A Snowday for Bones

As one gets older it gets harder and harder to find things that stir up that feeling of prepetual bliss young Bones used to feel whenever his mother told him he could stay up 5 minutes past his bedtime. As a child, seemingly trivial events like getting ice cream, going out to eat and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition produce a level of adrenaline that rarely replicated in life's later years. However, some special events like watching your favorite sports team defy the odds, Zoolander and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition are able to stand the test of time. Today Bones is experiencing one of these timeless gems as Jack Frost has visited his place of residence and blessed him with a snow day. The second my roommates and I found out work was cancelled we attacked the streets with reckless abandon wreaking havoc on every watering hole and pedestrian in sight. Our juvenile adventure ending with us being chased by a car that jumped in front of one our snowballs and conjured up memories of a snowday Bones experienced many moons ago. The following is an exact account of what happened to a 12 year old Bones on December 6th, 1996.

A flustered and confused Bones woke up and looked at his clock which read 9:12 and instinctively knew something was amiss. His alarm had not sounded, he felt even fresher than usual and he did not remember his mom threatening to pour ice cold water on him if he didn't get out of bed. He stumbled to the window and saw why his caring mother had slipped in his room and turned off the alarm. For the first time in 4 years there were sheets of white snow covering everything in sight. He sprinted to the bathroom to perform his daily routine (check the bowl cut: exquisite, check for zits : only one, check for arm pit hair: no dice) with a newfound vigor and bounded down the steps. His younger siblings were still asleep and he and Captain Crunch were the only people inhabiting the kitchen. After doing battle with the captain and making a few phone calls Bones was headed out the door to Southampton Pool with two his friends Josh Jenkins and Curtis Craig to attack hills that would make even a sober Bodie Miller quiver.

As the trio approached the great mountain we saw something that made us tremble and had nothing to do with the hills epic height and danger. What we saw was far worse, it was the sight of trash staches. Everyone over the age of 14 knows that kids with trash staches are the owners of the middle school world. For some reason the combination of Fubu jeans, oversized Tommy Ts, laughable facial hair and curve cologne drives middle school girls wild. At Bones school it was no different. Because of the "staches" early development they also hold an unfair physical advantage over late bloomers like Bones and it seemed they had already laid there claim to piece of sledding territory we coveted.

Bones thought the day would be a complete waste until he saw Veronica VanHussen in the distance. As was her normal practice, Veronica was hanging with the staches. Everytime Bones saw her sporting her ruby red lipstick, hoop earings and a bubble jacket he envisioned listening to Montell Jordan's This is How We Do it ,while rocking matching Nick Van Exel jerseys and playing a two person game of spin the bottle. But Alas, she only liked guys with staches and Bones did not even require Right Guard yet.

Out of the corner of his eye Bones also noticed Danielle Driftwood, she was cute and nice but Bones was about danger. She approached him and said hi as always but Bones had bigger things on his mind. He walked by her without a word and was headed up to Southampton's version of the Black Diamond. A portion of the hill that not even the "staches" would approach. Bones ignored the warnings of his friends and the glare of the upper lips as he approached the summit armed with only a saucer. Right before lift off Bones yelled "I love you Veronica" before beginning his perilous descent. He carromed off rocks and went airborne while picking up speed. In spite of the gash in his leg, growing dizzyness and a recent stint of time travel Bones would not let go.

When he finally landed at the bottom of the hill Vicky was waiting and I thought all my dreams were about to be realized. However, as she leaned in for the kill the stench of Marlboro Reds and the remants of cheap cologne overtook my nostrils. At that moment I realized my destiny and chased after Danielle Driftwood who was crying because of once again being passed over by Bones. As I grabbed her hand and tried to kiss her she crushed a snow ball in my face. She then informed me she never wanted to talk to me again and that having a hair cut that is named after an item found in the cupboard is not cool. As Bones walked home battered, rejected and embarrased he made a solemn vow to himself to never Fear the Stach or turn down a free kiss again.

Chief of the week: From now on I will name a chief of the week during every midweek entry. Of all the chieflike activity Bones witnesseses this is the man that has seperated himself from everyone else as the ultimate chief. The following is a real e-mail sent to me by my friend Eric who is not above chieflike activity himself, having performed the chieflike task of giving himself two self proclaimed nicknames (Shark, E Roc). His girlfriend LYNDSAY is a teacher and recently made a simple commitment to play in her schools student-faculty basketball game. Little did she know the team was being coached by Adolph Rupp himself. The following are actually exerpts from an e-mail this CHIIIIIEEEEEEEFFFFFF sent. I must admit he covers 4 aspects of the sport that are paramount to success in stunning detail.
He takes advantage of mismatches:
Will always trap the opponent if a female is handling the ball.....
He doesn't allow easy baskets
Every foul must count, especially on drives and lay ups...
He Runs a complicated offense:
Review the following word associations: Review with group 1 versus group 2
Florida = Fast Break Offense { Bring ball up court asap }
Penn State = Pick or Screen { Provide a pick or screen }
Purdue = Press { Full court press }
Harvard = Half Court Press { as soon as the ball crosses half court }
Syracuse = Slow Down Offense { Pass - Pass - Pass, take time off the clock }
Texas = Trap { Two closest people to ball will trap “aggressively” }
Maryland = Get the ball inside to Matt Meakin
Moses = Part like the Red Sea { Basically provide a lane for Kevin to drive to basket; or dish off } AND He reminds his team they have a reputation to live up to:
2008 { Faculty 70 - Students 51 } 2007 { Faculty 66 - Students 43 }

Congratulations to this crazed man for winning the first ever Chief of the Week award. Next week's winner has a lot to live up to.