5 Biggest Chiefs

Since "Chief" is the most used word in Bones' vocabulary he has been laboring over the best way to explain it to his loyal readers for weeks. After hours of meditation, experimentation with LSD, self-inflicted torture and a vision quest your narrator was physically tougher, spiritually stronger and a huge fan of Phish but still my fingers, that ussually spin out wizadry at a 347 word per minute pace, were stagnant. Finally, it came to me in a flashback. Trey Anastasio and I were on a cloud and he extended his hand out to me in comfort. In his hand he was holding the Penguin from Billy Madison, which was holding the Gopher from CaddyShack, which was holding a fortune cookie. I opened the fortune cookie which read "Bones, Simply give examples of the five biggest Chiefs and they will understand." I ate the cookie, which tasted like Ben and Jerry's ice cream, bowed and walked to this very laptop.

5) Any guy who uses the word chief in a serious manner: Without fail when you see the sneaky hot girl from high school or college that had absolutely no personality at a party and she introduces you to her boyfriend he will shake your hand rediculously hard and say "How's it going Chief?" The irony is that he is actually the Chief. During the ensuing conversation he will also mutter statements like "The (enter political party he belongs to) are really gonna get it done this year, How about gas prices huh chief? Re-dic-u-lous, and Hows your portfolio? Insider tips are saving my ass. At this point I quote my good friend Greg Focker, "I'd say strong to quit strong," and then point right at the Herm Edwards wannabe and yell CHIIEEEFFFFFF!

4) Men that wear short shorts: As a man why would you want to show more of your body then you have to. One of the only advantages we have over the opposite sex is that we can pretty much get all the information we need about a woman's figure when she is fully clothed. On the other hand they have absolutely no idea what we have to offer unless a particular man is obese or has cartoon muscles like Joey Porter. These chiefs want to help the female species out by exposing their quads. (The entire chief for men collection is completed by those things that wrap around your neck to make sure sunglasses don't randomly fly off your face in the middle of the day, a flourescent colored sport coat, a bow tie and a dirty, fish hook covered South Carolina hat, Go Cocks!, hilarious) I want these guys to give me an actual example of this attire helping them pick up a girl. At Bones' college some males would even cut their already short shorts to furthur let everyone know they live to do squats. All I could ever do when I saw these Squanto impersonators walking towards me is pray for winter, point at the Daisy Duke wannabee and bellow a CHIIEEEEFFFFFF!

3) Males that constantly brag about sex: Bones prides himself on keeping his blog PG. However, everyone reading this has run into a clown who acts like Ron Jeremy is an amateur and these people need to be called out. This chief is a guy that you ussually barely even know. He is the friend of a friend or a casual acquaintance that you somehow end up getting stuck talking to at a party of wedding. This man is short, stocky, has earrings, frosted tips or both and is probably packing the equivalent of George Constanza after getting out of a pool downstairs. After a minute or two of time-killing conversation this chief will points at a girl and say some version of the following, "See the blonde girl over there? Yea, I got that. Thing about it was I mean it was so easy and dude, between me and you she is wild. I mean girls are always puddy when I lie about how much I volunteer but this girl, she just couldn't get enough. I brought the hammer too, quite the marathon performance but she couldn't take it anymore so I had to stop." When Bones encounters this Joe Montana past his prime impersonator he repeats exactly what the guy said to the young lady and she responds by looking across the room, pointing and yelling CHIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFF!

2) Guys at the gym who want to share their workout plans: Anyone who has ever been to a gym has come across a plethora of things people do that bothers them. The thing that bothers Bones' the most is when a chief he does not even know comes up and informs me that what I am doing is worthless and that I need to get on his workout plan. You can seemingly be enjoying a casual set of bench press when this guy pounces on you. "Man, that looked way to easy, How many reps did you get? 12? Come on Man! You're never going to get huge like that. You got to punish your pecs. Ya hear me? Punish those puppies. Heavier weight, fewer reps, that's the key. I know you want to impress the ladies and there is nothing ladies love more than nice pecs. They eat it up. Why don't you put another 45 on both sides and do 5 sets of 5, I'll spot you." When I run into this Sitting Bull impersonating fellow I run for the exit, turn around, point and yell CHIEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFF!

1) Men who write blogs.