Someones got to be #1

Bones wishes this entry could focus on the big game and how Drew Brees' precision passing and a timely turnover helped the Saints win their first Super Bowl and some much deserved happiness to New Orleans. However, for some reason as the game got closer and closer to kick off your loyal narrator became less and less excited. He half-heartedly watched the beginning of the game before completely losing interest at halftime. While it had nothing to do with the Super Bowl there was something that happened on Sunday that inspired him to burst onto the blogasphere and appease the appetite of his loyal readers.

You see my friends on the way to brunch on Sunday Mrs. Bones was listening to the local pop music station which was playing America's Top 40. And while I know anyone reading this just muttered, "Wow I hate Ryan Seacrest" this entry has little to do with the least talented famous person since Carson Daly. (But seriously going from a legend like Casum to Seacrest is worse than Jennifer Anniston rebounding from Brad Pitt with Vince Vaughn. Casum was absolutely classic and was a great ice breaker. Who among us hasn't broken an awkward pause in conversation in a car ride on a first date by saying, "I remember with this song was on America's Top 40. Yea, with Casey Casum. I hated the requests and dedication too.They were so lame but I still listened every Sunday my mom wouldn't let us listen to anything else. Oh man that's great. I'm glad we did this. Applebees is going to be awesome.") You see my friends it was 11:55 which meant that we were about to be treated to the number one song in all the land. As Nostalgia starting to creep in Bones listened to Seacrest tell someone named Kesha that it must be pretty pimp to be a rock star. Kesha agreed that it was in fact pimp to which Seacrest responded, "well it must be really pimp to hear me announce that the new number one song in the United States of America is tick tock by Kesha!" This is when the true madness. The following are actual lyrics from the current number one song in our great nation and what ran through Bones mind the first time he heard them.

Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy (Hey, what up girl?)
So at the beginning of Kesha's story are young starlett rises from bed, opens her eyes and feels like an overweight, African-American male in his 40s. A once respected music mogul who in the last five years is best known for running the Vote or Die campaign and not voting, failing on every season of making the band and now for doing voice overs in Kesha songs. However, he did discover the best rapper of all-time so Bones understands where Kesha is coming from.

Put my glasses on, I’m out the door - I’m gonna hit this city (Let’s go)
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
Cause when I leave for the night, I ain’t coming back
Kesha is young and excited to be alive. She puts on her stunner shades, rolls out the door and is ready to hit the town. (Even though she just stated it's the morning your loyal narrator will give her a pass) Upon hearing the next line Bones threw up in his mouth and nearly drove the car into a mailbox. After Ms. Bones assured me that yes, she really did just say she brushed her teeth with whiskey Bones needed time to digest what just happened. First of all Kesha you liedto Bones. You told me you were out the door to hit this city and then you said before you leave you brush your teeth . So unless you take care of your dental hygiene inbetween your front door and your car you need to reverse those two lines. More importantly, you do what before you leave? You brush your teeth with one of the three wise men? That has to be the most ridiculous line ever uttered in a song and that includes Soulja Boy. But wait. She offers an explanation. She obviously does it because when she leaves for the night (even though again, you just said you woke in the morning feeling like P. Diddy) she's not coming back. If you're leaving and not coming back wouldn't you want to use colgate, mouth was and possibly even floss? On another track on the CD Kesha states that her hair dryer spits out crystal meth and she showers in vodka.
Ain’t got a care in world, but got plenty of beer
Ain’t got no money in my pocket, but I’m already here
This is where Bones realized it was the worst song he had ever heard. It is hard to argue with the two above lines because they mean absolutely nothing. What does not having a care in the world have to do with having a lot of beer? Where are you?
Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger
At this point Bones is beyond flabergasted he needs to get out of the car and get a drink himself that does not involve a tooth brush. Has any man in the world ever said the following, "man those girls are not that hot but I hear they have an above average amount of swagger let't go talk to them." Of course not. And kicking guys to the curb that don't look like Mick Jagger? Bones knows that Jagger rhymes with swagger and that you could't waste that incredible line but Mick Jagger was 44 when you were born. This is the equivalent of Bones saying he kicks em to the curb unless they look like Barbara Walters.
I’m talking about - everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys trying to touch my junk, junk
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk
Let me remind you, this is the number one song in the nation. This is not the number one song listened to by promiscious sorrority girls that brush their teeth with liquor. This is the number one song in our whole country. Besides saying the word at the end of each sentence twice and rhyming two words that mean exactly the same thing within three sentences there are some other problems. Mainly that Kesha refers to what makes her a "lady" as junk. I know this is not exactly a classy track but that sounds like something the Situation would say. "Yo Pauly, you see that girl at Karma. She loved the situation. She tried to touch my junk." However, she does draw the line. Guys can try to touch her junk as much as they want but the moment they get to drunk is when she slaps them? All Bones can say is he is glad he wasn't around for the first 39 songs that are apparently worse than this. It also made Bones wonder if he is going to be one of those dads who talks about how much better music was when he was young and embarrases his kids because he doesn't brush his teeth with a bottle of Jack.
The rap lyric that Bones (and possibly other white people) doesn't understand:
Today's lyrical quandry was uttered by Young Dro in his banger entitled "Rubber Band Banks."
The MC whose name loosely translated means inexperienced marijuana smoke said the following in the third verse,

Ima Chief like an Indian.
Freaks are Caribbean
my feet are amphibian

The first part of this hot fire Bones does not understand is why anyone would openly admit to being a chief. As anyone who follows Bones knows, a chief is the worst possible thing a person can admit to being. Dro brags about money, cars and women the whole song and then ruins it all by admitting to being a Chief? The second line is also perplexing. Freaks are carribean? Is Dro stating that he is hanging out with sexually open women from the Carribean, does he think all people from the Carribean are strange or are there some kind of crazy mutants on the islands that only he knows about? The third line in which he refers to his feet as amphibian is even tougher for Bones to grasp. In the video Dro points to his "gator" boots as he utters these words. This would make perfect sense if Alligators were amphibian but alas they are reptiles. If the line was meant to be "my feet are reptilian" Dro and the countless people that must have seen these lyrics before release are morons if Bones just doesn't understand he is even whiter than he thought.