I am fired up for many reasons this weekend. All my boys from college are in town, I am involved in a betting challenge (1200 virtual dollars to be wagered on 7 games winner gets a lil john pimp cup) against people from his least favorite city (Boston) and I LOVE my picks. When Bones landed in Florida last friday 8 hours after the estimated arrival time the flight attendant come over the loud speaker and said, "We apologize we could not get you here on time but at least we got you here safely." Basically saying we know we didn't do our job but at least your still alive. As rediculous as this comment is it relates to my picks the last 2 weeks. A respectable 13-9-1 on the year the "Travis Henry Locks" of the week have been a painfully mediocre 3-3 and 2-2-1 the last two weeks. So while I have also not been doing my job at least you're not dead. But this weekend I will be the anti airline, I will get the job done on time while making you money. Without furthur ado here they are.
Notre Dame -4.5 vs. Pitt on NBC) The only thing that scares me about the game is the public is all over the Irish. However, that one negative can not persuade me not to take them. That would be like not dating Jennifer Anniston because she used to go steady with the lead singer from the Counting Crows. The reasons to take the Irish are plenty: Dr. Lou picked them to win which is rare, Pitt is coached by Tom Sellick and most importantly the players on Pitt will be far to busy taking bets on where Charlie Weiss' belly button is in relation to his belt to concentrate on the game. If someone asked me I do not think I could come within a foot. All these important factors will result in an easy Irish vicory. ND 37, Pitt 17.
Georgia plus 6.5 vs. Florida) Bones needs to be at this game but alas I cannot venture to Florida back to back weeks. This will be a ridiculously enertaining game. I would rather just sit back and relax then worry about the spread but the people need money so they will be blessed with a pick. Both teams had preseason aspirations of winning the National Championship, both played poor early, suffered a disapointing loss and are playing their best football right now. To me that sounds like two evenly matched teams, so I will take the team getting 6.5 points at a neutral sight. Plus, the late, great Ray Charles never parted his lips and sang Florida, Flllooooorida. Gators 31, Dawgs 28.
Texas minus 3 at Texas Tech ABC) Every week people say that Texas isn't going to win and every week they do. People that say this is a trap game have never played sports. Bones never played in front if 50,000 but played enough to know if you are ranked #1 in the country and you're playing a top 10 team in front of that many people you are not going to come out flat. Plus, no one has come close to stopping Texas what makes people think the Raiders can do the job. Before you send some V chips to an island offshore or call your bookie say Colt McCoy out loud 10x and I guarentee you will arive at the right decision. Texas 45, Texas Tech 38.
Sunday)
Packers plus 4.5 at Titans) The Titans are very good but they are not great. They are going to slip up at some point and I think this is the spot. Al Harris, one of the 80 members of Bob Marley and the Wailers that is currently in the NFL, is back and Aaron Rodgers is quietly having a great season. The Packers will get up early and hold on for an upset win. Packers 21, Titans 20.
Seahawks plus 6.5 vs. Eagles) This pick makes absolutely no sense. But once again when 80 percent of the public is on a team and the line moves the opposite direction Vegas knows something Bones doesn't. I think the Eagles will go into Seattle and destroy what has been a pitiful squad so far. However, I will take Seattle in hopes Terrell Davis' mom gives Donovan McNabb too much chunky soup and the Seahawks keep it close. Eagles 23, Seahawks 17.
The Redskins have a huge game this weekend. To beat the Steelers and get to 7-2 going into the bye week would be absolutely incredible and unexpected. I will never advise people to bet on teams I like but it just looks like they will get it done. Every week more and more people are Zorn again and I know Tony Siragusa will not be on the field for my team's game!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
That's what I'm talking about
What I will discuss today in the "Weekly things that bother Bones section" has been irking me since the first time I ever stepped into a rest room at a sporting event. Trips to Men's rooms during a crowded occasion rank slightly above when my dad came to school and gave the sex ed talk to my 6th grade class in the totem pole of events I would like to forget. "But Bones, no one likes public restrooms. We all know they are crowded and disgusting!" Sadly, it is not the filth and overpopulation that irks me. It is the strange behavior that overtakes seemingly normal humans when they enter past the door with the faceless man on it. My system has been given a shock by hundreds that display these actions so I will only list the most disturbing and habitual perpatraitors.
The talker/moaner: People that want to make noise while they relieve themselves in the comfort of their own home should by all means go for it. However, in a public restroom it's simply not neccesary. Any man that has frequented a bathroom has cowered in fear as the violator lets out a moan like he is recieving a massage from a Swedish model the second the process commences. As if this is not horrific enough in some instances this person will talk to the process. I am not sure how you talk to a process but it occurs. They ussually mutter something like, "Yea, that's what I am talking about." That's what you are talking about? Were you expecting a different result then the first a million times you did this or have you recently started using FloMax? Either way I propose a law making talking while at the urinal illegal. Violators will be kicked out of the event and monitored in the future.
The Looker: The looker is the bathroom bandit that worries me the most. We have all caught a glimpse of one of the linesmates in our shift at the unrinal by accident but this guy makes it a habit. You have been waiting in line for what seems like an hour after having to hold it the entire second quarter. The last thing you need when you finally get a chance to exhale is to worry about some guy checking your guy out. My proposed punishment for this is instant arrest and a lifetime ban from the stadium or venue.
The Long urinator: All frequenters of public events have unfortunately encountered one of these. The man who seems convinced that the longer you urinate the more likely it is that everyone in the bathroom thinks you could work in the adult film industry. This robber of the 3rd quarter kickoff stands in front of the troft longer than the average man stays in a stall. About a minute into the process he always turns his head over the shoulder and looks at the rest of his line mockingly, as if to say, "Yea, this is going to be awhile and you know what that means." Fortunately, I don't. I have heard of big hands and feet meaning that but they have been dismissed as myths. We can do the same with the long urinator. Those accused of this shall be forced to use stalls from now on.
The shaker/leaner: I was told by a teacher in high school that if you shake it more than once you're playing with it. While I have always heeded this advice is public restrooms we have all ran into someone who never recieved or defiantly ignored the suggestion. When this guy's stream finishes he immediately begins to shake his member like he has been tasered in an apparent attempt to eliminate the possibility of ever having to go again. Sometimes, he will lean both hands against the wall and simply shake his body. Fans convicted of this will be forced to watch the rest of the event wearing a straight jacket.
There is no time to waste! The next time Bones goes to an event he expects to see a colony of bathroom bandit officers in every latrine.
The talker/moaner: People that want to make noise while they relieve themselves in the comfort of their own home should by all means go for it. However, in a public restroom it's simply not neccesary. Any man that has frequented a bathroom has cowered in fear as the violator lets out a moan like he is recieving a massage from a Swedish model the second the process commences. As if this is not horrific enough in some instances this person will talk to the process. I am not sure how you talk to a process but it occurs. They ussually mutter something like, "Yea, that's what I am talking about." That's what you are talking about? Were you expecting a different result then the first a million times you did this or have you recently started using FloMax? Either way I propose a law making talking while at the urinal illegal. Violators will be kicked out of the event and monitored in the future.
The Looker: The looker is the bathroom bandit that worries me the most. We have all caught a glimpse of one of the linesmates in our shift at the unrinal by accident but this guy makes it a habit. You have been waiting in line for what seems like an hour after having to hold it the entire second quarter. The last thing you need when you finally get a chance to exhale is to worry about some guy checking your guy out. My proposed punishment for this is instant arrest and a lifetime ban from the stadium or venue.
The Long urinator: All frequenters of public events have unfortunately encountered one of these. The man who seems convinced that the longer you urinate the more likely it is that everyone in the bathroom thinks you could work in the adult film industry. This robber of the 3rd quarter kickoff stands in front of the troft longer than the average man stays in a stall. About a minute into the process he always turns his head over the shoulder and looks at the rest of his line mockingly, as if to say, "Yea, this is going to be awhile and you know what that means." Fortunately, I don't. I have heard of big hands and feet meaning that but they have been dismissed as myths. We can do the same with the long urinator. Those accused of this shall be forced to use stalls from now on.
The shaker/leaner: I was told by a teacher in high school that if you shake it more than once you're playing with it. While I have always heeded this advice is public restrooms we have all ran into someone who never recieved or defiantly ignored the suggestion. When this guy's stream finishes he immediately begins to shake his member like he has been tasered in an apparent attempt to eliminate the possibility of ever having to go again. Sometimes, he will lean both hands against the wall and simply shake his body. Fans convicted of this will be forced to watch the rest of the event wearing a straight jacket.
There is no time to waste! The next time Bones goes to an event he expects to see a colony of bathroom bandit officers in every latrine.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
It's Fantastic!
The NBA season is minutes away from starting and Bones has never been happier. Yes, I know this great country is now run by the NFL but to me nothing beats the NBA. Individual NFL games are definitely more important, more fun and more intense but you can only realistically watch 4 games a week while in the NBA you can watch almost that many in a night. And No, I do not like college basketball better. In college most guys who are 6'10 struggle to make it up and down the court and look more awkward outside the paint then the guys on the Pick Up Artist due in the field. In the NBA 6'10 guys like Amare Stoudamire and Dirk Nowitzki can not only run the floor but also can hit jumper after jumper with relative ease. In college Randolph Childress and J.J. Reddick are stars, in the NBA they are to short, to slow and to weak. These guys are simply the best athletes in the world and yes they coast from time to time but if you played 41 road games the night after having VIP access to the best clubs in the world wouldn't you? With my love for the NBA oozing out of my pores I will attempt to enter the seven most important questions entering the upcoming season.
7) Will Mike D'Antoni make the Knicks relevant again?
My answer to this is an emphatic yes. Just a few of the many reasons D'Antoni will be better than his predecessor Isiah Thomas: He does not eat all his meals at Red Lobster, he can grow facial hair, he has never said it is part of his culture to refer to women as "bitches" and he actually has a basketball philosophy. New York's roster still looks like an auto picked fantasy team but there is potentail there. David Lee and Nate Robinson both seem like perfect fits for a team run by D'Antoni and Zach Randolph should get enough shots to make him play relatively hard. The Knicks will not be great but in the weaker conference I think a 7th or 8th place finish is not out of the question.
6) Will Elton Brand be able to take the Sixers to the next level?
No, call me crazy but if I was a GM it would hard for me to justify giving franchise player money to a guy coming off a ruptures achilles whose voice is the opposite of Barry White's. Elton Brand is a great player but he does not put the Sixers ahead of the Celtics, Pistons or Cavs. It is possible the Sixers will sneak into the second round but they are still a year or two away from being relevant.
5) How will the Mavericks respond to Rick Carlisle?
Although, I am as big of an Avery Johnson as there is the Mavericks will be better this year. Sometimes in the NBA it is simply time for a change. You can only expect grown men to listen to Lil Penny for so long. Although Carlisle is also known as a rigid coach the Mavericks will be playing with a newfound vigor this year. Dirk's locks will be flowing, the Jet will be draining deep threes and Josh Howard will be shooting 15 foul shots a game while the lyrics of Bob Marley echo is his head just like old times.
4) Is it the end of the road for the Pistons?
Bones, like the guys from Boys 2 Men is not ready for this ride to be over and is trying to convince himself the boys from Mo Town have something left in the tank. Realistically, it looks like another Eastern Conference finals exit but if Rodney Stuckey and Amir Johnson step up and have huge years you never know. It will be interesting to see how the Pistons react to having Flip Saunders replaced by former Piston Michael Curry. Curry who in a heated contest barely beat out Kurt Rambis as the worst shooter in NBA history, is supposed to light a fire under this group of perrenially undermotivated group. We will see.
3) Is it the end of the road for the Spurs?
No, it is not! The Spurs will start out 15-14 or something like that as they do every year and Tim Legler like he does every year will declare them dead. In-between this proclamation and the end of the season Legler will look in the mirror over 1,000 times and the Spurs will rebound to win 50 games. The combination of Parker and Duncan will be able to tread water until Ginobili comes back and they will end up being a factor just like they always are.
2)Is LeBron James human?
This is debatable. I heard on the television the other day that somehow he is still growing and is now almost 6'10 and weighs 255. That is just propostorous. It is hard not to wonder what type of numbers he would put up in a normal system. But alas, he plays for Cleveland. Mike Brown should win Coach of the Year every year for the sole reason that he can make a team with possibly the most exciting player ever tought to watch. If D'Antoni is still in New York when King James ascends upon the Big Apple he could possibly average 40, 8 and 8. For now we will just have to be content with the handful of "holy hell he was higher than Josh Howard moments" and a bunch of shots of Brown adjusting his glasses while thinking of ways to prolong Zydrunas Ilgauskas's career.
1) Will the Lakers and Celtics meet again in the finals?
The answer is probably yes. Now for some more important questions. Would you take the over or under of how many showers Pau Gasol takes a year if the line was set at 3.5? If Gasol wore a tight black pants, a vest with shoulder pads and donned a red cape would him posing as a bull fighter not be the greatest Halloween costume of all time? Picture it before you answer. What type of shampoo does Sasha Vulijic wear to get that kind of texture and glow? As for the Celtics, Do you think Gus Frerrotte has ever called KG and warned him about the danger of assuming just because a surface is padded you can head butt it as hard as you want? Is Rajon Rando the best real name of a professional athlete ever? Can anyone think of a worse NBA Jam team than Brian Scalabrine and Scott Pollard? On that note, let the season begin.
7) Will Mike D'Antoni make the Knicks relevant again?
My answer to this is an emphatic yes. Just a few of the many reasons D'Antoni will be better than his predecessor Isiah Thomas: He does not eat all his meals at Red Lobster, he can grow facial hair, he has never said it is part of his culture to refer to women as "bitches" and he actually has a basketball philosophy. New York's roster still looks like an auto picked fantasy team but there is potentail there. David Lee and Nate Robinson both seem like perfect fits for a team run by D'Antoni and Zach Randolph should get enough shots to make him play relatively hard. The Knicks will not be great but in the weaker conference I think a 7th or 8th place finish is not out of the question.
6) Will Elton Brand be able to take the Sixers to the next level?
No, call me crazy but if I was a GM it would hard for me to justify giving franchise player money to a guy coming off a ruptures achilles whose voice is the opposite of Barry White's. Elton Brand is a great player but he does not put the Sixers ahead of the Celtics, Pistons or Cavs. It is possible the Sixers will sneak into the second round but they are still a year or two away from being relevant.
5) How will the Mavericks respond to Rick Carlisle?
Although, I am as big of an Avery Johnson as there is the Mavericks will be better this year. Sometimes in the NBA it is simply time for a change. You can only expect grown men to listen to Lil Penny for so long. Although Carlisle is also known as a rigid coach the Mavericks will be playing with a newfound vigor this year. Dirk's locks will be flowing, the Jet will be draining deep threes and Josh Howard will be shooting 15 foul shots a game while the lyrics of Bob Marley echo is his head just like old times.
4) Is it the end of the road for the Pistons?
Bones, like the guys from Boys 2 Men is not ready for this ride to be over and is trying to convince himself the boys from Mo Town have something left in the tank. Realistically, it looks like another Eastern Conference finals exit but if Rodney Stuckey and Amir Johnson step up and have huge years you never know. It will be interesting to see how the Pistons react to having Flip Saunders replaced by former Piston Michael Curry. Curry who in a heated contest barely beat out Kurt Rambis as the worst shooter in NBA history, is supposed to light a fire under this group of perrenially undermotivated group. We will see.
3) Is it the end of the road for the Spurs?
No, it is not! The Spurs will start out 15-14 or something like that as they do every year and Tim Legler like he does every year will declare them dead. In-between this proclamation and the end of the season Legler will look in the mirror over 1,000 times and the Spurs will rebound to win 50 games. The combination of Parker and Duncan will be able to tread water until Ginobili comes back and they will end up being a factor just like they always are.
2)Is LeBron James human?
This is debatable. I heard on the television the other day that somehow he is still growing and is now almost 6'10 and weighs 255. That is just propostorous. It is hard not to wonder what type of numbers he would put up in a normal system. But alas, he plays for Cleveland. Mike Brown should win Coach of the Year every year for the sole reason that he can make a team with possibly the most exciting player ever tought to watch. If D'Antoni is still in New York when King James ascends upon the Big Apple he could possibly average 40, 8 and 8. For now we will just have to be content with the handful of "holy hell he was higher than Josh Howard moments" and a bunch of shots of Brown adjusting his glasses while thinking of ways to prolong Zydrunas Ilgauskas's career.
1) Will the Lakers and Celtics meet again in the finals?
The answer is probably yes. Now for some more important questions. Would you take the over or under of how many showers Pau Gasol takes a year if the line was set at 3.5? If Gasol wore a tight black pants, a vest with shoulder pads and donned a red cape would him posing as a bull fighter not be the greatest Halloween costume of all time? Picture it before you answer. What type of shampoo does Sasha Vulijic wear to get that kind of texture and glow? As for the Celtics, Do you think Gus Frerrotte has ever called KG and warned him about the danger of assuming just because a surface is padded you can head butt it as hard as you want? Is Rajon Rando the best real name of a professional athlete ever? Can anyone think of a worse NBA Jam team than Brian Scalabrine and Scott Pollard? On that note, let the season begin.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
You could have gone down the street
The "weekly thing that bothers me section" has returned because of extremely high demand. The blog was actually temporarily shut down because google could not handle the ammount of traffic on the website that was being created by desperate requests made by desperate people. People who simply wanted to know what is bothering Bones. Fear no more my friends it has returned. What has really been bothering Bones this week is people who believe that they are smarter than the average American because they "save" 4 cents a gallon on gas. I have been part of or overheard the following conversation countless times in the last few months.
Normal Person 1: "Man I just got gas it sure is expensive these days."
Not Normal Person: "Where do you go?"
Normal Person: "The Texaco on Broad it was like $3.60"
Not Normal Person: "Pssssh Well uh, yea, of course your complaining it is only $3.56 at the Amoco a block down the street."
Everytime this conversation occurs I wish everyone involved was suddenly in a laundry room so I could throw this person in a dryer and leave. It is absolutely shocking to me how people will drive around town in effort to find gas that is 4 cents cheaper. At one point in my life I drove a Suburban, it used to be filled up $4 at a time because I had just graduated college and was living at the beach scooping ice cream, but let's say a normal person is driving a Suburban and fills up the entire 40 gallon tank. Those Louis & Clark's of low gas prices out there would save a whopping $1.60 cents per fill up. In a normal car you would about 50 cents and that is before you take out the amount of time spent driving around to find the cheapest gas. I am all for people making good economic decisions but next time you hear a conversation like this do the country a favor and let this person know exactly how Bones feels about this situation. Speaking of strong economic decision it is time for the "Travis Henry locks of the Week." Those who have been complaining about last week's subpar 3-3 performance remember I am 11-7 on the year and treading water is better than drowning.
Saturday)
12:30 ESPN Game Plan Kentucky plus 25.5 at Florida) "But Bones Florida beat LSU by 30." Yes this is true but that was a night game when the players and fans had all day to get jacked up and some French guy on LSU actually said he was going to hurt Tim Tebow. Florida has been inconsistent all year and I do not see them repeating that performance. The Wildcats are playing the polar opposite of their previous teams and have one of the best defenses in the nation. They lost at Alabama by a mere 3 points and shut out a decent Louisville team. Although, I will sleep with a night lite on for picking against Tebow's Gators I think Kentucky covers. Florida 31, Kentucky 13.
3:30 ABC Oklahoma State plus 12 at Texas) Last week I did claim that picking against someone with the name Colt McCoy is utterly rediculous but last week Colt was not playing against a team coached by a man like Mike Gundy. He's 40! This is Texas' third straight huge game and the Cowboys have been impressive all year. On a more serious not whatever happened to that writer that Gundy, after practicing over 100x in front of a mirror, destroyed during that 20 minute tirade? I bet her and Steve Bartman got married and their bedroom looks like Ray Finkel's in Ace Ventura but with Cubs and Cowboys gear. Laces out! Texas 35, Oklahoma State 27.
8:00 ABC Ohio State plus 2.5 vs Penn State) What is the deal with this ESPN on ABC garbage. Yes, I know they are owned by the same company but I am tired of having to run out of the room when they flash to Stuart Scott as he prepares to ask me what's good? Stuart, what would be good is if you decided to host a game show called, "how to let people know you are not from the inner city by trying to talk like you are" but until then I simply do not have an answer. Anyways, I know there are a million reasons Penn State should win this game but I cannot bring myself to bet against Ohio State in a Big Ten game. Ohio State 21 Penn State 20.
Sunday)
1 p.m. on FOX Panthers -4 vs. Cardinals) Arizona is 1-2 on the road this year with that win coming over the mighty 49Ers. The Panthers dismantled the Saints last week at home and this week should be more of the same. Carolina will get pressure on Kurt Warner and loose body parts and the football will start flying all over the field. If Steve Smith punched you in the face and you were now known as that guy that got punched in the face would you really want him to give you the ball after he scored a touchdown drawing more attention to the fact that he punched you in the face. Panthers 31, Cardinals 20.
Monday)
8:30 on ESPN Titans -4 vs. Colts) Did anyone else see the highlight of Landele White's 70 yard touchdown run. You cannot tell me as you were watchin that you didn't think to yourself that might have been the only td of over a yard I actually think I would have had a chance to score on. The reason for picking against the Colts again is they are just not that good this year. They got dismantled on the road last week against a lesser team than the Titans. Titans 21, Colts 14.
Does it really matter who you play in the NFL? I have been just as worried during this 3 game string the Redskins finish Sunday against the Rams, Browns and Lions as I was when the won at Philly and Dallas. A win here would result in a huge Monday Night game against the Steelers right before the bye week. Good luck this week and I hope Tony Siragusa is not on the field for your teams' game.
Normal Person 1: "Man I just got gas it sure is expensive these days."
Not Normal Person: "Where do you go?"
Normal Person: "The Texaco on Broad it was like $3.60"
Not Normal Person: "Pssssh Well uh, yea, of course your complaining it is only $3.56 at the Amoco a block down the street."
Everytime this conversation occurs I wish everyone involved was suddenly in a laundry room so I could throw this person in a dryer and leave. It is absolutely shocking to me how people will drive around town in effort to find gas that is 4 cents cheaper. At one point in my life I drove a Suburban, it used to be filled up $4 at a time because I had just graduated college and was living at the beach scooping ice cream, but let's say a normal person is driving a Suburban and fills up the entire 40 gallon tank. Those Louis & Clark's of low gas prices out there would save a whopping $1.60 cents per fill up. In a normal car you would about 50 cents and that is before you take out the amount of time spent driving around to find the cheapest gas. I am all for people making good economic decisions but next time you hear a conversation like this do the country a favor and let this person know exactly how Bones feels about this situation. Speaking of strong economic decision it is time for the "Travis Henry locks of the Week." Those who have been complaining about last week's subpar 3-3 performance remember I am 11-7 on the year and treading water is better than drowning.
Saturday)
12:30 ESPN Game Plan Kentucky plus 25.5 at Florida) "But Bones Florida beat LSU by 30." Yes this is true but that was a night game when the players and fans had all day to get jacked up and some French guy on LSU actually said he was going to hurt Tim Tebow. Florida has been inconsistent all year and I do not see them repeating that performance. The Wildcats are playing the polar opposite of their previous teams and have one of the best defenses in the nation. They lost at Alabama by a mere 3 points and shut out a decent Louisville team. Although, I will sleep with a night lite on for picking against Tebow's Gators I think Kentucky covers. Florida 31, Kentucky 13.
3:30 ABC Oklahoma State plus 12 at Texas) Last week I did claim that picking against someone with the name Colt McCoy is utterly rediculous but last week Colt was not playing against a team coached by a man like Mike Gundy. He's 40! This is Texas' third straight huge game and the Cowboys have been impressive all year. On a more serious not whatever happened to that writer that Gundy, after practicing over 100x in front of a mirror, destroyed during that 20 minute tirade? I bet her and Steve Bartman got married and their bedroom looks like Ray Finkel's in Ace Ventura but with Cubs and Cowboys gear. Laces out! Texas 35, Oklahoma State 27.
8:00 ABC Ohio State plus 2.5 vs Penn State) What is the deal with this ESPN on ABC garbage. Yes, I know they are owned by the same company but I am tired of having to run out of the room when they flash to Stuart Scott as he prepares to ask me what's good? Stuart, what would be good is if you decided to host a game show called, "how to let people know you are not from the inner city by trying to talk like you are" but until then I simply do not have an answer. Anyways, I know there are a million reasons Penn State should win this game but I cannot bring myself to bet against Ohio State in a Big Ten game. Ohio State 21 Penn State 20.
Sunday)
1 p.m. on FOX Panthers -4 vs. Cardinals) Arizona is 1-2 on the road this year with that win coming over the mighty 49Ers. The Panthers dismantled the Saints last week at home and this week should be more of the same. Carolina will get pressure on Kurt Warner and loose body parts and the football will start flying all over the field. If Steve Smith punched you in the face and you were now known as that guy that got punched in the face would you really want him to give you the ball after he scored a touchdown drawing more attention to the fact that he punched you in the face. Panthers 31, Cardinals 20.
Monday)
8:30 on ESPN Titans -4 vs. Colts) Did anyone else see the highlight of Landele White's 70 yard touchdown run. You cannot tell me as you were watchin that you didn't think to yourself that might have been the only td of over a yard I actually think I would have had a chance to score on. The reason for picking against the Colts again is they are just not that good this year. They got dismantled on the road last week against a lesser team than the Titans. Titans 21, Colts 14.
Does it really matter who you play in the NFL? I have been just as worried during this 3 game string the Redskins finish Sunday against the Rams, Browns and Lions as I was when the won at Philly and Dallas. A win here would result in a huge Monday Night game against the Steelers right before the bye week. Good luck this week and I hope Tony Siragusa is not on the field for your teams' game.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Monday Night Football
Did not get a chance to bless the blagosphere today so I decided to to give a running commentary on tonights game. "But Bones other people have already done that." To that I say millions of men had done the "hip hip hooray" chant before this season but that did not stop Jim Zorn from perfecting it.
8:28: Is it possible that HD television is the best and worst invention of all time? It is undeniable it makes sports, close ups of cheerleaders and Kate from Lost look incredible. It also blatantly obvious that Tony Kornheiser's combover and Mike Tirico's hairline running away were not meant to be viewed in high definition. One of my roomates pointed out that Kornheiser wears an unbelivable amount of jewelry that looks like it was bought at a pawn shop. I had never noticed but it seriously looks like he traded a 16 inch black and white tv with a busted antenna for whatever is dangling from his wrist.
8:42: Not sure how to feel about the potential broken finger hampering Cutler. This would mean my fantasy week and season are all but over but Patrick Ramsey would get in the game. Millions just uttered who the hell wants to see him play? Bones does, that is who. I and dozens of others were convinced Ramsey would save the Redskins franchise until he became "injury prone." I would say being injury prone might have had something to do with Steve Spurrier's blocking schemes giving him about as much chance of dodging tacklers as civilians have of dodging Cowboys fans jumping off the bandwagon. It looked like he was destined to get another chance until Joe Gibbs decided he wanted to start a quarterback that was almost as old as he was and traded for Mark Brunell. Even though Brunell couldn't throw the ball farther than 5 yards and took several years off my life expectancy he fought his guts out every Sunday and could grow a pretty decent beard. An appearance by Ramsey would also assure an epic exchange of words between "Jaws" and Kornheiser. The topic has already been vehemently discussed in preseason with Jaworski siding with Ramsey while Kornheiser bashed him.
9:05: Did Kornheiser just say you could roast marshmellows on Shanahan's forehead? That brings up a plethora of other questions: Why would preparing a s'more on someone's face ever cross your mind? How many people just said to themselvs some more of what? Followed by your killing me Smalls? Did he say that because Shanahan is mad or because he always looks like he fell asleep under the tanning bed no matter the season? Does the Broncos Head Coach go tanning, stand on top of the Rockies when there are wind advisories or simply hold his breath the entire game to make his face look like that?
9:40: This game is pretty tough to watch, flipping channels I just saw that guy Perez Hilton guy on an MTV commercial. Is their any away we can trade him to another country? How about France? If Bones was the President and they proposed taking him if we would only eat croisants and shun deodorant for a week then he would be on the next flight out of the country. What is Cutler doing? All I need is for him to have more points than Matt Casell in order to avoid being eliminated in my fantasy league's suicide pool and he cannot get it done. "Suicide fantasy pool" are 3 words that should never be put together again, ever.
9:48: "That injury is really going to hurt Champ Bailey's chances in dancing with the stars." Kornheiser really just said that. How can he be so good on PTI and so abysmal as a broadcaster? The MNF broadcast booth is like Oakland, where talented people go to die. As I type this he just said "Big ups to Rodney Harrison." He must have looked at Stuart Scott's computer history and stumbled upon urbandictionary.com. 20-0 nothing at halftime, this is a debacle.
10:07: If France proposes to take this guy that comes on the Hills aftershow with the all black shades and vest I would throw in women in America not shaving their armpits for a week.
10:31: Did anyone else just see that? Another perfect example of my theory that hoodlums are beating up rich people and taking their tickets. Moss just put the Patriots up 27-0 to make this game even more unwatchable. After the score he does the "Gillette jump," uncleverly coined by Tirico, into the waiting arms of a guy with his face painted purple, a helmet from Nordic times and the NFL emblem tatoo. How did that guy get those tickets? They just showed him again and he also has Vikings and Packers tats. Aren't they rivals? Everytime for the rest of my life I start to think too much of my time is being spent watching sports this modern day Leaf Erickson will enter my mind and the game will be turned back on. There is definitely an unconcious person laying in the parking lot wearing an authentic Tom Brady Jersey, minus an extremely expensive ticket and rolex.
10:46: Is there any possibility future MNF games can be played in silence. Jaworski just made a "quack, quack quack" noise in response to an errant pass by Casel. If only this was Duck Hunt and I was 9 again! The toy gun would be 2 inches from the tv and I would pull the trigger the next time they showed the ex-Eagle in hopes it would silence him for the rest of the game. Flipping through channels again I stumbled upon a Jose Canseco reality show. He is recieving "testorone therapy" as he weens himself off steroids. Let's leave that alone. For all the good that has come out of reality television there is no way it outweighs the bad.
11:08: Thankfully for the reader I can no longer justify staying up for this game. It looks like Cutler will be outscored by Casel. The night has been a total waste except for Audrina being in a bikini for over half of the new Hills episode. Justin Bobby needs to make an instructional video titled "How to date dimes while treating showers and shaving like a virus."
8:28: Is it possible that HD television is the best and worst invention of all time? It is undeniable it makes sports, close ups of cheerleaders and Kate from Lost look incredible. It also blatantly obvious that Tony Kornheiser's combover and Mike Tirico's hairline running away were not meant to be viewed in high definition. One of my roomates pointed out that Kornheiser wears an unbelivable amount of jewelry that looks like it was bought at a pawn shop. I had never noticed but it seriously looks like he traded a 16 inch black and white tv with a busted antenna for whatever is dangling from his wrist.
8:42: Not sure how to feel about the potential broken finger hampering Cutler. This would mean my fantasy week and season are all but over but Patrick Ramsey would get in the game. Millions just uttered who the hell wants to see him play? Bones does, that is who. I and dozens of others were convinced Ramsey would save the Redskins franchise until he became "injury prone." I would say being injury prone might have had something to do with Steve Spurrier's blocking schemes giving him about as much chance of dodging tacklers as civilians have of dodging Cowboys fans jumping off the bandwagon. It looked like he was destined to get another chance until Joe Gibbs decided he wanted to start a quarterback that was almost as old as he was and traded for Mark Brunell. Even though Brunell couldn't throw the ball farther than 5 yards and took several years off my life expectancy he fought his guts out every Sunday and could grow a pretty decent beard. An appearance by Ramsey would also assure an epic exchange of words between "Jaws" and Kornheiser. The topic has already been vehemently discussed in preseason with Jaworski siding with Ramsey while Kornheiser bashed him.
9:05: Did Kornheiser just say you could roast marshmellows on Shanahan's forehead? That brings up a plethora of other questions: Why would preparing a s'more on someone's face ever cross your mind? How many people just said to themselvs some more of what? Followed by your killing me Smalls? Did he say that because Shanahan is mad or because he always looks like he fell asleep under the tanning bed no matter the season? Does the Broncos Head Coach go tanning, stand on top of the Rockies when there are wind advisories or simply hold his breath the entire game to make his face look like that?
9:40: This game is pretty tough to watch, flipping channels I just saw that guy Perez Hilton guy on an MTV commercial. Is their any away we can trade him to another country? How about France? If Bones was the President and they proposed taking him if we would only eat croisants and shun deodorant for a week then he would be on the next flight out of the country. What is Cutler doing? All I need is for him to have more points than Matt Casell in order to avoid being eliminated in my fantasy league's suicide pool and he cannot get it done. "Suicide fantasy pool" are 3 words that should never be put together again, ever.
9:48: "That injury is really going to hurt Champ Bailey's chances in dancing with the stars." Kornheiser really just said that. How can he be so good on PTI and so abysmal as a broadcaster? The MNF broadcast booth is like Oakland, where talented people go to die. As I type this he just said "Big ups to Rodney Harrison." He must have looked at Stuart Scott's computer history and stumbled upon urbandictionary.com. 20-0 nothing at halftime, this is a debacle.
10:07: If France proposes to take this guy that comes on the Hills aftershow with the all black shades and vest I would throw in women in America not shaving their armpits for a week.
10:31: Did anyone else just see that? Another perfect example of my theory that hoodlums are beating up rich people and taking their tickets. Moss just put the Patriots up 27-0 to make this game even more unwatchable. After the score he does the "Gillette jump," uncleverly coined by Tirico, into the waiting arms of a guy with his face painted purple, a helmet from Nordic times and the NFL emblem tatoo. How did that guy get those tickets? They just showed him again and he also has Vikings and Packers tats. Aren't they rivals? Everytime for the rest of my life I start to think too much of my time is being spent watching sports this modern day Leaf Erickson will enter my mind and the game will be turned back on. There is definitely an unconcious person laying in the parking lot wearing an authentic Tom Brady Jersey, minus an extremely expensive ticket and rolex.
10:46: Is there any possibility future MNF games can be played in silence. Jaworski just made a "quack, quack quack" noise in response to an errant pass by Casel. If only this was Duck Hunt and I was 9 again! The toy gun would be 2 inches from the tv and I would pull the trigger the next time they showed the ex-Eagle in hopes it would silence him for the rest of the game. Flipping through channels again I stumbled upon a Jose Canseco reality show. He is recieving "testorone therapy" as he weens himself off steroids. Let's leave that alone. For all the good that has come out of reality television there is no way it outweighs the bad.
11:08: Thankfully for the reader I can no longer justify staying up for this game. It looks like Cutler will be outscored by Casel. The night has been a total waste except for Audrina being in a bikini for over half of the new Hills episode. Justin Bobby needs to make an instructional video titled "How to date dimes while treating showers and shaving like a virus."
Friday, October 17, 2008
Greatest Comeback Ever?
Sadly, Bones cannot answer this question. Today's blog should be about the level of hatred I was feeling for the people of Boston during the different stages of their improbably victory last night. However, I like the rest of the world thought the Red Sox were dead. The television was on a riveting re-run of Scrubs while Big Papi brought Fenway to life with a 3-run shot. When I started getting calls that I was too close to sleep to answer it dawned on me that something had to be going on with the game so I switched back and saw it was 7-4. The game still seemed out of reach so I inexplicably returned to Scrubs and the next time my remote found TBS it was a one run game. So, all I really saw last night was a lot of Zach Braff and the eighth and ninth innings. I can make only the following observations about the game; Red Sox fans are ugly even when there happy, My mind has been changed and I am now rooting for the Rays to win the series, it was an amazing comeback even though I did not see it and Terry Francona has apparently solved the problem of double bubble's short flavor life by chewing a new piece every 10 seconds. With that in mind let's turn to what everyone has been waiting for all week. The masses are screaming, "Bones I might lose my job and the economy sucks but by golly this is America and I am going to gamble. What are this weeks "Travis Henry Locks of the Week?" Say no more my troubled friends here they are.
Saturday
12:30 hopefully available in high def with lots of shots of Georgia coeds) Georgia -14.5 vs. Vandy: "Bones you can't pick against Vandy 3 straight weeks." Why the hell not? This is America. It is abundantly clear they are still overrated and any team whose best player's name is Knoshown is alright by me. Georgia 31, Vandy 0.
3:30 available places in the South where you need satelite to get cable, So available in the South) Mississippi plus 12 at Alabama: Do you ever find yourself whispering M I S S I S S I P P I when you spell the home of Mark Twain? Hope it is not just me. Ole Miss has been solid all year, actually playing better on the road then at home and Alabama is not the type of team made to blow teams out.. More importantly, Do you think that Rebel players call their boss Coach Nutt? Alabama 31, Ole Miss 21.
8 ABC) Texas -4 vs. Missouri: This line perplexes me to say the least. It seems this is being viewed as a let down game but Mack Brown is 10-0 following the Oklahoma game so that logic is faulty. For me it comes down to the fact that no one should ever bet against someone named Colt McCoy. If Colt McCoy was my name I would introduce myself to anyone I ever came within 100 yards of me and love whichever one of my parents decided on the name way more. If it was the doctor's idea I would love him more than both. It seems it would be hard to go on with life when you will never be able to top the crowning achievement of recieving your name but Colt seems to be doing a pretty good job. I also wonder why Chase Daniel did not do crunches before the ESPN cover or at least suck in. Texas 41, Mizzou 30.
8 ESPN) South Carolina plus 2 over LSU: The reason to take South Carolina is the same reason you should have taken TCU last night. 80 percent of the public is on LSU but the line is moving the other direction. This means 1 of 2 things. Either vegas is trying to get even more people on LSU or all the big ballas on the west coast are laying it down on the Gamecocks. Either way it is good for South Carolina fans. If you combine this with the fact that Steve Spurrier will be wearing a visor during a night game you have to go with the home team. Gamecocks 21, LSU 17.
Sunday)
1 on CBS) Chargers pick'em at Buffallo: Is Boomer Esiason really talking smack to Troy Aikman? Did I just type smack? How will this conflict be settled. My proposal would be to have them participate in a quarterback challenge with the winner getting to throw the ball off the loser's face from 5 yards away 10 seconds before he goes on air. The guy who got drilled would not be allowed to wipe his his face off the whole first half. Back to the pick. I am going against Buffallo for three reasons: they have had an abysmal schedule thus far, their entire defense is listed as questionable or doubtful and they play some home games in Canada. That would be like picking a hockey team that has home games in America. What?? They have those? I am still going with San Diego. Chargers 28, Bills 24.
4:15 CBS) Packers plus 1.5 vs. Colts: Green Bay at home against a team that has one good game this season. Aaron Rodgers may have never won a Super Bowl but he has also never licked an Oreo dry on National Television. Take the Packers 21, Colts 20.
The Redskins will bounce back in a big way. If that happens and the Red Sox and Patriots lose I will have no complaints and you shouldn't either unless Tony Siragusa is on the field for your teams game.
Saturday
12:30 hopefully available in high def with lots of shots of Georgia coeds) Georgia -14.5 vs. Vandy: "Bones you can't pick against Vandy 3 straight weeks." Why the hell not? This is America. It is abundantly clear they are still overrated and any team whose best player's name is Knoshown is alright by me. Georgia 31, Vandy 0.
3:30 available places in the South where you need satelite to get cable, So available in the South) Mississippi plus 12 at Alabama: Do you ever find yourself whispering M I S S I S S I P P I when you spell the home of Mark Twain? Hope it is not just me. Ole Miss has been solid all year, actually playing better on the road then at home and Alabama is not the type of team made to blow teams out.. More importantly, Do you think that Rebel players call their boss Coach Nutt? Alabama 31, Ole Miss 21.
8 ABC) Texas -4 vs. Missouri: This line perplexes me to say the least. It seems this is being viewed as a let down game but Mack Brown is 10-0 following the Oklahoma game so that logic is faulty. For me it comes down to the fact that no one should ever bet against someone named Colt McCoy. If Colt McCoy was my name I would introduce myself to anyone I ever came within 100 yards of me and love whichever one of my parents decided on the name way more. If it was the doctor's idea I would love him more than both. It seems it would be hard to go on with life when you will never be able to top the crowning achievement of recieving your name but Colt seems to be doing a pretty good job. I also wonder why Chase Daniel did not do crunches before the ESPN cover or at least suck in. Texas 41, Mizzou 30.
8 ESPN) South Carolina plus 2 over LSU: The reason to take South Carolina is the same reason you should have taken TCU last night. 80 percent of the public is on LSU but the line is moving the other direction. This means 1 of 2 things. Either vegas is trying to get even more people on LSU or all the big ballas on the west coast are laying it down on the Gamecocks. Either way it is good for South Carolina fans. If you combine this with the fact that Steve Spurrier will be wearing a visor during a night game you have to go with the home team. Gamecocks 21, LSU 17.
Sunday)
1 on CBS) Chargers pick'em at Buffallo: Is Boomer Esiason really talking smack to Troy Aikman? Did I just type smack? How will this conflict be settled. My proposal would be to have them participate in a quarterback challenge with the winner getting to throw the ball off the loser's face from 5 yards away 10 seconds before he goes on air. The guy who got drilled would not be allowed to wipe his his face off the whole first half. Back to the pick. I am going against Buffallo for three reasons: they have had an abysmal schedule thus far, their entire defense is listed as questionable or doubtful and they play some home games in Canada. That would be like picking a hockey team that has home games in America. What?? They have those? I am still going with San Diego. Chargers 28, Bills 24.
4:15 CBS) Packers plus 1.5 vs. Colts: Green Bay at home against a team that has one good game this season. Aaron Rodgers may have never won a Super Bowl but he has also never licked an Oreo dry on National Television. Take the Packers 21, Colts 20.
The Redskins will bounce back in a big way. If that happens and the Red Sox and Patriots lose I will have no complaints and you shouldn't either unless Tony Siragusa is on the field for your teams game.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Matt Stairs?
In the last two nights the chances of a dream series between the Red Sox and the Dodgers were all but eliminated. Did I not clearly state last week that I would switch from a sideline report of Erin Andrews in the nude to see this series? So what the hell is going on?
The Dodgers shot at the title was ended by a Canadian of all people. It is undeniable Matt Stairs' bomb, which still has not landed, makes a great story. Stairs is a journeyman, whose closet probably contains nothing but jerseys from the 11 teams he has played for and flannel, and he comes in and hits one of the biggest home runs in Phillies' history. A 40 year old, whose only possible endorsement oppurtunity would be with jack links beef jerky if they inconcievably decided to end the messing with Sasquatch commercials, sticks a dagger into the Los Angeles Dodgers. In addition to propelling his team to the brink of the World Series the mammouth shot also produced one of the most awkward high fives of all time. When the ball left the yard, Jayson Werth looked at Greg Dobbs as if they were at a Star Trek convention and had just gotten William Shatner's autograph. Dobbs responded by slapping Werth's hand like Napolean Dynamite slapped the tetherball after he got rejected by Summer Sanders. Stairs has had a respectable career, but there is no way anyone expected a guy who has not had a hit in more than a month to hit a bomb off a pitcher who has not allowed one at home in almost three years. Unexpected heroes like Stairs are what makes the baseball postseason great. But I do not care about that. The only thing the home run combined with Boston getting outscored by a team that no one cares about 22-6 really means is that the dream scenario of Manny back in Boston is almost assuredly not going to happen.
Time for the daily "thing that bothers me section." Today there are actually two. Before I state the first thing that bothers let me preface it by saying that I do not judge people based on their education level, dress or occupation. There are plenty of millionaires that did not finish high school and there are who people who graduated from Princeton and have never held a steady job. This being said I cannot be the only one that notices that the fans shown in the front row at NFL games have to be beating people up in the parking lot and taking their tickets. Their is no other explanation. The people with the best seats in the stadium seriously all look like members of ZZ Top. I noticed this during the first Monday night game in Oakland and said to myself, come on Bones that is just Oakland. However, I have noticed it more in more over the ensuing weeks. I then tried to tell myself 3 6 mafia and the Grateful Dead have a ton of members and they might like football. But on monday I came to a realization that this could not be the case. With about a minute left in the first half of Cleveland's beat down of the Giants they showed a guy who looked like what I imagine John the Baptist would look like beating a dog bone against the padding in front of his 1st row seat on the 50. It is understandable that if he is trying to model his entire life after the saint than he is not spending much money at the grocery store. However, there is no way he is saving enough to shell out 2gs for season tickets. Either these guys are betting against Charles Barkley or mauling rich people in the parking lot and I want answers!
Second thing that bothers me is Tony Siragusa. He was a good football player, probably great guy and all that but he is an abysmal addition to any broadcast. Why does he have to state that he is on the field before everything he says? Everyone knows he is on the freaking field. He tells the viewer that they do not understand how big these guys are unless they are on the field over 100 times a game. Goose, everyone in the world knows that people who are 6'5 330 are massive. He says things like, "on the field you can really tell that Jason Campbell is talking a lot in the Redskins' huddle but I only know that because I am on the field." Wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that he is the one who gets the plays from the coach and the Redskins although well coached are not to the point yet where they can telepathically communicate with their quarterback? I am also bitter because he was "on the field" for the Skins loss to the Rams making Washington 0-30 all time when he does their games.
Just a reminder "Travis Henry locks of the Week" were 5-2. Bones, yes I am going third person because that is what you do when you have a unique gift, might have to start charging for these picks. Especially considering I almost guessed two scores, (Bones: UNC 28, ND 24, Actual: UNC 28, ND 23; Bones Miss State 17, Vandy 13, Actualy Miss State 17, Vandy 14) exactly.
The Dodgers shot at the title was ended by a Canadian of all people. It is undeniable Matt Stairs' bomb, which still has not landed, makes a great story. Stairs is a journeyman, whose closet probably contains nothing but jerseys from the 11 teams he has played for and flannel, and he comes in and hits one of the biggest home runs in Phillies' history. A 40 year old, whose only possible endorsement oppurtunity would be with jack links beef jerky if they inconcievably decided to end the messing with Sasquatch commercials, sticks a dagger into the Los Angeles Dodgers. In addition to propelling his team to the brink of the World Series the mammouth shot also produced one of the most awkward high fives of all time. When the ball left the yard, Jayson Werth looked at Greg Dobbs as if they were at a Star Trek convention and had just gotten William Shatner's autograph. Dobbs responded by slapping Werth's hand like Napolean Dynamite slapped the tetherball after he got rejected by Summer Sanders. Stairs has had a respectable career, but there is no way anyone expected a guy who has not had a hit in more than a month to hit a bomb off a pitcher who has not allowed one at home in almost three years. Unexpected heroes like Stairs are what makes the baseball postseason great. But I do not care about that. The only thing the home run combined with Boston getting outscored by a team that no one cares about 22-6 really means is that the dream scenario of Manny back in Boston is almost assuredly not going to happen.
Time for the daily "thing that bothers me section." Today there are actually two. Before I state the first thing that bothers let me preface it by saying that I do not judge people based on their education level, dress or occupation. There are plenty of millionaires that did not finish high school and there are who people who graduated from Princeton and have never held a steady job. This being said I cannot be the only one that notices that the fans shown in the front row at NFL games have to be beating people up in the parking lot and taking their tickets. Their is no other explanation. The people with the best seats in the stadium seriously all look like members of ZZ Top. I noticed this during the first Monday night game in Oakland and said to myself, come on Bones that is just Oakland. However, I have noticed it more in more over the ensuing weeks. I then tried to tell myself 3 6 mafia and the Grateful Dead have a ton of members and they might like football. But on monday I came to a realization that this could not be the case. With about a minute left in the first half of Cleveland's beat down of the Giants they showed a guy who looked like what I imagine John the Baptist would look like beating a dog bone against the padding in front of his 1st row seat on the 50. It is understandable that if he is trying to model his entire life after the saint than he is not spending much money at the grocery store. However, there is no way he is saving enough to shell out 2gs for season tickets. Either these guys are betting against Charles Barkley or mauling rich people in the parking lot and I want answers!
Second thing that bothers me is Tony Siragusa. He was a good football player, probably great guy and all that but he is an abysmal addition to any broadcast. Why does he have to state that he is on the field before everything he says? Everyone knows he is on the freaking field. He tells the viewer that they do not understand how big these guys are unless they are on the field over 100 times a game. Goose, everyone in the world knows that people who are 6'5 330 are massive. He says things like, "on the field you can really tell that Jason Campbell is talking a lot in the Redskins' huddle but I only know that because I am on the field." Wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that he is the one who gets the plays from the coach and the Redskins although well coached are not to the point yet where they can telepathically communicate with their quarterback? I am also bitter because he was "on the field" for the Skins loss to the Rams making Washington 0-30 all time when he does their games.
Just a reminder "Travis Henry locks of the Week" were 5-2. Bones, yes I am going third person because that is what you do when you have a unique gift, might have to start charging for these picks. Especially considering I almost guessed two scores, (Bones: UNC 28, ND 24, Actual: UNC 28, ND 23; Bones Miss State 17, Vandy 13, Actualy Miss State 17, Vandy 14) exactly.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Travis Henry Locks of the Week
I hope no one else watched that travesty of a football game last night. The ACC should seriously be forced to give up their BCS bid so a real football team can be added. The way it is looking Wake Forest or Virginia Tech will be playing against Utah or BYU in a BCS bowl. That would be the equivalent of Rosie O'Donnell taking on Star Jones in a bikini contest. Ok, it is friday which means it is time for the return of the "Travis Henry Locks of the week." I went 3-2 last week only because Sage Rosenfals decided it would be more fun to spin around like the propellor on those hats everyone has seen in cartoons but no one has actually seen in person than win the game. I mean how is it possible to blow a 17 point lead in five minutes when the other team does not even recover an onside kick? Aight, on with the picks.
2:30 on some station in Mississippi) Mississippi State plus 2.5 against Vandy: Yes, I all but guarenteed an Auburn massacre of the Commodores last week, but isn't that what should have happened? In the first quarter it looked like last year's Patriots were playing against a team from the MAC and then Auburn inexplicably abandoned their power running game to go back to the spread. What Tommy Tubberville did was the equivalent of a salesmen being at dinner with a client on the cusp of locking up a huge deal and then coming back from the bathroom naked with the signing papers just to see if he could still close. Mississippi State is 1-4 but I am just not convinced Vandy can score more than 14 points against a solid defense. Plus, Sylvester Croom has the name and the look of a 1950s gumshoe who is constantly reading the paper and smoking a pipe. With that in mind you cannot shy away from the Bulldogs. Mississppi State 17, Vanderbelt 13.
3:30 ABC) Notre Dame plus 8.5 at North Carolina: Before reasons are given for Notre Dame being the pick there is one question that needs to be asked. Whose hair looked worse long? Jimmy Clausen at the beginning of the season when he has trying to make sure everyone in the country knew that even though he goes to school in Indiana he is from the West Coast or Bill Murray's at the end of King Pin? Anyways, I like Notre Dame because the line opened at 5.5 and then a bunch of people jumped on it because of what the Tar Heels did to UCONN last week. Yes, it was an impressive win but if you look at their performances in the two weeks before that they lost to Virginia Tech at home and struggled against Miami on the road. They are still missing their starting quarterback and the Irish have been steadily improving all season. UNC 28, Notre Dame 24.
7:45 ESPN) Florida -6 over LSU: I will also set the over/under on how many times Wes Miles is referred to as a riverboat gambler at 5.5 and will take bets. How does going for it more on 4th down than a stoner playing Madden relate to wagering money on a boat. The reasons I like Florida in this game are; Tim Tebow would have been an effective midievel warrior, they have already gotten their worst performance of the season out of the way and LSU is extremely unproven. Florida 31, LSU 20.
8 ABC) Wiscosin plus 5 over Penn State: Yes, I picked against Wiscosin last week because of a heartbreaking loss and now after another heartbreaking loss I am picking them. However, like LSU, Penn State has played no one. Their best win is probably a home victory against Illinois and they struggled last week on the road against an awful Purdue team. Plus, the band is back from suspension. Apparently new female members of the band were blindfolded and forced to remove the underpants of senior male band members. No comments need here except to say I doubt American Pie will be shown on future road trips. In addition, last week was the first home loss for Wiscosin in their past 17 and they are not the kind of team that will pack it in. Although I will not watch this game because Florida, LSU is on the other channel and that would be the equivalent of choosing to play Tecmo Bowl in black and white over Madden 09 on a flat screen, look for Wiscosin to win in a low scoring match up. Wiscosin 17, Penn State 14.
NFL
1 on stations in New Orleans and Oakland) Saints -7 over Raiders: Can we go ahead and add Al Davis to the commercials they show around Halloween with all the famous Monsters drinking punch and jamming out while a Monster Mash plays in the backgroun?. Do you think he would try to cut in on Frankenstein (who always seems to be a little off beat) and that woman with the white streak in her hair? On a less serious note, how is this line not higher? The Saints are at home, in a must win situation against a team whose first game coach led the Idaho Vandals to a record of something like 14-41 in his only other head coaching experience. Saints 35, Raiders 13.
1 on stations in Houston and Miami) Texans -3 over Dolphins: The Texans are too good of a team to not win a game and the direct snap is like the punch buggy. It might have come back and people will buy it at first but in a couple weeks everyone will be laughing at how rediculous of an idea it was in the first place. Texans 24, Dolphins 20.
Monday 8:30 on ESPN) Browns plus 9: If Tony Kornheiser went with an Emmitt Smith quote and said, "You know someone has to win this game" would Jaws argue. It is undeniable Kornheiser needs some work as an announcer but he would be much more tolerable if Jaworski didn't immediately contradict everything he says like he is the mom of the rich kid you were friends with during grade school. The Browns are not that bad and the Giants are not that good and if that analysis doesn't satisfy you I do not know what will. Giants 24, Browns 17.
The proverbial "trap" game is coming up for the Skins this weekend. Someone has to come up with a new name for these games before Sunday so I do not have to wear ear plugs during the broadcast. Have a great weekend everyone and I hope Tony Siragusa is not "On the field" for your teams game.
2:30 on some station in Mississippi) Mississippi State plus 2.5 against Vandy: Yes, I all but guarenteed an Auburn massacre of the Commodores last week, but isn't that what should have happened? In the first quarter it looked like last year's Patriots were playing against a team from the MAC and then Auburn inexplicably abandoned their power running game to go back to the spread. What Tommy Tubberville did was the equivalent of a salesmen being at dinner with a client on the cusp of locking up a huge deal and then coming back from the bathroom naked with the signing papers just to see if he could still close. Mississippi State is 1-4 but I am just not convinced Vandy can score more than 14 points against a solid defense. Plus, Sylvester Croom has the name and the look of a 1950s gumshoe who is constantly reading the paper and smoking a pipe. With that in mind you cannot shy away from the Bulldogs. Mississppi State 17, Vanderbelt 13.
3:30 ABC) Notre Dame plus 8.5 at North Carolina: Before reasons are given for Notre Dame being the pick there is one question that needs to be asked. Whose hair looked worse long? Jimmy Clausen at the beginning of the season when he has trying to make sure everyone in the country knew that even though he goes to school in Indiana he is from the West Coast or Bill Murray's at the end of King Pin? Anyways, I like Notre Dame because the line opened at 5.5 and then a bunch of people jumped on it because of what the Tar Heels did to UCONN last week. Yes, it was an impressive win but if you look at their performances in the two weeks before that they lost to Virginia Tech at home and struggled against Miami on the road. They are still missing their starting quarterback and the Irish have been steadily improving all season. UNC 28, Notre Dame 24.
7:45 ESPN) Florida -6 over LSU: I will also set the over/under on how many times Wes Miles is referred to as a riverboat gambler at 5.5 and will take bets. How does going for it more on 4th down than a stoner playing Madden relate to wagering money on a boat. The reasons I like Florida in this game are; Tim Tebow would have been an effective midievel warrior, they have already gotten their worst performance of the season out of the way and LSU is extremely unproven. Florida 31, LSU 20.
8 ABC) Wiscosin plus 5 over Penn State: Yes, I picked against Wiscosin last week because of a heartbreaking loss and now after another heartbreaking loss I am picking them. However, like LSU, Penn State has played no one. Their best win is probably a home victory against Illinois and they struggled last week on the road against an awful Purdue team. Plus, the band is back from suspension. Apparently new female members of the band were blindfolded and forced to remove the underpants of senior male band members. No comments need here except to say I doubt American Pie will be shown on future road trips. In addition, last week was the first home loss for Wiscosin in their past 17 and they are not the kind of team that will pack it in. Although I will not watch this game because Florida, LSU is on the other channel and that would be the equivalent of choosing to play Tecmo Bowl in black and white over Madden 09 on a flat screen, look for Wiscosin to win in a low scoring match up. Wiscosin 17, Penn State 14.
NFL
1 on stations in New Orleans and Oakland) Saints -7 over Raiders: Can we go ahead and add Al Davis to the commercials they show around Halloween with all the famous Monsters drinking punch and jamming out while a Monster Mash plays in the backgroun?. Do you think he would try to cut in on Frankenstein (who always seems to be a little off beat) and that woman with the white streak in her hair? On a less serious note, how is this line not higher? The Saints are at home, in a must win situation against a team whose first game coach led the Idaho Vandals to a record of something like 14-41 in his only other head coaching experience. Saints 35, Raiders 13.
1 on stations in Houston and Miami) Texans -3 over Dolphins: The Texans are too good of a team to not win a game and the direct snap is like the punch buggy. It might have come back and people will buy it at first but in a couple weeks everyone will be laughing at how rediculous of an idea it was in the first place. Texans 24, Dolphins 20.
Monday 8:30 on ESPN) Browns plus 9: If Tony Kornheiser went with an Emmitt Smith quote and said, "You know someone has to win this game" would Jaws argue. It is undeniable Kornheiser needs some work as an announcer but he would be much more tolerable if Jaworski didn't immediately contradict everything he says like he is the mom of the rich kid you were friends with during grade school. The Browns are not that bad and the Giants are not that good and if that analysis doesn't satisfy you I do not know what will. Giants 24, Browns 17.
The proverbial "trap" game is coming up for the Skins this weekend. Someone has to come up with a new name for these games before Sunday so I do not have to wear ear plugs during the broadcast. Have a great weekend everyone and I hope Tony Siragusa is not "On the field" for your teams game.
PLAYOFFS?
The NLCS starts tonight between the Phillies and the Dodgers with the ALCS between the Red Sox and the no longer satanically possessed Rays starting tommorrow. Who wins these series not only determines the teams in the World Series but also how many people will watch. With that in mind I decided to rank the most compelling match ups in order from "I would rather watch tuesday night football on the deuce" to "I would switch from a sideline report by Erin Andrews in the nude to see that."
4) "I would rather watch tuesday night football on the deuce." Dodgers vs. Rays: The fact that the previously titled Devil Rays have excorcised the demons and no longer are controlled by the Dark Prince has led to quite a turn around this season. The Dodgers are also a great story because the acquisition of Manny Ramirez has turned them from one of the most boring teams in the league to one of the most interesting. However, this match up would be more disapointing then the first time I saw a picture of Lindsay Lohan's girlfriend. In addition to playing in a stadium that screams "wrecking ball" the Rays lack compelling players and No, I do not think it would be a great story to see them win it. Why would that be a great story? Because they have been awful for 10 years? Well then I guess Daniel Snyder is executive of the decade since after making awful decisions for 10 years he seems to have finally made a good decision in hiring Jim Zorn. Because they are a small market team? David Eckstein is a small person would you rather witness he or Albert Pujols hit a bomb? In addition, the Dodgers only big time player is Manny and their is obviously no storyline or history between the two teams. If this debacle occurred the only time it would be interesting is when Manny is at bat and that would be a shame.
3) "I might switch from the Hills if I have already seen the episode" Phillies vs Rays: I have already lost all my street cred by starting a blog so you need to get over the fact that I watch the Hills. This series would be uninteresting because of all the forementioned comments about the Rays and because I have met people from Philly before so there is no way I can root for them. The Phillies have a likable team. Rollins, Howard, Utley, Burrell and Lidge are all great players but there is no forgivable circumastance to ever root for something to occur that would make people from that regions lives suck any less.
2) "I would watch the entire series unless it is monday night" Red Sox vs Phillies: Would there ever be a collection of more miserable and easier to cheer against people guarenteed to be watching the same thing at the same time then if this series happened? Why are people from this region so obsessed with sports and so bitter towards every player that has ever put on their home teams uniform? It could be the lack of attractive people, the weather or the obesity but who am I to judge? So what is worse Philly fans or Red Sox fans? In my opinion it is definitely Red Sox fans. Philly fans are at least humorous in the fact that they always expect the absolute worst thing to happen at all times, think everyone on their own team is throwing the game and will guarentee losses after the first inning. Red Sox fans used to be that way until they won a World Series and now they are simply unbearable. Sadly, I am an Orioles fan and would rather watch The View then be at a Red Sox game at Camden Yards. People from Boston actually think having a better baseball team than you means that they are better at life than you. I was at a bar in baltimore at 2 AM a couple of years ago during a Sox series and these social midgets actually started chanting "LETS GO RED SOX" during last call. If you are thinking about a regular season baseball victory during closing time at a bar I believe you should have to leave the country. Can we make that a law? This series would also be great because of all the power hitters and great players in two of the coolest stadium in baseball but who cares about that.
1)"I would switch from a sideline report by Erin Andrews in the nude to see that." Dodgers vs. Red Sox: There is only one potential negative to this dream match up and I will get to that later. There are so many story lines it is hard to decide on where to start. Not only do you have Nomar Garciparra and Derek Lowe returning to Boston but you also have J.D. Drew playing against his former team. Add to the mix the hated Joe Torre coming back to Fenway and two great teams and you already have the makings of an incredible series. This is before even mentioning the best potential sports story in years. Manny back in Boston. Just imagine Manny Ramirez dressed in Dodger Blue playing up to four games at Fenway Park. He would go back into the monster during every pitching change, mock the fans every second he was in left field and every third out he made he would playfully lob the ball to a Boston fan whose head is about to explode. All the bitter Bostonians would have to sit there and take it while he hit .800 for the series with at least 5 bombs and 10 RBIs. Can you imagine if he hit a home run in the ninth inning of game seven to give the Dodgers a lead? While trotting around the bases he would urinate, talk on a cell phone and throw a traveling secretary over his shoulder just for good measure. Now for the potential negative. I cannot bear to hear an announcer say that is just "Manny being Manny" one more time. Everytime those words are spoken I immediately punch myself in the face. After regrouping and beginning to think I always arrive at the same question. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Aren't you always being yourself? The name my mother gave me is Bones. So whatever the hell I do I am Bones being Bones. Whether I murder someone or recesitate a dying Bald Eagle using CPR I am always Bones being Bones. Whether Manny wears dreadlocks and does the moonwalk to first base or shaves his head and goes into first base Pete Rose style he is still Manny being Manny. Every catch he makes, "Well Tim that is Manny being Manny." After every home run "That home run is evidence of Manny being Manny" and when he strikes out "well the way he took strike three, by golly that is Manny being Manny" but I am nitpicking. It will still be an ubelivable series.
The random thing that bothers me section has returned and the suspense is unbearable. Millions are asking, Bones what exactly is it that bothers you? Well, today since we are talking about baseball it is the routine of baseball teams celebrating with a Mardi Gras style throw down every chance they get. Let's use the Red Sox as an example. This team is going for their third World Series in five years and they celebrated clinching the Wild Card as if they were struggling to pay the bills and Ed McMahon had just showed up at their residence. They celebrated in the same ridiculous fashion after they beat the Angels in the first round. On TBS they showed Big Papi and Mike Lowell pouring two beers down Jonathan Papelbon's throat while everyone else on the team laughed at their sophmoric but "hilarious" behavior.
It is easy to argue that it is harder for any team in the NFL to make the playoffs then it is for the Red Sox. I know less teams make it but the teams in NFL all have similar payrolls while Boston easily doubles up teams like the Rays, Twins and Royals to mention a few. The Giants are the favorite to win the Super Bowl this year so we will use them as an example. It would be the equivalent of them acting like frat brothers in Animal House when they clinch a playoff spot and proceeding to cover up the lockers, strap on the underwater gear and go crazy after every impending playoff win. This is not the only thing that bothers me. Can you imagine the backlash if they showed Brandon Jacobs and Justin Tuck dumping cold ones down Plaxico Burress' throat? "Well Bob that just proves what thugs NFL players are even after a big win all they can think about is drinking bubbly. I guarentee they drove drunk in their Bentley's to the nearest gentleman's club right after the game." However, when baseball players do it, "they are just little kids in grown up bodies who love and respect the game." Aight, that is enough today. Tune in tommorrow for the "Travis Henry Locks of the week."
4) "I would rather watch tuesday night football on the deuce." Dodgers vs. Rays: The fact that the previously titled Devil Rays have excorcised the demons and no longer are controlled by the Dark Prince has led to quite a turn around this season. The Dodgers are also a great story because the acquisition of Manny Ramirez has turned them from one of the most boring teams in the league to one of the most interesting. However, this match up would be more disapointing then the first time I saw a picture of Lindsay Lohan's girlfriend. In addition to playing in a stadium that screams "wrecking ball" the Rays lack compelling players and No, I do not think it would be a great story to see them win it. Why would that be a great story? Because they have been awful for 10 years? Well then I guess Daniel Snyder is executive of the decade since after making awful decisions for 10 years he seems to have finally made a good decision in hiring Jim Zorn. Because they are a small market team? David Eckstein is a small person would you rather witness he or Albert Pujols hit a bomb? In addition, the Dodgers only big time player is Manny and their is obviously no storyline or history between the two teams. If this debacle occurred the only time it would be interesting is when Manny is at bat and that would be a shame.
3) "I might switch from the Hills if I have already seen the episode" Phillies vs Rays: I have already lost all my street cred by starting a blog so you need to get over the fact that I watch the Hills. This series would be uninteresting because of all the forementioned comments about the Rays and because I have met people from Philly before so there is no way I can root for them. The Phillies have a likable team. Rollins, Howard, Utley, Burrell and Lidge are all great players but there is no forgivable circumastance to ever root for something to occur that would make people from that regions lives suck any less.
2) "I would watch the entire series unless it is monday night" Red Sox vs Phillies: Would there ever be a collection of more miserable and easier to cheer against people guarenteed to be watching the same thing at the same time then if this series happened? Why are people from this region so obsessed with sports and so bitter towards every player that has ever put on their home teams uniform? It could be the lack of attractive people, the weather or the obesity but who am I to judge? So what is worse Philly fans or Red Sox fans? In my opinion it is definitely Red Sox fans. Philly fans are at least humorous in the fact that they always expect the absolute worst thing to happen at all times, think everyone on their own team is throwing the game and will guarentee losses after the first inning. Red Sox fans used to be that way until they won a World Series and now they are simply unbearable. Sadly, I am an Orioles fan and would rather watch The View then be at a Red Sox game at Camden Yards. People from Boston actually think having a better baseball team than you means that they are better at life than you. I was at a bar in baltimore at 2 AM a couple of years ago during a Sox series and these social midgets actually started chanting "LETS GO RED SOX" during last call. If you are thinking about a regular season baseball victory during closing time at a bar I believe you should have to leave the country. Can we make that a law? This series would also be great because of all the power hitters and great players in two of the coolest stadium in baseball but who cares about that.
1)"I would switch from a sideline report by Erin Andrews in the nude to see that." Dodgers vs. Red Sox: There is only one potential negative to this dream match up and I will get to that later. There are so many story lines it is hard to decide on where to start. Not only do you have Nomar Garciparra and Derek Lowe returning to Boston but you also have J.D. Drew playing against his former team. Add to the mix the hated Joe Torre coming back to Fenway and two great teams and you already have the makings of an incredible series. This is before even mentioning the best potential sports story in years. Manny back in Boston. Just imagine Manny Ramirez dressed in Dodger Blue playing up to four games at Fenway Park. He would go back into the monster during every pitching change, mock the fans every second he was in left field and every third out he made he would playfully lob the ball to a Boston fan whose head is about to explode. All the bitter Bostonians would have to sit there and take it while he hit .800 for the series with at least 5 bombs and 10 RBIs. Can you imagine if he hit a home run in the ninth inning of game seven to give the Dodgers a lead? While trotting around the bases he would urinate, talk on a cell phone and throw a traveling secretary over his shoulder just for good measure. Now for the potential negative. I cannot bear to hear an announcer say that is just "Manny being Manny" one more time. Everytime those words are spoken I immediately punch myself in the face. After regrouping and beginning to think I always arrive at the same question. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Aren't you always being yourself? The name my mother gave me is Bones. So whatever the hell I do I am Bones being Bones. Whether I murder someone or recesitate a dying Bald Eagle using CPR I am always Bones being Bones. Whether Manny wears dreadlocks and does the moonwalk to first base or shaves his head and goes into first base Pete Rose style he is still Manny being Manny. Every catch he makes, "Well Tim that is Manny being Manny." After every home run "That home run is evidence of Manny being Manny" and when he strikes out "well the way he took strike three, by golly that is Manny being Manny" but I am nitpicking. It will still be an ubelivable series.
The random thing that bothers me section has returned and the suspense is unbearable. Millions are asking, Bones what exactly is it that bothers you? Well, today since we are talking about baseball it is the routine of baseball teams celebrating with a Mardi Gras style throw down every chance they get. Let's use the Red Sox as an example. This team is going for their third World Series in five years and they celebrated clinching the Wild Card as if they were struggling to pay the bills and Ed McMahon had just showed up at their residence. They celebrated in the same ridiculous fashion after they beat the Angels in the first round. On TBS they showed Big Papi and Mike Lowell pouring two beers down Jonathan Papelbon's throat while everyone else on the team laughed at their sophmoric but "hilarious" behavior.
It is easy to argue that it is harder for any team in the NFL to make the playoffs then it is for the Red Sox. I know less teams make it but the teams in NFL all have similar payrolls while Boston easily doubles up teams like the Rays, Twins and Royals to mention a few. The Giants are the favorite to win the Super Bowl this year so we will use them as an example. It would be the equivalent of them acting like frat brothers in Animal House when they clinch a playoff spot and proceeding to cover up the lockers, strap on the underwater gear and go crazy after every impending playoff win. This is not the only thing that bothers me. Can you imagine the backlash if they showed Brandon Jacobs and Justin Tuck dumping cold ones down Plaxico Burress' throat? "Well Bob that just proves what thugs NFL players are even after a big win all they can think about is drinking bubbly. I guarentee they drove drunk in their Bentley's to the nearest gentleman's club right after the game." However, when baseball players do it, "they are just little kids in grown up bodies who love and respect the game." Aight, that is enough today. Tune in tommorrow for the "Travis Henry Locks of the week."
Monday, October 6, 2008
ZORN AGAIN!
As the Eagles marched down the field like they were in a war against the French to make it 7-0 yesterday I cannot deny thinking that a 3-2 start, considering the Redskins brutal early schedule would be impressive. As the referees inexplicably picked up a block in the back penalty flag that enabled the Eagles to go up 14-0 on a punt return I cannot deny that I contemplated stabbing my friend who was rocking a Donovan McNabb jersey in the neck, finishing my beer, and going to watch the game by myself so the epic beatdown that seemed inevitable would not have to be witnessed in public.
However, my friends and I had already ordered a fresh pitcher, the Eagles fan had to leave at half to go to his soccer game (typical philly fan only caring when is it an excuse to drop f bombs or fight) and nobody likes a quitter. After the Redskins second possesion brought forth as much optimism as Eeyore and Philadelphia began to drive again the Redskins' defense held and forced a 50 yard field goal attempt. When David Akers missed excitement set in for two reasons: Witnessing him bow to an imaginary opponent before an imaginary martial arts contest would be avoided and the Redskins had life. I actually said, "When I am dancing on the top of this booth and two and a half hours I will not forget it is all because Mr. Miyagi missed that kick."
Out of nowhere the Redskins started to gut a defense that was the best againt the run in the NFL like Bear Gryllis did that deer in Man vs. Wild. They had problems finishing drives but with the score 14-9 at halftime and Westbrook spending more time walking back and forth from the locker room than playing we all liked the Redskins chances.
When Antwan Randle El hit exhibitionist Chris Cooley to increase his career passer rating to well over a thousand the bar exploded and complete strangers got high fives, chest bumps and bear hugs whether they wanted them or not. As the Redskins added another touchdown, a goal-line stand and executed a fourth and 1 on the forty with three minutes to go, (furthur proving Jim Zorn has elephantitis) a start to the season no one did or could have predicted became a reality. Watching Jason Campbell kneel down as the final seconds ticked away a feeling of unadultered bliss came over me not experienced since Chrystal Carter passed me a note asking to meet her under the monkey bars during recess in 3rd grade. The Redskins are 4-1 and with games coming up against the Rams, Browns and Lions I have been Zorn again.
However, my friends and I had already ordered a fresh pitcher, the Eagles fan had to leave at half to go to his soccer game (typical philly fan only caring when is it an excuse to drop f bombs or fight) and nobody likes a quitter. After the Redskins second possesion brought forth as much optimism as Eeyore and Philadelphia began to drive again the Redskins' defense held and forced a 50 yard field goal attempt. When David Akers missed excitement set in for two reasons: Witnessing him bow to an imaginary opponent before an imaginary martial arts contest would be avoided and the Redskins had life. I actually said, "When I am dancing on the top of this booth and two and a half hours I will not forget it is all because Mr. Miyagi missed that kick."
Out of nowhere the Redskins started to gut a defense that was the best againt the run in the NFL like Bear Gryllis did that deer in Man vs. Wild. They had problems finishing drives but with the score 14-9 at halftime and Westbrook spending more time walking back and forth from the locker room than playing we all liked the Redskins chances.
When Antwan Randle El hit exhibitionist Chris Cooley to increase his career passer rating to well over a thousand the bar exploded and complete strangers got high fives, chest bumps and bear hugs whether they wanted them or not. As the Redskins added another touchdown, a goal-line stand and executed a fourth and 1 on the forty with three minutes to go, (furthur proving Jim Zorn has elephantitis) a start to the season no one did or could have predicted became a reality. Watching Jason Campbell kneel down as the final seconds ticked away a feeling of unadultered bliss came over me not experienced since Chrystal Carter passed me a note asking to meet her under the monkey bars during recess in 3rd grade. The Redskins are 4-1 and with games coming up against the Rams, Browns and Lions I have been Zorn again.
Friday, October 3, 2008
HEY! HEY! HEY!
Rarely will I ever discuss politics but I have to ask a few questions about last night's debate. How did Fat Albert get the job as the debate moderator? More importantly, why did the big guy shun his traditional red shirt and denim get up and go with an outfit that made him look like a contestant off a circa 1982 episode of Family Feud? Everytime they flashed from Sarah Palin or Joe Biden back to the big fella it felt like jumping from present day to the set of The Jeffersons.
People have been saying that Palin has been brain-washed for her public appearances and is just regergetating whatever her advisors have told her to say. This theory leaves me with another question. Is one of her advisors June Cleaver? I know Alaska is not part of the continental United States but is that an excuse for their current language to resemble conversations that occurred when it was a possibility the milkman was your father? When Biden reeled off a host of supposed reasons John McCain is not a true "Maverick" (whatever the Hell that means) I really expected Palin to say, "Well Gee Willikers Beav we both know that lying is wrong, now go drink the rest of your milk and go get ready for bed."
Aight sticking to my rigid blogging format I will be replacing the daily "things that bother me" section with my "Travis Henry Locks" of the week. There will be some grumblings but if I really stuck to all rules of blogs I would be sitting in my parent's basement, eating my mom's french toast and practicing my chubaka impersonation so get over it. I expect all these picks to cover easily, the fact that the chances of this are miniscule is irrelavent. If Subway can convince fat people they can lose weight by stuffing down hoagies there is always a chance.
College:
6 p.m. ESPN) Auburn -3.5 at Vandy: "But Gameday is there!!" Anyone who just uttered that to themselves immediately arouse yourself and then run into a wall going as fast as possible. Yes, Vandy is 4-0 but it is smoke and mirrors. In their victory against Ole Miss they were actually out gained 380 to 200 and they cannot move the ball through the air. Auburn will feast on their run game, potentially hurt their QB and turn away all 40,000 people they can pack into the stadium saying "Well at least we will make more money than people that go to Auburn." Auburn 24-10.
7 p.m. ESPNY i mean U)UVA plus 13.5 hosting Maryland: Yes, UVA got dismantled by Duke last week in the battle that would have been more compelling as a debate but UVA is the opposite of Vandy. The have played well in stretches and actually outgained Duke by a significant margin in the first half but were done in by turnovers. This is the same Maryland team that has beaten Cal and Clemson but is also the same team that lost to Middle Tennessee State and struggled at home with a Division I-AA opponent.. If you watch this game you have serious problems but lock it up. Maryland 27-17.
8 p.m. ESPN) Ohio State plus 1 at Wiscosin: Ohio State only sucks against teams outside of conference. The combination of Beanie Wells and Tyrelle Pryor will be too much for a team coming off an incredibly heartbreaking loss. Ohio State 31-14.
Sunday:
1 p.m. on da dish) Texans plus 3 hosting Indy: Yes, the Colts are coming off a bye week. Yes, the Texans are 0-3. However, the Colts could easily be 0-3 and the Texans could easily be 2-1. Add to that the fact they are at home, 80 percent of the public is on the Colts and I can picture Tony Dungy square dancing while wearing a Canadian tuxedo and you have to take Houston. Colts 21-20.
4 p.m. da dish) Cards pick em hosting Buffallo: I know Boldin is out, Warner is held together by duct tape and Mrs. Warner and Howie Long have the same hair stylist but Arizona is still good at home and the Bills opponnents are a combined 4-11. Cardinals 28 Bills 24.
I feel the Skins are going to get in done this weekend as I always do. Although I do not think Jason Taylor is a big loss because he plays run defense like a Spaniard with a red cape, Shawn Springs is. He would have been matched up with DeSean Jackson. Now it will probably be Fred Smoot. Smoot would be a great flag football player but makes Deion Sanders look like Lawrence Taylor. The keys to the game are going to be whether Westbrook plays and if Jason Campbell can keep his streak of games without a turnover going against a fierce pass rush. Wow that was boring. Hope everyone has a great weekend and I hope Tony Saragusa is "not on the field" for your teams game.
People have been saying that Palin has been brain-washed for her public appearances and is just regergetating whatever her advisors have told her to say. This theory leaves me with another question. Is one of her advisors June Cleaver? I know Alaska is not part of the continental United States but is that an excuse for their current language to resemble conversations that occurred when it was a possibility the milkman was your father? When Biden reeled off a host of supposed reasons John McCain is not a true "Maverick" (whatever the Hell that means) I really expected Palin to say, "Well Gee Willikers Beav we both know that lying is wrong, now go drink the rest of your milk and go get ready for bed."
Aight sticking to my rigid blogging format I will be replacing the daily "things that bother me" section with my "Travis Henry Locks" of the week. There will be some grumblings but if I really stuck to all rules of blogs I would be sitting in my parent's basement, eating my mom's french toast and practicing my chubaka impersonation so get over it. I expect all these picks to cover easily, the fact that the chances of this are miniscule is irrelavent. If Subway can convince fat people they can lose weight by stuffing down hoagies there is always a chance.
College:
6 p.m. ESPN) Auburn -3.5 at Vandy: "But Gameday is there!!" Anyone who just uttered that to themselves immediately arouse yourself and then run into a wall going as fast as possible. Yes, Vandy is 4-0 but it is smoke and mirrors. In their victory against Ole Miss they were actually out gained 380 to 200 and they cannot move the ball through the air. Auburn will feast on their run game, potentially hurt their QB and turn away all 40,000 people they can pack into the stadium saying "Well at least we will make more money than people that go to Auburn." Auburn 24-10.
7 p.m. ESPNY i mean U)UVA plus 13.5 hosting Maryland: Yes, UVA got dismantled by Duke last week in the battle that would have been more compelling as a debate but UVA is the opposite of Vandy. The have played well in stretches and actually outgained Duke by a significant margin in the first half but were done in by turnovers. This is the same Maryland team that has beaten Cal and Clemson but is also the same team that lost to Middle Tennessee State and struggled at home with a Division I-AA opponent.. If you watch this game you have serious problems but lock it up. Maryland 27-17.
8 p.m. ESPN) Ohio State plus 1 at Wiscosin: Ohio State only sucks against teams outside of conference. The combination of Beanie Wells and Tyrelle Pryor will be too much for a team coming off an incredibly heartbreaking loss. Ohio State 31-14.
Sunday:
1 p.m. on da dish) Texans plus 3 hosting Indy: Yes, the Colts are coming off a bye week. Yes, the Texans are 0-3. However, the Colts could easily be 0-3 and the Texans could easily be 2-1. Add to that the fact they are at home, 80 percent of the public is on the Colts and I can picture Tony Dungy square dancing while wearing a Canadian tuxedo and you have to take Houston. Colts 21-20.
4 p.m. da dish) Cards pick em hosting Buffallo: I know Boldin is out, Warner is held together by duct tape and Mrs. Warner and Howie Long have the same hair stylist but Arizona is still good at home and the Bills opponnents are a combined 4-11. Cardinals 28 Bills 24.
I feel the Skins are going to get in done this weekend as I always do. Although I do not think Jason Taylor is a big loss because he plays run defense like a Spaniard with a red cape, Shawn Springs is. He would have been matched up with DeSean Jackson. Now it will probably be Fred Smoot. Smoot would be a great flag football player but makes Deion Sanders look like Lawrence Taylor. The keys to the game are going to be whether Westbrook plays and if Jason Campbell can keep his streak of games without a turnover going against a fierce pass rush. Wow that was boring. Hope everyone has a great weekend and I hope Tony Saragusa is "not on the field" for your teams game.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
First Blog
Hello blogasphere. Do I know anything about blogging? Absolutely not. Have I spent more than 10 mintues reading blogs in my life? No. Should you read this? Of course. I have always thought blogging was for people with no life. So let's get started. My main focus will be sports but I will also write about anything that bothers me, I think is funny or my personal experiences. The less I have to do at work the longer the posts. With that introduction I know you are at the edge of your seat, salivating, and waiting for what comes next. Here we go.
Let me start by saying anyone who is a fan of the Dallas Cowboys is welcome to read but has more of a chance of experiencing a Dallas playoff victory (which would be their first since 95) than enjoying this during football season. The way the Redskins, (my favorite team in any sport) went into Dallas and destroyed the supposed best team in the NFL brought a tear to my eye and drove my tab at the sports bar to epic proportions. My friends and every random person in the bar decided (after a few pitchers) any Redskins score or shot of Jerry Jones face had to be followed by a jaeger bomb. Has anyone noticed that Jerry Jones looks more and more like a wooden puppet every year? I half expect him to start yelling "I'm a real boy" on the sideline when no one on the team acknowledges his presence. Another question, Does Wade Phillips face not show the same kind of shocked exuberance after a big play that a redneck shows when his metal finder starts beeping frantically on the beach? A Fox sideline guy was holding one of those mini UFOs that catches sound over his head when Romo hit Witten for the first score and I swear I heard him yell, "Phyllis grab the kids and get the hell over here I think I am going to be rich."
As if the victory wasn't enough the fact that T.O. imploded again after the game added to my state of euphoria. A year after crying "when you criticize my quarterback its not fair," he does the same thing. He might have, "25 million reasons to be alive" but apparently getting the ball thrown to him almost that many times wasn't enough. The Cowboys undoubtedly have a great team and will name the score this week against the Bengals but to see my Redskins go in there and dominate this Sunday gives hope to the notion they will choke again in the playoffs. What a great Sunday.
Random thing that bothers me: I will try to do one of these for every post. Again the excitement is earth shattering. Today it is the new fad at sporting events to throw food into the stands.
I was at a Pistons (my favorite NBA team) game against the Wizards in our nations' capital when I first witnessed this debacle. During one of the timeouts the announcer, who is actually that Big Tigger guy from the basement on BET, bellows, "Get ready for the Spirit Squad." I expected a bunch of guys who love Clay Aiken to run out in tights and do cartwheels but what happened was suprisingly worse.
Twenty people holding Chipotle burritos storm the court while trying to pump up the crowd. I thought it was an eating contest and we were picking our favorite contestant. Instinctively I began cheering for the girl in front of my section that weighed 80 pounds because the Wizards were on a run and when she threw up on the floor I thought it might kill the home team's momentum. Then it happened. One of the guys threw a burritto into the stands.
I immediately expected security to come tackle him, but no, this was actually his job. They were feeding us! Are you serious? The worst part is fans actually wanted to eat these pepto bismol advertisements covered in tin foil. Runny, cold Burrittos are carroming of the steps and seats going 100 mph and people are fighting over them. One guy (I will let you guess what he looked like) after pushing a young child over to get his prize actually opened the burritto, held it over his head like he was Scorpion and the burritto was Sub Zero's heart and took a massive bite. As the beans ran down his face and the section erupted I wished for the first time in my life I was in Europe.
Let me start by saying anyone who is a fan of the Dallas Cowboys is welcome to read but has more of a chance of experiencing a Dallas playoff victory (which would be their first since 95) than enjoying this during football season. The way the Redskins, (my favorite team in any sport) went into Dallas and destroyed the supposed best team in the NFL brought a tear to my eye and drove my tab at the sports bar to epic proportions. My friends and every random person in the bar decided (after a few pitchers) any Redskins score or shot of Jerry Jones face had to be followed by a jaeger bomb. Has anyone noticed that Jerry Jones looks more and more like a wooden puppet every year? I half expect him to start yelling "I'm a real boy" on the sideline when no one on the team acknowledges his presence. Another question, Does Wade Phillips face not show the same kind of shocked exuberance after a big play that a redneck shows when his metal finder starts beeping frantically on the beach? A Fox sideline guy was holding one of those mini UFOs that catches sound over his head when Romo hit Witten for the first score and I swear I heard him yell, "Phyllis grab the kids and get the hell over here I think I am going to be rich."
As if the victory wasn't enough the fact that T.O. imploded again after the game added to my state of euphoria. A year after crying "when you criticize my quarterback its not fair," he does the same thing. He might have, "25 million reasons to be alive" but apparently getting the ball thrown to him almost that many times wasn't enough. The Cowboys undoubtedly have a great team and will name the score this week against the Bengals but to see my Redskins go in there and dominate this Sunday gives hope to the notion they will choke again in the playoffs. What a great Sunday.
Random thing that bothers me: I will try to do one of these for every post. Again the excitement is earth shattering. Today it is the new fad at sporting events to throw food into the stands.
I was at a Pistons (my favorite NBA team) game against the Wizards in our nations' capital when I first witnessed this debacle. During one of the timeouts the announcer, who is actually that Big Tigger guy from the basement on BET, bellows, "Get ready for the Spirit Squad." I expected a bunch of guys who love Clay Aiken to run out in tights and do cartwheels but what happened was suprisingly worse.
Twenty people holding Chipotle burritos storm the court while trying to pump up the crowd. I thought it was an eating contest and we were picking our favorite contestant. Instinctively I began cheering for the girl in front of my section that weighed 80 pounds because the Wizards were on a run and when she threw up on the floor I thought it might kill the home team's momentum. Then it happened. One of the guys threw a burritto into the stands.
I immediately expected security to come tackle him, but no, this was actually his job. They were feeding us! Are you serious? The worst part is fans actually wanted to eat these pepto bismol advertisements covered in tin foil. Runny, cold Burrittos are carroming of the steps and seats going 100 mph and people are fighting over them. One guy (I will let you guess what he looked like) after pushing a young child over to get his prize actually opened the burritto, held it over his head like he was Scorpion and the burritto was Sub Zero's heart and took a massive bite. As the beans ran down his face and the section erupted I wished for the first time in my life I was in Europe.
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