A Word to the Wise

Admittingly, Bones has no idea what he is talking about when it comes to dating. Ms. Bones has had him locked down for so long that he has forgotten the little he knew about the practice. He has forgotten what it feels like to knock teeth during a first kiss, to avoid awkward phone calls by texting and to feel like there is something in his teeth or nose even though he just looked in the mirror 10 seconds ago. Ahhhh, the single life. Although he does not have much experience in the field Bones still feels that he would be a great dating coach (reasonably priced and available). Think of him as the Bill Belicheck of dating. To my knowledge Coach Belicheck never played middle linebacker in the NFL but it is undeniable that he is one of the great defensive minds of all-time. In the same way, Bones has not been involved on the battlefield of love in recent years but instead has been able to sit back and observe. What he has witnessed is not pretty. He has seen the following mistakes over and over and in aims to fix these atrocities with the words of wisdom below.

Avoid Women with the following names: Fellas, next time you are set up with or meet a woman with one of these names start sprinting the opposite direction. Girls with names such as Misty, Missy, and Christy (Chrystal also bad) and Lyndsay (fine without y) are always trouble. Men, do not get me wrong these women are often extremely attractive. In some cases so attractive that we avoid the obvious signs these women send out. Just the other day I had the following conversation with my boy Ricky. (Ricky is one of the names that would be on the list for woman not to date. They are always creepy and he is no exception. He actually has the polo symbol tatood on his chest.)
Ricky: Bones man just started dating this girl Missy. She is banging. So much fun, loves to go out and loves drinking Bud Light while she watches football on Sundays.
Bones: Get out. You know my rules about girls names.
Ricky: I know but every rule has an exception. I am telling you she's the best.
Bones: Does she have a tatoo on her lower back?
Ricky: Well, yea.
Bones: How many earings does she wear in her left ear?
Ricky: 7 but I mean...
Bones: Where is her last boyfriend?
Ricky: In jail for having a meth lab in his basement but...
Bones: What do the vanity plates on her eclipse say?
Ricky: 2HOT4U. Wait, how did you know she had an eclipse?
Bones: Just don't call her anymore.
Ricky: Fine. I hate you.

There is a small chance Ricky is right and there are a few exceptions to the rule but in the long run it pays to play the percentages.

Refer to "Cougars" as Free Agents: Just because a woman is over 35, unmarried and at a bar does not mean they are savages out in search of the first younger guy that has the guts to come and talk to them. These women are often attractive and have a lot to offer. Because of this younger men need to treat them with respect and courtesy (not as a hungry predator) if they desire the be blessed with the presence of their company. For this same reason Bones proposes the next time one of you helpless singles encounters one of these gems you refer to them as a free agent instead of a cougar. If you do this instead of having a drink thrown on your face the vixen will look at you quisocally and say what does that mean? This is when you say the following. "I like to refer to women that have a little experience and know what they want as free agents. A lot of my friends use deragatory terms like cougars but I prefer to use a more appropriate term. There are three kinds of free agents and I can explain the term in more detail to you using references to Queen Latifah, Jennifer Anniston and Rachel McAdams if you have a second. Oh, you have all night. Thats great. You see in Hollywood between movies every actress is a free agent. They are not tied down by commitment and can choose whatever movie they like. Now some experienced women are like Queen Latifah. They are towards the end of their career and were really never great to begin with. They are looking for any role that will give them a quick fix and make them feel better about themselves because they are running out of time and options. Like that woman across the bar talking to the bald guy with the earing. Bless her heart. You obviously do not fall into this category. The second group can be compared to Jennifer Anniston. They are still beautiful and near the top of their game but they have let past experiences hurt their value a little bit. Now I understand what Brad did to Jen was outlandish and I am sure it hurt her. But you can't argue that it has hindered her performance in recent films and she always looks a little sad. Like the women sulking at the end of the bar on her fifth martini. Poor thing. The third category are the Rachel McAdams' of Hollywood. They have options by choice, are only beginning to enter their prime and drive a hard bargain. They will not sign onto a movie because it has a catchy title or offers a big payroll. No! They have to feel it in their soul. They have to know it is right for them and their lives. This is the category you fall into and I believe I am the perfect role." If that doesn't work approach the next cougar you see and ask how much a polar bear weighs? When she says she doesn't know respond, "Enough to break the ice, I'm Bones, and it will have a similar effect.

Stay away from girls that call you first: Bones understands that it is 2010 and some woman prefer to be the aggresser and thus scoff at historical gender roles. However, a girl who contacts you first after the initial meeting should immediately raise a white flag. Attractive girls start to get bombarded by passes from the oppositesex in middle school. It gets progressively worse in high school and college until it reaches its climax at the bar scene. Sometimes I wonder how it is even possible for girls to have fun while getting hit on and having every guy in the bar trying to grind with them. Basically woman spend there whole life running from men (until they find one they like, dig their claws in and then try to change everything about the guy they apparently liked in the first place) so what does that say about a woman that calls or texts you after one night? (Sure it might make you feel like you displayed an innordinate amount of game or she thought you were a good dancer but let's be honest. If your white all you really did was drunkingly mumble and bump into her a lot while music played.) Sadly, it states she has issues. She either is the kind of girl who always needs a boyfriend or she has no self-confidence. Either way you have a potential stalker on your hands. Either run for the hills or end up "having someone stalk your whole life" like the Isreali did to Pauly D on Jersey Shore.

Chief of the Week: Bones had completely forgot about this coveted award until he recieved a text message from a wrong number which read (I promise this is true) Nannie Im outsidd. Using his detective skills Bones deciphered that this person was picking up their grandmother in a car. This text bothered him on multiple levels. First off texting your grandmom is just strange. She was probably alive when the ModelT was invented just call her. However, what really bothered Bones was the fact that this chief would not get out, go to the door and walk their grandmother to the car (possibly even opening the door for her). Bones really hopes that this great country has not gotten to the point where this is acceptable and prays that young whipper snapper got the cheek pinching of a lifetime when nannie finally made it outside.