FAQ's of Bones

Although Bones is not a busy man, even I cannot manage to answer the plethora of questions my loyal readers constantly bombard me with. These questions range everywhere from the practical, (Bones I heard you were Chuck Norris's stunt double for all 18 seasons of Walker Texas Ranger is this correct?- John in Albuquerque) to the personal, (Is it true you and Selma Hayek just broke up, if so you can reach me on my personnel line at 341-2### Halle B. in Hollywood) to the borderline religious, (Bones, our crops have been struggling this dry season could you bless our corn with a visit in hopes that fortunes might change? Phil in Nebraska). While the number of items in Bones' inbox is flattering I am only one man so I have decided to answer the four most frequently asked questions in hopes of appeasing the masses.

4) Bones how old are you and where do you live?

It is hard to understand why this is pertanent information for so many of my readers but if you must know it can be viewed in my extensive profile on the front page of the blog. I might as well kill two birds with one stone and let you know that yes, that is me in the picture. Paul Wall is my biological twin and it was I not he who broke into our grandmother's jewelry box, super glued her diamonds to her dentures and thus created the world's first grill. The messy family lawsuit is still pending.

3) Bones you constantly complain about your job so I am guessing you are not paid well. This being said how do you afford to travel and attend sporting events nearly every weekend?

Your guess is correct my wise readers. I pull off the difficult task of being grossly overpaid without making much money quite nicely. The answer to your actual question can be answered by referencing the movie Dennis the Menace. In the movie, which is one of the most underrated of all time, the Mitchell's are left frantically searching for an extended babysitter for Dennis when Mrs. Mitchell must go out of town for business. They call and get rejected by babysitter after babysitter until there is only one name left in the phonebook: A name that they do not want to call but must out of sheer desperation. That is the name of their dear neighbor Mr. Wilson. Many of my friends this year have been invited to parties or sporting events that they want to attend but cannot go to alone. They go through their cell phone frantically searching for a companion until there is only one name left in the phonebook: A name that they do want to call but must out of sheer desperation. That is the name of their dear friend Bones. I am Mr. Wilson.

2) Why do people call you Bones?

To be honest no one has ever referred to my as Bones in my life without the prefix skin and but I needed an alias. I doubt Samuel Langhorn Clemons' friends called him Mark Twain or Plaxico Burress' friends currently call him Harris Smith but the names, like Bones, were needed.

1) How do I cancel my payment to grillenwitgill?

My website, like every othere website in the world, will not provide a simple or practical answer to this question. You must first find the toll free number that is located in some obscure place on this blog. You then must talk to a represenative who reads from a card, talks in a monotone voice and follows every 5 minute tangent with, "Now doesn't that sound good. Why would you want to cancel?" And that is a question I doubt anyone has a good answer to.