LOD "The Anniversary I Never had"

This was written by Bones deranged brother Little Orphan Danny. (LOD)

SLAM! “WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN!” The man with the crazed look in his eyes said to LOD as he slammed me against the marble wall. Suddenly the anger left his face and he let me go and fell to the floor, this time with tears in his eyes and a soft, whimpering voice “Where the hell have you been.” Now after three hours of smoking cigarettes, watching sister wives and talking, me and this strange man who had suddenly broken into my hut somewhere in east asia, and attacked me, worked things out. You see LOD, not knowing how much pain and sufferings it would bring to his fans had decided to move out to somewhere in East Asia and simply live off the land. LOD, unlike Bones, does not need a model rubbing his feet at all hours of the day and gin on tap, to be happy. So without a goodbye blog or leaving any trace of where he was off to, LOD left. I demanded to know of Rick, my attacker and adoring fans name, what had happened since I left. He launched into crazy ramblings and strange antidotes but from what was said LOD believes this is what happened. Now as the years and months passed by and no blog came from LOD, his fans became restless and lost. So they all congregated together and confronted Bones about his whereabouts. Now Bones had been sworn to secrecy by LOD in a weird ceremony in which two baby calves ended up dead and Bones was left bald. However, the tears of the fans and their seemingly helpless state without LOD’s blogs stirred something foreign to Bones,emotion. So he simply told them that I had left the country.

A worldwide search was launched by LOD’s adoring fans and after a couple of months all of them had turned around except Rick, who had taken his terrified family along for this crazy ride. Im not sure what exactly happened on their trip because Rick kept jumping from story to story without any storyline but I do know that he talked about this place called the Rambler Inn a lot. Anyway as Rick continued his story,I looked out into the stormy night and saw Rick’s family in the car, a beautiful wife and two 6 month old baby boys but something did not look right about them. LOD realized that their hands, feet and mouth were duct taped. At this moment it dawned on LOD, this is not an adoring fan, RICK IS A CRAZY PERSON! My next reaction was to pull the shotgun, I always keep stuffed down my left pant leg out and straight murk Rick. SHAAAAAAAAAAAABOOOOM and RIck’s lifeless body was thrown against the back wall. I then proceeded outside and took Ricks wife and children for my own. Nonetheless, Rick had had an effect on me so I decided to move back stateside and return to my blogging career.

So for my return to the blogosphere I have decided to give all you chiefs out there a little taste of the chocolate cake that is my mind and give you three pieces of life advice. My Grandpapy always said this about life advice “Shut your mouth and listen up to what the hell I have to say,” So here we go.

Number one- Don’t waste your time showering unless you sweat a lot- Why waste precious time under the dominion of the shower head if you do not get dirty or sweat. This is something that bogs up LOD’s free flowing mind. I see people taking one or two showers.....A DAY! That is madness. Imagine all you could be doing instead, like reading Ernest Hemingway or taking a good dump. Side note, there is nothing LOD enjoys more than taking his drawers off and just sitting on the toilet for a long time just drinking in the aromas of his own seed. But anyways, why take the precious time out of our day to do something that some deodorant on the armpits and a brush of the teeth can take care of in five seconds. But LOD, does not even like to do that because the female species may say they like a good smelling man but let me tell you something, they like the natural musk of a man. It is built into their DNA. You think that for thousands and thousands of years women were attracted to men who never showered and then all of sudden people start taking showers all the time and their natural instincts just change. NO! Now just because its what their supposed to do in a social situation many a women has said stuff to me things such as“LOD you smell like spoiled milk” or “LOD I’d rather cut all ten of my toes then touch you romantically.” These women would say these nasty and hurtful things to LOD but I’d be misleading you if I did not tell you that not a short time later a text would be sent LOD’s way from these women with something like “ I know I was extremely rude to you earlier and you can deal with me how you wish with that, but I must tell you, I cannot put my finger on it but your everything I have ever wanted in a man.”

Piece of Advice number two-Spend at least one year of your life as a truck driver- LOD recently a couple years ago did this and it was on the roads of America that I discovered who that little midget that is living inside of me is. You never really know who you are until you stay in dirty, musky motels seven nights a week and have women who smell of cigarettes and pepto bismol hitting on you,sometimes succeeding, at the local rest stop. I drove about sixteen to eighteen hours a day, hauling kelly picklers new album to CD shops around the country. But LOD what did you do with yourself for all that time with just you and the road? Well it really depended on the day, some days I would mostly fantasize about what my future will be like with my celebrity crush and hopefully future wife Rihanna. We would open up a chocolate and vanilla swirl ice cream shop and would make profits off of sheer irony. Our children will be the mascot. Also I spent a lot of time listening to music. Everything from David Gray to Bubba Sparx entered my ears and I learned a lot from these artists. I listened to endless hours of music on the road and during this time, and by taking the best part of all their life philosophy’s, LOD came up with his own by the name of Heraldonism. Now this is an extremely complicated and mindboggling new movement that was started by LOD and it is growing fast. However, it would take pages and pages to explain and even then you wouldn’t fully understand it. It’s all about the experience man. So that will have to wait until a later date. For now drive your truck and let the road be your captain.

Piece of Advice number Three- Only marry or date a classy women- This is perhaps the most important of the all the pieces of advice that LOD can give. In order to give my loyal readers a little taste of why this is important, I will give you a day in the life of LOD and his classy wife. I make up next to her, she smells of cinnamon. She then proceeds to go downstairs and make me some orange juice and some bacon and eggs (LOD is fattening himself up at his wife’s request because she likes to think of me as just one big baby.) She wears a bow in her hair and a long dress wherever she goes. We start our day off by going to the park where I compete in my weekly ultimate frisbee games and she watches the kids take turns riding our dog. I bought one of those huge dogs, a mastiff I think their called and have fitted him with a saddle and at least one of my kids must be mounting it like a horse at all hours of the day for my amusement. Now it is lunch time and we shoo the kids off to day care, their someone else’s problem now and we have a nice lunch at a local watering hole by the name of Chicken Mania. We wear our napkins in our collars and giggle with each other just like the first day we met. We get up(she looks so good in her stockings and black clogs) and proceed to take our afternoon nap. It is now 5’o clock and she heads off to get the kids from daycare and I go to the market to by some fresh beef. My conversation with the teller goes something like “Hows your day sir” “ Well I ain’t getting any younger, and my mortgage isnt going away so all and all pretty...great!” HAHA Laughs all around. I head back to my home to find that my parents and my wifes parents will be joining us. What a treat. Our conversations are like this “LOD do you love my daughter” Response “Um well let me think about this Father in law Jack, um TO THE MOON AND BACK” high fives all around. Love is a beautiful thing. After the rents leave and we clean up its off to an early bedtime. All this fun has worn me out.

You stupid women

the pots go on the left, the pans on the right

do you have to be told that forthright

i’m just trying to help you out

You stupid women

get your act together

do not smother your problems with a clothe

but let them flow into the air and breathe like the steam coming off of a good frothe

You stupid women

stop with your beezewax and malcontent

just let the ice melt at its own pace

it’s not a race

You stupid women

what do you want from me

All I want to do is please your every key

O stupid women you were so right despite your spite

I am the stupid women

So much cooler online

Bones knows that most people think he is lucky to be a world renowned blogger. When he skypes with his merely mortal friends from a 5 star hotel in London or uploads a picture from the Eifel Tower on facebook using his chocolate the comments from his friends are always the same; "Keep living the dream Bones.", "I would leave my wife and kids in a second to have your life you stallion.", It's not fair that you're talented, rich, good looking and single." While your loyal narrator cannot deny that he won the genetic lottery he must admit that at times he envies the boring, monotonous life his friends live. You see, when Bones was a young child he did not dream of being a ingenious writer and global icon. The dreams he had in the quadruple bunk bed he and his brothers slept in were much simpler. He dreamed of getting married young, popping out a bunch of chillens with his wife Betsy, there were different versions of Betsy but she always had pig tails and wore overalls, and buying a small plot of land. Bones imagined being the best husband and father alive. His family would make their living by making a delicious jam that would be taken to market and sold on the weekends but mostly they would survive off love.
Unfortunately, fame has made this life a near impossibility for Bones. As beautiful as South American models are Bones doesn't trust their intentions and they sure as hell do not know how to make a thick, delicious preserve. For this reason Bones recently created an alternate identity and joined the dating service zoosk.com. He hopes for a woman to fall in love with him because of his sweet chat messages without ever knowing his true identity. He chose the name Omen Trula, bubbles82 was already taken, and went to work. So far he has been requested for 2 chats, has 3 friends and has been viewed 17 times but alas he has not found love. Below are your lonely narrators answers to the websites questions. Ladies, if you're picking up what Omen is putting down please wink me.

Zoosk: What is your personal story?
Omen: I was born a poor, black child. J/K movie quote from "The Jerk" one of my faves. My story is only is only its beginning chapters I like to believe. The climax will be when I find the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. Family wise I adopted by a loving, poker playing man in his mid 40s. His friends called him Aces but to me he has always simply been dad. We had a cat, a dog and a fish. The dog ate both and I tried to eat the dang dog. That story just shows how much I love animals.

Zoosk: Please describe your ideal match.
Omen: My perfect match has no physical description. It is a woman who embraces each day with a rare vigor. It is a woman who walks into a room and commands attention but is to modest to notice. It is a woman who looks for the best in everyone and can bring the best out of Omen. She must love her job but not be consumed by it, love her religion but not be blinded by it and love her independence but be ready to surrender it. In essence, she must be her own person but also be willing to be one with Omen.

Zoosk: What's your ideal first date?
Omen: My ideal first date would be arriving to pick a woman at her apartment and being invited inside. She would proceed to tell me about herself for hours with no inhibitions. It would be like solving a complex puzzle as piece after piece of her beauty was revealed through her words. Hopefully the weather would cooperate and we could go eat a nice, decetant, light meal on an outside patio. I would display my inner most gentleman as I revolved the conversation around her and made her feel at ease. My wants and needs will be secondary as they would be throughout the entire relationship. We would then go for a casual stroll and I would return her home early leaving both of us longing for a second date.

Random thing that bothers Bones: Miranda Lambert

Dear Miranda,

You can't steal someone else's husband, Blake Shelton, and then sing every song about how awful men have been to you.

Love,

Bones

Brother Luke

If you’re like Bones the first thought that popped into your head this morning was related to yourself. Maybe it was what you were going to do that day, or how much time you had to get ready to work, or if your spongebob boxers were clean. The point is that it was a selfish thought. That’s not to say it was bad thought just a selfish one.

Bones would approximate that over ninety percent of his thoughts during the course of his day are selfish. What am I going to eat for lunch? That guy not paying attention caused me to miss the light. Wow, I look amazing in these stunner shades. Why does Larry David have to be such a comedic genius and cause me to stay up late? Is Jon Beck or Rex Grossman going to torment my dreams this year?

Human beings are nothing if not inherently selfish. Nearly every decision made is based on what is best for oneself. Without thought we often ask ourselves; How is this going to help me? before even the most trivial of decisions. Think about everyday tasks like driving, waiting in line at a restaurant, or getting in an argument at work. The goal is always to gain an advantage while giving little to no thought about how it affects the other people involved. We spend countless time fantasizing about an insult that should have been hurled at a boss or an achievement that would cause us to be revered. It is actually quite depressing if you think about it.

So why is Bones thinking bout “it.” Is he suddenly appalled by the human race and depressed that he is part of it? Does he despise himself and all his egotistical, yet loyal followers? Has Bones renounced all his possessions, moved to Belize and started to believe he is an ingenious philosopher? The answers to all these questions is no. In fact none of these thoughts would have even entered Bones mind if it was not for a recent trip to visit his little brother, brother Luke.

For those of you who are not avid readers brother Luke is Bones’ 22 year old brother who is currently studying to be a priest. He played college soccer his freshman year at a division II school in West Virginia before deciding at an age where most people’s lives revolve around Milwaukee’s Best and the opposite sex to join the priesthood. He joined an order called the Legionaires of Christ whose mission is to “extend the Kingdom of Christ in society according to the requirements of Christian justice and charity.” The members are known as brothers until they become priests.

Although Bones’ brother and his “brothers” are technically college students and have countless jobs they do not get paid. They study for years to spiritually prepare themselves to go out and serve the people of the world. When they become priests they are not assigned to a parish. They travel the globe spreading kindness and the word of God. They function entirely on their own work and the donation of others.

For the majority of the year brother Luke resides in Cheshire, Conneticut where he lives with roughly 50 other men, the majority who are close to his age. They rise early, pray, attend class, study and work. There is not time for much else. Nor at certain points in the year is there talking. However, In July and August the Legion go on a “vacation” in New Hampshire and Vermont.

Bones arrived in Vermont last Sunday and was greeted by brother Luke at the airport. His driving skills were extremely rusty but we managed to make it back to the “vacation” sight unscathed. From there it was straight to a game of soccer. The soccer match is where Bones first started to realize how special of a place he was in. Throughout the match conversations like this ensued constantly.

Brother 1: What a goal brother. An incredible shot.

Brother 2: You’re to kind brother. That pass was amazing. It takes a lot for my clumsy feet to score a goal.

Brother 1: Nonsense brother. Your speed is a true gift something to marvel at.

Brother 2: Ah, Brother we all marvel at your grace on the field. It is truly enviable.

At one point the two teams argued about a shot by brother Luke that appeared to go directly over the cone that was serving as the post. Luke’s team argued that it shouldn’t be a goal while the other team argued it was clearly good. During the argument Bones started juggling the ball resulting in comments about what a brilliant juggler Bones is even though he is terrible. At the end of the game Bones felt like Pele and the players thanked each other for the competition and continued to complement each other while detracting from their own achievements. Bones was so confused he momentarily lost consciousness which resulted in the brothers stating how graceful a fainter he was.

The rest of the week Brother Luke and your loyal narrator slept in a cabin, in a tiny room, in a bunk bed and bathed in a lake. We woke up at 7 AM every morning and attended mass. The rest of the day was centered around prayer and physical activity. Meals are prepared, cooked and served by the brothers.

The members of the legion are not nerds or introverted. They are athletic (Bones prides himself on being in decent shape and barely survived a 4 mile hike straight up the mountain where the Lake Placid Olympics were held while the brothers calmly proceeded up the mountain without sweating and tried not to laugh.), normal looking (Bones tries not to judge men not named Leo) and have outgoing personalities (Bones has not laughed that hard in years). They hail from all over the world with a large contingency coming from South America. They are among the happiest people Bones has encountered in his young life.

Brother Luke states that this happiness derives from the promises the brothers make to stay chaste, obedient and poor. Paraphrasing my little brother on one of our walks. “Men are drawn to power, money and women by nature. But does that make anyone happy? You always want more money, more power and more women. No true satisfaction ever comes from these things. All the sudden your 60, you have a ton of money, have had all the women you could imagine and you do not even like yourself. If happiness comes from these things why are there so many depressed people in Hollywood? Why do famous people commit suicide? The only way to happiness is to reject these things and focus on serving God and making others happy. All our thoughts throughout the day should be focused on these two things.”

Bones is not hypocritical enough to have written this blog to provide religious guidance to people. Although Brother Luke would adamantly disagree Bones also does not necessarily think religion is the central theme at work. Bones felt compelled to write this entry to let his loyal followers know about the selflessness of this incredible group of young men and what they are doing for the world. Their sacrifices (again these people could in college partying) and selflessness provide happiness, strength and perseverance for the less fortunate people in our world.

If you would like to make a donation or learn more about brother Luke and his “brothers” just copy and paste the link below. Thank you.

http://www.legionariesofchrist.org/eng/articulos/donate.phtml?se=251&ca=703&te=475&id=19198&csearch=905&width=1280&height=1024&width=1280&height=1024

A few short words

Bones’ best friend Eric Kelland gets married this weekend. Defying the odds that all gingers face he somehow found a doting, beautiful wife. Not only is she one of the nicest human beings to ever grace God’s green earth but she also tolerates that he still wears a backwards hat and lives on a diet of chicken tenders in his late 20s. In turn, he somehow deals with the fact that she is a Ravens fan and from the North. They appear to be the perfect couple (only flaw I can find is they write e-mails to each other pretending they are from their dog. For example, hey pappa this is your baby Madison. Mommy and I want you to pick up some ice cream from the store on your way home. Heart emoticon, paw emoticon, xoxo. Truly inexcusable.). However, this entry is not about their young, unbridled love continuing to mature as they cherish each other for all of entirety. As is always the case is about Bones.

As much as your loyal narrator hates to admit it he has been rooting against the day happening for quite some time. He knew as soon as Eric became engaged he would start dreading giving the wedding speech. You may be shocked that a man that possesses so much wit, prestige, and class would cringe at the opportunity to appease the masses with a speech. However, public speaking is to Bones what Kryptonite is to Super Man and what a heel is to Achilles. It is an undefeatable enemy that brings him to his knees dry mouthed, stammering and uncontrollably sweating. Bones has not done much in his life but he has been to countless weddings and witnessed almost as many horrendous speeches. There are a few simple ground rules that should never be broken yet they are shattered over and over. While the audience will undoubtedly be left wondering why a soft spoken, sweat covered, Elmer Fudd impersonator was allowed to give a speech Bones promises not to embarrass anyone but himself.

Rule 1: Do not talk about yourself unless it is absolutely necessary: Bones is not getting married on Sunday. Therefore he is inconsequential. The entire day should be centered around celebrating the two people who are making a decently important commitment. The speech should concentrate on the qualities the individuals possess that will help make this life long commitment life long. Not the fact that you’re a lawyer, or you’re golf game is better that your friends or that your son gets his looks from you. Bones has witnessed multiple speeches where the speaker states they are scared they are losing a friend to marriage. If you say something like that during a wedding speech you should be.

Rule 2: Keep it short: Is there anything worse than a long wedding speech? Bones cannot stand when he has finished off his second Cosmo, digested his food and is raring to hit the dance floor only to be quelled by a thirty minute speech that usually repeatedly breaks Rule 1. Momentum and timing are extremely important in weddings. There is a certain amount of time for the ceremony, dinner, speeches, dancing etc. If there is a glitch any aspect the wedding loses that precious momentum and when it’s over no one knows what the hell just happened. Most people don’t know this but women think weddings are pretty important. Some even start thinking about them when they are a young child and spend years picturing their dress. The bride spends countless hours preparing and worrying that everything goes according to plan and time restrictions are met. Yet some chiefs completely destroy all this preparation because they think they are unveiling life’s secrets before the audiences eyes or believe they are auditioning for the last comic standing. When this occurs the whole wedding is thrown off. Agnus has to leave before they play shout killing Frank’s chances, middle aged people are to lethargic to dance and the young people have gotten to drunk passing the time during the marathon speech. Fear not Eric this will not happen to you. Bones promises to be both awful and quick. Take that as you may.

Rule 3: It’s not story time: Short, humorous stories about childhood or that reveal positive character attributes of the bride, groom or both are fine. However, repeatedly telling embarrassing stories or telling any tale that involves alcohol or college is off limits. Bones has observed the following scenario countless times at weddings. The speaker says something like, “We sure did have some wild times in college. Remember that night at Phi Delt sophomore year. We obviously can’t tell that one. “ and then gives their friend a wink. It is always a great idea to bring up a story the person getting married probably regrets in front of his parents, grandparents, siblings and oh yea his future spouse. No better way to start the honeymoon then a question from your better half about what really happened that night at Phi Delt. Luckily for Eric he is a class individual, does not have any such stories and Bones is not a moron.

STRING BEAN!!!! (beeeeeaaaaannnn)

Unbelievably, “Bag of Bones” turned out to be a roaring success. I received countless e-mails, letters and text messages demanding more. Unfortunately, these messages demanding more all wanted more stringbean and less Bones. It is sad state of affairs when you must rely on a younger member of your family to remain relevant but if Billy Ray Cyrus can ride his daughter’s coattails then what should stop your loyal narrator to grabbing a hold of the fiery hot comet that is String Bean. We both agreed to not let this ruin our family (Man, I love US weekly)

String Bean has reluctantly agreed to be interviewed. The following went down over a Big Box meal with extra lava sauce. (Why was the agreement reluctant? Disclaimer: The following answer is actually true. The reluctance is present because of an event that happened in the laundry room when string bean was merely 6 years old and your loyal narrator had just blown out sixteen candles with only his pet goldfish as a witness. Seeing your loyal narrator was depressed and always being one to cater to downtrodden spirits Stringbean looked at Bones and said, “you have no friends, you’ve been kissed less than Drew Barrymore and your face looks like someone threw poop at you through a screen door. Can playing hide and go seek really make you any less of a loser?” The answer was no and the game was on. Bones closed his eyes counted to 43,046,721 by multiples of 3, a family tradition, and went to look for the little hellion. Following fifteen fruitless minutes Bones began to lose interest. While looking in the laundry room he threw some clothes he found on the floor, that he would probably be wearing that night, into the dryer to get the wrinkles out. He started to leave the room when he realized something in the dryer was making a substantial amount of noise. He shrugged it off but while walking upstairs he could still hear the crotchety racket and wondered what in the sam hill was going on down there? He jimmylegged downstairs and opened the dryer to find the boy currently known as string bean, red as the dickens in the middle of a pile of britches. Now the boy was born without tear ducts so he was not crying but his skin was as hot as white lightning. If this story is not true I demand google to take all my adds of this blog and the money I had made. Wait, that already happened).

Bones: Do you have anything to say about the dryer story?

Stringbean: First and last time I was ever scared. Now that is how I train. I put myself in the dryer, have one of my lady friends turn it on and try my moves inside it. So basically I have turned my only weakness into a strength. I figure if I can do my moves inside the dryer I can do them anywhere. STRINGBEAN!

Bones: You have gone through a lot stages in life for being so young? Why do you think that is?

Strinbean: Most people act a certain way because they want to be perceived a certain way. I act on how I feel. When I was younger I felt like a rapper so I went by J-Quan. In ninth grade I felt like I could fly so I went by Birdman. Now I feel like I want to look into people’s souls, find their innermost fear, exploit it and destroy them. What better way to do that then to do be a WWE wrestler named after an underrated member of the vegetable family? STRINGBEAN!

Bones: You spent some time in military school as a youth what kind of effect did that have on you?

Stringbean: It simply reinforced everything I already knew. Mainly, that people look up to me and I am a mentally tough machine. You see the problem with those places is that for guys like me that dominate life nothing really changes there. I had one kid in charge of making sure I never got checked for curfew, another bringing me late night fast food and a third making sure I had internet access and cable. The difference between you and I Bones is you would have been one of those servants. STRINGBEAN!

Bones: So you have decided you want to be a professional wrestler and call yourself stringbean. How long are you going to train for? When do you want to officially start your career?

Stringbean: There is no five year plan. I am constantly training. I am always looking for weaknesses and thinking of situations where the stringer can be unleashed. As far as I am concerned my career has already started. I strung up some guy at Taco Bell five minutes ago because he didn’t know where the back up lava sauce is. That’s a warning to people everywhere. Be proud of your life, own your job and always be prepared or you should be expecting a stringer! STRINGBEAN!

Bones: To close give the audience a sample of what a stringbean speech on RAW may sound like.

Stringbean: A lot of you out in the crowd have fear in your eyes. But string bean don’t need these two peepers the good Lord gave him to see it. He can sense it, he can smell it and he can taste it. You are cowering in the presence of the great STRING BEAN! (this will be followed by all his followers echoing bean in unison) And you should be scared because ole string bean (a lower echo) ain’t messing around. If you ain’t grinding, fighting and living your life to the fullest then you ain’t part of bean nation. And if you ain’t no part of bean nation then you can expect a stringer that you won’t soon forget. You see string bean (beeeaan) is just getting started and by the time he is finished there are going to be two groups of folks. Those in bean nation and those trying to remember what it felt like to have a soul because the great STRING BEAN (BEEEEEAAAANNNN!!!) took theirs away. STRING BEAN!!!!! (BEAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!)

Bag of Bones

Bones had no intention of writing a blog today. If fact your loyal narrator hadn’t even thought about appeasing the masses with unencumbered ecstasy since he hit the submit button on his last entry. “Belts are to keep you pants up” produced myriad negative text messages calling for his retirement by readers asking for ten minutes of their life back. While Bones cannot turn back the hands of time, he does have a few hours with nothing to do and will try to do better this time. With that bold proclamation how can you not be on the edge of your seat waiting to read the latest installment of “bag of Bones” (this is what my fake mailbag will know be called).

Why do you think it is so funny to talk like someone in the 1940s? ( Agnus, Coral Gables, Florida)

Bones takes absolutely no responsibility for the recent influx of 1940s sayings that are taking over his vocabulary and threatening to make it impossible for him to communicate with anyone in society under the age of 90. This all falls on his youngest brother Seth “birdman, j-quan, string bean” (more on the latest nickname, if you make it that far) Gill. You see string bean is a weird cat. He skate boards around the neighborhood with his shirt off in 40 degree weather, states he never wants to get his license and lives off taco bell. About six months ago this lunatic started speaking like he was dealing moonshine during prohibition and for reasons unknown Bones laughs hysterically every time. He yells at his mother that “it’s no skin off his rear” when she sends him to his room, exclaims “he’s about to mosey on up to Taco Bell” and questions “where in the tarnation his britches are?” Bones caught the bug and recently told a sandwich artist at subway, “not to be stingy with the fixens my stomach is growling something fierce.” Your loyal narrator has been looking into retirement homes where he could find a place to rest his hat and appreciate the hospitality.

Why is your brothers name on facebook now Seth “J-Quan, Birdman, String Bean” Gill?

(John in Denver)

If writing a blog makes Bones a loser what does writing a blog that is dominated by his little brother make him? Anyways, I will answer the question. My loyal readers know that J-Quan derives from Seth’s middle school days on the block shooting dice and wearing nothing but Mitchell and Ness. Chris “Birdman” Anderson was instrumental in helping Seth through rehab at the age of 15 (not true, don’t call me Mom). String Bean is a recent addition predicated on Seth’s decision to became a professional wrestler. He states that he will wear a full body length green spandex outfit that will also cover his face. His finishing move will be the stringer in which he rips his head through the top of the spandex while jumping off the top rope and lands on the groin of his victim. Every statement string bean utters will be followed simply by him yelling “String Bean.” The following is a recent example, “Mom I looked my teacher square in the face and said I ain’t taking your test devil woman. I then put the whole thing in my mouth, swallowed it, and gave her the stringer. String Bean!”

I was looking through your facebook photos and saw that someone you were with actually has the polo symbol tattooed on his chest. Is this real and how do you know this kid? (Hannah in Montana)

Yes, Hannah, the tattoo is all to real. Bones has been good friends with this clown since his junior year in high school. Ricky, could a kid with that tattoo have a creepier name, used to come “scoop” your loyal narrator in the “nug” nearly every friday. His car was known as the nug because he spray painted the entire car with gold spray paint and then proceeded to let all his friends sign it. Ricky and Bones made a great team as he is the bravest (or dumbest) person ever to walk this earth and Bones is terrified of getting in trouble. Because of this Bones could make rationale decisions about how to not get arrested when Ricky had covered aisle 15 in Wal-Mart with bisquick and slid across the entire store, made it rain with every napkin in the entire Hardees before making it rain existed, followed the cleaning crew around McDonald’s with a dust pan and yelled “gooooaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllll” everytime something was swept into it or waited until the manager of CiCi’s called the cops about him putting Sprite in his water cup and then thrown 86 pennies at the guy while he was on the phone. It may have taken him seven years and a regrettable night at the tattoo parlor to graduate college but fear not because he is currently living in Arlington where he is, “the head pimp in charge in that piece, stacking cash, being the illest and living life to the fullest everyday. I’m fresh, Straight up!”

I’m more of a genetic freak than Zues and Serena William’s son. I dominate sportscenter top 10 and have the potential to be the greatest power forward of all-time yet no one can come up with a decent nickname for me. Help me out Bones!

(Blake in LA)

Blake, what’s up? Huge fan. Your nickname should be league pass. It derives from the fact that countless NBA fans will be ordering league pass throughout your career simply because of you. I know its simple but that’s what so great about it. It’s not forced like the “black mamba” or generic like “d-wade: it just flows. Imagine anyone but Stuart Scott saying, “League pass has led the Clippers back to relevancy.” Or, “double-doubles are like breathing to league pass.” Sounds right as rain to Bones. You’re welcome.

Is Black and Yellow the best song of all time? (Charlie in Baltimore)

Yes. In related news Bones convinced one of his friends that Wiz Khalifa was white (and this idiot is a soon to be a lawyer) and the Steelers are his pick to win the Super Bowl. Uh huh you know it is.

To close Iron Mike would like to defend "Belts are to Keep Your Pants Up." "At times, I come across as crude or crass, that irritates you when I come across like a Neanderthal or a babbling idiot at times. But I like to be that person. I like to show you all that person because that's who you come to see." Well Said Mike. Everyone enjoy the weekend.