Cooler than the other side of the pillow

The reasons Bones loves sports are plenty. Of course I love watching the best athletes in the world compete against each other for personal, professional and national pride and glory but it does not stop there. Bones is an astute man and enjoys the simple subtelties of competition as much as he enjoys watching LeBron James take off from the foul line. I enjoy the nuances like Tiger Wood's fist pump, Jason Campbell's mustache, the way NBA players strategically place tatoos and watching Maria Sharapova retrieve the ball for the second serve out of her skirt pocket. This being said there are certain aspects of sports that rub Bones the opposite direction. Atrocities that delve into his inner being and haunt his dreams. They are listed below in no particular order and I am not simply whining, I provide solutions. Like America, Bones has decided for better or worse he wants change and will not be content until someone erases these three blemishes that currently reside on the soul of the sporting world.

Stuart Scott: Once upon a time Stuart Scott was tolerable when he uttered fairly clever sayings like "he is as cool as the other side of the pillow" and took his medication. However, success and a lack of medicinal discipline has resulted in the man that currently stares and yells at us in the living room. Scott reminds me a lot of one of my roomates. They both routinely add words to their vocabulary and then use them completely out of context. The difference being my roommate gets his word of the day from Webster's while Scott takes them from urbandictionary.com. For an example, let's take Scott's usage of the word Podunkadunk. Urbandictionary.com describes a podunkadunk as, "a nice ass, or a big ass. Preferably a nice big ass." During highlights of a dunk by Tracy McGrady he can be heard screaming frantically, "T-Mac just getting silly wit it driving the line and finishing wit a Podunkadunk that he dedicated to Pookie and them." So what our boy Stu is really saying is that T-Mac finished with a nice, big ass that he dedicated to Pookie. My resolution to this problem is to dress Mr. Scott in FUBU gear and make him be the guy with the microphone during a Rucker Park game. If he doesn't have his life threatened by halftime he can stay on TV.

The practice of baseball managers wearing uniforms: If you don't think this is proposterous imagine Jeff Van Gundy in a headband, jersey and baggy shorts. The way to fix this ridiculous practice is to make managers participate in the game as if it was the Little League World Series. They can still wear uniforms but have to play a half inning on defense, pinch hit or pinch run. How much more interesting with the sport be if you got to watch Lou Piniella execute a suicide squeeze or Charlie Manual break up a double play?

The End of NBA games: The last two minutes of a close NBA game are like a drunken speech at the end of a family gathering. They both last entirely to long and make the people in attendence forget how much fun they had the first two hours of the event. Last week I watched the Blazers defeat the Rockets on a game winning Brandon Roy three. The only problem was Roy had already hit what should have been a game-winner with 1.8 seconds left only to have the Rockets call time-out, get the ball on the other side of the court and hit what should have been another game winner with .7 seconds left. While the 1.8 seconds of actual action was riveting the 20 minutes inbetween was not. Not only do teams call time outs to move the ball but the opposing team often follows with a time out after the see how the other team is setting up. This time out is often followed by an intentional delay of game. All of this wasted time inevitably results in an isolation for the offensive team's best player who dribbles around until there is less than a second left and takes an off balance fade away. My resolution to this is to give each team one time out in the last two minutes. Those in opposition will be forced to watch Dick Bavetta and Charles Barkley re-enact their epic race in the nude.

Abridged "Travis Henry Locks of the Week" YTD 17-16-1 so flip a coin

Saturday:

12) Illinois plus 9.5 vs. Ohio State on ESPN) The Illini's quarterback's name is Juice, they wear orange and their coach looks like he could fit the physchotic doctor roll on any Soap Opera. Lock it up. Ohio State 21, Illinois 13.

12) Notre Dame -3.5 vs. Navy Notre Dame Broadcasting Channel) Charlie Weiss means business this week. Ask the breakfast buffet at Shoney's how that ussually turns out. Notre Dame 31, Navy 13.

3:30) South Carolina plus 22.5 at da Swamp) Florida can't cover every week can they? Florida 35, South Carolina 14.

3:30) Maryland plus 3 vs UNC) The "good" teams in the ACC are all painfully mediocre so I will take the one getting points at home. Is it just me or does Ralph Friedgen bare a striking resemblance to the character on Mike Tyson's Punch Out whose pants fell down when you hit him?

Sunday:

Cinci plus 9.5 vs. Philly

Seattle plus 3 vs. Zona