So much cooler online

Bones knows that most people think he is lucky to be a world renowned blogger. When he skypes with his merely mortal friends from a 5 star hotel in London or uploads a picture from the Eifel Tower on facebook using his chocolate the comments from his friends are always the same; "Keep living the dream Bones.", "I would leave my wife and kids in a second to have your life you stallion.", It's not fair that you're talented, rich, good looking and single." While your loyal narrator cannot deny that he won the genetic lottery he must admit that at times he envies the boring, monotonous life his friends live. You see, when Bones was a young child he did not dream of being a ingenious writer and global icon. The dreams he had in the quadruple bunk bed he and his brothers slept in were much simpler. He dreamed of getting married young, popping out a bunch of chillens with his wife Betsy, there were different versions of Betsy but she always had pig tails and wore overalls, and buying a small plot of land. Bones imagined being the best husband and father alive. His family would make their living by making a delicious jam that would be taken to market and sold on the weekends but mostly they would survive off love.
Unfortunately, fame has made this life a near impossibility for Bones. As beautiful as South American models are Bones doesn't trust their intentions and they sure as hell do not know how to make a thick, delicious preserve. For this reason Bones recently created an alternate identity and joined the dating service zoosk.com. He hopes for a woman to fall in love with him because of his sweet chat messages without ever knowing his true identity. He chose the name Omen Trula, bubbles82 was already taken, and went to work. So far he has been requested for 2 chats, has 3 friends and has been viewed 17 times but alas he has not found love. Below are your lonely narrators answers to the websites questions. Ladies, if you're picking up what Omen is putting down please wink me.

Zoosk: What is your personal story?
Omen: I was born a poor, black child. J/K movie quote from "The Jerk" one of my faves. My story is only is only its beginning chapters I like to believe. The climax will be when I find the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. Family wise I adopted by a loving, poker playing man in his mid 40s. His friends called him Aces but to me he has always simply been dad. We had a cat, a dog and a fish. The dog ate both and I tried to eat the dang dog. That story just shows how much I love animals.

Zoosk: Please describe your ideal match.
Omen: My perfect match has no physical description. It is a woman who embraces each day with a rare vigor. It is a woman who walks into a room and commands attention but is to modest to notice. It is a woman who looks for the best in everyone and can bring the best out of Omen. She must love her job but not be consumed by it, love her religion but not be blinded by it and love her independence but be ready to surrender it. In essence, she must be her own person but also be willing to be one with Omen.

Zoosk: What's your ideal first date?
Omen: My ideal first date would be arriving to pick a woman at her apartment and being invited inside. She would proceed to tell me about herself for hours with no inhibitions. It would be like solving a complex puzzle as piece after piece of her beauty was revealed through her words. Hopefully the weather would cooperate and we could go eat a nice, decetant, light meal on an outside patio. I would display my inner most gentleman as I revolved the conversation around her and made her feel at ease. My wants and needs will be secondary as they would be throughout the entire relationship. We would then go for a casual stroll and I would return her home early leaving both of us longing for a second date.

Random thing that bothers Bones: Miranda Lambert

Dear Miranda,

You can't steal someone else's husband, Blake Shelton, and then sing every song about how awful men have been to you.

Love,

Bones