Mountain Man - In Bones' family common names like Agnus, Esther and Dick
are simply not used. As Mountain man (my father in terms of common folk) once stated, "how can one be named at the point of inception into mother earth when we now nothing about their destiny or the path they will take." Exactly Pops. (Disclaimer: The following is actually true) Mountain man was born to a happy young couple named Jimmy and Betty Lou Gill. Jimmy was a gunner of fighter planes in World War II and worked for the same company for over 40 years without ever missing a day. He was also incredibly handsome and had abs that would make the situation shudder. He could have married any woman in the land but knew the day he laid his eyes on young Betty Lou that he had found his life companion. Their first child was a boy named Lee. Since the beginning of his time in the world Lee failed to comprehend the reason for houses , schools or indoor facilities of any kind. He spent his days (and nights when allowed) in the wilderness and could tie any style knot out of dental floss before he began teething. The next child Jimmy and Betty Lou were blessed with was mountain man (the couple was went on to have 4 more children 3 of which were boys). Under Lee's tutelage he thrived in the Wilderness rarely eating anything that wasn't killed with his own two hands and roasted over an open fire. He gained notoriety at the age of 5 by throwing a stone 80 yards and connecting with the nose of one of the rival neighbors that was foolishly on enemy turf. (Disclaimer: the following is actually true) Mountain man excelled in school from an early age and was also an extremely succesful runner. He went on to win a race in which he covered 50 miles through mountainous terrain (yes this is still true). His spirit told him he had nowhere left to go so he stopped running and embarked on a career as a doctor. In was while in medical school that he met a young woman named Ann in the capital of the Confederecy Richmond, Va. Being that he was an avid Civil War buff and that Ann was the only woman he met that did not make him bath or shave he thought it to be fate and they were married shortly after. In addition to being a Civil War enthusiast Mountain man is also an avid kayaker and obsessed with all things American Indian. He has thrived in the medical field as an ER doctor and has performed several succesful surgeries without using anestesia. Mountain Man states, "I tell my patients to focus like the great Tecumseh did right before he went into battle the day he predicted his own death. He knew he should be scared, he knew death was imminent but he also knew no man can run from his destiny. Nothing hurts when a man is one with nature and destiny." Who knew?
Mother - Bones mother was born to an aspiring young engineer named William Sonnett and his saint of a wife Ann. Starting early in her childhood it was apparent that she would be an outstanding nurturer of young souls. She always watched out for her younger siblings Jack, Bill and Pat and at times was required to look out for her older brother Jim. In addition, she built nests for wounded birds and had a nursery under the porch for stray cats. Ann's kindness and charity continued into her adolescent years as she constantly tried to find dates for her helpless brothers. She graduated with a degree from James Madison University where she became certified to teach children with disabilities. It was the perfect job for Ann and she was a great teacher. However, the moment she caught the scent of the mountain man in the air she knew it would not be long until she would have to devote her energies full time to becoming the outstanding mother she was destined to be. Four years after the musky aroma of the brute known as mountain man entered her nostrils across a local campfire on a crisp, Autumn night Bones burst onto the scene. He was to be followed by five other a few of which were haunted souls whose fate could only be saved by a great mother. Thanks to Ann they are all alive and well. Their stories lie below.
Miss America - Miss America was born when Bones was three years old the day after he memerized a thesaurus and sank his first jumper from NBA three point range. From her first day on the planet Miss America was pickier than most babies. She refused to wear the outfit given to every other newborn in the hospital sobbing hysterically until she was placed in more stylish attire. At the age of two her first word was polo and she did not seem to understand the point of learning the taxing task of walking when there was someone there to carry her. At the age of seven she announced her plans to win Miss Teen USA and "to marry someone with a lot of money so I never have to work." She spent the majority of her teenage years making fun of Bones' bland attire and muttering phrases like "whatever Wal Mart shopper" to the rest of the family. Miss America has had her share of air headed quotes over the years, (Don't chew with your mouth full,) and when Miss South Carolina had her famous melt down she stated the answer made perfect sense to her. However, through avid studying and common sense counseling she was able to get into Virginia Tech where she obtained a degree from the school of business. She is currently dating an engineering major (no one saw that coming) and working for a non profit organization, "where we like help people or whatever."
Brother Luke - (The following is all true) Brother Luke was the next born to Mountain Man and Mother. He was one of the fattest toddlers ever seen but unlike most overweight children that age he was not self-consious. Brother Luke has always cared little what others think of him, personal appearance or anything else that normal men waste time worrying about. He is only been concerned about what the man upstairs thinks about him and spent the majority of his life trying to make him happy. Brother Luke has always been slow to anger and quick to offer a helping hand to those in need. He is such a good person it almost makes a common man such a Bones feel guilty to hang out with him. Others may make it a goal or say they are unselfish but he epitomizes the definition of the word. Ever since your loyal narrator can remember his happiness and preferences come secondary to those around him. In addition to excelling at life Brother Luke was also a great student and soccer player. He played one year of soccer at Wheeling Jesuit when deciding at the age of 19 (when most boys are deciding whether to drink Beast or Natti Light) to become a Priest. He has been in Conneticut studying and praying for a little over a year. Bones recently went to visit Brother Luke. He wakes up at 6 AM and his days consist of going to mass, class, praying and doing chores. Although this may sound painful to some to brother Luke it is pure bliss and Bones has not met a happier individual in his life.
Little Orphan Danny - Bones loyal readers have introduced to the notorius LOD and know that he has contributed to the blog in the past. What you may not know about him is that he is a 65 year old man trapped in a 17 year olds body. When he is not attempting to run away from home LOD spends his days listening to oldies, rocking a fedora and dreaming of the days when women all dressed USC cheerleaders. He stated to me just the other day. "Bones, you know how people say they were born before their time. Well I was born after mine. I wish I was born when their was a milk man, the paper was relevant and your best friends name was Walter. My idea of a perfect day would be waking up and having my wife Phyllis hand me the paper. I would check box scores on the jon and then eat two eggs sunny side up. I would take my son to a drive in movie and then to a diner where we would drink pop and eat a real burger. After the kids were in bed I would move all the furniture out of the living room and Phyllis and I would do the twist to Rockin Robin. Yea, that would be the bees knees, the stuff, the whole ball of wax." Well Orphan Boy you could always get a job at Johnny Rockets. Even though he spends much of his existence longing for the days of yore Orphan Boy is alive, in good health and promises to write a blog about Jim Zorn's firing in the near future.
J-Quan Aka Birdman - The fact that the J-Quan was born less than two years apart from LOD to the same parents is truly shocking. J-Quan is the only baby to ever be born with a doo rag on. His first sentence was a line from Ice Cube's it was a good day and he sagged his huggies so bad that mother always made sure he had two on at all times. By the age of six his closet consisted entirely of throwbacks and Phat Farm jeans. During his middle school days he spent a lot of time at a local restuarant named KeBryon's that was only open once a weak but had no problems staying in business. Mother was constantly finding fat wads of unmarked bills and parental advisory cds in his room. No one quite knows why J-Quan dressed or acted like he did but we all agreed he was headed down the wrong path. However, mother never gave up on him and after J-Quan did his first bid he came back a changed man. He now dedicates the majority of his time to dominating the debate and chess clubs at his high school, "where he straight murks cats with his mind" and also plays basketball and soccer. Although, he is more reserved J-Quan still marches to the beat of a different drummer. His career aspirations have changed from "making a lot of money that the goverment can't tax" to becoming a professional wrestler in Mexico. He is known on the local underground circuit as el hombre pajoro (the birdman) and is quietly becoming a youtube sensation. He is also 6'2 making him seem like a giant to some of his Latin brothers. Good Luck and God Speed el hombre pajoro.
Nails - Miss America had been rooting and praying for a sister she could bond with and dress up the last three times mother was pregnant. She finally got what she had hoped for when Nails was born. Well, sort of. Nails, like the youngest child in many families, was bullied constantly ever since the first moment she uttered her first word (which was ball). While in high school Bones promised to pay a 4 year old Nails for ever push up and every 10 sit ups she did during the day. It worked to perfection as she was the only mini mite on the swim team with a 6 pack (she was also the only swimmer to ever wear eye black). She was forced to participate in the constant games of basketball, football and full contact soccer at the household (the following is actually true) and lost her two front teeth while being slammed into the wall by J-Quan and LOD during one of these contests. Now in middle school Nails has started to show signs that she is being influenced by Miss America. However, as J-Quan so masterfully states, "it's nothing a sharp elbow can't fix."
Your loyal narrator hopes you enjoyed meeting his family as much as Jim Zorn enjoyed his time with the Redskins. In the coming days LOD will unleash an ode to this great man that will evoke both joy and sorrow.
