6 Christmas sports gifts

Bones' apologizes for taking the last three days off but promises to have 6 blogs done by the end of Christmas day. I sat down to type up this entry on Saturday and my girlfriend informed me if I ever attempted to blog again in her presence that I would never be in her presence again. So I continued to blog and then she took my beer and wouldn't give it back so I stopped. Yes, ladies I am sorry there is a Mrs. Bones. However, do not let that discourage you from continuing to send photos, poetry and gift cards. On with the festivities.

6) A pair of tights that fit for Brett Favre: I have never been able to figure out why the ole gunslinger is the only player in the NFL whose football pants sag down like a trash-stache sporting, South Pole wearing 8th grader's. As strange as it might be everyone in the leauge wears tights and even the kickers seem to be able to fill them out. Bones is not saying he wants to see what Favre's momma gave him I just want the man to be comfortable and save him the embarrasment of looking like he pulled a Najeh Davenport while being blitzed.

5) A congratulatory handshake for Reggie Theus: "Congratulate him for what Bones? Don't you know his just got layed off!" Simmer down and let me explain. I want to congratulate Coach, I mean Mr. Theus for pulling off the most improbable parlay of all time. "Yea right man, this past Sunday I parlayed the Raiders, Redskins, Seahawks, Bills and Chargers money lines paid out 150 to 1 probably buy a car or something with the winnings." First of all you didn't, second of all is that more impressive then going from coaching a coed high school 4 on 4 team that played on a 25 foot long court a with circular backboard to an NBA team in less than 10 years? He parlayed his "starring" role in the saturday morning classic "Hang Time" into a gig announcing Slamball. Rick Pitino was so impressed with the combination of Theu' abililties to get slow, white 6'1 coed basketball players big time D-1 scholarships and his analysis of trampoline basketball that he was able to win the third game of his parlay as an assistant for Louisville. He then parlayed that into the head job at New Mexico State and then parlayed that into the job with the Kings. The most amazing thing is Coach Theus overachieved both with the Aggies and by winning 38 games last year with a Kings roster that should have won no more than 20. However, the Maloof brothers looked away from the blackjack table and strippers long enough to see that firing coaches in the NBA was the new fad and gave Theus the undeserving axe. So here's a toast to Mr. Theus in hopes that he teams with Gus Johnson in the slam ball broadcast booth on CBS in the near future.

4) A safety for Plaxico Burress: I know that joke is obvious and overplayed. The real reason I am using one of my precious 6 gifts on the troubled wide out is to draw attention to the fact that Bill Simmons started calling him Cheddar Plax the day after I let the world know that is exactly what I yelled the entire Redskins-Giants game. Coincidence or is the "Sports Guy" stealing ideas from Bones? If you look at his NBA preview that also came out one day after mine, it is also earily similar albeit 10 times as long. I think Mr. Simmons and I need to have a talk or next year at this time I will be giving him the gift of an editor.

3) A two sided tails coin for Lions fans: I know it sounds corny but if I was a Lions fan and my team was 0-15 I really think it would help to act like Jerome Bettis had just said heads when he clearly said tails and watch the coin land tails time after time. (On another note Cyndi Lauper's timeless (no pun intended) classic Time after Time was one of the songs played at the school dance in Napolean Dynamite. I never understood what was going on in that movie. Was it set in the middle of nowhere in a place where they had not caught up with modern day clothes and music or was it set in the mid 80s. Either way I offer a decree on playing strictly 80s music and girls being forced to rock side ponytails from the day after Christmas until New Years Eve in Pedro's honor.)

2) A visit from the ghost of Christmas past and futre for Jerry Jones: No one enjoys watching the Cowboys and their puppet looking owner suffer more than your loyal narrator. (I have been wondering who Jerry Jones looks like all year and it just hit me at this very second. It is the guy who is charge of the whole operation in the movie Team America. I would give up sports for an entire year if I could here him start a postgame speech with, "Nice job men, now back to the base for debriefing and cocktails.) Anyways the ghost would take him back to when the Cowboys were a dynasty and he was actually relevant and then take him ten years into the future where his cynial ways have made sure "America's Team" has still not won a playoff game since 96', he is still coaxing the team to get TO the ball even though he retired years ago and he has shunned the suit and is wearing a cowboys warm up suit a la Al Davis.

1) A metal detector for our good friend Wade Phillips: Upon opening the gift he would look at Phyllis with that sheepish grin and say "Butter Cup, I can't wait for them to knock that daggum stadium we just closed with a loss down so I can take a looksie at the wreckage. Now go get that cowboy hat on this eggnog is making poppa bear feel a little frisky."