They say that you learn something new every day but when you have a mind as astute as the one Bones possesses ‘they’ are sadly mistaken because these days are few and far between for your loyal narrator. That being said, I was told today via blackberry from a loyal reader in Anchorage, Alaska that the 12 days of Christmas actually range from December 26th until January 6th. At first I doubted the validity of this claim but it has been substantiated by Wikipedia so all debate should cease immediately.I was confused, angry and for the first time on this crazy place we call earth a bit embarrassed. Then I remembered that this is my holiday. It is not the 12 days of Christmas, it is the 8 days of Blogness and these days can range anywhere on the calendar that I so choose. Maybe in Bones’ world 8 means 10, is an entity or something only I can fully comprehend. The point (besides the fact that I have fallen helplessly behind my own set schedule) is the 8 days of Blogness is Festivus and I am Frank Constanza. Let the carol continue.
4 Most Hated Fans
Mr. Negative: There is nothing worse than going to a stadium or sports bar to watch your favorite team and being situated next to one of these chiefs. From the opening kick this guy, or in the absolute worst case scenario girl, shares his pessimistic view on his “favorite” team with the rest of the world. In the expert opinion of Captain Negative every coach is an idiot and every player is awful but the majority of the blame falls squarely on the quarterback. Every incompletion is followed by an, “I can see that you should have thrown it to the tight end from here, You Moron.” However, Bones has to agree. If you can see that the tight end was open, on the slow motion replay, with an unadultered view of the whole field how can the quarterback that is trying to avoid four 300 pound lineman and gauge what the exact location of the best athletes in the world will be when the ball arrives not see it?
The players’ best friend: It is an unwritten rule of sorts that you should not refer to a person by solely their first name unless you know them pretty well. When a fan does this not only are they giving off the impression that they have some kind of personal relationship with the guy on the field but it sounds utterly ridiculous. If you do this or do not see a problem with it imagine a Georgia fan with a southern accent telling a friend about how the Bulldogs running back won the latest Southeastern conference clash. “When we got that damn ball back with 2:34 on the clock I knew there was no daggum way Knoshown was going to let us lose. Knoshown just had that look in his eyes that he wasn’t going to let me down right before he reeled off that 60 yard TD. That’s my boy Knoshown alright.”
The fan who needs attention: This fan seems to believe that the people who paid half their weekly paycheck to witness a sporting event came to him and not phenomenal athletes on the field. This ‘zany’ fanatic tries to draw attention to himself and away from the game in a variety of ways including: painting their face, reeling one generic line after another (“get off your knees ref you blowing the game) which is followed by a high five from one of his buddies or my least favorite wearing the jersey of a team that is not playing.
Pump up the volume: I am all for both being involved in a game as a fan and standing up during appropriate situations. However, it irks Bones when he has just settled in at a game and the guy in front of him turns around, begins to raise the roof and yells, “Everybody get up, this is a huge play, the guys really need you out there!” on the second snap of the game. This practice continues throughout the entire contest and this ‘super’ fan passes off people who object as just not wanting it bad enough.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
5 Biggest Chiefs
Since "Chief" is the most used word in Bones' vocabulary he has been laboring over the best way to explain it to his loyal readers for weeks. After hours of meditation, experimentation with LSD, self-inflicted torture and a vision quest your narrator was physically tougher, spiritually stronger and a huge fan of Phish but still my fingers, that ussually spin out wizadry at a 347 word per minute pace, were stagnant. Finally, it came to me in a flashback. Trey Anastasio and I were on a cloud and he extended his hand out to me in comfort. In his hand he was holding the Penguin from Billy Madison, which was holding the Gopher from CaddyShack, which was holding a fortune cookie. I opened the fortune cookie which read "Bones, Simply give examples of the five biggest Chiefs and they will understand." I ate the cookie, which tasted like Ben and Jerry's ice cream, bowed and walked to this very laptop.
5) Any guy who uses the word chief in a serious manner: Without fail when you see the sneaky hot girl from high school or college that had absolutely no personality at a party and she introduces you to her boyfriend he will shake your hand rediculously hard and say "How's it going Chief?" The irony is that he is actually the Chief. During the ensuing conversation he will also mutter statements like "The (enter political party he belongs to) are really gonna get it done this year, How about gas prices huh chief? Re-dic-u-lous, and Hows your portfolio? Insider tips are saving my ass. At this point I quote my good friend Greg Focker, "I'd say strong to quit strong," and then point right at the Herm Edwards wannabe and yell CHIIEEEFFFFFF!
4) Men that wear short shorts: As a man why would you want to show more of your body then you have to. One of the only advantages we have over the opposite sex is that we can pretty much get all the information we need about a woman's figure when she is fully clothed. On the other hand they have absolutely no idea what we have to offer unless a particular man is obese or has cartoon muscles like Joey Porter. These chiefs want to help the female species out by exposing their quads. (The entire chief for men collection is completed by those things that wrap around your neck to make sure sunglasses don't randomly fly off your face in the middle of the day, a flourescent colored sport coat, a bow tie and a dirty, fish hook covered South Carolina hat, Go Cocks!, hilarious) I want these guys to give me an actual example of this attire helping them pick up a girl. At Bones' college some males would even cut their already short shorts to furthur let everyone know they live to do squats. All I could ever do when I saw these Squanto impersonators walking towards me is pray for winter, point at the Daisy Duke wannabee and bellow a CHIIEEEEFFFFFF!
3) Males that constantly brag about sex: Bones prides himself on keeping his blog PG. However, everyone reading this has run into a clown who acts like Ron Jeremy is an amateur and these people need to be called out. This chief is a guy that you ussually barely even know. He is the friend of a friend or a casual acquaintance that you somehow end up getting stuck talking to at a party of wedding. This man is short, stocky, has earrings, frosted tips or both and is probably packing the equivalent of George Constanza after getting out of a pool downstairs. After a minute or two of time-killing conversation this chief will points at a girl and say some version of the following, "See the blonde girl over there? Yea, I got that. Thing about it was I mean it was so easy and dude, between me and you she is wild. I mean girls are always puddy when I lie about how much I volunteer but this girl, she just couldn't get enough. I brought the hammer too, quite the marathon performance but she couldn't take it anymore so I had to stop." When Bones encounters this Joe Montana past his prime impersonator he repeats exactly what the guy said to the young lady and she responds by looking across the room, pointing and yelling CHIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFF!
2) Guys at the gym who want to share their workout plans: Anyone who has ever been to a gym has come across a plethora of things people do that bothers them. The thing that bothers Bones' the most is when a chief he does not even know comes up and informs me that what I am doing is worthless and that I need to get on his workout plan. You can seemingly be enjoying a casual set of bench press when this guy pounces on you. "Man, that looked way to easy, How many reps did you get? 12? Come on Man! You're never going to get huge like that. You got to punish your pecs. Ya hear me? Punish those puppies. Heavier weight, fewer reps, that's the key. I know you want to impress the ladies and there is nothing ladies love more than nice pecs. They eat it up. Why don't you put another 45 on both sides and do 5 sets of 5, I'll spot you." When I run into this Sitting Bull impersonating fellow I run for the exit, turn around, point and yell CHIEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFF!
1) Men who write blogs.
5) Any guy who uses the word chief in a serious manner: Without fail when you see the sneaky hot girl from high school or college that had absolutely no personality at a party and she introduces you to her boyfriend he will shake your hand rediculously hard and say "How's it going Chief?" The irony is that he is actually the Chief. During the ensuing conversation he will also mutter statements like "The (enter political party he belongs to) are really gonna get it done this year, How about gas prices huh chief? Re-dic-u-lous, and Hows your portfolio? Insider tips are saving my ass. At this point I quote my good friend Greg Focker, "I'd say strong to quit strong," and then point right at the Herm Edwards wannabe and yell CHIIEEEFFFFFF!
4) Men that wear short shorts: As a man why would you want to show more of your body then you have to. One of the only advantages we have over the opposite sex is that we can pretty much get all the information we need about a woman's figure when she is fully clothed. On the other hand they have absolutely no idea what we have to offer unless a particular man is obese or has cartoon muscles like Joey Porter. These chiefs want to help the female species out by exposing their quads. (The entire chief for men collection is completed by those things that wrap around your neck to make sure sunglasses don't randomly fly off your face in the middle of the day, a flourescent colored sport coat, a bow tie and a dirty, fish hook covered South Carolina hat, Go Cocks!, hilarious) I want these guys to give me an actual example of this attire helping them pick up a girl. At Bones' college some males would even cut their already short shorts to furthur let everyone know they live to do squats. All I could ever do when I saw these Squanto impersonators walking towards me is pray for winter, point at the Daisy Duke wannabee and bellow a CHIIEEEEFFFFFF!
3) Males that constantly brag about sex: Bones prides himself on keeping his blog PG. However, everyone reading this has run into a clown who acts like Ron Jeremy is an amateur and these people need to be called out. This chief is a guy that you ussually barely even know. He is the friend of a friend or a casual acquaintance that you somehow end up getting stuck talking to at a party of wedding. This man is short, stocky, has earrings, frosted tips or both and is probably packing the equivalent of George Constanza after getting out of a pool downstairs. After a minute or two of time-killing conversation this chief will points at a girl and say some version of the following, "See the blonde girl over there? Yea, I got that. Thing about it was I mean it was so easy and dude, between me and you she is wild. I mean girls are always puddy when I lie about how much I volunteer but this girl, she just couldn't get enough. I brought the hammer too, quite the marathon performance but she couldn't take it anymore so I had to stop." When Bones encounters this Joe Montana past his prime impersonator he repeats exactly what the guy said to the young lady and she responds by looking across the room, pointing and yelling CHIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFF!
2) Guys at the gym who want to share their workout plans: Anyone who has ever been to a gym has come across a plethora of things people do that bothers them. The thing that bothers Bones' the most is when a chief he does not even know comes up and informs me that what I am doing is worthless and that I need to get on his workout plan. You can seemingly be enjoying a casual set of bench press when this guy pounces on you. "Man, that looked way to easy, How many reps did you get? 12? Come on Man! You're never going to get huge like that. You got to punish your pecs. Ya hear me? Punish those puppies. Heavier weight, fewer reps, that's the key. I know you want to impress the ladies and there is nothing ladies love more than nice pecs. They eat it up. Why don't you put another 45 on both sides and do 5 sets of 5, I'll spot you." When I run into this Sitting Bull impersonating fellow I run for the exit, turn around, point and yell CHIEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFF!
1) Men who write blogs.
Monday, December 22, 2008
6 Christmas sports gifts
Bones' apologizes for taking the last three days off but promises to have 6 blogs done by the end of Christmas day. I sat down to type up this entry on Saturday and my girlfriend informed me if I ever attempted to blog again in her presence that I would never be in her presence again. So I continued to blog and then she took my beer and wouldn't give it back so I stopped. Yes, ladies I am sorry there is a Mrs. Bones. However, do not let that discourage you from continuing to send photos, poetry and gift cards. On with the festivities.
6) A pair of tights that fit for Brett Favre: I have never been able to figure out why the ole gunslinger is the only player in the NFL whose football pants sag down like a trash-stache sporting, South Pole wearing 8th grader's. As strange as it might be everyone in the leauge wears tights and even the kickers seem to be able to fill them out. Bones is not saying he wants to see what Favre's momma gave him I just want the man to be comfortable and save him the embarrasment of looking like he pulled a Najeh Davenport while being blitzed.
5) A congratulatory handshake for Reggie Theus: "Congratulate him for what Bones? Don't you know his just got layed off!" Simmer down and let me explain. I want to congratulate Coach, I mean Mr. Theus for pulling off the most improbable parlay of all time. "Yea right man, this past Sunday I parlayed the Raiders, Redskins, Seahawks, Bills and Chargers money lines paid out 150 to 1 probably buy a car or something with the winnings." First of all you didn't, second of all is that more impressive then going from coaching a coed high school 4 on 4 team that played on a 25 foot long court a with circular backboard to an NBA team in less than 10 years? He parlayed his "starring" role in the saturday morning classic "Hang Time" into a gig announcing Slamball. Rick Pitino was so impressed with the combination of Theu' abililties to get slow, white 6'1 coed basketball players big time D-1 scholarships and his analysis of trampoline basketball that he was able to win the third game of his parlay as an assistant for Louisville. He then parlayed that into the head job at New Mexico State and then parlayed that into the job with the Kings. The most amazing thing is Coach Theus overachieved both with the Aggies and by winning 38 games last year with a Kings roster that should have won no more than 20. However, the Maloof brothers looked away from the blackjack table and strippers long enough to see that firing coaches in the NBA was the new fad and gave Theus the undeserving axe. So here's a toast to Mr. Theus in hopes that he teams with Gus Johnson in the slam ball broadcast booth on CBS in the near future.
4) A safety for Plaxico Burress: I know that joke is obvious and overplayed. The real reason I am using one of my precious 6 gifts on the troubled wide out is to draw attention to the fact that Bill Simmons started calling him Cheddar Plax the day after I let the world know that is exactly what I yelled the entire Redskins-Giants game. Coincidence or is the "Sports Guy" stealing ideas from Bones? If you look at his NBA preview that also came out one day after mine, it is also earily similar albeit 10 times as long. I think Mr. Simmons and I need to have a talk or next year at this time I will be giving him the gift of an editor.
3) A two sided tails coin for Lions fans: I know it sounds corny but if I was a Lions fan and my team was 0-15 I really think it would help to act like Jerome Bettis had just said heads when he clearly said tails and watch the coin land tails time after time. (On another note Cyndi Lauper's timeless (no pun intended) classic Time after Time was one of the songs played at the school dance in Napolean Dynamite. I never understood what was going on in that movie. Was it set in the middle of nowhere in a place where they had not caught up with modern day clothes and music or was it set in the mid 80s. Either way I offer a decree on playing strictly 80s music and girls being forced to rock side ponytails from the day after Christmas until New Years Eve in Pedro's honor.)
2) A visit from the ghost of Christmas past and futre for Jerry Jones: No one enjoys watching the Cowboys and their puppet looking owner suffer more than your loyal narrator. (I have been wondering who Jerry Jones looks like all year and it just hit me at this very second. It is the guy who is charge of the whole operation in the movie Team America. I would give up sports for an entire year if I could here him start a postgame speech with, "Nice job men, now back to the base for debriefing and cocktails.) Anyways the ghost would take him back to when the Cowboys were a dynasty and he was actually relevant and then take him ten years into the future where his cynial ways have made sure "America's Team" has still not won a playoff game since 96', he is still coaxing the team to get TO the ball even though he retired years ago and he has shunned the suit and is wearing a cowboys warm up suit a la Al Davis.
1) A metal detector for our good friend Wade Phillips: Upon opening the gift he would look at Phyllis with that sheepish grin and say "Butter Cup, I can't wait for them to knock that daggum stadium we just closed with a loss down so I can take a looksie at the wreckage. Now go get that cowboy hat on this eggnog is making poppa bear feel a little frisky."
6) A pair of tights that fit for Brett Favre: I have never been able to figure out why the ole gunslinger is the only player in the NFL whose football pants sag down like a trash-stache sporting, South Pole wearing 8th grader's. As strange as it might be everyone in the leauge wears tights and even the kickers seem to be able to fill them out. Bones is not saying he wants to see what Favre's momma gave him I just want the man to be comfortable and save him the embarrasment of looking like he pulled a Najeh Davenport while being blitzed.
5) A congratulatory handshake for Reggie Theus: "Congratulate him for what Bones? Don't you know his just got layed off!" Simmer down and let me explain. I want to congratulate Coach, I mean Mr. Theus for pulling off the most improbable parlay of all time. "Yea right man, this past Sunday I parlayed the Raiders, Redskins, Seahawks, Bills and Chargers money lines paid out 150 to 1 probably buy a car or something with the winnings." First of all you didn't, second of all is that more impressive then going from coaching a coed high school 4 on 4 team that played on a 25 foot long court a with circular backboard to an NBA team in less than 10 years? He parlayed his "starring" role in the saturday morning classic "Hang Time" into a gig announcing Slamball. Rick Pitino was so impressed with the combination of Theu' abililties to get slow, white 6'1 coed basketball players big time D-1 scholarships and his analysis of trampoline basketball that he was able to win the third game of his parlay as an assistant for Louisville. He then parlayed that into the head job at New Mexico State and then parlayed that into the job with the Kings. The most amazing thing is Coach Theus overachieved both with the Aggies and by winning 38 games last year with a Kings roster that should have won no more than 20. However, the Maloof brothers looked away from the blackjack table and strippers long enough to see that firing coaches in the NBA was the new fad and gave Theus the undeserving axe. So here's a toast to Mr. Theus in hopes that he teams with Gus Johnson in the slam ball broadcast booth on CBS in the near future.
4) A safety for Plaxico Burress: I know that joke is obvious and overplayed. The real reason I am using one of my precious 6 gifts on the troubled wide out is to draw attention to the fact that Bill Simmons started calling him Cheddar Plax the day after I let the world know that is exactly what I yelled the entire Redskins-Giants game. Coincidence or is the "Sports Guy" stealing ideas from Bones? If you look at his NBA preview that also came out one day after mine, it is also earily similar albeit 10 times as long. I think Mr. Simmons and I need to have a talk or next year at this time I will be giving him the gift of an editor.
3) A two sided tails coin for Lions fans: I know it sounds corny but if I was a Lions fan and my team was 0-15 I really think it would help to act like Jerome Bettis had just said heads when he clearly said tails and watch the coin land tails time after time. (On another note Cyndi Lauper's timeless (no pun intended) classic Time after Time was one of the songs played at the school dance in Napolean Dynamite. I never understood what was going on in that movie. Was it set in the middle of nowhere in a place where they had not caught up with modern day clothes and music or was it set in the mid 80s. Either way I offer a decree on playing strictly 80s music and girls being forced to rock side ponytails from the day after Christmas until New Years Eve in Pedro's honor.)
2) A visit from the ghost of Christmas past and futre for Jerry Jones: No one enjoys watching the Cowboys and their puppet looking owner suffer more than your loyal narrator. (I have been wondering who Jerry Jones looks like all year and it just hit me at this very second. It is the guy who is charge of the whole operation in the movie Team America. I would give up sports for an entire year if I could here him start a postgame speech with, "Nice job men, now back to the base for debriefing and cocktails.) Anyways the ghost would take him back to when the Cowboys were a dynasty and he was actually relevant and then take him ten years into the future where his cynial ways have made sure "America's Team" has still not won a playoff game since 96', he is still coaxing the team to get TO the ball even though he retired years ago and he has shunned the suit and is wearing a cowboys warm up suit a la Al Davis.
1) A metal detector for our good friend Wade Phillips: Upon opening the gift he would look at Phyllis with that sheepish grin and say "Butter Cup, I can't wait for them to knock that daggum stadium we just closed with a loss down so I can take a looksie at the wreckage. Now go get that cowboy hat on this eggnog is making poppa bear feel a little frisky."
Friday, December 19, 2008
7 Smoked Bowls
I know this is going the opposite direction of the Twelve Days of Christmas carol but I think it makes way more sense. The male character in this carol, known to us only as true love, is undoubtedly a generous fellow but he has the idea of gift giving completely backwards. You are supposed to give small gifts like socks, Starbucks gift certificates and Lions tickets first and then finish off with a bang. This overanxious amatuer comes right out and gives his lady a Partridge bearing Pear Tree. How can a fruit bearing tree that magically is able to make patridges stay inside its warm confines be topped? The answer is it cannot. The gifts on the ensuing days were simply forced seperation from his ladies time with the great tree. Bones will not make the same mistake as our giving but confused friend. The eight hours with Bones was simply an appetizer intended to tease my loyal followers and make the growling in their stomach even louder. I hope to get better and better each day and hope to give out a blog on Christmas that can be compared to that moment as a child when you think you have opened all your presents and your parents tell you their is a suprise in the garage. The feeling of opening the door and seeing a bike, fooseball table or in Bones' case, having your dad rent Anna Kournikova for a day is impossible to re-enact but I will try my best.
On the seventh day of Christmas Bones gave to me: 7 smoked bowls
(A daring return of the Travis Locks of the Week) YTD 24-22-2
December 23rd Poinsetta Bowl
TCU -2.5 over Boise State) Has anyone else noticed that Boise State's 10th year senior running back, Ian Johnson's, marriage is never mentioned. It was the story of the year after the proposal so where are the updates on the happy family life? The video clips of Johnson and his wife shunning juvenile collegiate activites and living for one another. I am guessing, but not rooting, that like most decisions during a heightened state of emotion it was one Mr. Johnson wishes he could have back. Call me crazy but the last thing Bones would be thinking after scoring a BCS game-winning TD to become the only person a normal citizen in the United States can name that lives in Idaho would be, where is my girlfriend I need to get engaged? One could argue Boise State has gone to running back by committee because the Broncos running back has hit the wall most great backs do at age 30 but Bones thinks Johnson is to busy editing the end of that play to concentrate on current games. The demise of the Broncos legend combined with the Horned Frogs defense will lead to an easy TCU victory. TCU 35, Boise State 14.
December 24th Aloha Bowl
Hawaii -1.5 over Notre Dame) Bones cannot wait to catch a glimpse Charlie Weiss wearing a Lei. Hawaii will win this game for two reasons: They are the better team and while Hawaii does not have any Rainbow Warriors on their roster there are quite a few Irish players on Notre Dame, and as has been true since the beginning of time, the sun and cheap booze will spell their demise. Hawaii 27, Notre Dame 17.
December 3oth Holiday Bowl
Oregon plus 3 over Oklahoma State) Bones really has no idea who will win but had to pick someone in what could be the most enertaining bowl game this year. I would not be suprised if the combined score in the game reached triple digits and I cannot wait to be a witness. Touchdowns scored will only be outnumbered by the ammount of times Bones yells, "I am a man, I'm 40," during the telecast. Oregon 71, Oklahoma State 67.
January 2nd Cotton Bowl
Texas Tech -4.5 over Mississippi) It is hard for me to believe that the name of the eccentric, pirate loving genius that diagrams the Red Raiders attack name is Mike. Guys like that are just never named Mike. If I had to come up three guesses of what his real first name is I would probably go with Albert, Dexter and Fred. This being said I think the arm of Graham Harrell, the legs of Michael Crabtree and the mind of Dexter Leach will simply be to much for Coach Nutt and the Rebels. Texas Tech 52, Ole Miss 38.
January 3rd Sugar Bowl
On the seventh day of Christmas Bones gave to me: 7 smoked bowls
(A daring return of the Travis Locks of the Week) YTD 24-22-2
December 23rd Poinsetta Bowl
TCU -2.5 over Boise State) Has anyone else noticed that Boise State's 10th year senior running back, Ian Johnson's, marriage is never mentioned. It was the story of the year after the proposal so where are the updates on the happy family life? The video clips of Johnson and his wife shunning juvenile collegiate activites and living for one another. I am guessing, but not rooting, that like most decisions during a heightened state of emotion it was one Mr. Johnson wishes he could have back. Call me crazy but the last thing Bones would be thinking after scoring a BCS game-winning TD to become the only person a normal citizen in the United States can name that lives in Idaho would be, where is my girlfriend I need to get engaged? One could argue Boise State has gone to running back by committee because the Broncos running back has hit the wall most great backs do at age 30 but Bones thinks Johnson is to busy editing the end of that play to concentrate on current games. The demise of the Broncos legend combined with the Horned Frogs defense will lead to an easy TCU victory. TCU 35, Boise State 14.
December 24th Aloha Bowl
Hawaii -1.5 over Notre Dame) Bones cannot wait to catch a glimpse Charlie Weiss wearing a Lei. Hawaii will win this game for two reasons: They are the better team and while Hawaii does not have any Rainbow Warriors on their roster there are quite a few Irish players on Notre Dame, and as has been true since the beginning of time, the sun and cheap booze will spell their demise. Hawaii 27, Notre Dame 17.
December 3oth Holiday Bowl
Oregon plus 3 over Oklahoma State) Bones really has no idea who will win but had to pick someone in what could be the most enertaining bowl game this year. I would not be suprised if the combined score in the game reached triple digits and I cannot wait to be a witness. Touchdowns scored will only be outnumbered by the ammount of times Bones yells, "I am a man, I'm 40," during the telecast. Oregon 71, Oklahoma State 67.
January 2nd Cotton Bowl
Texas Tech -4.5 over Mississippi) It is hard for me to believe that the name of the eccentric, pirate loving genius that diagrams the Red Raiders attack name is Mike. Guys like that are just never named Mike. If I had to come up three guesses of what his real first name is I would probably go with Albert, Dexter and Fred. This being said I think the arm of Graham Harrell, the legs of Michael Crabtree and the mind of Dexter Leach will simply be to much for Coach Nutt and the Rebels. Texas Tech 52, Ole Miss 38.
January 3rd Sugar Bowl
Alabama -10 over Utah) I can hear Saban's pre-game speech now. Men, we are big, young, fast and free. They are small, balding, slow and married! Bones believes Alabama's offensive game plan will go something like this, Coffee up the middle for 8 yards, the brother of the guy from two-a-days play action to Jones for 20, repeat. Alabama 34, Utah 10.
January 5th Fiesta Bowl
Texas -8.5 over Ohio State) Colt McCoy. ooooh say it again. Colt McCoy ooooh say it again. Colt McCoy ooooh say it again. Yes, I just made a reference to a heyanna with the voice of Whoopi Goldberg in my blog. Anyways, McCoy is a tiny bit better than Terrell Pryor and we have seen this story before. I propose that Ohio State players have to start with negative Buckeyes on their helmet depending on how many points they lose by in the previous years' BCS contest. Texas 41, Ohio State 24.
January 8th BCS Championship
Florida -3 over Oklahoma) I have made the mistake of picking against Tebow and his Gators far too many times already.
Tune in tommorrow as the festivities continue
Thursday, December 18, 2008
8 Hours with Bones
On the 8th day of Blogness Bones gave to me, 8 Hours with Bones:
As promised you will be able to follow your loyal narrator every step of the day. Never again will you be performing data entry, taking a client out to lunch or trying to muster up the courage to ask the secretary to go to the company Christmas party as a couple and wonder, "What is Bones doing right now?" Remember what I do on December 18, 2008 (which will be known as "No Bones about it" day from now on and probably will rival Christmas as the countries biggest commercial holiday in years to come) is the same exact thing I do everyday, it never changes. Without furthur ado.
8:32: I stroll into work exactly 2 minutes late everyday. If I leave the house at 8:07 I either hit traffic or not have exact change (why do people in toll booths act suprised when you give them a dollar? You would think they would have the right ammount of change ready since it it is always the same. Maybe the price of tolls is like the stock market. The sign says 70c because that is what the market is set at each day. It fluctuates up and down and they have to check it in case it changes but by some miracle the value always stays above 69.50 and below 70.50.) or hit traffic and get here at 8:32. If I leave at 8:15 and I am worried about being painfully late there is no traffic to speak of, I have exact change and I still get here at 8:32. My New Year's resolution is to be ready at 8:07 everyday, then do 8 minute abs and leave at 8:15. This will not only save those sometimes wasted 8 minutes but also keep my abs looking like White Goodman's and thus reward the ladies.
10:01: For the last hour and a half my day has gone like this, check personal e-mail, fantasy football, e-mail, facebook, e-mail, fantasy football, facebook, e-mail, the insideslant.com, e-mail, facebook, espn.com, e-mail, answer phone, mail 1 count that 1 check, e-mail, facebook, grillenwitgill.blogspot.com. Their is no method to my madness I just do not know what else to do. The sad thing is that my fantasy football season ended last week. Another unfortunate thing about today is there are only 2 NBA games. I ussually read the summaries for the 8-12 games that night then decide which 2 or 3 I want to wager a George Washington or Abe Lincoln on depending on confidence. I am 10-1 the last 2 nights, which has never and will happen again, and have netted almost enough cash to go for the combo meal over the dollar menu today at lunch. Ok, it looks as if I have to go. There is another check to mail and Cowherd is about to start. Wait, he is out of town! Noooooooooooooooooo.
11:12: I just hit pause on the latest Bill Simmons podcast to inform you that one of my friends from high school, Brammer, (who is a clone of Landon Donovan, seriously a clone, I always tell him if he did nothing but squats and calf raises for six months he could move to LA and never pay for a beer or be without female companionship until Donovan is irrelavant) just wrote me a text which read as follows: "Are you seriously keeping a running blog of your day? I am always devastated when Cowherd goes on vacation too." This means that there is at least one more person reading this then I thought was possible. Is there anyone else out there? Aight, back to Simmons, filling in a spreadsheet with numbers that symbolize nothing, and perfecting the art of minimization.
12:37: It is at this time a day when I am faced with the most difficult decision I have to make while at work. Since, How will I help the company today? Where can I obtain the latest leads? and What is my motivation now that I have reached my monthly goal? do no not apply to Bones the question of, When should I go to lunch?, is the only one I must tackle with analytical vigor. I get one hour a day and can take it whenever I so choose. I ussually shun the supposed most important meal of the day known as breakfast so by noon my stomach is begging me to sample the rediculous collection of snacks kept at the office. This is when I remind my stomach that if it wants to continue to be used as a washboard sun chips, cool ranch dorritos, classic lays and funions will not suffice. However, I cannot go to lunch at noon, my day would never end. For some reason when I get back from lunch time creeps to a pace that would have even the Slowskeys begging for DSL. When I first started here I was weak sometimes appeasing my hunger at 1 pm or even earlier. However, after intense training and reading Phil Jackson's Long Stange Journey I can ussually ignore weakness until around 1:45. My personal record is 3:07. Today the goal is a lofty 2:06, wish me luck!
3:27: I was able to hold off on going to lunch until an impressive 2:21. Ah, the power of imagination. I accomplished this incredible feat by pretending I was eating dinner with Robin Williams and the Lost Boys in Hook. I simply got out a bowl, closed my eyes and shoveled pile after pile of vibrant colored, Gak (obscure Nickolodean reference) textured goodness into my mouth. When I snapped out of my day dream I was swinging on a rope from the second floor, while throwing a purple gob of satisfaction at my boss and screaming bangarang. When asked what I thought I was doing I simply replied, "Roooooooffffffffiiiiioooooooo" and walked out to my car for lunch.
5:17: As a second Sports guy Podcast and another longer than imaginable day come to a close I want to thank you for your rabid participation and provide you with a tally of the days events.
23 views of ESPN.com
20 sent e-mails
17 personnal e-mail checks
11 visits to facebook
6 blog posts
5 bank account checks (in case I bought something subconciously)
2 Simmons Podcasts
1 trip to never never land
Thanks again for the support and see you tommorrow as the festivities continue.
As promised you will be able to follow your loyal narrator every step of the day. Never again will you be performing data entry, taking a client out to lunch or trying to muster up the courage to ask the secretary to go to the company Christmas party as a couple and wonder, "What is Bones doing right now?" Remember what I do on December 18, 2008 (which will be known as "No Bones about it" day from now on and probably will rival Christmas as the countries biggest commercial holiday in years to come) is the same exact thing I do everyday, it never changes. Without furthur ado.
8:32: I stroll into work exactly 2 minutes late everyday. If I leave the house at 8:07 I either hit traffic or not have exact change (why do people in toll booths act suprised when you give them a dollar? You would think they would have the right ammount of change ready since it it is always the same. Maybe the price of tolls is like the stock market. The sign says 70c because that is what the market is set at each day. It fluctuates up and down and they have to check it in case it changes but by some miracle the value always stays above 69.50 and below 70.50.) or hit traffic and get here at 8:32. If I leave at 8:15 and I am worried about being painfully late there is no traffic to speak of, I have exact change and I still get here at 8:32. My New Year's resolution is to be ready at 8:07 everyday, then do 8 minute abs and leave at 8:15. This will not only save those sometimes wasted 8 minutes but also keep my abs looking like White Goodman's and thus reward the ladies.
10:01: For the last hour and a half my day has gone like this, check personal e-mail, fantasy football, e-mail, facebook, e-mail, fantasy football, facebook, e-mail, the insideslant.com, e-mail, facebook, espn.com, e-mail, answer phone, mail 1 count that 1 check, e-mail, facebook, grillenwitgill.blogspot.com. Their is no method to my madness I just do not know what else to do. The sad thing is that my fantasy football season ended last week. Another unfortunate thing about today is there are only 2 NBA games. I ussually read the summaries for the 8-12 games that night then decide which 2 or 3 I want to wager a George Washington or Abe Lincoln on depending on confidence. I am 10-1 the last 2 nights, which has never and will happen again, and have netted almost enough cash to go for the combo meal over the dollar menu today at lunch. Ok, it looks as if I have to go. There is another check to mail and Cowherd is about to start. Wait, he is out of town! Noooooooooooooooooo.
11:12: I just hit pause on the latest Bill Simmons podcast to inform you that one of my friends from high school, Brammer, (who is a clone of Landon Donovan, seriously a clone, I always tell him if he did nothing but squats and calf raises for six months he could move to LA and never pay for a beer or be without female companionship until Donovan is irrelavant) just wrote me a text which read as follows: "Are you seriously keeping a running blog of your day? I am always devastated when Cowherd goes on vacation too." This means that there is at least one more person reading this then I thought was possible. Is there anyone else out there? Aight, back to Simmons, filling in a spreadsheet with numbers that symbolize nothing, and perfecting the art of minimization.
12:37: It is at this time a day when I am faced with the most difficult decision I have to make while at work. Since, How will I help the company today? Where can I obtain the latest leads? and What is my motivation now that I have reached my monthly goal? do no not apply to Bones the question of, When should I go to lunch?, is the only one I must tackle with analytical vigor. I get one hour a day and can take it whenever I so choose. I ussually shun the supposed most important meal of the day known as breakfast so by noon my stomach is begging me to sample the rediculous collection of snacks kept at the office. This is when I remind my stomach that if it wants to continue to be used as a washboard sun chips, cool ranch dorritos, classic lays and funions will not suffice. However, I cannot go to lunch at noon, my day would never end. For some reason when I get back from lunch time creeps to a pace that would have even the Slowskeys begging for DSL. When I first started here I was weak sometimes appeasing my hunger at 1 pm or even earlier. However, after intense training and reading Phil Jackson's Long Stange Journey I can ussually ignore weakness until around 1:45. My personal record is 3:07. Today the goal is a lofty 2:06, wish me luck!
3:27: I was able to hold off on going to lunch until an impressive 2:21. Ah, the power of imagination. I accomplished this incredible feat by pretending I was eating dinner with Robin Williams and the Lost Boys in Hook. I simply got out a bowl, closed my eyes and shoveled pile after pile of vibrant colored, Gak (obscure Nickolodean reference) textured goodness into my mouth. When I snapped out of my day dream I was swinging on a rope from the second floor, while throwing a purple gob of satisfaction at my boss and screaming bangarang. When asked what I thought I was doing I simply replied, "Roooooooffffffffiiiiioooooooo" and walked out to my car for lunch.
5:17: As a second Sports guy Podcast and another longer than imaginable day come to a close I want to thank you for your rabid participation and provide you with a tally of the days events.
23 views of ESPN.com
20 sent e-mails
17 personnal e-mail checks
11 visits to facebook
6 blog posts
5 bank account checks (in case I bought something subconciously)
2 Simmons Podcasts
1 trip to never never land
Thanks again for the support and see you tommorrow as the festivities continue.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
8 DAYS OF BLOGNESS
"That title is not clever at all and it's the 12 days of Christmas you moron!" To those of you who just yelled that at your computer let me say three things. One, you just yelled at a computer, two I couldn't think of anything containing the words blog, Bones or grillenwitgill that was any better and three this is Bones Christman gift so be greatful. For someone who has claimed to your loyal narrator at least once, I have not been very loyal lately. The fact that my boss has not left the office for a month and that until now I was not willing to blog on my own time has led to the number of e-mails in my inbox demanding more entries slightly outnumbering the number of e-mails offering ways to make millions working at home (never apply for a job on craigslist). I am losing readers by the thousands and the sponsors that funnel millions into this site gave me quite a tongue lashing during a conference call last night. I could have pulled an Oscar De La Hoya and refused to get out of the corner after a verbal beating like that but I instead choose to take the approach of Lions coach Rod Marinelli. I may have gone 0-14 over the last month but "my shovel is sharp and my will is outstanding" as we head into the Christmas season.
The previous paragraph was a long winded way of saying my blog entries are going to be more frequent, funnier (I know it doesn't seem possible) and longer (a Roman times like throwdown can now commence.) For the next 8 days I will write a blog everey day, including Christmas. The titles loosely fit they lyrics of an obscure carol. So without furthur ado Bones presents:
The 8 days of Blogness, First 4 days of Christmas listed to help you catch the tune:
12 Drummers Drumming: Unfortunately that is not all they do at Wiscosin
11Pipers Piping: Open to suggestions
10 Lords of Leapings: Think of a basketball game between 10 God Shamgod's
9 Ladies Dancing: What surrounds Bones everytime he steps out of his house
8 Hours with Bones: Dec 18 Bones will be with you every second of the day while at work (riveting)
7 Smoked Bowls: A preview and pick of the 7 best bowl games from your truly.
6 Christmas gifts for athletes: A gift from Bones for professional sports stars who need help.
5 Massive Chiefs: An explanation of what a chief is followed by examples of the 5 biggest.
4 Most Hated Fans: Self-explanatory
3 Favorite Teams: A summary of the sad state of Bones' most loved squads.
2 Pro Bowl Brothers: A discussion of all things Manning
And Oh how I miss Chauncey: A sad tribute to all the ways Mr. Big Shot has helped the Nuggetts and all the things he has left the Pistons missing.
The previous paragraph was a long winded way of saying my blog entries are going to be more frequent, funnier (I know it doesn't seem possible) and longer (a Roman times like throwdown can now commence.) For the next 8 days I will write a blog everey day, including Christmas. The titles loosely fit they lyrics of an obscure carol. So without furthur ado Bones presents:
The 8 days of Blogness, First 4 days of Christmas listed to help you catch the tune:
12 Drummers Drumming: Unfortunately that is not all they do at Wiscosin
11Pipers Piping: Open to suggestions
10 Lords of Leapings: Think of a basketball game between 10 God Shamgod's
9 Ladies Dancing: What surrounds Bones everytime he steps out of his house
8 Hours with Bones: Dec 18 Bones will be with you every second of the day while at work (riveting)
7 Smoked Bowls: A preview and pick of the 7 best bowl games from your truly.
6 Christmas gifts for athletes: A gift from Bones for professional sports stars who need help.
5 Massive Chiefs: An explanation of what a chief is followed by examples of the 5 biggest.
4 Most Hated Fans: Self-explanatory
3 Favorite Teams: A summary of the sad state of Bones' most loved squads.
2 Pro Bowl Brothers: A discussion of all things Manning
And Oh how I miss Chauncey: A sad tribute to all the ways Mr. Big Shot has helped the Nuggetts and all the things he has left the Pistons missing.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
5 Miles in the snow uphill both ways
It is human nature to long for the days of yore. Kids in middle school long for the days when all you needed was an imagination to have fun. High school students reminisce about a simplier time when SATs, Calculus and Proactive were foreign concepts. College students yearn for a time when they could remember the night before, did not have to eat monday's hamburgers in tuesday's chilli and the SAT was the only three letter abreviation to worry about. Following college everyone longs to be back in a shared 10x12 room, drinking cheap beer, eating stuff they wouldn't currently touch and bragging that "she wasn't that bad." Ah, what a strange, preplexing race we are. Admittedly, from time to time Bones thinks about a time when there were no worries. However, when I hear senior citizens, who I greatly respect, wax nostalgic about the good old days of sports it causes me to cringe. Athletes today are simply bigger, stronger, faster and more fun to watch. Some may call me a blasphemer but the worst player today the NBA would be the best in the 50s and 60s. The following comparisons may hurt but it is time for us to all move on and embrace today.
Bill Russell is Bo Outlaw: After all you basketball purists start hyperventilating like a feminist who just heard someone insult Oprah, grab a paper bag and watch a highlight video or reel in this case. No, the players moving up and down the projector screen are not in slow motion. Those truly are Russell's opponents. No, Russell was not 7'6, he was 6'9, but everyone else on the court was under 6'6. No, it is not a Celtics exhibition against the USSR, there were unwritten rules on how many African-Americans each team could have. And no, the fast guy runnin up and down the court patting the ball like he is mad at it and throwing jump passes is not the running back from your high school gym class that had never played basketball but Bob Cousy. I am not denying that Bill Russell was an amazing athlete for his day, dealt with things that today's athletes could never dream of and was a true role model on and off the court. But if you think he could match up with the athletic freaks of today's NBA, think Russell vs. Stoudamire, you are sadly mistaken. If Russell played today he would be trading bricks with Glen Davis during garbage time helping me secure another under.
Babe Ruth is John Kruk: Luckily I am not hanging out with the crew from Sandlot. Yes, I just compared the Colosos of Clout to a mullet rocking Philly. George Herman was absolutely amazing during prohibition but those good ole' boys who claim he would hit 100 home runs in today's parks need to slow down a little. Pointing the cheap seats and delivering is a lot easier when you know an 80 mph heater or the always tricky spit ball are the only weapons the guy on the mound has in his arsenal. Bones would love to see the Sultan of Swat call his shot and then try to connect the Oak Tree he used as a bat with a Brad Lidge slider. Ruth's numbers, especially when compared to others of his era, are undoubtedly impressive but today he would be better known for being friends with John Daly than the 20 Home Runs hit each year.
Joe Namath is Chad Pennington: This is an actually an insult to Chad Pennington. "Broadway Joe" is a perfect example of how the past is overhyped. Besides correctly predicting the outcome of Super Bowl III Namath's career was subpar at best. He barely completed over 50 percent of his passes and threw 47 more interceptions than TDs. A more accurate comparison would be a combination of Gus Frerrotte's stats and Jessie Palmer's face. Do you think if Namath was a contestant on the next Bachelor any of the other ladies would stand a chance against Suzy Kolber?
Bill Russell is Bo Outlaw: After all you basketball purists start hyperventilating like a feminist who just heard someone insult Oprah, grab a paper bag and watch a highlight video or reel in this case. No, the players moving up and down the projector screen are not in slow motion. Those truly are Russell's opponents. No, Russell was not 7'6, he was 6'9, but everyone else on the court was under 6'6. No, it is not a Celtics exhibition against the USSR, there were unwritten rules on how many African-Americans each team could have. And no, the fast guy runnin up and down the court patting the ball like he is mad at it and throwing jump passes is not the running back from your high school gym class that had never played basketball but Bob Cousy. I am not denying that Bill Russell was an amazing athlete for his day, dealt with things that today's athletes could never dream of and was a true role model on and off the court. But if you think he could match up with the athletic freaks of today's NBA, think Russell vs. Stoudamire, you are sadly mistaken. If Russell played today he would be trading bricks with Glen Davis during garbage time helping me secure another under.
Babe Ruth is John Kruk: Luckily I am not hanging out with the crew from Sandlot. Yes, I just compared the Colosos of Clout to a mullet rocking Philly. George Herman was absolutely amazing during prohibition but those good ole' boys who claim he would hit 100 home runs in today's parks need to slow down a little. Pointing the cheap seats and delivering is a lot easier when you know an 80 mph heater or the always tricky spit ball are the only weapons the guy on the mound has in his arsenal. Bones would love to see the Sultan of Swat call his shot and then try to connect the Oak Tree he used as a bat with a Brad Lidge slider. Ruth's numbers, especially when compared to others of his era, are undoubtedly impressive but today he would be better known for being friends with John Daly than the 20 Home Runs hit each year.
Joe Namath is Chad Pennington: This is an actually an insult to Chad Pennington. "Broadway Joe" is a perfect example of how the past is overhyped. Besides correctly predicting the outcome of Super Bowl III Namath's career was subpar at best. He barely completed over 50 percent of his passes and threw 47 more interceptions than TDs. A more accurate comparison would be a combination of Gus Frerrotte's stats and Jessie Palmer's face. Do you think if Namath was a contestant on the next Bachelor any of the other ladies would stand a chance against Suzy Kolber?
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
FAQ's of Bones
Although Bones is not a busy man, even I cannot manage to answer the plethora of questions my loyal readers constantly bombard me with. These questions range everywhere from the practical, (Bones I heard you were Chuck Norris's stunt double for all 18 seasons of Walker Texas Ranger is this correct?- John in Albuquerque) to the personal, (Is it true you and Selma Hayek just broke up, if so you can reach me on my personnel line at 341-2### Halle B. in Hollywood) to the borderline religious, (Bones, our crops have been struggling this dry season could you bless our corn with a visit in hopes that fortunes might change? Phil in Nebraska). While the number of items in Bones' inbox is flattering I am only one man so I have decided to answer the four most frequently asked questions in hopes of appeasing the masses.
4) Bones how old are you and where do you live?
It is hard to understand why this is pertanent information for so many of my readers but if you must know it can be viewed in my extensive profile on the front page of the blog. I might as well kill two birds with one stone and let you know that yes, that is me in the picture. Paul Wall is my biological twin and it was I not he who broke into our grandmother's jewelry box, super glued her diamonds to her dentures and thus created the world's first grill. The messy family lawsuit is still pending.
3) Bones you constantly complain about your job so I am guessing you are not paid well. This being said how do you afford to travel and attend sporting events nearly every weekend?
Your guess is correct my wise readers. I pull off the difficult task of being grossly overpaid without making much money quite nicely. The answer to your actual question can be answered by referencing the movie Dennis the Menace. In the movie, which is one of the most underrated of all time, the Mitchell's are left frantically searching for an extended babysitter for Dennis when Mrs. Mitchell must go out of town for business. They call and get rejected by babysitter after babysitter until there is only one name left in the phonebook: A name that they do not want to call but must out of sheer desperation. That is the name of their dear neighbor Mr. Wilson. Many of my friends this year have been invited to parties or sporting events that they want to attend but cannot go to alone. They go through their cell phone frantically searching for a companion until there is only one name left in the phonebook: A name that they do want to call but must out of sheer desperation. That is the name of their dear friend Bones. I am Mr. Wilson.
2) Why do people call you Bones?
To be honest no one has ever referred to my as Bones in my life without the prefix skin and but I needed an alias. I doubt Samuel Langhorn Clemons' friends called him Mark Twain or Plaxico Burress' friends currently call him Harris Smith but the names, like Bones, were needed.
1) How do I cancel my payment to grillenwitgill?
My website, like every othere website in the world, will not provide a simple or practical answer to this question. You must first find the toll free number that is located in some obscure place on this blog. You then must talk to a represenative who reads from a card, talks in a monotone voice and follows every 5 minute tangent with, "Now doesn't that sound good. Why would you want to cancel?" And that is a question I doubt anyone has a good answer to.
4) Bones how old are you and where do you live?
It is hard to understand why this is pertanent information for so many of my readers but if you must know it can be viewed in my extensive profile on the front page of the blog. I might as well kill two birds with one stone and let you know that yes, that is me in the picture. Paul Wall is my biological twin and it was I not he who broke into our grandmother's jewelry box, super glued her diamonds to her dentures and thus created the world's first grill. The messy family lawsuit is still pending.
3) Bones you constantly complain about your job so I am guessing you are not paid well. This being said how do you afford to travel and attend sporting events nearly every weekend?
Your guess is correct my wise readers. I pull off the difficult task of being grossly overpaid without making much money quite nicely. The answer to your actual question can be answered by referencing the movie Dennis the Menace. In the movie, which is one of the most underrated of all time, the Mitchell's are left frantically searching for an extended babysitter for Dennis when Mrs. Mitchell must go out of town for business. They call and get rejected by babysitter after babysitter until there is only one name left in the phonebook: A name that they do not want to call but must out of sheer desperation. That is the name of their dear neighbor Mr. Wilson. Many of my friends this year have been invited to parties or sporting events that they want to attend but cannot go to alone. They go through their cell phone frantically searching for a companion until there is only one name left in the phonebook: A name that they do want to call but must out of sheer desperation. That is the name of their dear friend Bones. I am Mr. Wilson.
2) Why do people call you Bones?
To be honest no one has ever referred to my as Bones in my life without the prefix skin and but I needed an alias. I doubt Samuel Langhorn Clemons' friends called him Mark Twain or Plaxico Burress' friends currently call him Harris Smith but the names, like Bones, were needed.
1) How do I cancel my payment to grillenwitgill?
My website, like every othere website in the world, will not provide a simple or practical answer to this question. You must first find the toll free number that is located in some obscure place on this blog. You then must talk to a represenative who reads from a card, talks in a monotone voice and follows every 5 minute tangent with, "Now doesn't that sound good. Why would you want to cancel?" And that is a question I doubt anyone has a good answer to.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Zorn to be Bad?
Bones hopes everyone in the blogasphere had a happy Thanksgiving and that the amount of food eaten made up for those two horrendous football games during the day. If you must know I had a great four day break from my extremely draining and demanding job that was supposed to culminate with a glorious Sunday afternoon at FedEx field. However, what I witnessed up close and personal on Sunday was anything but glorious.
One of my college roommates (Wanz) and his wife (Marissa) have started a tradition that is second only to that of the Mistletoe. Inexplicably, for two straight years they have decided to take one of my friends (Geoff) and I (Bones) to a Redskins game on their anniversary. Last year the four of us witnessed a fourth quarter collapse at the hands on the Eagles. The sting of the loss was not nearly as painful as having to listen to those colzone inhaling chiefs chant E-A-G-L-E-S as we exited the stadium. But this was a new year. We had a police escort to the game, seats four rows up on the 40 behind the Redskins bench and a case of liquid courage as we entered the parking lot. It did not matter that it was forty degrees and raining we would not be denied. What we would not be denied of I am not entirely sure because I did not expect a Redskins victory but we would not be denied.
While walking to our seats I was thinking about what phrase I could yell over and over that would both insult Giants fans and form a banter with those supporting the Burgundy & Gold. When a man with the dimensions of Charlie Weiss walked by me wearing a Plaxico Burress jersey it hit me. Plaxico Burress just shot himself in the leg, Eminem's friend Cheddar Bob shot himself in the leg in 8 Mile. (By the way, what was up with Eminem's posse in that movie. A white go whose IQ did not approach room tempature, a guy pushing 3 bills and a dork. I just never got it. I guess that is why they shot paint ball guns and burned down old buildings for fun.) For the next 3 hours I yelled Cheddar Bob every five minutes and I have to be honest, it never got old. Even the Giants fans loved it. As we kept climbing down stairs and getting closer and closer to the players of my favorite team I just kept telling myself if they keep it close this will be the best day of my life.
As we settled into our seats, literally 30 feet from the players, I began to observe the fellow fans we would be sharing the next 3 hours with. The second most important aspect of going to a game, next to your team winning, is who you sit around. It was obvious the surrounding crowd would not equal the previous year's when we witnessed a human being rise from the dead. The man directly in front of us, who went a little to hard in pre-game warm ups, was passed out the entire first half. We referred to him as Weekend at Bernie's until, while I was trying to take advantage of a priceless Facebook moment by getting a picture with him, he suddenly regained conciousness. He preceded to grab me by my jersey, whisper "Let's Go Skins" in my ear, and cheer vehemently the entire second half. This Lazurus like performance was not repeated by anyone in our section but all in all we could not complain.
However, Bones did have complaints about what was going on the field. First off Tony Siragusa was on the field just like last year and that is the only reason I was glad the weather was so bad. When the game actually started it was obvious not even "the goose" could have helped the Skins. The Giants controlled the offensive and defensive line from the first play of the game and the 13-7 score at halftime only masked their domination. As the Oreo licking King ran out the clock, the rain poured down and I lost feeling in all apendages I experienced the hallowing feeling a sports fan has when he realizes his team is simply not that good. One of the many negative aspects of getting older is that you become more realistic as a fan. I can remember when I was a junior in high school betting 10 kids $5 each the Redskins would make the playoffs when their record was 0-5. Sadly, with a game coming up at Baltimore, Dallas playing well and 2 NFC South teams somehow sporting 9-3 records I would not make that same bet today.
One of my college roommates (Wanz) and his wife (Marissa) have started a tradition that is second only to that of the Mistletoe. Inexplicably, for two straight years they have decided to take one of my friends (Geoff) and I (Bones) to a Redskins game on their anniversary. Last year the four of us witnessed a fourth quarter collapse at the hands on the Eagles. The sting of the loss was not nearly as painful as having to listen to those colzone inhaling chiefs chant E-A-G-L-E-S as we exited the stadium. But this was a new year. We had a police escort to the game, seats four rows up on the 40 behind the Redskins bench and a case of liquid courage as we entered the parking lot. It did not matter that it was forty degrees and raining we would not be denied. What we would not be denied of I am not entirely sure because I did not expect a Redskins victory but we would not be denied.
While walking to our seats I was thinking about what phrase I could yell over and over that would both insult Giants fans and form a banter with those supporting the Burgundy & Gold. When a man with the dimensions of Charlie Weiss walked by me wearing a Plaxico Burress jersey it hit me. Plaxico Burress just shot himself in the leg, Eminem's friend Cheddar Bob shot himself in the leg in 8 Mile. (By the way, what was up with Eminem's posse in that movie. A white go whose IQ did not approach room tempature, a guy pushing 3 bills and a dork. I just never got it. I guess that is why they shot paint ball guns and burned down old buildings for fun.) For the next 3 hours I yelled Cheddar Bob every five minutes and I have to be honest, it never got old. Even the Giants fans loved it. As we kept climbing down stairs and getting closer and closer to the players of my favorite team I just kept telling myself if they keep it close this will be the best day of my life.
As we settled into our seats, literally 30 feet from the players, I began to observe the fellow fans we would be sharing the next 3 hours with. The second most important aspect of going to a game, next to your team winning, is who you sit around. It was obvious the surrounding crowd would not equal the previous year's when we witnessed a human being rise from the dead. The man directly in front of us, who went a little to hard in pre-game warm ups, was passed out the entire first half. We referred to him as Weekend at Bernie's until, while I was trying to take advantage of a priceless Facebook moment by getting a picture with him, he suddenly regained conciousness. He preceded to grab me by my jersey, whisper "Let's Go Skins" in my ear, and cheer vehemently the entire second half. This Lazurus like performance was not repeated by anyone in our section but all in all we could not complain.
However, Bones did have complaints about what was going on the field. First off Tony Siragusa was on the field just like last year and that is the only reason I was glad the weather was so bad. When the game actually started it was obvious not even "the goose" could have helped the Skins. The Giants controlled the offensive and defensive line from the first play of the game and the 13-7 score at halftime only masked their domination. As the Oreo licking King ran out the clock, the rain poured down and I lost feeling in all apendages I experienced the hallowing feeling a sports fan has when he realizes his team is simply not that good. One of the many negative aspects of getting older is that you become more realistic as a fan. I can remember when I was a junior in high school betting 10 kids $5 each the Redskins would make the playoffs when their record was 0-5. Sadly, with a game coming up at Baltimore, Dallas playing well and 2 NFC South teams somehow sporting 9-3 records I would not make that same bet today.
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