As is true with all human beings that inhabit the earth Bones has a cornicopia of dreams that make no sense. Dreams in which he has a wooden leg, is dating his fourth grade teacher or his girlfriend is eating bread and butter while making out with Fabio. In spite of this Bones sometimes believes that even the most outlandish of dreams have a purpose. These are the dreams that often cause him to take action in real life.
Bones' senior year in college he dreamed that he was Yoshi engaged in an epic Mario Cart battle. Mario, Luigi and the gang were up to their old tricks. However, the mushroom eating midgets had nothing on Bones this day as he dodged banana peels, flying turtle shells and plummeting endlessly into a black abyss with relative ease. As Yoshi (who was Bones) took his rightful place on the first place podium and opened his jug of milk Indy 500 style, he was flanked by two lovely ladies. To his left was Vicky Valencourt from The Waterboy. She looked at me and said, "Don't listen to your Momma. I'm not the devil." She then took a bite of crocodile meat and we surrendered to a passionate kiss. On my right was a young vixen with a beautiful smile whom Bones reconized from his Monday night Shakespeare class. She was wearing the same white daisy dukes that had caused him to fail his test on Macbeth and a Chris Cooley jersey. She kissed Bones on the cheek and whispered in his ear, "When you see me at the Redneck bar tommorrow night buy me three red jello shots. They're only a dollar." The next night when Bones saw this same women he did as instructed. The act led to a conversation, the girls tongue and lips resembling a 3 years olds afer a cherry popsicle and a kiss for Bones as the magical hangout played Closing Time right before the lights came on. This jello shot gobbler is now Mrs. Bones and from that point on Bones began to take his dreams very seriously. The following is a summary of what occured last night during his deep slumber and an explanation of what it means to the future of http://www.grillenwitgill.blogspot.com/.
When Bones drifted into unconsiousness the first place he was taken was not pleasant. He was racing in the Kentucky Derby but his situation was even worse that that of being a jockey. He was half horse half Bones. His hind legs were that of Secretariat but his torso and head were that of a man. It was towards the end of the race. A midget of a man was sitting on top of him while whipping him and pulling his head back. He was screaming in a pre-pubescent voice, "If you don't finish strong it's back to the glue factory for you Bones." As we came down the stretch he threw the midget of his back and kicked him in the chest shattering his frail sternum. He was dragged of the track and right when he was about to be euthanized I woke up in a cold sweat. Bones does not remember whether he walked or galloped to the bathroom but when he looked in the mirror he was relieved to see that he was not two things in one. After throwing away his Old Spice Body Wash he retreated back to his bed and shrugged the dream off. As fun as trying to outrun Barbaro was the real magic started when he fell back asleep.
When Bones returned to the world of unconciousness he was in a much happier place. He woke covered in Satin sheets sleeping next to a proposterously proportioned beauty. He got up slowly and rode his segway to the bathroom. During the short voyage he passed pictures of Tupac, Biggie and Scar Face. After washing himself under a porcelin shower head while watching Sportcenter on a 52 inch flat screen he finally looked in the mirror. Staring back at him was not the Casper like figure he had grown so accustomed to but the general of dipset. Bones had become Jim Jones, Jim Jones had become Bones.
As often occurs in dreams, Bones in fact was Jimmy but had no control over his actions or words. Next thing he knew he was tapping the nice lady from the slumber party on the shoulder and saying, "hey Ma, what's up" get the hell out of my crib." After taking care of business he walked down a winding, marble staircase while mouthing the words to ether Before stepping out of the house Bones threw on a Luis Vitton belt, enough ice to make Kristi Yamaguchi jealous and ate some blow fish sushi. He then hopped into a foreign whip and sped down the freeway.
Bones departed his new ride via the suicide doors, dapped up his security guard and headed into an immaculate recording studio. For the first time in his young life Bones had rythym. He entered the booth one with the beat and flowed effortlessly as producers nodded their heads. After lacing a few tracks Bones stepped out of the booth and heard an "hey" that let him know he would no longer be recording alone. His best friend Juelz had arrived. Santana and the rest of his boys crowded around me and we all began performing performing flawless dips in perfect unison while yelling, Dip Set, Dip Set, Dip Set After a short workout Jeulz pulled out a strong smelling substance with a greenish hue. His only previous experience with the drug was on That 70s Show but today he was Jimmy Jones so he partook in the activities. Following the puff, puff, pass Bones watched all three Friday's with the fellas and prepared himself to go clubbin that night.
When Bones got to the club he popped champagne and yelled "ballin" after every sip. The entire night he stayed focused on hips and thighs while watching ladies doing the rain dance. The females at the the club and dip set thought Bones was Jones and showed much love the whole night. The nights proceedings could best be described by the following, At one 1 AM Bones was at the club, at 2 Am Bones got 10 bottles of bub but about 3 something Bones was thinking bout grub so he stumbled to his car through the drinks and the drugs. Bones had fun but knew he could not keep up this lifestyle forever so he refreshed when he awoke to the sound of his alarm clock. During the morning he could not get balling out of his head nor could deny what the dream was telling him to do. He needed to make a music video for his own version of ballin to promote his website. Instead of balling the song will be called blogging. It will exemplifly how similar the life of a baller and blogger actually are. Like I said Bones is Jones. Who is Mike Bones Productions estimates it dropping on youtube in the next week or two. It is fate.
Chief of the Week: Just like last week this Squanto wannabee won the award in an absolute landslide. Mrs. Bones and I were out to dinner at a nice but moderately priced Japanese restaurant. As is normal custom on our dates Bones was realing off one-liner after one-liner while Mrs. Bones was laughing hysterically and struggling for air. During the hilarity Bones noticed that a party of three was about to seated next to us. Per the request of Mrs. Bones I removed the chop stix from my nose in an attempt to give these strangers the impression I was civilized. However, if I had the known the verbal gems this headress wearing, commander of scantilly clad men was about to deliver I would not have bothered.
The party consisted of two men and one woman. All three were pretentious but there was only one true chief. Upon sitting down this bulls-eye splitting banchi actually said, "Are we going to be good boys and drink beer or are we going to be bad boys and drink martinis." After laughing so hard that had to perform the heimlich manuever on himself Bones composed himself enough to this man tell the waiter "he was was feeling a little naughty so he would have a Martini, tell his tribesman he, "was going to get the most expensive thing on the menu (a whopping $22.50) because he was rich" and state that, "there is no way anyone in the restuarant could possibly know how much money they all made." This is when Bones stood up and pointed at at the man and said, "But everyone here does know that you were responsible for Custard's last stand ya big CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEF!"
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
A day with da don
Bones has been looking forward to this day for a long time. When Bones was an awkward acne-riddled, pigmenty challenged freshman in college he met a man that taught him to not sweat the small stuff and just let things ride. To secure the identity of this smooth operator in this entry he will be known simply as da don. In a play off the great quote by Patrick Ewing the don makes a lot of money but he also bets a lot of money. He ussually does well and in a perfect world this running entry would be chronicaling him turning an already astounding profit into an unthinkable one. However, as all that have ever made the mistake of gambling can attest to it is far from a perfect world. The don had an atrocious night last night suffering unthinkable beats on Ohio State and Florida State. He is down $2200 the goal of the day is to get under $1000 so he doesn't have to pay the man. The following will be an updated chronically of the dons highs and lows during what is sure to be a day he will never forgot one way or the other. His loving wife will be watching the proceedings.
11AM: The don decides to start the day with an $1000 dollar bet, or dime on virginia tech in a morning NIT match up. How could he lay off that? When Baylor goes up 7-1 the don states, "I am going to lose this game and then I am going to shoot myself!"
11:29: With Baylor dismantling tech and holding a 31-10 lead the mood in the room can best be described as somber. The don wonders out loud, "Do they have lines for any of the womens games that are on tv today?" Here's to hoping that answer to the question is a resounding yes.
11:46: Baylor's up 20 at half and the don is turning to the wifey for picks she loves Villanova at -2 over UCLA which has a 1 o'clock pick. Lock it up!
11:52: Da Don puts a petty, half-hearted $200 bet on tech -6.5 for the second half. He shrugs his shoulders and says its just 2. Why even bother? Small potatoes.
12:24: Well the day has not gotten off to a very good start. Baylor continues to pound tech into an oblivion despite Hokies fans packing their gym for an 11 AM NIT game. Here's to hoping Villanova hits and da don gets on a roll. Otherwise it could be a long day.
12:33: Da Don gives up and heads to the showers, literally, with tech down 29. Inexplicably, the Hokies comes alive goinf on a 14-0 run to cut it to 15. Here's to hoping da don decides to takes a bubble bath and does not jinx this rediculousness.
12:52: Da Don has returned to curse the game. Tech is down a half point with 2:33 and he is repeatedly saying he has no chance, he hates tech, he hates basketball, he hates life and now all the sudden he loves UCLA. I am begging him not to switch reminding him that you never argue with the wifey. Wait, now he loves the under!
1:00: Malcolm Delaney rims out a potential covering 3 and then down 2.5 on the bet a reserve gets pick pocketed with 10 seconds to play. I am not sure whey but the don is laughing like the guy on Home Alone after he pumps everyones guts full of led. He takes Nova -2 for $300 and the Cavs -8 for $200.You can't stay away from the NBA on one of the biggest days in the college basketball season. Bones can feel the tide turning.
2:14: Nova up 13 at half and the LeBrons are up 18. Da Don is not confident though. "What's going to happen is UCLA is going to start the second half on like a 10-0 run and it's going to be a dog fight."
3:09: The Wildcats dismantle the Bruins and the da don says he has a much better feel on the games today. Can you argue? The LeBrons up 18 with 3 minutes remaining but win by only 6 after the legendary Flip Murray ends the run on a personal 14-2 run. This is an absolute joke. However, da don thinks he will be able to nibble away before making his "big bet" of the day. Right now he thinks that is Texas getting 7.5 against the Dukies. But he must chip away like at this large deficit like a team would down 20 at half. I tell him, There are no 21 point shots. Stay the course, be quick but don't hurry. He obliges putting $500, or a nickel as he likes to call it, which makes me wonder his understanding of inflation, and puts $50 on the money line plus 450 which will give him over $200 in return if the Terps pull the upset. A measley $200 on Texas A&M plus 10. He is eerily calm like a lion about to pounce on a Zebra in the Sarenghetti. "I was down 6 gs a couple months back on saturday. Woke up Monday morning up $1500." This is childs play.
4:22: Not looking good for da don at this point. UCONN up 25-9 and Maryland down 20 but 5 games remain. He is still serene and undetered, "It's like when J.J. Redick misses his first 10 shots you know at least 8 of the next 10 are going in." I nod my head but I am not sure why.
5:18: Women and children close your eyes. The don is down $4620 but the tide has to turn. It has to. He lays a dime, you should know the terminology by now on Oklahoma -7 and Washington -1.5 and a nickel on LSU plus 13. They just showed Lawson gimping around in the lay up line and that means lock it up. The wifey loves Oklahoma so again lock it up. He types in the e-mail to the man, screams an almost inaudible LETS GO!!, punches himself in the face and opens a Coors light. This is what he lives for.
7:14: This is unreal. All three wagers hang in the balance and da don is more energetic than Richard Simmons introducing a set of crunches. He looks like the bushwackers stopping aroung after big shots and pouts like Allen Iverson after poor plays. Oklahoma is up 10 with 12:40 remaining, Washington is down 4 with 6 to play and LSU is down 4 with 6:50 on the clock. Da don is warry of a late Tar Heels run. None the less he states, " I am owed this Washington game," during a furious Huskies rally. Da Don has gone from a cool customer to putting the MAD in March Madness.
7:59: In the position da don was in you would think he would have won 2 or 3 of the three games but not on this day. Only one. Washington blows two chances to tie the game, LSU somehow goes from down 3 to down 14 in a matter of 4 minutes but Oklahoma dominates the second half and covers. This is just becoming unreal. The don seems to be on the right side of 75% of the games but none will fall in his favor. $800 play on Texas at plus 7.5 and $200 on the money line at plus plus 280 and $900 on Western Kentucky and 100 on the money line plus 500 to end a rediculous day. Bones could not make this stuff up.
1:18: Da don really is a don. He had a rough start to the day but he crushes the two night games. The fact that he could have won both money lines and didn't just personifies the day. He is still down big but he states, "Bones, some people are put on this earth to just be on this earth, (ummmmm) but I'm put on this earth to make money and have a hot wife." Well you do have a really hot wife don. And good luck with the rest. He loves Arizona tommorow. "Bones, don't be scared by the public they all all saw Cleveland St. crush Wake. They are all stupid and weak minded." These are the last words he says before passing out. Lock Arizona up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
11AM: The don decides to start the day with an $1000 dollar bet, or dime on virginia tech in a morning NIT match up. How could he lay off that? When Baylor goes up 7-1 the don states, "I am going to lose this game and then I am going to shoot myself!"
11:29: With Baylor dismantling tech and holding a 31-10 lead the mood in the room can best be described as somber. The don wonders out loud, "Do they have lines for any of the womens games that are on tv today?" Here's to hoping that answer to the question is a resounding yes.
11:46: Baylor's up 20 at half and the don is turning to the wifey for picks she loves Villanova at -2 over UCLA which has a 1 o'clock pick. Lock it up!
11:52: Da Don puts a petty, half-hearted $200 bet on tech -6.5 for the second half. He shrugs his shoulders and says its just 2. Why even bother? Small potatoes.
12:24: Well the day has not gotten off to a very good start. Baylor continues to pound tech into an oblivion despite Hokies fans packing their gym for an 11 AM NIT game. Here's to hoping Villanova hits and da don gets on a roll. Otherwise it could be a long day.
12:33: Da Don gives up and heads to the showers, literally, with tech down 29. Inexplicably, the Hokies comes alive goinf on a 14-0 run to cut it to 15. Here's to hoping da don decides to takes a bubble bath and does not jinx this rediculousness.
12:52: Da Don has returned to curse the game. Tech is down a half point with 2:33 and he is repeatedly saying he has no chance, he hates tech, he hates basketball, he hates life and now all the sudden he loves UCLA. I am begging him not to switch reminding him that you never argue with the wifey. Wait, now he loves the under!
1:00: Malcolm Delaney rims out a potential covering 3 and then down 2.5 on the bet a reserve gets pick pocketed with 10 seconds to play. I am not sure whey but the don is laughing like the guy on Home Alone after he pumps everyones guts full of led. He takes Nova -2 for $300 and the Cavs -8 for $200.You can't stay away from the NBA on one of the biggest days in the college basketball season. Bones can feel the tide turning.
2:14: Nova up 13 at half and the LeBrons are up 18. Da Don is not confident though. "What's going to happen is UCLA is going to start the second half on like a 10-0 run and it's going to be a dog fight."
3:09: The Wildcats dismantle the Bruins and the da don says he has a much better feel on the games today. Can you argue? The LeBrons up 18 with 3 minutes remaining but win by only 6 after the legendary Flip Murray ends the run on a personal 14-2 run. This is an absolute joke. However, da don thinks he will be able to nibble away before making his "big bet" of the day. Right now he thinks that is Texas getting 7.5 against the Dukies. But he must chip away like at this large deficit like a team would down 20 at half. I tell him, There are no 21 point shots. Stay the course, be quick but don't hurry. He obliges putting $500, or a nickel as he likes to call it, which makes me wonder his understanding of inflation, and puts $50 on the money line plus 450 which will give him over $200 in return if the Terps pull the upset. A measley $200 on Texas A&M plus 10. He is eerily calm like a lion about to pounce on a Zebra in the Sarenghetti. "I was down 6 gs a couple months back on saturday. Woke up Monday morning up $1500." This is childs play.
4:22: Not looking good for da don at this point. UCONN up 25-9 and Maryland down 20 but 5 games remain. He is still serene and undetered, "It's like when J.J. Redick misses his first 10 shots you know at least 8 of the next 10 are going in." I nod my head but I am not sure why.
5:18: Women and children close your eyes. The don is down $4620 but the tide has to turn. It has to. He lays a dime, you should know the terminology by now on Oklahoma -7 and Washington -1.5 and a nickel on LSU plus 13. They just showed Lawson gimping around in the lay up line and that means lock it up. The wifey loves Oklahoma so again lock it up. He types in the e-mail to the man, screams an almost inaudible LETS GO!!, punches himself in the face and opens a Coors light. This is what he lives for.
7:14: This is unreal. All three wagers hang in the balance and da don is more energetic than Richard Simmons introducing a set of crunches. He looks like the bushwackers stopping aroung after big shots and pouts like Allen Iverson after poor plays. Oklahoma is up 10 with 12:40 remaining, Washington is down 4 with 6 to play and LSU is down 4 with 6:50 on the clock. Da don is warry of a late Tar Heels run. None the less he states, " I am owed this Washington game," during a furious Huskies rally. Da Don has gone from a cool customer to putting the MAD in March Madness.
7:59: In the position da don was in you would think he would have won 2 or 3 of the three games but not on this day. Only one. Washington blows two chances to tie the game, LSU somehow goes from down 3 to down 14 in a matter of 4 minutes but Oklahoma dominates the second half and covers. This is just becoming unreal. The don seems to be on the right side of 75% of the games but none will fall in his favor. $800 play on Texas at plus 7.5 and $200 on the money line at plus plus 280 and $900 on Western Kentucky and 100 on the money line plus 500 to end a rediculous day. Bones could not make this stuff up.
1:18: Da don really is a don. He had a rough start to the day but he crushes the two night games. The fact that he could have won both money lines and didn't just personifies the day. He is still down big but he states, "Bones, some people are put on this earth to just be on this earth, (ummmmm) but I'm put on this earth to make money and have a hot wife." Well you do have a really hot wife don. And good luck with the rest. He loves Arizona tommorow. "Bones, don't be scared by the public they all all saw Cleveland St. crush Wake. They are all stupid and weak minded." These are the last words he says before passing out. Lock Arizona up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Bones Knows Brackets
Ahhhhhhh, Bones cannot wait to sit back, relax and enjoy the mayhem. Some may say that predicting suprises and pandomonium that are certain to occur during the next two days is pointless but not Bones. I will provide predictions that will result in me inching past Nostradamus and pulling within striking distance of Al Gore on the list of the world's great prognasticators. Spoiler Alert. If you want to be suprised by by the tournament proceedings stop here as the following information will have you calling you cable provider and asking why ESPN classic is on CBS.
Upsets:
To all of the Chiefs out there that do not posess the last name of Kickingstallionsims, a 9 beating an 8 does not constitute an upset! A 10 beating a 7 does not constitute an upset and if this year 12th seeded Arizona beat Utah that would not be an upset. If Bones hears the following sentence one more time he is going to take a long walk off a short pier. Dude, picked 3 upsets yesterday, I had both 9 seeds winningg, Score! The following are real upsets that are as guarenteed as running into players from Duke at a tanning salon.
Cleveland State over Wake Forest: Wake Forest is the perfect example of a team that is fun to watch but would be awful to be a fan of. They are talented, athletic and stocked with NBA talent but cannot defend anyone. They also have the tendency of laying eggs at the most inapportune times and I think the NCAA tournament would qualify as an innopurtune time. In addition Wake's mascot is a complete oxymoron. A demon deacon? Why not the satanic priests or the righteous satans? The Vikings of Cleveland State will rape and pillage the men from Winston-Salem as if they were an unsespecting village in Nordic Times.
North Dakota State over Kansas: It is true the Jayhawks have been a pleasant suprise. Bill Self has done a great job keeping his hair piece looking fresh and developing the team this year. However, Kansas is still extremely young and inexperienced. It is also hard to back a team that plays a white guy named Tyrel, twins named Marcus and Markieff Morris and a best player named Cole. Add to this the fact that all 5 starters for North Dakota State are blood relatives of Jimmy Chipwood and its a lock.
Suprise Final 4 Pick: Bones believes the West Virginia Mountaineers will be the highest seed to be lucky enough to earn a free trip to Detroit. The Mountaneers posess everything a final 4 team needs except a quality point guard and I will ignore that because it really hurts my argument. They are tough, smart, shoot it well from the outside and play hard on defense. Mountaineers like Alex Ruoff and De'Sean Butler were taught the importance of passing and smart play by current Michigan coach John Beilein and are now being taught animalistic tendencies by Bob Huggins. As long as Bobby isn't teaching his kids how to act like an animal off the court the night before the games West Virginia will have a deep run.
National Champion: As much as it pains him to say it Bones believes the boys from Chapel Hill will stand alone at the end of the tournament. Lawson will be fine, they have two explosive wings and the second best player in the country in Tyler Hansborough. UNC's weakness throughout the year has been defense but I believe they will buckle down just enough to get it done.
Upsets:
To all of the Chiefs out there that do not posess the last name of Kickingstallionsims, a 9 beating an 8 does not constitute an upset! A 10 beating a 7 does not constitute an upset and if this year 12th seeded Arizona beat Utah that would not be an upset. If Bones hears the following sentence one more time he is going to take a long walk off a short pier. Dude, picked 3 upsets yesterday, I had both 9 seeds winningg, Score! The following are real upsets that are as guarenteed as running into players from Duke at a tanning salon.
Cleveland State over Wake Forest: Wake Forest is the perfect example of a team that is fun to watch but would be awful to be a fan of. They are talented, athletic and stocked with NBA talent but cannot defend anyone. They also have the tendency of laying eggs at the most inapportune times and I think the NCAA tournament would qualify as an innopurtune time. In addition Wake's mascot is a complete oxymoron. A demon deacon? Why not the satanic priests or the righteous satans? The Vikings of Cleveland State will rape and pillage the men from Winston-Salem as if they were an unsespecting village in Nordic Times.
North Dakota State over Kansas: It is true the Jayhawks have been a pleasant suprise. Bill Self has done a great job keeping his hair piece looking fresh and developing the team this year. However, Kansas is still extremely young and inexperienced. It is also hard to back a team that plays a white guy named Tyrel, twins named Marcus and Markieff Morris and a best player named Cole. Add to this the fact that all 5 starters for North Dakota State are blood relatives of Jimmy Chipwood and its a lock.
Suprise Final 4 Pick: Bones believes the West Virginia Mountaineers will be the highest seed to be lucky enough to earn a free trip to Detroit. The Mountaneers posess everything a final 4 team needs except a quality point guard and I will ignore that because it really hurts my argument. They are tough, smart, shoot it well from the outside and play hard on defense. Mountaineers like Alex Ruoff and De'Sean Butler were taught the importance of passing and smart play by current Michigan coach John Beilein and are now being taught animalistic tendencies by Bob Huggins. As long as Bobby isn't teaching his kids how to act like an animal off the court the night before the games West Virginia will have a deep run.
National Champion: As much as it pains him to say it Bones believes the boys from Chapel Hill will stand alone at the end of the tournament. Lawson will be fine, they have two explosive wings and the second best player in the country in Tyler Hansborough. UNC's weakness throughout the year has been defense but I believe they will buckle down just enough to get it done.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
DONT CLICK ON THE ADS
Bones apologizes for his sabbatical and promises to deliver a painfully long entry today. As you may have noticed the ads that all of you were so dutifully clicking on have been removed by my friends from google. My loyal readers were doing such a great job that my basement was starting to look like that of Scrooge Mcduck and it seemed I might actually be filing grillenwitgill.blogspot.com on next year's taxes. But Alas, apparently they can detect when someone is clicking on the same ad over and over and suprisingly frown upon such activity. But Bones will not let the selfish tycoons from google curb his dreams. Henry Ford did not give up when his first 19 attempts at the perfect car model failed. Nor did Dr. Evil call it quits when operations A through G were a complete failure. In the same spirit Bones will continue to blog while thinking of another plan to make some extra coin. Ever since the fifth day of blogness readers have been e-mailling me from around the globe asking, "What about the women Bones? Please give us five examples of the biggest chieffettes?" While I refuse to call anyone a chiefette ask and you will recieve. The following are infractions performed by the opposite sex that cause Bones to cringe.
Girls who are into sports: Girls and Sports are like Rick Majerus and the buffet at Golden Corral. They are both great on their own but when put together they often result in disaster. Is their anything more revolting than witnessing the quarterback of your favorite team getting blindsided by a blitz and hearing a female fan of the opposition yell "Hell Yea, Smash his guts" simultaneously? Not to generalize, but the majority of girls who are really into sports not named Erin Andrews are unnatractive, overweight and curse more than participants on VH1 reality shows. The following conversation ussually ensues when Bones encounters one of these "women" at a local watering hole during NFL season.
Bones: "I would really appreciate it if you would stop cursing more than Chris Rock and yelling Suck It everytime they show Jim Zorn. He seems like a really nice guy."
Overweight female Eagles fan: "Well (Sip of Bud Heavy), I would really appreciate it if you would go to hell!, (Bite of Chilli-Cheesburger). Eagles Rule!,(grab of groin) High Five!" (slap of boyfriend Sal's hand)
Groupies: This is something Bones has always struggled to understand. I distinctly remember watching BET as a young child and thinking to myself, How does Big Pun crush a lot? Seriously, why would attractive women want to perform deeds of an innapropriate nature with Biggie Smalls, Fat Joe or Big Pun and then call their friends to brag about it. Can you imagine calling one of your friends to revel in a sexual conquest of Queen Latifah or Missy "Misdeamenor" Elliot? The reasoning that women do it for the money is also rediculous. What proof or logic supports the fact that athletes and enertainers shell out stacks of money after one night stands? If this theory was true Wilt Chamberlain would have had to live off Ramen Noodles.
Buzzkills: This female Indian is miserable for one reason or another and feels it is her purpose in life to make everyone else feel the same way. If another person is excited about anything involving their existence on this great earth she is quick to denounce it as overated and miserable. If a person says they are going to Vegas she will respond that Vegas is trashy. If one is to state they are going to visit Europe for two weeks she will state that no one there wears deadorant, everything is overpriced and their are dead bodies in all the hostiles. Mentioning something exciting around her is the equivalent of falling in love with what you think is perfect girl only to find out she used to date Dustin Diamond.
Unattractive Girls that "just want to dance with their friends:" Let me first that Bones is not a bigot, does not judge people solely on their looks or consider himself a daper don. However, Bones does know his role and that is all he asks others to do. If when trying to bring back the hip hop hooray dance Bones recieves the cold shoulder from the pick of the litter he is completely fine with it. However, Bones does need to dance. So when he is rudely rejected by a group of less fortunate looking girls he is greatly perturbed. Hot girls know that they are being stared at and not so hot girls should know that at any second they are going to be participants in one of Bones's spontaneous dance parties. Fear not ladies Bones has just put in a request for This Magic Moment and his slow dancing skills will not disapoint.
Chief of the Week: Bones had a chief of the week picked out before he started the entry but down the stretch a dark horse came out of nowhere and snatched the coveted award. In the middle of typing Bones recieved a call informing him that a participant in the NCAA play-in game was actually named Chief. Thinking this to be untrue he switched to the debacle of a game just in time to hear Brent Musberger bellow, "They lob it in to the Chief." I immediately went to google images and found an actual picture of a player who can finally replace Chauncey Billups. I found a picture of Chief Kickingstallionsims. If their was some way I could get an all Chief NBA Jam team comprised of he and Robert Parish I would never see the light of day. Although, the last three letters of his name are confusing, his team lost and I can think of no circumstance in which I will ever see him play again he is my favorite player for the forseeable future. Heres to hoping that the 8 points, 4 rebounds and 2 blocks Mr. Kickingstallionsims averaged his senior year gets his name called on draft night.
Girls who are into sports: Girls and Sports are like Rick Majerus and the buffet at Golden Corral. They are both great on their own but when put together they often result in disaster. Is their anything more revolting than witnessing the quarterback of your favorite team getting blindsided by a blitz and hearing a female fan of the opposition yell "Hell Yea, Smash his guts" simultaneously? Not to generalize, but the majority of girls who are really into sports not named Erin Andrews are unnatractive, overweight and curse more than participants on VH1 reality shows. The following conversation ussually ensues when Bones encounters one of these "women" at a local watering hole during NFL season.
Bones: "I would really appreciate it if you would stop cursing more than Chris Rock and yelling Suck It everytime they show Jim Zorn. He seems like a really nice guy."
Overweight female Eagles fan: "Well (Sip of Bud Heavy), I would really appreciate it if you would go to hell!, (Bite of Chilli-Cheesburger). Eagles Rule!,(grab of groin) High Five!" (slap of boyfriend Sal's hand)
Groupies: This is something Bones has always struggled to understand. I distinctly remember watching BET as a young child and thinking to myself, How does Big Pun crush a lot? Seriously, why would attractive women want to perform deeds of an innapropriate nature with Biggie Smalls, Fat Joe or Big Pun and then call their friends to brag about it. Can you imagine calling one of your friends to revel in a sexual conquest of Queen Latifah or Missy "Misdeamenor" Elliot? The reasoning that women do it for the money is also rediculous. What proof or logic supports the fact that athletes and enertainers shell out stacks of money after one night stands? If this theory was true Wilt Chamberlain would have had to live off Ramen Noodles.
Buzzkills: This female Indian is miserable for one reason or another and feels it is her purpose in life to make everyone else feel the same way. If another person is excited about anything involving their existence on this great earth she is quick to denounce it as overated and miserable. If a person says they are going to Vegas she will respond that Vegas is trashy. If one is to state they are going to visit Europe for two weeks she will state that no one there wears deadorant, everything is overpriced and their are dead bodies in all the hostiles. Mentioning something exciting around her is the equivalent of falling in love with what you think is perfect girl only to find out she used to date Dustin Diamond.
Unattractive Girls that "just want to dance with their friends:" Let me first that Bones is not a bigot, does not judge people solely on their looks or consider himself a daper don. However, Bones does know his role and that is all he asks others to do. If when trying to bring back the hip hop hooray dance Bones recieves the cold shoulder from the pick of the litter he is completely fine with it. However, Bones does need to dance. So when he is rudely rejected by a group of less fortunate looking girls he is greatly perturbed. Hot girls know that they are being stared at and not so hot girls should know that at any second they are going to be participants in one of Bones's spontaneous dance parties. Fear not ladies Bones has just put in a request for This Magic Moment and his slow dancing skills will not disapoint.
Chief of the Week: Bones had a chief of the week picked out before he started the entry but down the stretch a dark horse came out of nowhere and snatched the coveted award. In the middle of typing Bones recieved a call informing him that a participant in the NCAA play-in game was actually named Chief. Thinking this to be untrue he switched to the debacle of a game just in time to hear Brent Musberger bellow, "They lob it in to the Chief." I immediately went to google images and found an actual picture of a player who can finally replace Chauncey Billups. I found a picture of Chief Kickingstallionsims. If their was some way I could get an all Chief NBA Jam team comprised of he and Robert Parish I would never see the light of day. Although, the last three letters of his name are confusing, his team lost and I can think of no circumstance in which I will ever see him play again he is my favorite player for the forseeable future. Heres to hoping that the 8 points, 4 rebounds and 2 blocks Mr. Kickingstallionsims averaged his senior year gets his name called on draft night.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
A Snowday for Bones
As one gets older it gets harder and harder to find things that stir up that feeling of prepetual bliss young Bones used to feel whenever his mother told him he could stay up 5 minutes past his bedtime. As a child, seemingly trivial events like getting ice cream, going out to eat and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition produce a level of adrenaline that rarely replicated in life's later years. However, some special events like watching your favorite sports team defy the odds, Zoolander and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition are able to stand the test of time. Today Bones is experiencing one of these timeless gems as Jack Frost has visited his place of residence and blessed him with a snow day. The second my roommates and I found out work was cancelled we attacked the streets with reckless abandon wreaking havoc on every watering hole and pedestrian in sight. Our juvenile adventure ending with us being chased by a car that jumped in front of one our snowballs and conjured up memories of a snowday Bones experienced many moons ago. The following is an exact account of what happened to a 12 year old Bones on December 6th, 1996.
A flustered and confused Bones woke up and looked at his clock which read 9:12 and instinctively knew something was amiss. His alarm had not sounded, he felt even fresher than usual and he did not remember his mom threatening to pour ice cold water on him if he didn't get out of bed. He stumbled to the window and saw why his caring mother had slipped in his room and turned off the alarm. For the first time in 4 years there were sheets of white snow covering everything in sight. He sprinted to the bathroom to perform his daily routine (check the bowl cut: exquisite, check for zits : only one, check for arm pit hair: no dice) with a newfound vigor and bounded down the steps. His younger siblings were still asleep and he and Captain Crunch were the only people inhabiting the kitchen. After doing battle with the captain and making a few phone calls Bones was headed out the door to Southampton Pool with two his friends Josh Jenkins and Curtis Craig to attack hills that would make even a sober Bodie Miller quiver.
As the trio approached the great mountain we saw something that made us tremble and had nothing to do with the hills epic height and danger. What we saw was far worse, it was the sight of trash staches. Everyone over the age of 14 knows that kids with trash staches are the owners of the middle school world. For some reason the combination of Fubu jeans, oversized Tommy Ts, laughable facial hair and curve cologne drives middle school girls wild. At Bones school it was no different. Because of the "staches" early development they also hold an unfair physical advantage over late bloomers like Bones and it seemed they had already laid there claim to piece of sledding territory we coveted.
Bones thought the day would be a complete waste until he saw Veronica VanHussen in the distance. As was her normal practice, Veronica was hanging with the staches. Everytime Bones saw her sporting her ruby red lipstick, hoop earings and a bubble jacket he envisioned listening to Montell Jordan's This is How We Do it ,while rocking matching Nick Van Exel jerseys and playing a two person game of spin the bottle. But Alas, she only liked guys with staches and Bones did not even require Right Guard yet.
Out of the corner of his eye Bones also noticed Danielle Driftwood, she was cute and nice but Bones was about danger. She approached him and said hi as always but Bones had bigger things on his mind. He walked by her without a word and was headed up to Southampton's version of the Black Diamond. A portion of the hill that not even the "staches" would approach. Bones ignored the warnings of his friends and the glare of the upper lips as he approached the summit armed with only a saucer. Right before lift off Bones yelled "I love you Veronica" before beginning his perilous descent. He carromed off rocks and went airborne while picking up speed. In spite of the gash in his leg, growing dizzyness and a recent stint of time travel Bones would not let go.
When he finally landed at the bottom of the hill Vicky was waiting and I thought all my dreams were about to be realized. However, as she leaned in for the kill the stench of Marlboro Reds and the remants of cheap cologne overtook my nostrils. At that moment I realized my destiny and chased after Danielle Driftwood who was crying because of once again being passed over by Bones. As I grabbed her hand and tried to kiss her she crushed a snow ball in my face. She then informed me she never wanted to talk to me again and that having a hair cut that is named after an item found in the cupboard is not cool. As Bones walked home battered, rejected and embarrased he made a solemn vow to himself to never Fear the Stach or turn down a free kiss again.
Chief of the week: From now on I will name a chief of the week during every midweek entry. Of all the chieflike activity Bones witnesseses this is the man that has seperated himself from everyone else as the ultimate chief. The following is a real e-mail sent to me by my friend Eric who is not above chieflike activity himself, having performed the chieflike task of giving himself two self proclaimed nicknames (Shark, E Roc). His girlfriend LYNDSAY is a teacher and recently made a simple commitment to play in her schools student-faculty basketball game. Little did she know the team was being coached by Adolph Rupp himself. The following are actually exerpts from an e-mail this CHIIIIIEEEEEEEFFFFFF sent. I must admit he covers 4 aspects of the sport that are paramount to success in stunning detail.
He takes advantage of mismatches:
Will always trap the opponent if a female is handling the ball.....
He doesn't allow easy baskets
Every foul must count, especially on drives and lay ups...
He Runs a complicated offense:
Review the following word associations: Review with group 1 versus group 2
Florida = Fast Break Offense { Bring ball up court asap }
Penn State = Pick or Screen { Provide a pick or screen }
Purdue = Press { Full court press }
Harvard = Half Court Press { as soon as the ball crosses half court }
Syracuse = Slow Down Offense { Pass - Pass - Pass, take time off the clock }
Texas = Trap { Two closest people to ball will trap “aggressively” }
Maryland = Get the ball inside to Matt Meakin
Moses = Part like the Red Sea { Basically provide a lane for Kevin to drive to basket; or dish off } AND He reminds his team they have a reputation to live up to:
2008 { Faculty 70 - Students 51 } 2007 { Faculty 66 - Students 43 }
Congratulations to this crazed man for winning the first ever Chief of the Week award. Next week's winner has a lot to live up to.
A flustered and confused Bones woke up and looked at his clock which read 9:12 and instinctively knew something was amiss. His alarm had not sounded, he felt even fresher than usual and he did not remember his mom threatening to pour ice cold water on him if he didn't get out of bed. He stumbled to the window and saw why his caring mother had slipped in his room and turned off the alarm. For the first time in 4 years there were sheets of white snow covering everything in sight. He sprinted to the bathroom to perform his daily routine (check the bowl cut: exquisite, check for zits : only one, check for arm pit hair: no dice) with a newfound vigor and bounded down the steps. His younger siblings were still asleep and he and Captain Crunch were the only people inhabiting the kitchen. After doing battle with the captain and making a few phone calls Bones was headed out the door to Southampton Pool with two his friends Josh Jenkins and Curtis Craig to attack hills that would make even a sober Bodie Miller quiver.
As the trio approached the great mountain we saw something that made us tremble and had nothing to do with the hills epic height and danger. What we saw was far worse, it was the sight of trash staches. Everyone over the age of 14 knows that kids with trash staches are the owners of the middle school world. For some reason the combination of Fubu jeans, oversized Tommy Ts, laughable facial hair and curve cologne drives middle school girls wild. At Bones school it was no different. Because of the "staches" early development they also hold an unfair physical advantage over late bloomers like Bones and it seemed they had already laid there claim to piece of sledding territory we coveted.
Bones thought the day would be a complete waste until he saw Veronica VanHussen in the distance. As was her normal practice, Veronica was hanging with the staches. Everytime Bones saw her sporting her ruby red lipstick, hoop earings and a bubble jacket he envisioned listening to Montell Jordan's This is How We Do it ,while rocking matching Nick Van Exel jerseys and playing a two person game of spin the bottle. But Alas, she only liked guys with staches and Bones did not even require Right Guard yet.
Out of the corner of his eye Bones also noticed Danielle Driftwood, she was cute and nice but Bones was about danger. She approached him and said hi as always but Bones had bigger things on his mind. He walked by her without a word and was headed up to Southampton's version of the Black Diamond. A portion of the hill that not even the "staches" would approach. Bones ignored the warnings of his friends and the glare of the upper lips as he approached the summit armed with only a saucer. Right before lift off Bones yelled "I love you Veronica" before beginning his perilous descent. He carromed off rocks and went airborne while picking up speed. In spite of the gash in his leg, growing dizzyness and a recent stint of time travel Bones would not let go.
When he finally landed at the bottom of the hill Vicky was waiting and I thought all my dreams were about to be realized. However, as she leaned in for the kill the stench of Marlboro Reds and the remants of cheap cologne overtook my nostrils. At that moment I realized my destiny and chased after Danielle Driftwood who was crying because of once again being passed over by Bones. As I grabbed her hand and tried to kiss her she crushed a snow ball in my face. She then informed me she never wanted to talk to me again and that having a hair cut that is named after an item found in the cupboard is not cool. As Bones walked home battered, rejected and embarrased he made a solemn vow to himself to never Fear the Stach or turn down a free kiss again.
Chief of the week: From now on I will name a chief of the week during every midweek entry. Of all the chieflike activity Bones witnesseses this is the man that has seperated himself from everyone else as the ultimate chief. The following is a real e-mail sent to me by my friend Eric who is not above chieflike activity himself, having performed the chieflike task of giving himself two self proclaimed nicknames (Shark, E Roc). His girlfriend LYNDSAY is a teacher and recently made a simple commitment to play in her schools student-faculty basketball game. Little did she know the team was being coached by Adolph Rupp himself. The following are actually exerpts from an e-mail this CHIIIIIEEEEEEEFFFFFF sent. I must admit he covers 4 aspects of the sport that are paramount to success in stunning detail.
He takes advantage of mismatches:
Will always trap the opponent if a female is handling the ball.....
He doesn't allow easy baskets
Every foul must count, especially on drives and lay ups...
He Runs a complicated offense:
Review the following word associations: Review with group 1 versus group 2
Florida = Fast Break Offense { Bring ball up court asap }
Penn State = Pick or Screen { Provide a pick or screen }
Purdue = Press { Full court press }
Harvard = Half Court Press { as soon as the ball crosses half court }
Syracuse = Slow Down Offense { Pass - Pass - Pass, take time off the clock }
Texas = Trap { Two closest people to ball will trap “aggressively” }
Maryland = Get the ball inside to Matt Meakin
Moses = Part like the Red Sea { Basically provide a lane for Kevin to drive to basket; or dish off } AND He reminds his team they have a reputation to live up to:
2008 { Faculty 70 - Students 51 } 2007 { Faculty 66 - Students 43 }
Congratulations to this crazed man for winning the first ever Chief of the Week award. Next week's winner has a lot to live up to.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
CLICK ON THE ADS
Yes, My loyal readers Bones has sold out. He has made some much needed changes to grillenwitgill, one of which is that he added ads. I figure that if I am going to take time out of my rediculously busy schedule to pump out a couple entries a week a should at least make a little cheddar. The way it works is that if you CLICK ON THE ADS Bones gets a little toll money. If you do not CLICK ON THE ADS Bones gets nothing. For example, by some miracle there were 85 visitors to this blog yesterday but only one of you CLICKED ON THE ADS. Because of that Bones will have to go in the full service lane at the toll when he goes to work tommorrow which will not happen in the the future if you CLICK ON THE ADS. So next time you decide to waste 10 minutes of your life by reading one of Bones' entries go ahead and waste another 30 seconds and CLICK ON THE ADDS. I mean who the hell on the east coast doesn't need Lakers tickets?
Bones has decided to keep a running a account of the Pistons and Celtics game today. Why I want to willingly watch my favorite team get embarrased by my least favorite I am not sure but here goes.
1:02: Iverson is officially out for the game which means the Pistons might have a shot. If I was an NBA GM I would have a team of players I would never under any circumstance on my team. They would be called the AI All-Stars and would consist of players who put up big numbers but are always on losing teams. The starters would be Ricky Davis, Jamal Crawford, Iverson, Zach Randolph, and Eddy Curry.
1:15: With the recent weight gain of Joe Dumars and disapearance of Isiah Thomas is out of the realm of possibility that Joe D ate his former teammate?
1:30: Pistons down 22-20 at the end of the first quarter. Not bad, not bad at all. Some observations so far. Walter Hermann uses just the right amount of Vidal Sassoon, Stephon Marbury did not get the memo that tatoos are permanent and Antonio McDyess has the face of a 60 year old man.
1:39: Bones is on Cloud 9. Unbeknowest to him the Celtics added Mikki Moore to regain the title of ugliest team in the league. Dumping Sam Cassell really hurt them but they responded with the additions of Moore and Marbury. Adding them to the human milk dud, Scalabrine, Kendrick Perkins, and a cross eyed infant ensures Bones least favorite team will again win the crown of the NBAs ugliest.
1:47: Walter Hermann is on fire. His locks are flowing and the turnaround j is dropping at a dizzying pace. The fact that Hermann has been able to go on with his life after a horrific car crash that took the lives of his mother, sister and fiance is incredible. In a league full of players hard to root for you gotta love Hermann.
2:10: Pistons up 8 at halftime after Hermann almost pulled off the parlay of throwing the ball of the back of a Celtic and making a shot over his should while facing the opposite basket. Is there anyway Detroit can just cut the Answer NFL style?
2:29: Watching the Pistons give away the lead in the first 3 minutes of the half reminds me of why I have avoided watching them at all costs so far this season. They do not play hard for Curry, are stagnant on offense and completely cave when the other team goes on a run. This could get ugly unless Sheed decides he would like to start trying or they bring Hermann back in.
2:48: Is there anything better than listening to them team of Hubie Brown and Mike Tirico try to pronounce the names of players in the NBA? Hubie just said that TISHAWN Prince is being dominated by Paul Pierce. If I had any money, (Like I would if people CLICKED ON THE ADS) I would pay all of it to listen to the audio of Coach Brown and White Chocolate having a heart to heart in Memphis.
3:10: The Pistons have regained the lead and are looking a little like the Motown teams of old minus Chauncey. I must once again call attention to the fact that Stephon Marbury actually has a tatoo on his head, for the rest of his life. I mean if he lives to be 80 his grandkids are going to say, "Mom I love Grandaddy and all and I know he played in the NBA but why does he have a star on his head and writing on his neck?"
3:30: So the Pistons lose 8 straight and then win at Orland and Boston. That would make about as much sense as Mutt Lange cheating on Shania Twain if Iverson hadn't been out the last 2 games. Joe D please give us proof Isiah was not a mid-afternoon snack, cut Iverson and CLICK ON THE ADS and we will call it even.
Bones has decided to keep a running a account of the Pistons and Celtics game today. Why I want to willingly watch my favorite team get embarrased by my least favorite I am not sure but here goes.
1:02: Iverson is officially out for the game which means the Pistons might have a shot. If I was an NBA GM I would have a team of players I would never under any circumstance on my team. They would be called the AI All-Stars and would consist of players who put up big numbers but are always on losing teams. The starters would be Ricky Davis, Jamal Crawford, Iverson, Zach Randolph, and Eddy Curry.
1:15: With the recent weight gain of Joe Dumars and disapearance of Isiah Thomas is out of the realm of possibility that Joe D ate his former teammate?
1:30: Pistons down 22-20 at the end of the first quarter. Not bad, not bad at all. Some observations so far. Walter Hermann uses just the right amount of Vidal Sassoon, Stephon Marbury did not get the memo that tatoos are permanent and Antonio McDyess has the face of a 60 year old man.
1:39: Bones is on Cloud 9. Unbeknowest to him the Celtics added Mikki Moore to regain the title of ugliest team in the league. Dumping Sam Cassell really hurt them but they responded with the additions of Moore and Marbury. Adding them to the human milk dud, Scalabrine, Kendrick Perkins, and a cross eyed infant ensures Bones least favorite team will again win the crown of the NBAs ugliest.
1:47: Walter Hermann is on fire. His locks are flowing and the turnaround j is dropping at a dizzying pace. The fact that Hermann has been able to go on with his life after a horrific car crash that took the lives of his mother, sister and fiance is incredible. In a league full of players hard to root for you gotta love Hermann.
2:10: Pistons up 8 at halftime after Hermann almost pulled off the parlay of throwing the ball of the back of a Celtic and making a shot over his should while facing the opposite basket. Is there anyway Detroit can just cut the Answer NFL style?
2:29: Watching the Pistons give away the lead in the first 3 minutes of the half reminds me of why I have avoided watching them at all costs so far this season. They do not play hard for Curry, are stagnant on offense and completely cave when the other team goes on a run. This could get ugly unless Sheed decides he would like to start trying or they bring Hermann back in.
2:48: Is there anything better than listening to them team of Hubie Brown and Mike Tirico try to pronounce the names of players in the NBA? Hubie just said that TISHAWN Prince is being dominated by Paul Pierce. If I had any money, (Like I would if people CLICKED ON THE ADS) I would pay all of it to listen to the audio of Coach Brown and White Chocolate having a heart to heart in Memphis.
3:10: The Pistons have regained the lead and are looking a little like the Motown teams of old minus Chauncey. I must once again call attention to the fact that Stephon Marbury actually has a tatoo on his head, for the rest of his life. I mean if he lives to be 80 his grandkids are going to say, "Mom I love Grandaddy and all and I know he played in the NBA but why does he have a star on his head and writing on his neck?"
3:30: So the Pistons lose 8 straight and then win at Orland and Boston. That would make about as much sense as Mutt Lange cheating on Shania Twain if Iverson hadn't been out the last 2 games. Joe D please give us proof Isiah was not a mid-afternoon snack, cut Iverson and CLICK ON THE ADS and we will call it even.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
