BE A MAN!!!

Admittingly, Bones is not what one would call a man's man. He does not hunt, fish or watch Nascar. As he has stated before he has many similarities with Noah in the Notebook but building a house with his bare hands in unfortunately not one of them. He also does not know how to change the oil in his car, bleed breaks or (gasp) change a tire. (My only explanation for this is that when I was a child my father used to observe me drain thousands of perfect jump shots every day in our driveway. Pretending my dad is southern he must have said to himself, "that boy is kinda a runt, ain't got a lick of common sense and don't know the daggum difference between his ass and his elbow but by golly he can shoot those damn buckets. He is going to make me rich one day." Witnessing a 10 year old destroy net after net with perfect 30 foot rainbows caused him to think I would never have to perform such menial tasks and thus, he did not teach me. In his vicarious day dream he forgot about trivial facets of the game like the crossover dribble, rebounding and as my college coach and these guys will tell you, defense. Because of this my professional career with the Richmond Ballerz was shorter than Midget Mac.) However, this does not mean Bones is not a man. Bones loves sports, beer, wings and drives an Accord. More importantly, there are many things that he will not do that those who do not take their manhood seriously will. Bones will never take part in the following atrocities and those who do need to watch out for falling cans of Beast.

1) Wear a scarf - This one is obvious. Men should not wear accesories. Bones wears shoes to lessen the impact his feet have on the ground, long pants when it is cold, hats when it is sunny and shirts to prevent his life from turning into an axe commercial. I have never looked into the mirror before going out and thought, "You know what, this outfit needs more ooomph." Men who wear scarves either take themselves to seriously, have a girlfriend who owns them or are not men at all. You can argue all you want but when you end up like this guy don't say Bones didn't warn you.

2) Hang out at Starbucks - Bones does not drink caffeine because he believes needing to rely on anything other than the man upstairs and Rex Kwan D0 is weakminded. I cannot expect everyone to have my mental toughness and I will not punish those who simply need to get their caffeine fix from one of these institunes. However, I do advise that you wear ear plugs, write down your order as opposed to saying it and leave the second your hand is grasping one of those sleeves that insures you don't burn your little fingers. When Mrs. Bones frequents these metrosexual havens I sit in the car, listen to sports on the radio and grunt a lot just to be safe. I interated this practice because everytime Bones ventured inside and heard a "man" say, "I would like a tall non-fat Chai Tea Latte" and then heard a male Starbucks employee repeat it like he was Fro in Austin Powers a little part of him died inside. Call me an overeactor but if you know what this guy is talking about , then it is already too late.

3) Listen to Ushers New Song - The track entitled Trading Places perplexes Bones to say the least. Why would a man ever want to be treated like a woman? Mrs. Bones arms are shorter than the enemies of Mick Dundee and Bones admits he enjoys the yearly time she offers to pick up the tab. That is the only time your loyal narrator enjoys gender role reversal. In the song Usher states he wants "his girl to open his door" and make him, "say ooh wee and tell me to shut up before the neighbors hear me." If a girl either does either of forementioned you are either David Spade or need to take your manhood a little more seriously. Fans of this song can refuse to look in the mirror all they want but don't call Bones when your girlfriend is doing this to you.