PLAYOFFS?

The NLCS starts tonight between the Phillies and the Dodgers with the ALCS between the Red Sox and the no longer satanically possessed Rays starting tommorrow. Who wins these series not only determines the teams in the World Series but also how many people will watch. With that in mind I decided to rank the most compelling match ups in order from "I would rather watch tuesday night football on the deuce" to "I would switch from a sideline report by Erin Andrews in the nude to see that."

4) "I would rather watch tuesday night football on the deuce." Dodgers vs. Rays: The fact that the previously titled Devil Rays have excorcised the demons and no longer are controlled by the Dark Prince has led to quite a turn around this season. The Dodgers are also a great story because the acquisition of Manny Ramirez has turned them from one of the most boring teams in the league to one of the most interesting. However, this match up would be more disapointing then the first time I saw a picture of Lindsay Lohan's girlfriend. In addition to playing in a stadium that screams "wrecking ball" the Rays lack compelling players and No, I do not think it would be a great story to see them win it. Why would that be a great story? Because they have been awful for 10 years? Well then I guess Daniel Snyder is executive of the decade since after making awful decisions for 10 years he seems to have finally made a good decision in hiring Jim Zorn. Because they are a small market team? David Eckstein is a small person would you rather witness he or Albert Pujols hit a bomb? In addition, the Dodgers only big time player is Manny and their is obviously no storyline or history between the two teams. If this debacle occurred the only time it would be interesting is when Manny is at bat and that would be a shame.

3) "I might switch from the Hills if I have already seen the episode" Phillies vs Rays: I have already lost all my street cred by starting a blog so you need to get over the fact that I watch the Hills. This series would be uninteresting because of all the forementioned comments about the Rays and because I have met people from Philly before so there is no way I can root for them. The Phillies have a likable team. Rollins, Howard, Utley, Burrell and Lidge are all great players but there is no forgivable circumastance to ever root for something to occur that would make people from that regions lives suck any less.

2) "I would watch the entire series unless it is monday night" Red Sox vs Phillies: Would there ever be a collection of more miserable and easier to cheer against people guarenteed to be watching the same thing at the same time then if this series happened? Why are people from this region so obsessed with sports and so bitter towards every player that has ever put on their home teams uniform? It could be the lack of attractive people, the weather or the obesity but who am I to judge? So what is worse Philly fans or Red Sox fans? In my opinion it is definitely Red Sox fans. Philly fans are at least humorous in the fact that they always expect the absolute worst thing to happen at all times, think everyone on their own team is throwing the game and will guarentee losses after the first inning. Red Sox fans used to be that way until they won a World Series and now they are simply unbearable. Sadly, I am an Orioles fan and would rather watch The View then be at a Red Sox game at Camden Yards. People from Boston actually think having a better baseball team than you means that they are better at life than you. I was at a bar in baltimore at 2 AM a couple of years ago during a Sox series and these social midgets actually started chanting "LETS GO RED SOX" during last call. If you are thinking about a regular season baseball victory during closing time at a bar I believe you should have to leave the country. Can we make that a law? This series would also be great because of all the power hitters and great players in two of the coolest stadium in baseball but who cares about that.

1)"I would switch from a sideline report by Erin Andrews in the nude to see that." Dodgers vs. Red Sox: There is only one potential negative to this dream match up and I will get to that later. There are so many story lines it is hard to decide on where to start. Not only do you have Nomar Garciparra and Derek Lowe returning to Boston but you also have J.D. Drew playing against his former team. Add to the mix the hated Joe Torre coming back to Fenway and two great teams and you already have the makings of an incredible series. This is before even mentioning the best potential sports story in years. Manny back in Boston. Just imagine Manny Ramirez dressed in Dodger Blue playing up to four games at Fenway Park. He would go back into the monster during every pitching change, mock the fans every second he was in left field and every third out he made he would playfully lob the ball to a Boston fan whose head is about to explode. All the bitter Bostonians would have to sit there and take it while he hit .800 for the series with at least 5 bombs and 10 RBIs. Can you imagine if he hit a home run in the ninth inning of game seven to give the Dodgers a lead? While trotting around the bases he would urinate, talk on a cell phone and throw a traveling secretary over his shoulder just for good measure. Now for the potential negative. I cannot bear to hear an announcer say that is just "Manny being Manny" one more time. Everytime those words are spoken I immediately punch myself in the face. After regrouping and beginning to think I always arrive at the same question. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Aren't you always being yourself? The name my mother gave me is Bones. So whatever the hell I do I am Bones being Bones. Whether I murder someone or recesitate a dying Bald Eagle using CPR I am always Bones being Bones. Whether Manny wears dreadlocks and does the moonwalk to first base or shaves his head and goes into first base Pete Rose style he is still Manny being Manny. Every catch he makes, "Well Tim that is Manny being Manny." After every home run "That home run is evidence of Manny being Manny" and when he strikes out "well the way he took strike three, by golly that is Manny being Manny" but I am nitpicking. It will still be an ubelivable series.

The random thing that bothers me section has returned and the suspense is unbearable. Millions are asking, Bones what exactly is it that bothers you? Well, today since we are talking about baseball it is the routine of baseball teams celebrating with a Mardi Gras style throw down every chance they get. Let's use the Red Sox as an example. This team is going for their third World Series in five years and they celebrated clinching the Wild Card as if they were struggling to pay the bills and Ed McMahon had just showed up at their residence. They celebrated in the same ridiculous fashion after they beat the Angels in the first round. On TBS they showed Big Papi and Mike Lowell pouring two beers down Jonathan Papelbon's throat while everyone else on the team laughed at their sophmoric but "hilarious" behavior.

It is easy to argue that it is harder for any team in the NFL to make the playoffs then it is for the Red Sox. I know less teams make it but the teams in NFL all have similar payrolls while Boston easily doubles up teams like the Rays, Twins and Royals to mention a few. The Giants are the favorite to win the Super Bowl this year so we will use them as an example. It would be the equivalent of them acting like frat brothers in Animal House when they clinch a playoff spot and proceeding to cover up the lockers, strap on the underwater gear and go crazy after every impending playoff win. This is not the only thing that bothers me. Can you imagine the backlash if they showed Brandon Jacobs and Justin Tuck dumping cold ones down Plaxico Burress' throat? "Well Bob that just proves what thugs NFL players are even after a big win all they can think about is drinking bubbly. I guarentee they drove drunk in their Bentley's to the nearest gentleman's club right after the game." However, when baseball players do it, "they are just little kids in grown up bodies who love and respect the game." Aight, that is enough today. Tune in tommorrow for the "Travis Henry Locks of the week."