Bones apologizes for the long hiatus but the overbearing stress and pressure of being a blogger left me needing a vacation worse than Young Jeezy. However, I attack the blogasphere today like a newly divorced cougar attacking a bachelor party. Since I picked the NBA season and NCAA tournament exactly (see West Virginia) thousands of my loyal readers have e-mailed over the last few weeks begging me not to write a major league baseball preview. The majority of them are strikingly similar to the following which was sent by one of Bones' most avid readers, Joe in LA.
Dear Bones,
If you could skip writing an MLB preview I would greatly appreciate it. I loved your NBA regular season and NCAA tournament previews until I realized I was reading the future. Some of us still love the great American pastime and would like to actually be suprised by this seasons' results.
PS...How many games are the Dodgers going to win?
To answer Joe's e-mail, 93 and since Bones does not want to disapoint the readers who make his myriad sponsers possible he will compromise. There will not be a comprehensive preview but he must glimpse into the future to provide the 2009 World Series Champions to those readers who like to take advantage of such information. For those who think Bones is about to ruin the season for them he suggests you thinks of this nugget of knowledge as you would an episode of Full House. You always knew the sitcom concluded with the Tanners hugging it out in the living room but did that make the journey the family took to get there any less riveting?
Without furthur ado I am about to break down the greatest team ever assembled position by position and present the reasons why the Baltimore Orioles will be the 2009 World Series Champions. Most years one could make the argument that giving a comprehensive preview of the Orioles while shunning the other 29 teams is like only paying attention to this picture of Jessica Simpson and ignoring this, this and this. However, this is a new year, this is Birdland.
Manager- Dave Trembley may look more like a guy that dominates the checker table at your local Cracker Barrel than a guy who manages a major league baseball team but don't let that fool you. There is a heart of a lion inside that pear-shaped man. In addition he is good for at least two memorable tirades a year and what does a manager really have to do in an American League? Whatever it is, Trembley is the best at it.
Infield - Even the most realistic of prognasticators would agree that the addition of Cesar Itzturis gives the Orioles the best infield in major league history. Adding the best defensive shortstop since Ozzie Smith to an infield that already includes Aubrey Huff, Brian Roberts and Melvin Mora is the equivalent of Mark Cuban winning the lottery. Although Huff might not be the smartest guy in the world, (he publicly bashed the city of Baltimore and stated he would rather pleasure himself than read a scouting report) he is the most feared left hander since Joe DiMaggio. Roberts has the best range in the show. He is also a lock to lead the AL in On base percentage and doubles. In addition to being more fertile than Adonis, Mora is a power-hitting defensive wizard. His current stint on the DL is no more than a speed bump on the road to destiny.
Outfield - In right field Nick Markakis is one of the brightest young stars in the game. He glides
around the outfield like Apollo Ohno while hitting for both average in power. Unbelivably, it is possible centerfield Adam Jones has even more potential than Markakis. Jones is a right-handed who will bat .300, hit over 20 bombs and produce webgems with relative ease. Fans at Camden yards have a better chance of seeing an attractive Red Sox or Yankees fan than witnessing a ball drop in right center between these two phenoms. Luke Scott and his mullet should be good for 20 HRs and 80 RBI just like last year.
Bullpen - The overpowering stuff of Chris Ray, Dennis Sarfarte and Chris Ray will leave opponents on Bended Knee as is they were Boyz II Men while the craftiness of veterans of Jamie Walker and George Sherill will dominated using pitches more suprising than Mike Tyson's extensive vocabulary. This merry band of veterans should be able to protect the massive leads the Orioles offense will be producing on a nightly basis.
Starting Pitching - Jeremy Guthrie is turning into a legitimate ace and Koji Uehara is the Japanese Greg Maddux. The problem is other than these two stalwarts Orioles starters would struggle to register a winning record in Triple A. But like anyone who knows baseball would say starting pitching is unimportant and overated. Bones envisions Guthrie and Uehara having a combined record of approximately 49-3 and the offense carrying the team to at least another 5o wins.
After the Orioles win the toughest division in baseball they will bea the Mariners in 6 games, the Yankees in 7 and breeze by the Marlins in 5. The city of Baltimore will rejoice and Jim Palmer will retire from the broadcast booth to add to the feeling of exctasy encompassing the city.
Bones also must apologize for the delay in the dropping of his first music video Blogggging. The producer he hired, knows as primetime, has been out of town. However, he is now back and the video will be recorded tommorow and uploaded on youtube in the near future. Hope everyone has a good weekend and if you see a chief make sure to point them out and let Bones know about it come Monday.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Dear Bones,
A few things. First I think it is worth noting that the additions of Felix Pie and Ryan Freel in the outfield nullify the Orioles lack of solid starting pitching. After Guthrie and Uehara throw back to back shutouts the O's should simply put the ball on a tee, eliminating the pitcher and catcher positions and allow opposing teams to take their best hacks, knowing that the best middle infield since Ripken-Alomar and the best (and first) 5-man outfield of all time will preserve countless no-hitters.
Second, the Charleston Chief of the week: As your faithful reader was leaving the Market Street Saloon, aka "We wish we were Coyote Ugly, but our bartenders are busted and our bouncers only dream of being as cool as Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse," to go find Bones and the bachelor party he was with, I realized that being able to choose one chief out of the myriad of possibilities would be about as likely as Adam Dunn hitting above .230 this season. However, on the way out, one potential Chief stole the headdress and anointed himself.
As your reader was walking out with his lucky choice of the night, this Brave decided to take the "I see you with your guy, but I'm going to go for it anyway" approach. As he approached the slender Adonis who was so eagerly clinging to your reader and stumbled over his opening line, his left foot slipped out from under him on the second of several stairs leading towards the front door. As his ripped jeans slammed the ground with his arms flailing through the air, your reader was momentarily concerned for his life. However, the loud clanging noise made by his Jersey-gelled-hair-helmet when it smashed the stairs ensured that all brain function would resume normal operation without any concussion. As he slowly pulled himself up off the ground, each occupant of the crowded stairwell raised their hand in a curled fashion, much like the letter C, and yelled CHIEEEEEFFFFFFF!!!!!!
Your reader is thankful for this moment, for not only did it represent an obvious instance of Karma getting the best of someone, it was a moment of clarity in an otherwise difficult process of choosing one Chief out of countless possibilities seen each night in the bar scene in Charleston. If your reader ever sees this Chief again, he might even consider thanking him for such a favor. Of course, it's much more likely that I'll just point at him and yell "CHIEEEEEFFFFFF!!!!!"
Post a Comment