That's what I'm talking about

What I will discuss today in the "Weekly things that bother Bones section" has been irking me since the first time I ever stepped into a rest room at a sporting event. Trips to Men's rooms during a crowded occasion rank slightly above when my dad came to school and gave the sex ed talk to my 6th grade class in the totem pole of events I would like to forget. "But Bones, no one likes public restrooms. We all know they are crowded and disgusting!" Sadly, it is not the filth and overpopulation that irks me. It is the strange behavior that overtakes seemingly normal humans when they enter past the door with the faceless man on it. My system has been given a shock by hundreds that display these actions so I will only list the most disturbing and habitual perpatraitors.

The talker/moaner: People that want to make noise while they relieve themselves in the comfort of their own home should by all means go for it. However, in a public restroom it's simply not neccesary. Any man that has frequented a bathroom has cowered in fear as the violator lets out a moan like he is recieving a massage from a Swedish model the second the process commences. As if this is not horrific enough in some instances this person will talk to the process. I am not sure how you talk to a process but it occurs. They ussually mutter something like, "Yea, that's what I am talking about." That's what you are talking about? Were you expecting a different result then the first a million times you did this or have you recently started using FloMax? Either way I propose a law making talking while at the urinal illegal. Violators will be kicked out of the event and monitored in the future.

The Looker: The looker is the bathroom bandit that worries me the most. We have all caught a glimpse of one of the linesmates in our shift at the unrinal by accident but this guy makes it a habit. You have been waiting in line for what seems like an hour after having to hold it the entire second quarter. The last thing you need when you finally get a chance to exhale is to worry about some guy checking your guy out. My proposed punishment for this is instant arrest and a lifetime ban from the stadium or venue.

The Long urinator: All frequenters of public events have unfortunately encountered one of these. The man who seems convinced that the longer you urinate the more likely it is that everyone in the bathroom thinks you could work in the adult film industry. This robber of the 3rd quarter kickoff stands in front of the troft longer than the average man stays in a stall. About a minute into the process he always turns his head over the shoulder and looks at the rest of his line mockingly, as if to say, "Yea, this is going to be awhile and you know what that means." Fortunately, I don't. I have heard of big hands and feet meaning that but they have been dismissed as myths. We can do the same with the long urinator. Those accused of this shall be forced to use stalls from now on.

The shaker/leaner: I was told by a teacher in high school that if you shake it more than once you're playing with it. While I have always heeded this advice is public restrooms we have all ran into someone who never recieved or defiantly ignored the suggestion. When this guy's stream finishes he immediately begins to shake his member like he has been tasered in an apparent attempt to eliminate the possibility of ever having to go again. Sometimes, he will lean both hands against the wall and simply shake his body. Fans convicted of this will be forced to watch the rest of the event wearing a straight jacket.

There is no time to waste! The next time Bones goes to an event he expects to see a colony of bathroom bandit officers in every latrine.