Monday Night Football

Did not get a chance to bless the blagosphere today so I decided to to give a running commentary on tonights game. "But Bones other people have already done that." To that I say millions of men had done the "hip hip hooray" chant before this season but that did not stop Jim Zorn from perfecting it.

8:28: Is it possible that HD television is the best and worst invention of all time? It is undeniable it makes sports, close ups of cheerleaders and Kate from Lost look incredible. It also blatantly obvious that Tony Kornheiser's combover and Mike Tirico's hairline running away were not meant to be viewed in high definition. One of my roomates pointed out that Kornheiser wears an unbelivable amount of jewelry that looks like it was bought at a pawn shop. I had never noticed but it seriously looks like he traded a 16 inch black and white tv with a busted antenna for whatever is dangling from his wrist.

8:42: Not sure how to feel about the potential broken finger hampering Cutler. This would mean my fantasy week and season are all but over but Patrick Ramsey would get in the game. Millions just uttered who the hell wants to see him play? Bones does, that is who. I and dozens of others were convinced Ramsey would save the Redskins franchise until he became "injury prone." I would say being injury prone might have had something to do with Steve Spurrier's blocking schemes giving him about as much chance of dodging tacklers as civilians have of dodging Cowboys fans jumping off the bandwagon. It looked like he was destined to get another chance until Joe Gibbs decided he wanted to start a quarterback that was almost as old as he was and traded for Mark Brunell. Even though Brunell couldn't throw the ball farther than 5 yards and took several years off my life expectancy he fought his guts out every Sunday and could grow a pretty decent beard. An appearance by Ramsey would also assure an epic exchange of words between "Jaws" and Kornheiser. The topic has already been vehemently discussed in preseason with Jaworski siding with Ramsey while Kornheiser bashed him.

9:05: Did Kornheiser just say you could roast marshmellows on Shanahan's forehead? That brings up a plethora of other questions: Why would preparing a s'more on someone's face ever cross your mind? How many people just said to themselvs some more of what? Followed by your killing me Smalls? Did he say that because Shanahan is mad or because he always looks like he fell asleep under the tanning bed no matter the season? Does the Broncos Head Coach go tanning, stand on top of the Rockies when there are wind advisories or simply hold his breath the entire game to make his face look like that?

9:40: This game is pretty tough to watch, flipping channels I just saw that guy Perez Hilton guy on an MTV commercial. Is their any away we can trade him to another country? How about France? If Bones was the President and they proposed taking him if we would only eat croisants and shun deodorant for a week then he would be on the next flight out of the country. What is Cutler doing? All I need is for him to have more points than Matt Casell in order to avoid being eliminated in my fantasy league's suicide pool and he cannot get it done. "Suicide fantasy pool" are 3 words that should never be put together again, ever.

9:48: "That injury is really going to hurt Champ Bailey's chances in dancing with the stars." Kornheiser really just said that. How can he be so good on PTI and so abysmal as a broadcaster? The MNF broadcast booth is like Oakland, where talented people go to die. As I type this he just said "Big ups to Rodney Harrison." He must have looked at Stuart Scott's computer history and stumbled upon urbandictionary.com. 20-0 nothing at halftime, this is a debacle.

10:07: If France proposes to take this guy that comes on the Hills aftershow with the all black shades and vest I would throw in women in America not shaving their armpits for a week.

10:31: Did anyone else just see that? Another perfect example of my theory that hoodlums are beating up rich people and taking their tickets. Moss just put the Patriots up 27-0 to make this game even more unwatchable. After the score he does the "Gillette jump," uncleverly coined by Tirico, into the waiting arms of a guy with his face painted purple, a helmet from Nordic times and the NFL emblem tatoo. How did that guy get those tickets? They just showed him again and he also has Vikings and Packers tats. Aren't they rivals? Everytime for the rest of my life I start to think too much of my time is being spent watching sports this modern day Leaf Erickson will enter my mind and the game will be turned back on. There is definitely an unconcious person laying in the parking lot wearing an authentic Tom Brady Jersey, minus an extremely expensive ticket and rolex.

10:46: Is there any possibility future MNF games can be played in silence. Jaworski just made a "quack, quack quack" noise in response to an errant pass by Casel. If only this was Duck Hunt and I was 9 again! The toy gun would be 2 inches from the tv and I would pull the trigger the next time they showed the ex-Eagle in hopes it would silence him for the rest of the game. Flipping through channels again I stumbled upon a Jose Canseco reality show. He is recieving "testorone therapy" as he weens himself off steroids. Let's leave that alone. For all the good that has come out of reality television there is no way it outweighs the bad.

11:08: Thankfully for the reader I can no longer justify staying up for this game. It looks like Cutler will be outscored by Casel. The night has been a total waste except for Audrina being in a bikini for over half of the new Hills episode. Justin Bobby needs to make an instructional video titled "How to date dimes while treating showers and shaving like a virus."