Bones appreciates the outpouring of love and support he has recieved on grillenwitgill. For the next couple days I will be doing some much needed grammar corrections (figure out the difference between their and there) and try to add some new features to the blog. While I am doing this one of my brothers, (You may have noticed I always say "one" of my brothers or sisters. Bones is the oldest of 6 children. How my parents did not appreciate perfection and stop with me I will never know.) has agreed to write a blog. His given name is Daniel but he is known to Bones only as Little Orphan Danny because of the extreme case of paranoia he possesses. Since the age of 10 he has falsely believed our parents have a vendetta against him. Because of this he calls them by their first name and at one point demanded to be called Marcus. He constantly states our house "is not his real home" and he desires to leave the family. Thus the nickname. In spite of this the Notorious LOD is quite funny. Maybe not side-splittingly hilarious like Bones but funny. He is a huge fan of Andy Roddick, The Phoenix Suns and the Washington Redskins. LOD also is 16 years old and wears a top hat and listens to Frank Sinatra, so who knows what the hell to expect. However, the kids got heart and he's related to me so I am expecting great things. Without furthur ado I present Little Orphan Danny's first entry.
Hello, I believe Bones has already introduced me by one of my many names, Little Ophan Danny. I would like to get a few things out of the way before I begin. The first thing is that Bones is the puppet and I am the puppet master. I am Japeto, he is Pinnochio the only difference being he will never be a real boy. I have dominated him since the moment of my birth. As for my apparent paranoia I assure you that it is not without grounds. I am the least favorite child. My parents make me sit at a separate table from the rest of the family during dinner and I am forced to eat Oat Bran cereal for all three meals of the day. Sometimes, I am given the right to use the milk before its due date. Many times I have thought about leaving the house and going to live in the mountains. However, this escape extremely difficult considering I am tied to my bedpost at night. My lone joy in life is when I get out of the house on odd weekends. As an introduction into my multi-dimensional mind I would like to share with you a couple of my favorite sports personalities.
Putting my right hand on the clutch and switching gears I will talk about three of my favorite sports figues. The first is Patrick Ramsey, LOD's all-time favorite quarterback and the best quarterback in the history of the NFL. Just because he has never played in a playoff game or in full season means very little. He has a cannon for an arm and has been put in terrible circumstances. Let us consider his first coach, Steve Spurrier, the very definition of a chief. Ramsey's first season consisted of him dropping back and having less than a second on his feet before a cascade of defensive linesman would annililate him into the ground. It was more heartbreaking to watch than A Walk to Remember starring Mandy Moore. Now most people would have given up after this point and gone to live in a A Van down by the River, but Ramsey being the man he is, put his career back together like a chef would put together a well crafted omelet and can now be seen starring on the practice field for the Denver Broncos.
Number two on my list is Jason Williams, aka White Chocolate, the magician, or Luke Skywalker. If you are wondering about the last nickname, the reason behind it is that his passes were so surreal that many people just assumed he used the force. I can say with confidence I believe that claim to be false. Many people have posed the question to me, "Why is this man your favorite player? My answer would simply be that watching him play brings joy to LOD's heart. I am not actually allowed to watch TV but through ingenious planning I have found a way, while doing my 7 hours of nightly chores, to watch through a series of mirrors. Sadly, he retired before the beginning of this season. After a brief morning period of two weeks I resumed eating and drinking.
Last on my list and the final part of this three piece puzzle is Andy Roddick. I have followed every match of this man's career since I was but a young child. Another thing ,while humbling to say for LOD, is that he has better game with the ladies than I. His list of girlfriends includes Mandy Moore, LOD's favorite actress, and his fiancee Brooklyn Decker, not too shabby. Roddick's up and down career has brought both sprint around the house joy and walk through the neighborhood crying sadness but I love him all the same.
We have reached the end of the journey that is LOD's first blog. I will end with a little poem that I believe sums up the experience.
I do not know what the time is,
but I do know where my dime is,
I am drinking a Coca Cola,
and dating a women named Anola
Anola is so sweet
the other day she layed down a beat,
I moved to it with my feet
while reading a book
and crossing a brook
you see I was running after a crook
and now I see the sun is setting
which means i have run out of time
to find my dime.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
BE A MAN!!!
Admittingly, Bones is not what one would call a man's man. He does not hunt, fish or watch Nascar. As he has stated before he has many similarities with Noah in the Notebook but building a house with his bare hands in unfortunately not one of them. He also does not know how to change the oil in his car, bleed breaks or (gasp) change a tire. (My only explanation for this is that when I was a child my father used to observe me drain thousands of perfect jump shots every day in our driveway. Pretending my dad is southern he must have said to himself, "that boy is kinda a runt, ain't got a lick of common sense and don't know the daggum difference between his ass and his elbow but by golly he can shoot those damn buckets. He is going to make me rich one day." Witnessing a 10 year old destroy net after net with perfect 30 foot rainbows caused him to think I would never have to perform such menial tasks and thus, he did not teach me. In his vicarious day dream he forgot about trivial facets of the game like the crossover dribble, rebounding and as my college coach and these guys will tell you, defense. Because of this my professional career with the Richmond Ballerz was shorter than Midget Mac.) However, this does not mean Bones is not a man. Bones loves sports, beer, wings and drives an Accord. More importantly, there are many things that he will not do that those who do not take their manhood seriously will. Bones will never take part in the following atrocities and those who do need to watch out for falling cans of Beast.
1) Wear a scarf - This one is obvious. Men should not wear accesories. Bones wears shoes to lessen the impact his feet have on the ground, long pants when it is cold, hats when it is sunny and shirts to prevent his life from turning into an axe commercial. I have never looked into the mirror before going out and thought, "You know what, this outfit needs more ooomph." Men who wear scarves either take themselves to seriously, have a girlfriend who owns them or are not men at all. You can argue all you want but when you end up like this guy don't say Bones didn't warn you.
2) Hang out at Starbucks - Bones does not drink caffeine because he believes needing to rely on anything other than the man upstairs and Rex Kwan D0 is weakminded. I cannot expect everyone to have my mental toughness and I will not punish those who simply need to get their caffeine fix from one of these institunes. However, I do advise that you wear ear plugs, write down your order as opposed to saying it and leave the second your hand is grasping one of those sleeves that insures you don't burn your little fingers. When Mrs. Bones frequents these metrosexual havens I sit in the car, listen to sports on the radio and grunt a lot just to be safe. I interated this practice because everytime Bones ventured inside and heard a "man" say, "I would like a tall non-fat Chai Tea Latte" and then heard a male Starbucks employee repeat it like he was Fro in Austin Powers a little part of him died inside. Call me an overeactor but if you know what this guy is talking about , then it is already too late.
3) Listen to Ushers New Song - The track entitled Trading Places perplexes Bones to say the least. Why would a man ever want to be treated like a woman? Mrs. Bones arms are shorter than the enemies of Mick Dundee and Bones admits he enjoys the yearly time she offers to pick up the tab. That is the only time your loyal narrator enjoys gender role reversal. In the song Usher states he wants "his girl to open his door" and make him, "say ooh wee and tell me to shut up before the neighbors hear me." If a girl either does either of forementioned you are either David Spade or need to take your manhood a little more seriously. Fans of this song can refuse to look in the mirror all they want but don't call Bones when your girlfriend is doing this to you.
1) Wear a scarf - This one is obvious. Men should not wear accesories. Bones wears shoes to lessen the impact his feet have on the ground, long pants when it is cold, hats when it is sunny and shirts to prevent his life from turning into an axe commercial. I have never looked into the mirror before going out and thought, "You know what, this outfit needs more ooomph." Men who wear scarves either take themselves to seriously, have a girlfriend who owns them or are not men at all. You can argue all you want but when you end up like this guy don't say Bones didn't warn you.
2) Hang out at Starbucks - Bones does not drink caffeine because he believes needing to rely on anything other than the man upstairs and Rex Kwan D0 is weakminded. I cannot expect everyone to have my mental toughness and I will not punish those who simply need to get their caffeine fix from one of these institunes. However, I do advise that you wear ear plugs, write down your order as opposed to saying it and leave the second your hand is grasping one of those sleeves that insures you don't burn your little fingers. When Mrs. Bones frequents these metrosexual havens I sit in the car, listen to sports on the radio and grunt a lot just to be safe. I interated this practice because everytime Bones ventured inside and heard a "man" say, "I would like a tall non-fat Chai Tea Latte" and then heard a male Starbucks employee repeat it like he was Fro in Austin Powers a little part of him died inside. Call me an overeactor but if you know what this guy is talking about , then it is already too late.
3) Listen to Ushers New Song - The track entitled Trading Places perplexes Bones to say the least. Why would a man ever want to be treated like a woman? Mrs. Bones arms are shorter than the enemies of Mick Dundee and Bones admits he enjoys the yearly time she offers to pick up the tab. That is the only time your loyal narrator enjoys gender role reversal. In the song Usher states he wants "his girl to open his door" and make him, "say ooh wee and tell me to shut up before the neighbors hear me." If a girl either does either of forementioned you are either David Spade or need to take your manhood a little more seriously. Fans of this song can refuse to look in the mirror all they want but don't call Bones when your girlfriend is doing this to you.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
The Greatest CD Ever
Remember when Tom Cruise was relevant? Before he started jumping on couches, chastising morning talk show hosts and starring in movies set in Germany without a hint of a German accent. Hard to imagine that not that long ago he was the young stud in Top Gun and Days of Thunder. So what causes Bones to mention the master of the physciatry? Many of you readers may not know this but back in his prime Mr. Cruise starred in a small Indie movie called Jerry Maguire. In the movie a hot shot sports agent grows tired of the corruption that is prevelant in the industry and decides to set out on his own. Mr. Macguire struggles at first but in this scene Jerry believes he has just landed the future number one draft pick in the NFL. He is in a position we have all encountered. Everything in your life is either going completely right or completely wrong and all you have is the road and the radio. You need a great song to either take you even higher on cloud 9 or make you forget your struggles. As you frantically switch from station to station it is unknown what song you are looking for but when you find it there is no better feeling except for this. However, sometimes you can simply not find a decent song. After seeking through the entire FM repetoire you are left trying to convince yourself singing along to YMCA will satisfy your desires. "But Bones what about CDs?" Is there anything more annoying then putting in The Life and Times of Sean Carter Volume 2, going to track 11 and then realizing Big Pimpin is actually on volume 3, which is not in the car? The answer is obviously no. The solution is a CD Bones has created that encompasses the top 7 sing along songs. All moods and genres are covered. Simply burn and keep in your car. You will know when it's time to hit play.
1) Stay- Lisa Lobe - This song may be corny but is the perfect remedy to a boring day. When Bones is driving 45 in the right hand lane of the highway, in hopes of turning a 40 minute drive for work into an hour long affair, the feeling that comes over him when Ms. Lobe comes on the adult contemporary airwaves can best be described as magical. It evokes memories of an 8th grade Bones rocking a bowl cut and a Kordell Stewart jersey belting out the lyrics. When racalling that questionable trio of decisions it is amazing their was eventually a desire for a Mrs. Bones.
2) T.I.- What you know about that - Even though Bones knows nothing about anything the King of the South is talking about and this song is closer to his actual lifestyle he simply loves singing along to this song. Why do people who know nothing about the hard life not feel the least bit awkward when flowing to the lyrics of such a song? In his life Bones has never seen a loaded 44, owned a Louis nap sack or been seen "Ridin wid a couple latin brawds and a china doll." In spite of this during his entire senior year of college he pressed repeat and rapped along with Mr. I all day long.
3) The Outfield- Your Love - While at a house party a couple of years ago Bones heard this gem and turned to the his previously mentioned friend Jayson Hanky, who wanted me to clarify he no longer rocks the combover and coincidentally has a girlfriend because he could no longer drive the Southern Belles wild, and said "This song is amazing how come it's never on the radio?" To which Mr. Hanky replied, "because it came out in the mid 80s you moron." Who knew? This night was life altering for Bones as he has spent over 1,000 hours since crooning to the lyrics of this song. "You know I'd do anything for you/ Stay the night but keep it undercover." Exactly.
4) Neil Diamond- Sweet Caroline - Bones knows less than 20 words of this song but it simply does not matter. There is not a greater feeling of unadultered bliss in this world then being at a wedding and hearing "reaching out, touching you, touching me." For those 5 seconds Bones anticipation is higher than the most avid Lost fan's will be tonight at 7:59 Eastern. (How are they going to get back to the island?) And then it comes. The best 20 seconds of the entire ceremony, ages 5 to 105 belting out "SWEET CAROLINA DUN DUNT DUN GOOD TIMES NEVER FELT SO GOOD!, SO GOOD!.
5) Drowning Pool- Let the bodies hit the Floor - Ussually Bones does not listen to "heavy metal" or whatever this song is categorized as but this song really hits the spot when he either has too much energy or has just seen a Clint Eastwood Movie. Recently, on a visit to his parents house Bones cleared out the room, played this song and proceded to dance like Bam Margera for the duration. My mother then informed me that I was a special child whom she loved very much but I would not be welcomed back to her residence without proof that I had saught therapy. To which I replied 1, Nothings wrong with me 2, Nothings wrong with me 3, Nothings wrong with me at 4 my youngest sister started crying and I departed.
6) Big Tymers - Still Fly -Bones loves this song because it was on his mixed CD at beach week, because the refrain is catchy (Gator boots with a pimped out Gucci Suit) and because it sheds light on America's current economic crisis. The song is about being broke while managing to stay fly. At one point in the song Baby and Manny Fresh state that "they have a quarter tank of gas in their new E-Class." Thus telling the listener that although they cannot afford gas they have just purchased a new Mercedez-Benz. Why not buy a car you can afford and gets great gas mileage? Because this is America damnit!
7) Def Leapord -Pour Some Sugar On Me - Although Bones is not personally a fan of this song many are and more importantly it gives him a chance to tell a good story about himself. About a month ago Bones was at a local watering hole when this song came on. As often happens a brilliant idea came into his mind. I proceded to pay the bartender a dollar for a shot of sugar, slide into a circle of girls and dump the sweet substance all over my face. The result was laughter from my friends, shock (at both my good looks and actions) from the girls and skepticism from Mrs. Bones when my cheek still tasted like sugar the next day.
CDs can be ordered for the one-time low low price of 17.99 and Disc 2 which features Rihanna's Umbrella will be thrown in absolutely free if you pick up the phone and dial (1-800-BONES) right now.
1) Stay- Lisa Lobe - This song may be corny but is the perfect remedy to a boring day. When Bones is driving 45 in the right hand lane of the highway, in hopes of turning a 40 minute drive for work into an hour long affair, the feeling that comes over him when Ms. Lobe comes on the adult contemporary airwaves can best be described as magical. It evokes memories of an 8th grade Bones rocking a bowl cut and a Kordell Stewart jersey belting out the lyrics. When racalling that questionable trio of decisions it is amazing their was eventually a desire for a Mrs. Bones.
2) T.I.- What you know about that - Even though Bones knows nothing about anything the King of the South is talking about and this song is closer to his actual lifestyle he simply loves singing along to this song. Why do people who know nothing about the hard life not feel the least bit awkward when flowing to the lyrics of such a song? In his life Bones has never seen a loaded 44, owned a Louis nap sack or been seen "Ridin wid a couple latin brawds and a china doll." In spite of this during his entire senior year of college he pressed repeat and rapped along with Mr. I all day long.
3) The Outfield- Your Love - While at a house party a couple of years ago Bones heard this gem and turned to the his previously mentioned friend Jayson Hanky, who wanted me to clarify he no longer rocks the combover and coincidentally has a girlfriend because he could no longer drive the Southern Belles wild, and said "This song is amazing how come it's never on the radio?" To which Mr. Hanky replied, "because it came out in the mid 80s you moron." Who knew? This night was life altering for Bones as he has spent over 1,000 hours since crooning to the lyrics of this song. "You know I'd do anything for you/ Stay the night but keep it undercover." Exactly.
4) Neil Diamond- Sweet Caroline - Bones knows less than 20 words of this song but it simply does not matter. There is not a greater feeling of unadultered bliss in this world then being at a wedding and hearing "reaching out, touching you, touching me." For those 5 seconds Bones anticipation is higher than the most avid Lost fan's will be tonight at 7:59 Eastern. (How are they going to get back to the island?) And then it comes. The best 20 seconds of the entire ceremony, ages 5 to 105 belting out "SWEET CAROLINA DUN DUNT DUN GOOD TIMES NEVER FELT SO GOOD!, SO GOOD!.
5) Drowning Pool- Let the bodies hit the Floor - Ussually Bones does not listen to "heavy metal" or whatever this song is categorized as but this song really hits the spot when he either has too much energy or has just seen a Clint Eastwood Movie. Recently, on a visit to his parents house Bones cleared out the room, played this song and proceded to dance like Bam Margera for the duration. My mother then informed me that I was a special child whom she loved very much but I would not be welcomed back to her residence without proof that I had saught therapy. To which I replied 1, Nothings wrong with me 2, Nothings wrong with me 3, Nothings wrong with me at 4 my youngest sister started crying and I departed.
6) Big Tymers - Still Fly -Bones loves this song because it was on his mixed CD at beach week, because the refrain is catchy (Gator boots with a pimped out Gucci Suit) and because it sheds light on America's current economic crisis. The song is about being broke while managing to stay fly. At one point in the song Baby and Manny Fresh state that "they have a quarter tank of gas in their new E-Class." Thus telling the listener that although they cannot afford gas they have just purchased a new Mercedez-Benz. Why not buy a car you can afford and gets great gas mileage? Because this is America damnit!
7) Def Leapord -Pour Some Sugar On Me - Although Bones is not personally a fan of this song many are and more importantly it gives him a chance to tell a good story about himself. About a month ago Bones was at a local watering hole when this song came on. As often happens a brilliant idea came into his mind. I proceded to pay the bartender a dollar for a shot of sugar, slide into a circle of girls and dump the sweet substance all over my face. The result was laughter from my friends, shock (at both my good looks and actions) from the girls and skepticism from Mrs. Bones when my cheek still tasted like sugar the next day.
CDs can be ordered for the one-time low low price of 17.99 and Disc 2 which features Rihanna's Umbrella will be thrown in absolutely free if you pick up the phone and dial (1-800-BONES) right now.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Bones crosses Boundaries
There are certain things that Bones simply does not think are funny. Among them are racist jokes, sex jokes and bathroom humor. Whenever someone starts in with one of these jokes Bones pretends to listen but is secretely thinking about themoment he was ushered into adulthood by Cameron Diaz at Bart Carrique's 11th birthday party (an epic sleepover that consisted of The Mask, Three Ninjas, Ace Ventura and a lot of Mountain Dew. Ahhh, to be young again) and does not hear a word. In spite of this Bones is about to ignore his hatred of bathroom humor and go where no blogger has dare ventured. You see right now it is 3:45 and I have shattered my personal record of latest lunch break ever, previously stood at 3:07, by still not satysfying the seemingly unquenchable hunger that is currently possessing my body. I wish I could tell my loyal readers that I just became mentally tougher overnight but then I would be a bigger liar than the guys on ToolAcademy. Simply put, Bones has not taken lunch because he can't. You see Bones has a mild stomach disease that requires him to undergo a procedure tommorrow that is ussually reserved for our friends that have been on this earth at least 60 years. A procedure that causes him to fast for 24 hours and drink disgusting syrup that will result in him impersonating HarryDunne all night. "Bones please tell me your not going to do what I think your going to do." Yes, my soon to not be so loyal leaders, the running commentary has returned with the setting shifting from one place of work to another.
8:00: Bones must drink 8, 10-ounce glasses of syrupy laxative inbetween 7:30 and 9:30, around ten the true festivities should begin. Try to mask your excitment. The reader should keep in mind that while I write this I am completely delirious. I have not eaten for over 12 hours and have digested 16 ounces of liquid death. To try and understand what Bones is drinking imagine something with the texture of Aunt Jemima and the tast of bile. I am not exaggerating. Time for round 3, try not hit refresh too many times inbetween posts.
8:49: I am 50 ounces deep and have never felt worse in my life. They seriously should consider making Navy Seals drink 200 ounces of this stuff as their final test. It is the exact opposite of drinking beer. When drinking Beast in college you can always just tell yourself to get through the first 5 and it won't matter. With this stuff each subsequent glass is worse than the one before. But Bones is resilent. Time for round 6, please Sir can I have another.
9:20: We have lift-off.
10:15: Bones made it through 7 glasses of the laxative, is inbetween trips to the war room and his stomach is rumbling like LardAss' in Stand by Me. The fact that I was dry heaving after every sip have made me call the procedure off. I may have one the battle but this evil liquid is beginning to win the war.
2:00 AM: I believe the trips to the war room are over. Saying I am hungry would be like saying that KatefromLost looks good in a bikini. In previous entries I have made fun of women who go on crash diets. Never again, anyone who goes without eating for more than 6 hours by choice now has my utmost respect. On a positive note I was able to watch some basketball tonight and made some observations. TylerHansborough cannot breathe through his nose, the Nuggets average at least 15 tatoos per player and Arizona is the worst coached college basketball team I have ever seen. Despite the fact it sounds like LloydChristmas is currently inhabiting my stomach I am going to try and get some sleep before my 7:50 appoinment with the devil.
Friday)
1:00 PM: Fear not my friends Bones is alive, unscathed and was completely unconsious when violated so there will be no scarring memories. The whole in my stomach has reached such a size that these spiders wouldn't stand chance. Thank you for all the support throughout the process. I am going to go eat Olive Garden's endless pasta as an appatizer, demolish Golden Corral buffet for the main course and punish a Jersey Mike's foot long for desert.
8:00: Bones must drink 8, 10-ounce glasses of syrupy laxative inbetween 7:30 and 9:30, around ten the true festivities should begin. Try to mask your excitment. The reader should keep in mind that while I write this I am completely delirious. I have not eaten for over 12 hours and have digested 16 ounces of liquid death. To try and understand what Bones is drinking imagine something with the texture of Aunt Jemima and the tast of bile. I am not exaggerating. Time for round 3, try not hit refresh too many times inbetween posts.
8:49: I am 50 ounces deep and have never felt worse in my life. They seriously should consider making Navy Seals drink 200 ounces of this stuff as their final test. It is the exact opposite of drinking beer. When drinking Beast in college you can always just tell yourself to get through the first 5 and it won't matter. With this stuff each subsequent glass is worse than the one before. But Bones is resilent. Time for round 6, please Sir can I have another.
9:20: We have lift-off.
10:15: Bones made it through 7 glasses of the laxative, is inbetween trips to the war room and his stomach is rumbling like LardAss' in Stand by Me. The fact that I was dry heaving after every sip have made me call the procedure off. I may have one the battle but this evil liquid is beginning to win the war.
2:00 AM: I believe the trips to the war room are over. Saying I am hungry would be like saying that KatefromLost looks good in a bikini. In previous entries I have made fun of women who go on crash diets. Never again, anyone who goes without eating for more than 6 hours by choice now has my utmost respect. On a positive note I was able to watch some basketball tonight and made some observations. TylerHansborough cannot breathe through his nose, the Nuggets average at least 15 tatoos per player and Arizona is the worst coached college basketball team I have ever seen. Despite the fact it sounds like LloydChristmas is currently inhabiting my stomach I am going to try and get some sleep before my 7:50 appoinment with the devil.
Friday)
1:00 PM: Fear not my friends Bones is alive, unscathed and was completely unconsious when violated so there will be no scarring memories. The whole in my stomach has reached such a size that these spiders wouldn't stand chance. Thank you for all the support throughout the process. I am going to go eat Olive Garden's endless pasta as an appatizer, demolish Golden Corral buffet for the main course and punish a Jersey Mike's foot long for desert.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
OH HOW I MISS CHAUNCEY
Ahhhh, the last day of Blogness. It has been quite a holiday I must say. This last entry will be short and bittersweet. I can only manage to write a word or two at a time without starting to feel tears coming on and looking away from the screen. It is kinda how I felt during the movie Marley and Me. There were a lot of reasons I should not have been emotionally moved by this film, 1). It was not a good movie 2) I have never had a dog 3) My little brothers were cracking up hysterically and talking about what an awful movie it was right beside me and 4) If you think about it you should never cry at a movie. I mean I am on the verge of crying because a dog, who I already knew was going to die, is getting put to sleep as Owen Wilson pets him. This is the same guy that I saw for the first time in BehindEnemyLines and wondered what the hell was wrong with his nose, the same guy who is my favorite character in my favorite movie TheWendallBakerStory and the same guy that was in Wedding Crashers. I know this scene is not real and that Owen Wison is probably laughing and making out with Jennifer Anniston between takes but yet I am still pulling my hat over my eyes. Anyways, they say one of the most important steps in recovery is acceptance so the next few paragraphs are a step in the right direction for Bones.
OH HOW I MISS CHAUNCEY)
It has been 32 games since Detroit dealt my favorite player in any sport, ever, Chauncey Billups, to the Nuggetts. Like when Patty Puppernickle dumped me for standing under Jackie Johnson while she was on the monkey bars in sixth trade it has still not sunk in and still makes no sense. Bones simply does not understand what Joe Dumars was trying to accomplish. He said that the Pistons could not win the NBA championship with their current team, so he needed to mix things up. Can the win the NBA championship now? Absolutely not! The idea that the trade was made to clear up cap space for the free agent class of 2010 is equally rediculous. Is LeBron going to shun Cleveland and New York to play in Detroit? Is Dwayne Wade going to leave South Beach to live in a city that is known for being bitterly cold, having a struggling economy and a lagging night life? Is Chris Bosh going to reject offers to join Wade or LeBron wherever they land so he can hoop with Rodney Stucky in MoTown? The answers to all these questions in obviously no. So all the trade really did was rob Pistons fans of 10 wins a season, a round of the playoffs and their favorite player.
The team looks completely lost without Mr. Big Shot and started a line up of Stuckey, AI, Rip, Teyshaun King and Sheed last night. This brilliant strategy wouldn't even be legal in fantasy, which should be the main factor in all of a coach's decisions, and resulted in a loss to the lowly Bobcats. Most importantly, the trade has robbed me of almost all interest I had in the team. They have been on TV at least three times since the trade and I have not watched a single play. I feel no ill will towards Iverson but he does not fit in with the teams personal. Hopefully, I will come around by the playoffs but for now it is to painful to watch the game and not see Billups draining set 3s, hitting RIP coming off curls and big boying fellow point guards in the post. Chauncey seems to have moved on as evidenced by the 30 he dropped on Detroit. As the tears rain down on my laptop, potentially ruining the modern machine, I guess it is time for Bones to move on as well.
OH HOW I MISS CHAUNCEY)
It has been 32 games since Detroit dealt my favorite player in any sport, ever, Chauncey Billups, to the Nuggetts. Like when Patty Puppernickle dumped me for standing under Jackie Johnson while she was on the monkey bars in sixth trade it has still not sunk in and still makes no sense. Bones simply does not understand what Joe Dumars was trying to accomplish. He said that the Pistons could not win the NBA championship with their current team, so he needed to mix things up. Can the win the NBA championship now? Absolutely not! The idea that the trade was made to clear up cap space for the free agent class of 2010 is equally rediculous. Is LeBron going to shun Cleveland and New York to play in Detroit? Is Dwayne Wade going to leave South Beach to live in a city that is known for being bitterly cold, having a struggling economy and a lagging night life? Is Chris Bosh going to reject offers to join Wade or LeBron wherever they land so he can hoop with Rodney Stucky in MoTown? The answers to all these questions in obviously no. So all the trade really did was rob Pistons fans of 10 wins a season, a round of the playoffs and their favorite player.
The team looks completely lost without Mr. Big Shot and started a line up of Stuckey, AI, Rip, Teyshaun King and Sheed last night. This brilliant strategy wouldn't even be legal in fantasy, which should be the main factor in all of a coach's decisions, and resulted in a loss to the lowly Bobcats. Most importantly, the trade has robbed me of almost all interest I had in the team. They have been on TV at least three times since the trade and I have not watched a single play. I feel no ill will towards Iverson but he does not fit in with the teams personal. Hopefully, I will come around by the playoffs but for now it is to painful to watch the game and not see Billups draining set 3s, hitting RIP coming off curls and big boying fellow point guards in the post. Chauncey seems to have moved on as evidenced by the 30 he dropped on Detroit. As the tears rain down on my laptop, potentially ruining the modern machine, I guess it is time for Bones to move on as well.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
2 Pro Bowl Brothers
The 8 days of Blogness continues to shun all traditional concepts of time and leaves mere mortals guessing how long 8 days actually lasts on Bones' calender. Fear no more. The festivities end this weekend as Bones can no longer deal with the rigid structure he has set for himself. Like, WhiteGoodman I like to grab life by the horns, literally, but not really, and scoff at the rigid societal stipulations so many let regulate their lives. I refuse to let material things like a job, money, friends or bathing regularly determine my happiness. In fact right now I am rowing Mrs. Bones in the exact same lake and boat that were used in TheNotebook (who knew that epic love story could also be used as a drinking game), just because I wanted to do something romantic. The conclusion of the eight days of blogness will leave me feeling more free than Red at the end of The Shawshank Redemption and ease the minds of my loyal readers.
2 Brothers Manning
One might expect this to be a sentimental entry about how special I think it is that two brothers defied the long odds and both became Pro Bowl quarterbacks. Obviously, one does not know Bones. On the second day of Blognesss I aim to prove that the Manning brothers are actually not related at all. Bones personallybelieves that while Peyton is Archie's biological son, Eli is not. Anyone who listens to sports talk radio is a loser. Wait, what I meant was anyone who listens to sports talk radio knows that Archie Manning's goal on this earth is to be on the air waves as often as possible. Twenty years ago Archie was overheard saying, "I know Peyton's success will provide me some opportunities but the people of America will not be able to escape my voice if I can somehow add another NFL QB to the Manning lineage". Because of this I am almost 100 percent certain that around this time Mr. Manning heard about a young phenom in Idaho named Rico Dynamite Jr. He could throw a pigskin a quarter mile and clear over mountains at the age of 7. So Archie traveled to the home of Ian Johnson armed with only a timemachine, a promise of free steak for life and a jacuzzi where Rico Dynamite Sr. could soak up life with his soulmate and convinced the vagabond to let him nurture his son into a Hall of Fame QB. It pained Dynamite Sr. to let his young boy go but sales of the bust must plus were lagging and he really loves steak. "Bones, Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Yes, Eli Manning is Uncle Rico's son and has no relation to Peyton or Archie. The above documented story and the discrepencies between the brothers listed below prove it.
1) Eli and Peyton look nothing alike: I am not saying all siblings look exactly alike but in most cases there is at least a vague resemblence. These supposed brothers do not share even one physical similarity, (unless you count slapping both thighs with an open hand patty cake style after picks a physical similarity). A prime example is their hair. Peyton Manning has the hair of the friend you have that you would think had a receding hair line if you weren't friends with him and knew better. At parties people say, "man I feel sorry for your friend going bald so early" and Bones responds "Yea, it does but he deserves it," even though I know it has looked like that since he was nine. On the opposite end of the spectrum Eli possesses the same distinguished comb over that JaysonHanky, the Wilson Brothers and yes Uncle Rico use to drive southern belles wild.
2) Their personalities are polar opposites: Can you imagine Eli hosting Saturday Night Live? The only way that would be fun to watch is if he got to rifle spirals at a bullseye 5 yards away and treat Tiki Barber to trips to a dunk tank for the duration of the show. Somehow his "brother" Peyton was the best Saturday Night Live host I have ever seen, is the star in the funniest commercials on TV and would be an unreal addition to The Office upon retirement. Peyton loves the limelight like Archie and Eli struggles to make home videos like Uncle Rico. Hmmmmm.
3) Their throwing motions: Next time you have a free minute, so right now, go watch the scene in Napolean Dynamite where Uncle Rico makes a video of himself throwing a football. Uncle Rico and Eli's drop back, release point, follow through and manerisms are so similar it is uncanny. Also note that Eli's only complaint about football is that people cannot see your headband while you play. Then get ahold of an old tape of Archie Manning and notice the same similarities between he and Peyton.
4) The Oreo Commercial: If you are somehow still doubting Bones' theory, simply watch this video and you will become an instant believer. Notice that Eli calls Peyton "Bro" in the way DerekZoolander used it and not as his actual brother. However, the main point to be drawn from the commercial is that two real brothers would never let this happen. If you have a brother, think of the two of you were in this situation. You're both rich, famous, Super Bowl winning quarterbacks who do not need a dime. When it got down to it wouldn't you look at each other at the same time and say, "Look loser if you want to go through with this I'm fine. It is actually what I would expect out of a person like you but there is no way I am licking an Oreo on national television and then having a conversation with an idiot like you with white icing all over my face."
2 Brothers Manning
One might expect this to be a sentimental entry about how special I think it is that two brothers defied the long odds and both became Pro Bowl quarterbacks. Obviously, one does not know Bones. On the second day of Blognesss I aim to prove that the Manning brothers are actually not related at all. Bones personallybelieves that while Peyton is Archie's biological son, Eli is not. Anyone who listens to sports talk radio is a loser. Wait, what I meant was anyone who listens to sports talk radio knows that Archie Manning's goal on this earth is to be on the air waves as often as possible. Twenty years ago Archie was overheard saying, "I know Peyton's success will provide me some opportunities but the people of America will not be able to escape my voice if I can somehow add another NFL QB to the Manning lineage". Because of this I am almost 100 percent certain that around this time Mr. Manning heard about a young phenom in Idaho named Rico Dynamite Jr. He could throw a pigskin a quarter mile and clear over mountains at the age of 7. So Archie traveled to the home of Ian Johnson armed with only a timemachine, a promise of free steak for life and a jacuzzi where Rico Dynamite Sr. could soak up life with his soulmate and convinced the vagabond to let him nurture his son into a Hall of Fame QB. It pained Dynamite Sr. to let his young boy go but sales of the bust must plus were lagging and he really loves steak. "Bones, Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Yes, Eli Manning is Uncle Rico's son and has no relation to Peyton or Archie. The above documented story and the discrepencies between the brothers listed below prove it.
1) Eli and Peyton look nothing alike: I am not saying all siblings look exactly alike but in most cases there is at least a vague resemblence. These supposed brothers do not share even one physical similarity, (unless you count slapping both thighs with an open hand patty cake style after picks a physical similarity). A prime example is their hair. Peyton Manning has the hair of the friend you have that you would think had a receding hair line if you weren't friends with him and knew better. At parties people say, "man I feel sorry for your friend going bald so early" and Bones responds "Yea, it does but he deserves it," even though I know it has looked like that since he was nine. On the opposite end of the spectrum Eli possesses the same distinguished comb over that JaysonHanky, the Wilson Brothers and yes Uncle Rico use to drive southern belles wild.
2) Their personalities are polar opposites: Can you imagine Eli hosting Saturday Night Live? The only way that would be fun to watch is if he got to rifle spirals at a bullseye 5 yards away and treat Tiki Barber to trips to a dunk tank for the duration of the show. Somehow his "brother" Peyton was the best Saturday Night Live host I have ever seen, is the star in the funniest commercials on TV and would be an unreal addition to The Office upon retirement. Peyton loves the limelight like Archie and Eli struggles to make home videos like Uncle Rico. Hmmmmm.
3) Their throwing motions: Next time you have a free minute, so right now, go watch the scene in Napolean Dynamite where Uncle Rico makes a video of himself throwing a football. Uncle Rico and Eli's drop back, release point, follow through and manerisms are so similar it is uncanny. Also note that Eli's only complaint about football is that people cannot see your headband while you play. Then get ahold of an old tape of Archie Manning and notice the same similarities between he and Peyton.
4) The Oreo Commercial: If you are somehow still doubting Bones' theory, simply watch this video and you will become an instant believer. Notice that Eli calls Peyton "Bro" in the way DerekZoolander used it and not as his actual brother. However, the main point to be drawn from the commercial is that two real brothers would never let this happen. If you have a brother, think of the two of you were in this situation. You're both rich, famous, Super Bowl winning quarterbacks who do not need a dime. When it got down to it wouldn't you look at each other at the same time and say, "Look loser if you want to go through with this I'm fine. It is actually what I would expect out of a person like you but there is no way I am licking an Oreo on national television and then having a conversation with an idiot like you with white icing all over my face."
Monday, January 5, 2009
3 Favorite Teams
Bones hopes everyone had an enjoyable and relaxing holiday season. Your loyal narrator's could not have gone any better. I got all the presents on my brief but logical list and my mommy even added a bonus to help me out with my cooking. If you want to dress like Bones does when he fires up the grill click here. I also got to see a bunch of my old high school friends, that I do not really like but always make me feel smarter, and spend time with my family. My only regret is that I forgot to include the always hilarious and original "see you next year," comment at the end of my last 2008 post. The fact that I have not been at work much lately has led to a lull in the 8 days of blogness. These empty 7 days will become part of the holiday and from now on will be known only as the period of perpetual longing. My friends at google called me seconds ago and let me know that my overzealous readers had clicked refresh a combined 3,333,333 times. Is it a coincidence that my three favorite teams was the next entree to be devoured on Bones' plate . I know my readers better than that.
Strangely, the current state of my three favorite sports teams is closely associated with good looking freshman that gain weight in college. While they all have strong roots and were attractive at some point they have slowly started to erode and have added the dreaded "Freshman 15" and in some cases more.
3 Favorite Teams
3) Pistons- The Pistons are like the hot freshman that gains 15 pounds in the first month of school and never gains or loses any weight the rest of the year. Yes, she still looks pretty good (they will probably be the 4 seed in the East), there are days when she is still hot (current 7 game winning streak) and you would still like to make out with her (I still follow them vehemently and Walter Hermann has smoother hair than any girl I have ever seen) but she is just not the same. Everytime you see her/them on a bad day you want to immediately start singing Track1 on the Righteous Brothers greatest hits album. The Pistons should still be good for awhile but will never win the title with their current team. Like the girl who stays slightly overweight they will continue to be acceptable but will eventually become irrelevant like she often does by sophomore year.
2) Redskins- The Washington Redskins have become the gorgeous girl who gains thirty pounds and then goes on a series of crash diets followed by a series of fast food ones. Some days she looks great and you think she has turned the corner (wins at dallas and philadelphia) and then two weeks later she is pumping the ketchup dispenser straight into her mouth (losses to Rams and Bengals). The reality is this girl will never completely turn the corner until cafeteria food is no longer part of her life and the Redskins will never completely turn the corner until Dan Snyder is no longer part of theirs. Fortunately for this girl she must only wait four years to get rid of her white whale while the Redskins will have to wait decades.
1)Orioles - The Orioles have become the semi-attractive girl who gained 20 pounds, decided she doesn't really care what she looks like and began having meatball eating contests with Mongo from Lamda in the cafeteria for all to see. They are an absolute embarrasment and their owner simply does not care. To understand the Orioles you need look no furthur than the recent Mark Texeira sweetpstakes. Because of his roots in Maryland Texeira may have actually considered the lowly Os if they had made a decent offer. However, they made a low ball offer they knew he would refuse, to try and convince their fan base they were trying. In addition to missing on Texeira the Orioles have still not re-signed Nick Markakis or Brian Roberts. The Orioles seem to get worse and worse every year and if they keep it up they will have to get a special ordered XXXXL gown for graduation.
Strangely, the current state of my three favorite sports teams is closely associated with good looking freshman that gain weight in college. While they all have strong roots and were attractive at some point they have slowly started to erode and have added the dreaded "Freshman 15" and in some cases more.
3 Favorite Teams
3) Pistons- The Pistons are like the hot freshman that gains 15 pounds in the first month of school and never gains or loses any weight the rest of the year. Yes, she still looks pretty good (they will probably be the 4 seed in the East), there are days when she is still hot (current 7 game winning streak) and you would still like to make out with her (I still follow them vehemently and Walter Hermann has smoother hair than any girl I have ever seen) but she is just not the same. Everytime you see her/them on a bad day you want to immediately start singing Track1 on the Righteous Brothers greatest hits album. The Pistons should still be good for awhile but will never win the title with their current team. Like the girl who stays slightly overweight they will continue to be acceptable but will eventually become irrelevant like she often does by sophomore year.
2) Redskins- The Washington Redskins have become the gorgeous girl who gains thirty pounds and then goes on a series of crash diets followed by a series of fast food ones. Some days she looks great and you think she has turned the corner (wins at dallas and philadelphia) and then two weeks later she is pumping the ketchup dispenser straight into her mouth (losses to Rams and Bengals). The reality is this girl will never completely turn the corner until cafeteria food is no longer part of her life and the Redskins will never completely turn the corner until Dan Snyder is no longer part of theirs. Fortunately for this girl she must only wait four years to get rid of her white whale while the Redskins will have to wait decades.
1)Orioles - The Orioles have become the semi-attractive girl who gained 20 pounds, decided she doesn't really care what she looks like and began having meatball eating contests with Mongo from Lamda in the cafeteria for all to see. They are an absolute embarrasment and their owner simply does not care. To understand the Orioles you need look no furthur than the recent Mark Texeira sweetpstakes. Because of his roots in Maryland Texeira may have actually considered the lowly Os if they had made a decent offer. However, they made a low ball offer they knew he would refuse, to try and convince their fan base they were trying. In addition to missing on Texeira the Orioles have still not re-signed Nick Markakis or Brian Roberts. The Orioles seem to get worse and worse every year and if they keep it up they will have to get a special ordered XXXXL gown for graduation.
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