss? On another track on the CD Kesha states that her hair dryer spits out crystal meth and she showers in vodka.
Ain’t got a care in world, but got plenty of beer
Ain’t got no money in my pocket, but I’m already here
This is where Bones realized it was the worst song he had ever heard. It is hard to argue with the two above lines because they mean absolutely nothing. What does not having a care in the world have to do with having a lot of beer? Where are you?
Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger
At this point Bones is beyond flabergasted he needs to get out of the car and get a drink himself that does not involve a tooth brush. Has any man in the world ever said the following, "man those girls are not that hot but I hear they have an above average amount of swagger let't go talk to them." Of course not. And kicking guys to the curb that don't look like Mick Jagger? Bones knows that Jagger rhymes with swagger and that you could't waste that incredible line but Mick Jagger was 44 when you were born. This is the equivalent of Bones saying he kicks em to the curb unless they look like Barbara Walters.
I’m talking about - everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys trying to touch my junk, junk
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk
Let me remind you, this is the number one song in the nation. This is not the number one song listened to by promiscious sorrority girls that brush their teeth with liquor. This is the number one song in our whole country. Besides saying the word at the end of each sentence twice and rhyming two words that mean exactly the same thing within three sentences there are some other problems. Mainly that Kesha refers to what makes her a "lady" as junk. I know this is not exactly a classy track but that sounds like something the Situation would say. "Yo Pauly, you see that girl at Karma. She loved the situation. She tried to touch my junk." However, she does draw the line. Guys can try to touch her junk as much as they want but the moment they get to drunk is when she slaps them? All Bones can say is he is glad he wasn't around for the first 39 songs that are apparently worse than this. It also made Bones wonder if he is going to be one of those dads who talks about how much better music was when he was young and embarrases his kids because he doesn't brush his teeth with a bottle of Jack.
The rap lyric that Bones (and possibly other white people) doesn't understand:
Today's lyrical quandry was uttered by Young Dro in his banger entitled "Rubber Band Banks."
The MC whose name loosely translated means inexperienced marijuana smoke said the following in the third verse,

Ima Chief like an Indian.
Freaks are Caribbean
my feet are amphibian

The first part of this hot fire Bones does not understand is why anyone would openly admit to being a chief. As anyone who follows Bones knows, a chief is the worst possible thing a person can admit to being. Dro brags about money, cars and women the whole song and then ruins it all by admitting to being a Chief? The second line is also perplexing. Freaks are carribean? Is Dro stating that he is hanging out with sexually open women from the Carribean, does he think all people from the Carribean are strange or are there some kind of crazy mutants on the islands that only he knows about? The third line in which he refers to his feet as amphibian is even tougher for Bones to grasp. In the video Dro points to his "gator" boots as he utters these words. This would make perfect sense if Alligators were amphibian but alas they are reptiles. If the line was meant to be "my feet are reptilian" Dro and the countless people that must have seen these lyrics before release are morons if Bones just doesn't understand he is even whiter than he thought.

LET ME SLING CHILE!!

When Bones first started his blog he never expected the accolades, fame and fortune that was to follow. He really just wanted to be able to write about sports while bored at work. But because of his abundance of knowledge in all aspects of life sports have been on the back burner as he has tried to advise his loyal followers with sorely needed advice. However, the majestic NFC championship game he witnessed last Sunday demands that Bones takes a break from making his readers better inhabitants of earth and getting back to his roots. It pains him to the bottom of his soul but he must write an entry out of reverence to the great Brett Favre.

Bones agrees that Brett Favre loves attention, makes his own rules and is overly dramatic 99 percent of the time on the field. He also hates it when the media constantly talks about Favre and then says that they hate talking about it as much as their listeners and viewers hate hearing about it. (What? If you hate doing something and your customers hate when you do it why would keep doing it? It's the equivalent of a nudist stripper wearing a bubble jacket at work) Because of his teary press conferences and the medias fascination with Favre Bones had developed an utter disdain for the legend that was bordering on unhealthy. Going into Sunday's showdown with the Saints he had forgotten how excited it can be to watch Favre. He forgot there is nothing like watching Number 4 rifle the ball between defenders and celebrate like a lottery winner from the midwest after Touchdowns. He also forgot how funny it was to watch him completely ignore his head coach and be the only football player ever to not fill his game pants.

Bones watched the game with five people his age he paid to be his friends for the day. At the beginning of the game no one seemed to care who won but by the start of the fourth quarter we all sliced ourselves Zach Galifinakis style to make sure we weren't bleeding purple. Watching, "the gunslinger run around like a little kid out there who would play the game for free" was the most fun Bones could remember having watching sports in years. Everytime Peterson fumbled one of my paid "pals" would yell "Damnit Chily let me throw. See what happens when I don't audible." When he got hurt Bones believes if Childress had the audacity to ask him to go out of the game he would have said, "Chille I aint coming out of this damn game. You hear me four eyes! I got enough electricity in this here right arm to light up this whole damn stadium. I could win this game from my knees if I had to. Just let me sling Chille. You hear me Chille, Let me Sling!"

When Favre hit Syndney Rice with a ridiculous throw to put the Vikings at midfield as the clock with two minutes remaining visions of a Favre vs. Manning Super Bowl teased Bones like 8th grade classmates after they discovered he super glued hair from his head under his arm pits to mask the fact he was a late bloomer. When they registered a first down at the 35 with plenty of time and time outs remaining it seemed to be all but over. However, Chille failed to heed the gunslingers advice on the next two plays becoming more conservative than the parents of Jenna Jameson would be if given another chance. After a 5 yard penalty Favre was put in a position where he had to make a play and of course he then threw the now infamous interception. Although it was a poor throw Bones believes Favre has recieved way to much heat over the last week for the interception. Imagine if the pass had resulted in a simple incompletion. What are the chances Longwell ices a 57 yarder. The argument that he should have run is proposterous (since he never does) and saying he should have checked down to the open man on the sideline is equally naive. On any given replay there is someone open, the problem is unlike the viewer at home Favre cannot always see when a reciever breaks open for a split second. Bones admits he ultimately made a poor decision but it could have all been avoided if Chily had not tightened up.
Bones cannot believe what he is about to type but he looks forward to a drawn out decision making process that ends halfway through training camp with Favre stumbling to the mike and saying Let me sling for one more year Chily, Let me sling!

A Word to the Wise

Admittingly, Bones has no idea what he is talking about when it comes to dating. Ms. Bones has had him locked down for so long that he has forgotten the little he knew about the practice. He has forgotten what it feels like to knock teeth during a first kiss, to avoid awkward phone calls by texting and to feel like there is something in his teeth or nose even though he just looked in the mirror 10 seconds ago. Ahhhh, the single life. Although he does not have much experience in the field Bones still feels that he would be a great dating coach (reasonably priced and available). Think of him as the Bill Belicheck of dating. To my knowledge Coach Belicheck never played middle linebacker in the NFL but it is undeniable that he is one of the great defensive minds of all-time. In the same way, Bones has not been involved on the battlefield of love in recent years but instead has been able to sit back and observe. What he has witnessed is not pretty. He has seen the following mistakes over and over and in aims to fix these atrocities with the words of wisdom below.

Avoid Women with the following names: Fellas, next time you are set up with or meet a woman with one of these names start sprinting the opposite direction. Girls with names such as Misty, Missy, and Christy (Chrystal also bad) and Lyndsay (fine without y) are always trouble. Men, do not get me wrong these women are often extremely attractive. In some cases so attractive that we avoid the obvious signs these women send out. Just the other day I had the following conversation with my boy Ricky. (Ricky is one of the names that would be on the list for woman not to date. They are always creepy and he is no exception. He actually has the polo symbol tatood on his chest.)
Ricky: Bones man just started dating this girl Missy. She is banging. So much fun, loves to go out and loves drinking Bud Light while she watches football on Sundays.
Bones: Get out. You know my rules about girls names.
Ricky: I know but every rule has an exception. I am telling you she's the best.
Bones: Does she have a tatoo on her lower back?
Ricky: Well, yea.
Bones: How many earings does she wear in her left ear?
Ricky: 7 but I mean...
Bones: Where is her last boyfriend?
Ricky: In jail for having a meth lab in his basement but...
Bones: What do the vanity plates on her eclipse say?
Ricky: 2HOT4U. Wait, how did you know she had an eclipse?
Bones: Just don't call her anymore.
Ricky: Fine. I hate you.

There is a small chance Ricky is right and there are a few exceptions to the rule but in the long run it pays to play the percentages.

Refer to "Cougars" as Free Agents: Just because a woman is over 35, unmarried and at a bar does not mean they are savages out in search of the first younger guy that has the guts to come and talk to them. These women are often attractive and have a lot to offer. Because of this younger men need to treat them with respect and courtesy (not as a hungry predator) if they desire the be blessed with the presence of their company. For this same reason Bones proposes the next time one of you helpless singles encounters one of these gems you refer to them as a free agent instead of a cougar. If you do this instead of having a drink thrown on your face the vixen will look at you quisocally and say what does that mean? This is when you say the following. "I like to refer to women that have a little experience and know what they want as free agents. A lot of my friends use deragatory terms like cougars but I prefer to use a more appropriate term. There are three kinds of free agents and I can explain the term in more detail to you using references to Queen Latifah, Jennifer Anniston and Rachel McAdams if you have a second. Oh, you have all night. Thats great. You see in Hollywood between movies every actress is a free agent. They are not tied down by commitment and can choose whatever movie they like. Now some experienced women are like Queen Latifah. They are towards the end of their career and were really never great to begin with. They are looking for any role that will give them a quick fix and make them feel better about themselves because they are running out of time and options. Like that woman across the bar talking to the bald guy with the earing. Bless her heart. You obviously do not fall into this category. The second group can be compared to Jennifer Anniston. They are still beautiful and near the top of their game but they have let past experiences hurt their value a little bit. Now I understand what Brad did to Jen was outlandish and I am sure it hurt her. But you can't argue that it has hindered her performance in recent films and she always looks a little sad. Like the women sulking at the end of the bar on her fifth martini. Poor thing. The third category are the Rachel McAdams' of Hollywood. They have options by choice, are only beginning to enter their prime and drive a hard bargain. They will not sign onto a movie because it has a catchy title or offers a big payroll. No! They have to feel it in their soul. They have to know it is right for them and their lives. This is the category you fall into and I believe I am the perfect role." If that doesn't work approach the next cougar you see and ask how much a polar bear weighs? When she says she doesn't know respond, "Enough to break the ice, I'm Bones, and it will have a similar effect.

Stay away from girls that call you first: Bones understands that it is 2010 and some woman prefer to be the aggresser and thus scoff at historical gender roles. However, a girl who contacts you first after the initial meeting should immediately raise a white flag. Attractive girls start to get bombarded by passes from the oppositesex in middle school. It gets progressively worse in high school and college until it reaches its climax at the bar scene. Sometimes I wonder how it is even possible for girls to have fun while getting hit on and having every guy in the bar trying to grind with them. Basically woman spend there whole life running from men (until they find one they like, dig their claws in and then try to change everything about the guy they apparently liked in the first place) so what does that say about a woman that calls or texts you after one night? (Sure it might make you feel like you displayed an innordinate amount of game or she thought you were a good dancer but let's be honest. If your white all you really did was drunkingly mumble and bump into her a lot while music played.) Sadly, it states she has issues. She either is the kind of girl who always needs a boyfriend or she has no self-confidence. Either way you have a potential stalker on your hands. Either run for the hills or end up "having someone stalk your whole life" like the Isreali did to Pauly D on Jersey Shore.

Chief of the Week: Bones had completely forgot about this coveted award until he recieved a text message from a wrong number which read (I promise this is true) Nannie Im outsidd. Using his detective skills Bones deciphered that this person was picking up their grandmother in a car. This text bothered him on multiple levels. First off texting your grandmom is just strange. She was probably alive when the ModelT was invented just call her. However, what really bothered Bones was the fact that this chief would not get out, go to the door and walk their grandmother to the car (possibly even opening the door for her). Bones really hopes that this great country has not gotten to the point where this is acceptable and prays that young whipper snapper got the cheek pinching of a lifetime when nannie finally made it outside.