They say that you learn something new every day but when you have a mind as astute as the one Bones possesses ‘they’ are sadly mistaken because these days are few and far between for your loyal narrator. That being said, I was told today via blackberry from a loyal reader in Anchorage, Alaska that the 12 days of Christmas actually range from December 26th until January 6th. At first I doubted the validity of this claim but it has been substantiated by Wikipedia so all debate should cease immediately.I was confused, angry and for the first time on this crazy place we call earth a bit embarrassed. Then I remembered that this is my holiday. It is not the 12 days of Christmas, it is the 8 days of Blogness and these days can range anywhere on the calendar that I so choose. Maybe in Bones’ world 8 means 10, is an entity or something only I can fully comprehend. The point (besides the fact that I have fallen helplessly behind my own set schedule) is the 8 days of Blogness is Festivus and I am Frank Constanza. Let the carol continue.
4 Most Hated Fans
Mr. Negative: There is nothing worse than going to a stadium or sports bar to watch your favorite team and being situated next to one of these chiefs. From the opening kick this guy, or in the absolute worst case scenario girl, shares his pessimistic view on his “favorite” team with the rest of the world. In the expert opinion of Captain Negative every coach is an idiot and every player is awful but the majority of the blame falls squarely on the quarterback. Every incompletion is followed by an, “I can see that you should have thrown it to the tight end from here, You Moron.” However, Bones has to agree. If you can see that the tight end was open, on the slow motion replay, with an unadultered view of the whole field how can the quarterback that is trying to avoid four 300 pound lineman and gauge what the exact location of the best athletes in the world will be when the ball arrives not see it?
The players’ best friend: It is an unwritten rule of sorts that you should not refer to a person by solely their first name unless you know them pretty well. When a fan does this not only are they giving off the impression that they have some kind of personal relationship with the guy on the field but it sounds utterly ridiculous. If you do this or do not see a problem with it imagine a Georgia fan with a southern accent telling a friend about how the Bulldogs running back won the latest Southeastern conference clash. “When we got that damn ball back with 2:34 on the clock I knew there was no daggum way Knoshown was going to let us lose. Knoshown just had that look in his eyes that he wasn’t going to let me down right before he reeled off that 60 yard TD. That’s my boy Knoshown alright.”
The fan who needs attention: This fan seems to believe that the people who paid half their weekly paycheck to witness a sporting event came to him and not phenomenal athletes on the field. This ‘zany’ fanatic tries to draw attention to himself and away from the game in a variety of ways including: painting their face, reeling one generic line after another (“get off your knees ref you blowing the game) which is followed by a high five from one of his buddies or my least favorite wearing the jersey of a team that is not playing.
Pump up the volume: I am all for both being involved in a game as a fan and standing up during appropriate situations. However, it irks Bones when he has just settled in at a game and the guy in front of him turns around, begins to raise the roof and yells, “Everybody get up, this is a huge play, the guys really need you out there!” on the second snap of the game. This practice continues throughout the entire contest and this ‘super’ fan passes off people who object as just not wanting it bad enough.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
5 Biggest Chiefs
Since "Chief" is the most used word in Bones' vocabulary he has been laboring over the best way to explain it to his loyal readers for weeks. After hours of meditation, experimentation with LSD, self-inflicted torture and a vision quest your narrator was physically tougher, spiritually stronger and a huge fan of Phish but still my fingers, that ussually spin out wizadry at a 347 word per minute pace, were stagnant. Finally, it came to me in a flashback. Trey Anastasio and I were on a cloud and he extended his hand out to me in comfort. In his hand he was holding the Penguin from Billy Madison, which was holding the Gopher from CaddyShack, which was holding a fortune cookie. I opened the fortune cookie which read "Bones, Simply give examples of the five biggest Chiefs and they will understand." I ate the cookie, which tasted like Ben and Jerry's ice cream, bowed and walked to this very laptop.
5) Any guy who uses the word chief in a serious manner: Without fail when you see the sneaky hot girl from high school or college that had absolutely no personality at a party and she introduces you to her boyfriend he will shake your hand rediculously hard and say "How's it going Chief?" The irony is that he is actually the Chief. During the ensuing conversation he will also mutter statements like "The (enter political party he belongs to) are really gonna get it done this year, How about gas prices huh chief? Re-dic-u-lous, and Hows your portfolio? Insider tips are saving my ass. At this point I quote my good friend Greg Focker, "I'd say strong to quit strong," and then point right at the Herm Edwards wannabe and yell CHIIEEEFFFFFF!
4) Men that wear short shorts: As a man why would you want to show more of your body then you have to. One of the only advantages we have over the opposite sex is that we can pretty much get all the information we need about a woman's figure when she is fully clothed. On the other hand they have absolutely no idea what we have to offer unless a particular man is obese or has cartoon muscles like Joey Porter. These chiefs want to help the female species out by exposing their quads. (The entire chief for men collection is completed by those things that wrap around your neck to make sure sunglasses don't randomly fly off your face in the middle of the day, a flourescent colored sport coat, a bow tie and a dirty, fish hook covered South Carolina hat, Go Cocks!, hilarious) I want these guys to give me an actual example of this attire helping them pick up a girl. At Bones' college some males would even cut their already short shorts to furthur let everyone know they live to do squats. All I could ever do when I saw these Squanto impersonators walking towards me is pray for winter, point at the Daisy Duke wannabee and bellow a CHIIEEEEFFFFFF!
3) Males that constantly brag about sex: Bones prides himself on keeping his blog PG. However, everyone reading this has run into a clown who acts like Ron Jeremy is an amateur and these people need to be called out. This chief is a guy that you ussually barely even know. He is the friend of a friend or a casual acquaintance that you somehow end up getting stuck talking to at a party of wedding. This man is short, stocky, has earrings, frosted tips or both and is probably packing the equivalent of George Constanza after getting out of a pool downstairs. After a minute or two of time-killing conversation this chief will points at a girl and say some version of the following, "See the blonde girl over there? Yea, I got that. Thing about it was I mean it was so easy and dude, between me and you she is wild. I mean girls are always puddy when I lie about how much I volunteer but this girl, she just couldn't get enough. I brought the hammer too, quite the marathon performance but she couldn't take it anymore so I had to stop." When Bones encounters this Joe Montana past his prime impersonator he repeats exactly what the guy said to the young lady and she responds by looking across the room, pointing and yelling CHIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFF!
2) Guys at the gym who want to share their workout plans: Anyone who has ever been to a gym has come across a plethora of things people do that bothers them. The thing that bothers Bones' the most is when a chief he does not even know comes up and informs me that what I am doing is worthless and that I need to get on his workout plan. You can seemingly be enjoying a casual set of bench press when this guy pounces on you. "Man, that looked way to easy, How many reps did you get? 12? Come on Man! You're never going to get huge like that. You got to punish your pecs. Ya hear me? Punish those puppies. Heavier weight, fewer reps, that's the key. I know you want to impress the ladies and there is nothing ladies love more than nice pecs. They eat it up. Why don't you put another 45 on both sides and do 5 sets of 5, I'll spot you." When I run into this Sitting Bull impersonating fellow I run for the exit, turn around, point and yell CHIEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFF!
1) Men who write blogs.
5) Any guy who uses the word chief in a serious manner: Without fail when you see the sneaky hot girl from high school or college that had absolutely no personality at a party and she introduces you to her boyfriend he will shake your hand rediculously hard and say "How's it going Chief?" The irony is that he is actually the Chief. During the ensuing conversation he will also mutter statements like "The (enter political party he belongs to) are really gonna get it done this year, How about gas prices huh chief? Re-dic-u-lous, and Hows your portfolio? Insider tips are saving my ass. At this point I quote my good friend Greg Focker, "I'd say strong to quit strong," and then point right at the Herm Edwards wannabe and yell CHIIEEEFFFFFF!
4) Men that wear short shorts: As a man why would you want to show more of your body then you have to. One of the only advantages we have over the opposite sex is that we can pretty much get all the information we need about a woman's figure when she is fully clothed. On the other hand they have absolutely no idea what we have to offer unless a particular man is obese or has cartoon muscles like Joey Porter. These chiefs want to help the female species out by exposing their quads. (The entire chief for men collection is completed by those things that wrap around your neck to make sure sunglasses don't randomly fly off your face in the middle of the day, a flourescent colored sport coat, a bow tie and a dirty, fish hook covered South Carolina hat, Go Cocks!, hilarious) I want these guys to give me an actual example of this attire helping them pick up a girl. At Bones' college some males would even cut their already short shorts to furthur let everyone know they live to do squats. All I could ever do when I saw these Squanto impersonators walking towards me is pray for winter, point at the Daisy Duke wannabee and bellow a CHIIEEEEFFFFFF!
3) Males that constantly brag about sex: Bones prides himself on keeping his blog PG. However, everyone reading this has run into a clown who acts like Ron Jeremy is an amateur and these people need to be called out. This chief is a guy that you ussually barely even know. He is the friend of a friend or a casual acquaintance that you somehow end up getting stuck talking to at a party of wedding. This man is short, stocky, has earrings, frosted tips or both and is probably packing the equivalent of George Constanza after getting out of a pool downstairs. After a minute or two of time-killing conversation this chief will points at a girl and say some version of the following, "See the blonde girl over there? Yea, I got that. Thing about it was I mean it was so easy and dude, between me and you she is wild. I mean girls are always puddy when I lie about how much I volunteer but this girl, she just couldn't get enough. I brought the hammer too, quite the marathon performance but she couldn't take it anymore so I had to stop." When Bones encounters this Joe Montana past his prime impersonator he repeats exactly what the guy said to the young lady and she responds by looking across the room, pointing and yelling CHIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFF!
2) Guys at the gym who want to share their workout plans: Anyone who has ever been to a gym has come across a plethora of things people do that bothers them. The thing that bothers Bones' the most is when a chief he does not even know comes up and informs me that what I am doing is worthless and that I need to get on his workout plan. You can seemingly be enjoying a casual set of bench press when this guy pounces on you. "Man, that looked way to easy, How many reps did you get? 12? Come on Man! You're never going to get huge like that. You got to punish your pecs. Ya hear me? Punish those puppies. Heavier weight, fewer reps, that's the key. I know you want to impress the ladies and there is nothing ladies love more than nice pecs. They eat it up. Why don't you put another 45 on both sides and do 5 sets of 5, I'll spot you." When I run into this Sitting Bull impersonating fellow I run for the exit, turn around, point and yell CHIEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFF!
1) Men who write blogs.
Monday, December 22, 2008
6 Christmas sports gifts
Bones' apologizes for taking the last three days off but promises to have 6 blogs done by the end of Christmas day. I sat down to type up this entry on Saturday and my girlfriend informed me if I ever attempted to blog again in her presence that I would never be in her presence again. So I continued to blog and then she took my beer and wouldn't give it back so I stopped. Yes, ladies I am sorry there is a Mrs. Bones. However, do not let that discourage you from continuing to send photos, poetry and gift cards. On with the festivities.
6) A pair of tights that fit for Brett Favre: I have never been able to figure out why the ole gunslinger is the only player in the NFL whose football pants sag down like a trash-stache sporting, South Pole wearing 8th grader's. As strange as it might be everyone in the leauge wears tights and even the kickers seem to be able to fill them out. Bones is not saying he wants to see what Favre's momma gave him I just want the man to be comfortable and save him the embarrasment of looking like he pulled a Najeh Davenport while being blitzed.
5) A congratulatory handshake for Reggie Theus: "Congratulate him for what Bones? Don't you know his just got layed off!" Simmer down and let me explain. I want to congratulate Coach, I mean Mr. Theus for pulling off the most improbable parlay of all time. "Yea right man, this past Sunday I parlayed the Raiders, Redskins, Seahawks, Bills and Chargers money lines paid out 150 to 1 probably buy a car or something with the winnings." First of all you didn't, second of all is that more impressive then going from coaching a coed high school 4 on 4 team that played on a 25 foot long court a with circular backboard to an NBA team in less than 10 years? He parlayed his "starring" role in the saturday morning classic "Hang Time" into a gig announcing Slamball. Rick Pitino was so impressed with the combination of Theu' abililties to get slow, white 6'1 coed basketball players big time D-1 scholarships and his analysis of trampoline basketball that he was able to win the third game of his parlay as an assistant for Louisville. He then parlayed that into the head job at New Mexico State and then parlayed that into the job with the Kings. The most amazing thing is Coach Theus overachieved both with the Aggies and by winning 38 games last year with a Kings roster that should have won no more than 20. However, the Maloof brothers looked away from the blackjack table and strippers long enough to see that firing coaches in the NBA was the new fad and gave Theus the undeserving axe. So here's a toast to Mr. Theus in hopes that he teams with Gus Johnson in the slam ball broadcast booth on CBS in the near future.
4) A safety for Plaxico Burress: I know that joke is obvious and overplayed. The real reason I am using one of my precious 6 gifts on the troubled wide out is to draw attention to the fact that Bill Simmons started calling him Cheddar Plax the day after I let the world know that is exactly what I yelled the entire Redskins-Giants game. Coincidence or is the "Sports Guy" stealing ideas from Bones? If you look at his NBA preview that also came out one day after mine, it is also earily similar albeit 10 times as long. I think Mr. Simmons and I need to have a talk or next year at this time I will be giving him the gift of an editor.
3) A two sided tails coin for Lions fans: I know it sounds corny but if I was a Lions fan and my team was 0-15 I really think it would help to act like Jerome Bettis had just said heads when he clearly said tails and watch the coin land tails time after time. (On another note Cyndi Lauper's timeless (no pun intended) classic Time after Time was one of the songs played at the school dance in Napolean Dynamite. I never understood what was going on in that movie. Was it set in the middle of nowhere in a place where they had not caught up with modern day clothes and music or was it set in the mid 80s. Either way I offer a decree on playing strictly 80s music and girls being forced to rock side ponytails from the day after Christmas until New Years Eve in Pedro's honor.)
2) A visit from the ghost of Christmas past and futre for Jerry Jones: No one enjoys watching the Cowboys and their puppet looking owner suffer more than your loyal narrator. (I have been wondering who Jerry Jones looks like all year and it just hit me at this very second. It is the guy who is charge of the whole operation in the movie Team America. I would give up sports for an entire year if I could here him start a postgame speech with, "Nice job men, now back to the base for debriefing and cocktails.) Anyways the ghost would take him back to when the Cowboys were a dynasty and he was actually relevant and then take him ten years into the future where his cynial ways have made sure "America's Team" has still not won a playoff game since 96', he is still coaxing the team to get TO the ball even though he retired years ago and he has shunned the suit and is wearing a cowboys warm up suit a la Al Davis.
1) A metal detector for our good friend Wade Phillips: Upon opening the gift he would look at Phyllis with that sheepish grin and say "Butter Cup, I can't wait for them to knock that daggum stadium we just closed with a loss down so I can take a looksie at the wreckage. Now go get that cowboy hat on this eggnog is making poppa bear feel a little frisky."
6) A pair of tights that fit for Brett Favre: I have never been able to figure out why the ole gunslinger is the only player in the NFL whose football pants sag down like a trash-stache sporting, South Pole wearing 8th grader's. As strange as it might be everyone in the leauge wears tights and even the kickers seem to be able to fill them out. Bones is not saying he wants to see what Favre's momma gave him I just want the man to be comfortable and save him the embarrasment of looking like he pulled a Najeh Davenport while being blitzed.
5) A congratulatory handshake for Reggie Theus: "Congratulate him for what Bones? Don't you know his just got layed off!" Simmer down and let me explain. I want to congratulate Coach, I mean Mr. Theus for pulling off the most improbable parlay of all time. "Yea right man, this past Sunday I parlayed the Raiders, Redskins, Seahawks, Bills and Chargers money lines paid out 150 to 1 probably buy a car or something with the winnings." First of all you didn't, second of all is that more impressive then going from coaching a coed high school 4 on 4 team that played on a 25 foot long court a with circular backboard to an NBA team in less than 10 years? He parlayed his "starring" role in the saturday morning classic "Hang Time" into a gig announcing Slamball. Rick Pitino was so impressed with the combination of Theu' abililties to get slow, white 6'1 coed basketball players big time D-1 scholarships and his analysis of trampoline basketball that he was able to win the third game of his parlay as an assistant for Louisville. He then parlayed that into the head job at New Mexico State and then parlayed that into the job with the Kings. The most amazing thing is Coach Theus overachieved both with the Aggies and by winning 38 games last year with a Kings roster that should have won no more than 20. However, the Maloof brothers looked away from the blackjack table and strippers long enough to see that firing coaches in the NBA was the new fad and gave Theus the undeserving axe. So here's a toast to Mr. Theus in hopes that he teams with Gus Johnson in the slam ball broadcast booth on CBS in the near future.
4) A safety for Plaxico Burress: I know that joke is obvious and overplayed. The real reason I am using one of my precious 6 gifts on the troubled wide out is to draw attention to the fact that Bill Simmons started calling him Cheddar Plax the day after I let the world know that is exactly what I yelled the entire Redskins-Giants game. Coincidence or is the "Sports Guy" stealing ideas from Bones? If you look at his NBA preview that also came out one day after mine, it is also earily similar albeit 10 times as long. I think Mr. Simmons and I need to have a talk or next year at this time I will be giving him the gift of an editor.
3) A two sided tails coin for Lions fans: I know it sounds corny but if I was a Lions fan and my team was 0-15 I really think it would help to act like Jerome Bettis had just said heads when he clearly said tails and watch the coin land tails time after time. (On another note Cyndi Lauper's timeless (no pun intended) classic Time after Time was one of the songs played at the school dance in Napolean Dynamite. I never understood what was going on in that movie. Was it set in the middle of nowhere in a place where they had not caught up with modern day clothes and music or was it set in the mid 80s. Either way I offer a decree on playing strictly 80s music and girls being forced to rock side ponytails from the day after Christmas until New Years Eve in Pedro's honor.)
2) A visit from the ghost of Christmas past and futre for Jerry Jones: No one enjoys watching the Cowboys and their puppet looking owner suffer more than your loyal narrator. (I have been wondering who Jerry Jones looks like all year and it just hit me at this very second. It is the guy who is charge of the whole operation in the movie Team America. I would give up sports for an entire year if I could here him start a postgame speech with, "Nice job men, now back to the base for debriefing and cocktails.) Anyways the ghost would take him back to when the Cowboys were a dynasty and he was actually relevant and then take him ten years into the future where his cynial ways have made sure "America's Team" has still not won a playoff game since 96', he is still coaxing the team to get TO the ball even though he retired years ago and he has shunned the suit and is wearing a cowboys warm up suit a la Al Davis.
1) A metal detector for our good friend Wade Phillips: Upon opening the gift he would look at Phyllis with that sheepish grin and say "Butter Cup, I can't wait for them to knock that daggum stadium we just closed with a loss down so I can take a looksie at the wreckage. Now go get that cowboy hat on this eggnog is making poppa bear feel a little frisky."
Friday, December 19, 2008
7 Smoked Bowls
I know this is going the opposite direction of the Twelve Days of Christmas carol but I think it makes way more sense. The male character in this carol, known to us only as true love, is undoubtedly a generous fellow but he has the idea of gift giving completely backwards. You are supposed to give small gifts like socks, Starbucks gift certificates and Lions tickets first and then finish off with a bang. This overanxious amatuer comes right out and gives his lady a Partridge bearing Pear Tree. How can a fruit bearing tree that magically is able to make patridges stay inside its warm confines be topped? The answer is it cannot. The gifts on the ensuing days were simply forced seperation from his ladies time with the great tree. Bones will not make the same mistake as our giving but confused friend. The eight hours with Bones was simply an appetizer intended to tease my loyal followers and make the growling in their stomach even louder. I hope to get better and better each day and hope to give out a blog on Christmas that can be compared to that moment as a child when you think you have opened all your presents and your parents tell you their is a suprise in the garage. The feeling of opening the door and seeing a bike, fooseball table or in Bones' case, having your dad rent Anna Kournikova for a day is impossible to re-enact but I will try my best.
On the seventh day of Christmas Bones gave to me: 7 smoked bowls
(A daring return of the Travis Locks of the Week) YTD 24-22-2
December 23rd Poinsetta Bowl
TCU -2.5 over Boise State) Has anyone else noticed that Boise State's 10th year senior running back, Ian Johnson's, marriage is never mentioned. It was the story of the year after the proposal so where are the updates on the happy family life? The video clips of Johnson and his wife shunning juvenile collegiate activites and living for one another. I am guessing, but not rooting, that like most decisions during a heightened state of emotion it was one Mr. Johnson wishes he could have back. Call me crazy but the last thing Bones would be thinking after scoring a BCS game-winning TD to become the only person a normal citizen in the United States can name that lives in Idaho would be, where is my girlfriend I need to get engaged? One could argue Boise State has gone to running back by committee because the Broncos running back has hit the wall most great backs do at age 30 but Bones thinks Johnson is to busy editing the end of that play to concentrate on current games. The demise of the Broncos legend combined with the Horned Frogs defense will lead to an easy TCU victory. TCU 35, Boise State 14.
December 24th Aloha Bowl
Hawaii -1.5 over Notre Dame) Bones cannot wait to catch a glimpse Charlie Weiss wearing a Lei. Hawaii will win this game for two reasons: They are the better team and while Hawaii does not have any Rainbow Warriors on their roster there are quite a few Irish players on Notre Dame, and as has been true since the beginning of time, the sun and cheap booze will spell their demise. Hawaii 27, Notre Dame 17.
December 3oth Holiday Bowl
Oregon plus 3 over Oklahoma State) Bones really has no idea who will win but had to pick someone in what could be the most enertaining bowl game this year. I would not be suprised if the combined score in the game reached triple digits and I cannot wait to be a witness. Touchdowns scored will only be outnumbered by the ammount of times Bones yells, "I am a man, I'm 40," during the telecast. Oregon 71, Oklahoma State 67.
January 2nd Cotton Bowl
Texas Tech -4.5 over Mississippi) It is hard for me to believe that the name of the eccentric, pirate loving genius that diagrams the Red Raiders attack name is Mike. Guys like that are just never named Mike. If I had to come up three guesses of what his real first name is I would probably go with Albert, Dexter and Fred. This being said I think the arm of Graham Harrell, the legs of Michael Crabtree and the mind of Dexter Leach will simply be to much for Coach Nutt and the Rebels. Texas Tech 52, Ole Miss 38.
January 3rd Sugar Bowl
On the seventh day of Christmas Bones gave to me: 7 smoked bowls
(A daring return of the Travis Locks of the Week) YTD 24-22-2
December 23rd Poinsetta Bowl
TCU -2.5 over Boise State) Has anyone else noticed that Boise State's 10th year senior running back, Ian Johnson's, marriage is never mentioned. It was the story of the year after the proposal so where are the updates on the happy family life? The video clips of Johnson and his wife shunning juvenile collegiate activites and living for one another. I am guessing, but not rooting, that like most decisions during a heightened state of emotion it was one Mr. Johnson wishes he could have back. Call me crazy but the last thing Bones would be thinking after scoring a BCS game-winning TD to become the only person a normal citizen in the United States can name that lives in Idaho would be, where is my girlfriend I need to get engaged? One could argue Boise State has gone to running back by committee because the Broncos running back has hit the wall most great backs do at age 30 but Bones thinks Johnson is to busy editing the end of that play to concentrate on current games. The demise of the Broncos legend combined with the Horned Frogs defense will lead to an easy TCU victory. TCU 35, Boise State 14.
December 24th Aloha Bowl
Hawaii -1.5 over Notre Dame) Bones cannot wait to catch a glimpse Charlie Weiss wearing a Lei. Hawaii will win this game for two reasons: They are the better team and while Hawaii does not have any Rainbow Warriors on their roster there are quite a few Irish players on Notre Dame, and as has been true since the beginning of time, the sun and cheap booze will spell their demise. Hawaii 27, Notre Dame 17.
December 3oth Holiday Bowl
Oregon plus 3 over Oklahoma State) Bones really has no idea who will win but had to pick someone in what could be the most enertaining bowl game this year. I would not be suprised if the combined score in the game reached triple digits and I cannot wait to be a witness. Touchdowns scored will only be outnumbered by the ammount of times Bones yells, "I am a man, I'm 40," during the telecast. Oregon 71, Oklahoma State 67.
January 2nd Cotton Bowl
Texas Tech -4.5 over Mississippi) It is hard for me to believe that the name of the eccentric, pirate loving genius that diagrams the Red Raiders attack name is Mike. Guys like that are just never named Mike. If I had to come up three guesses of what his real first name is I would probably go with Albert, Dexter and Fred. This being said I think the arm of Graham Harrell, the legs of Michael Crabtree and the mind of Dexter Leach will simply be to much for Coach Nutt and the Rebels. Texas Tech 52, Ole Miss 38.
January 3rd Sugar Bowl
Alabama -10 over Utah) I can hear Saban's pre-game speech now. Men, we are big, young, fast and free. They are small, balding, slow and married! Bones believes Alabama's offensive game plan will go something like this, Coffee up the middle for 8 yards, the brother of the guy from two-a-days play action to Jones for 20, repeat. Alabama 34, Utah 10.
January 5th Fiesta Bowl
Texas -8.5 over Ohio State) Colt McCoy. ooooh say it again. Colt McCoy ooooh say it again. Colt McCoy ooooh say it again. Yes, I just made a reference to a heyanna with the voice of Whoopi Goldberg in my blog. Anyways, McCoy is a tiny bit better than Terrell Pryor and we have seen this story before. I propose that Ohio State players have to start with negative Buckeyes on their helmet depending on how many points they lose by in the previous years' BCS contest. Texas 41, Ohio State 24.
January 8th BCS Championship
Florida -3 over Oklahoma) I have made the mistake of picking against Tebow and his Gators far too many times already.
Tune in tommorrow as the festivities continue
Thursday, December 18, 2008
8 Hours with Bones
On the 8th day of Blogness Bones gave to me, 8 Hours with Bones:
As promised you will be able to follow your loyal narrator every step of the day. Never again will you be performing data entry, taking a client out to lunch or trying to muster up the courage to ask the secretary to go to the company Christmas party as a couple and wonder, "What is Bones doing right now?" Remember what I do on December 18, 2008 (which will be known as "No Bones about it" day from now on and probably will rival Christmas as the countries biggest commercial holiday in years to come) is the same exact thing I do everyday, it never changes. Without furthur ado.
8:32: I stroll into work exactly 2 minutes late everyday. If I leave the house at 8:07 I either hit traffic or not have exact change (why do people in toll booths act suprised when you give them a dollar? You would think they would have the right ammount of change ready since it it is always the same. Maybe the price of tolls is like the stock market. The sign says 70c because that is what the market is set at each day. It fluctuates up and down and they have to check it in case it changes but by some miracle the value always stays above 69.50 and below 70.50.) or hit traffic and get here at 8:32. If I leave at 8:15 and I am worried about being painfully late there is no traffic to speak of, I have exact change and I still get here at 8:32. My New Year's resolution is to be ready at 8:07 everyday, then do 8 minute abs and leave at 8:15. This will not only save those sometimes wasted 8 minutes but also keep my abs looking like White Goodman's and thus reward the ladies.
10:01: For the last hour and a half my day has gone like this, check personal e-mail, fantasy football, e-mail, facebook, e-mail, fantasy football, facebook, e-mail, the insideslant.com, e-mail, facebook, espn.com, e-mail, answer phone, mail 1 count that 1 check, e-mail, facebook, grillenwitgill.blogspot.com. Their is no method to my madness I just do not know what else to do. The sad thing is that my fantasy football season ended last week. Another unfortunate thing about today is there are only 2 NBA games. I ussually read the summaries for the 8-12 games that night then decide which 2 or 3 I want to wager a George Washington or Abe Lincoln on depending on confidence. I am 10-1 the last 2 nights, which has never and will happen again, and have netted almost enough cash to go for the combo meal over the dollar menu today at lunch. Ok, it looks as if I have to go. There is another check to mail and Cowherd is about to start. Wait, he is out of town! Noooooooooooooooooo.
11:12: I just hit pause on the latest Bill Simmons podcast to inform you that one of my friends from high school, Brammer, (who is a clone of Landon Donovan, seriously a clone, I always tell him if he did nothing but squats and calf raises for six months he could move to LA and never pay for a beer or be without female companionship until Donovan is irrelavant) just wrote me a text which read as follows: "Are you seriously keeping a running blog of your day? I am always devastated when Cowherd goes on vacation too." This means that there is at least one more person reading this then I thought was possible. Is there anyone else out there? Aight, back to Simmons, filling in a spreadsheet with numbers that symbolize nothing, and perfecting the art of minimization.
12:37: It is at this time a day when I am faced with the most difficult decision I have to make while at work. Since, How will I help the company today? Where can I obtain the latest leads? and What is my motivation now that I have reached my monthly goal? do no not apply to Bones the question of, When should I go to lunch?, is the only one I must tackle with analytical vigor. I get one hour a day and can take it whenever I so choose. I ussually shun the supposed most important meal of the day known as breakfast so by noon my stomach is begging me to sample the rediculous collection of snacks kept at the office. This is when I remind my stomach that if it wants to continue to be used as a washboard sun chips, cool ranch dorritos, classic lays and funions will not suffice. However, I cannot go to lunch at noon, my day would never end. For some reason when I get back from lunch time creeps to a pace that would have even the Slowskeys begging for DSL. When I first started here I was weak sometimes appeasing my hunger at 1 pm or even earlier. However, after intense training and reading Phil Jackson's Long Stange Journey I can ussually ignore weakness until around 1:45. My personal record is 3:07. Today the goal is a lofty 2:06, wish me luck!
3:27: I was able to hold off on going to lunch until an impressive 2:21. Ah, the power of imagination. I accomplished this incredible feat by pretending I was eating dinner with Robin Williams and the Lost Boys in Hook. I simply got out a bowl, closed my eyes and shoveled pile after pile of vibrant colored, Gak (obscure Nickolodean reference) textured goodness into my mouth. When I snapped out of my day dream I was swinging on a rope from the second floor, while throwing a purple gob of satisfaction at my boss and screaming bangarang. When asked what I thought I was doing I simply replied, "Roooooooffffffffiiiiioooooooo" and walked out to my car for lunch.
5:17: As a second Sports guy Podcast and another longer than imaginable day come to a close I want to thank you for your rabid participation and provide you with a tally of the days events.
23 views of ESPN.com
20 sent e-mails
17 personnal e-mail checks
11 visits to facebook
6 blog posts
5 bank account checks (in case I bought something subconciously)
2 Simmons Podcasts
1 trip to never never land
Thanks again for the support and see you tommorrow as the festivities continue.
As promised you will be able to follow your loyal narrator every step of the day. Never again will you be performing data entry, taking a client out to lunch or trying to muster up the courage to ask the secretary to go to the company Christmas party as a couple and wonder, "What is Bones doing right now?" Remember what I do on December 18, 2008 (which will be known as "No Bones about it" day from now on and probably will rival Christmas as the countries biggest commercial holiday in years to come) is the same exact thing I do everyday, it never changes. Without furthur ado.
8:32: I stroll into work exactly 2 minutes late everyday. If I leave the house at 8:07 I either hit traffic or not have exact change (why do people in toll booths act suprised when you give them a dollar? You would think they would have the right ammount of change ready since it it is always the same. Maybe the price of tolls is like the stock market. The sign says 70c because that is what the market is set at each day. It fluctuates up and down and they have to check it in case it changes but by some miracle the value always stays above 69.50 and below 70.50.) or hit traffic and get here at 8:32. If I leave at 8:15 and I am worried about being painfully late there is no traffic to speak of, I have exact change and I still get here at 8:32. My New Year's resolution is to be ready at 8:07 everyday, then do 8 minute abs and leave at 8:15. This will not only save those sometimes wasted 8 minutes but also keep my abs looking like White Goodman's and thus reward the ladies.
10:01: For the last hour and a half my day has gone like this, check personal e-mail, fantasy football, e-mail, facebook, e-mail, fantasy football, facebook, e-mail, the insideslant.com, e-mail, facebook, espn.com, e-mail, answer phone, mail 1 count that 1 check, e-mail, facebook, grillenwitgill.blogspot.com. Their is no method to my madness I just do not know what else to do. The sad thing is that my fantasy football season ended last week. Another unfortunate thing about today is there are only 2 NBA games. I ussually read the summaries for the 8-12 games that night then decide which 2 or 3 I want to wager a George Washington or Abe Lincoln on depending on confidence. I am 10-1 the last 2 nights, which has never and will happen again, and have netted almost enough cash to go for the combo meal over the dollar menu today at lunch. Ok, it looks as if I have to go. There is another check to mail and Cowherd is about to start. Wait, he is out of town! Noooooooooooooooooo.
11:12: I just hit pause on the latest Bill Simmons podcast to inform you that one of my friends from high school, Brammer, (who is a clone of Landon Donovan, seriously a clone, I always tell him if he did nothing but squats and calf raises for six months he could move to LA and never pay for a beer or be without female companionship until Donovan is irrelavant) just wrote me a text which read as follows: "Are you seriously keeping a running blog of your day? I am always devastated when Cowherd goes on vacation too." This means that there is at least one more person reading this then I thought was possible. Is there anyone else out there? Aight, back to Simmons, filling in a spreadsheet with numbers that symbolize nothing, and perfecting the art of minimization.
12:37: It is at this time a day when I am faced with the most difficult decision I have to make while at work. Since, How will I help the company today? Where can I obtain the latest leads? and What is my motivation now that I have reached my monthly goal? do no not apply to Bones the question of, When should I go to lunch?, is the only one I must tackle with analytical vigor. I get one hour a day and can take it whenever I so choose. I ussually shun the supposed most important meal of the day known as breakfast so by noon my stomach is begging me to sample the rediculous collection of snacks kept at the office. This is when I remind my stomach that if it wants to continue to be used as a washboard sun chips, cool ranch dorritos, classic lays and funions will not suffice. However, I cannot go to lunch at noon, my day would never end. For some reason when I get back from lunch time creeps to a pace that would have even the Slowskeys begging for DSL. When I first started here I was weak sometimes appeasing my hunger at 1 pm or even earlier. However, after intense training and reading Phil Jackson's Long Stange Journey I can ussually ignore weakness until around 1:45. My personal record is 3:07. Today the goal is a lofty 2:06, wish me luck!
3:27: I was able to hold off on going to lunch until an impressive 2:21. Ah, the power of imagination. I accomplished this incredible feat by pretending I was eating dinner with Robin Williams and the Lost Boys in Hook. I simply got out a bowl, closed my eyes and shoveled pile after pile of vibrant colored, Gak (obscure Nickolodean reference) textured goodness into my mouth. When I snapped out of my day dream I was swinging on a rope from the second floor, while throwing a purple gob of satisfaction at my boss and screaming bangarang. When asked what I thought I was doing I simply replied, "Roooooooffffffffiiiiioooooooo" and walked out to my car for lunch.
5:17: As a second Sports guy Podcast and another longer than imaginable day come to a close I want to thank you for your rabid participation and provide you with a tally of the days events.
23 views of ESPN.com
20 sent e-mails
17 personnal e-mail checks
11 visits to facebook
6 blog posts
5 bank account checks (in case I bought something subconciously)
2 Simmons Podcasts
1 trip to never never land
Thanks again for the support and see you tommorrow as the festivities continue.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
8 DAYS OF BLOGNESS
"That title is not clever at all and it's the 12 days of Christmas you moron!" To those of you who just yelled that at your computer let me say three things. One, you just yelled at a computer, two I couldn't think of anything containing the words blog, Bones or grillenwitgill that was any better and three this is Bones Christman gift so be greatful. For someone who has claimed to your loyal narrator at least once, I have not been very loyal lately. The fact that my boss has not left the office for a month and that until now I was not willing to blog on my own time has led to the number of e-mails in my inbox demanding more entries slightly outnumbering the number of e-mails offering ways to make millions working at home (never apply for a job on craigslist). I am losing readers by the thousands and the sponsors that funnel millions into this site gave me quite a tongue lashing during a conference call last night. I could have pulled an Oscar De La Hoya and refused to get out of the corner after a verbal beating like that but I instead choose to take the approach of Lions coach Rod Marinelli. I may have gone 0-14 over the last month but "my shovel is sharp and my will is outstanding" as we head into the Christmas season.
The previous paragraph was a long winded way of saying my blog entries are going to be more frequent, funnier (I know it doesn't seem possible) and longer (a Roman times like throwdown can now commence.) For the next 8 days I will write a blog everey day, including Christmas. The titles loosely fit they lyrics of an obscure carol. So without furthur ado Bones presents:
The 8 days of Blogness, First 4 days of Christmas listed to help you catch the tune:
12 Drummers Drumming: Unfortunately that is not all they do at Wiscosin
11Pipers Piping: Open to suggestions
10 Lords of Leapings: Think of a basketball game between 10 God Shamgod's
9 Ladies Dancing: What surrounds Bones everytime he steps out of his house
8 Hours with Bones: Dec 18 Bones will be with you every second of the day while at work (riveting)
7 Smoked Bowls: A preview and pick of the 7 best bowl games from your truly.
6 Christmas gifts for athletes: A gift from Bones for professional sports stars who need help.
5 Massive Chiefs: An explanation of what a chief is followed by examples of the 5 biggest.
4 Most Hated Fans: Self-explanatory
3 Favorite Teams: A summary of the sad state of Bones' most loved squads.
2 Pro Bowl Brothers: A discussion of all things Manning
And Oh how I miss Chauncey: A sad tribute to all the ways Mr. Big Shot has helped the Nuggetts and all the things he has left the Pistons missing.
The previous paragraph was a long winded way of saying my blog entries are going to be more frequent, funnier (I know it doesn't seem possible) and longer (a Roman times like throwdown can now commence.) For the next 8 days I will write a blog everey day, including Christmas. The titles loosely fit they lyrics of an obscure carol. So without furthur ado Bones presents:
The 8 days of Blogness, First 4 days of Christmas listed to help you catch the tune:
12 Drummers Drumming: Unfortunately that is not all they do at Wiscosin
11Pipers Piping: Open to suggestions
10 Lords of Leapings: Think of a basketball game between 10 God Shamgod's
9 Ladies Dancing: What surrounds Bones everytime he steps out of his house
8 Hours with Bones: Dec 18 Bones will be with you every second of the day while at work (riveting)
7 Smoked Bowls: A preview and pick of the 7 best bowl games from your truly.
6 Christmas gifts for athletes: A gift from Bones for professional sports stars who need help.
5 Massive Chiefs: An explanation of what a chief is followed by examples of the 5 biggest.
4 Most Hated Fans: Self-explanatory
3 Favorite Teams: A summary of the sad state of Bones' most loved squads.
2 Pro Bowl Brothers: A discussion of all things Manning
And Oh how I miss Chauncey: A sad tribute to all the ways Mr. Big Shot has helped the Nuggetts and all the things he has left the Pistons missing.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
5 Miles in the snow uphill both ways
It is human nature to long for the days of yore. Kids in middle school long for the days when all you needed was an imagination to have fun. High school students reminisce about a simplier time when SATs, Calculus and Proactive were foreign concepts. College students yearn for a time when they could remember the night before, did not have to eat monday's hamburgers in tuesday's chilli and the SAT was the only three letter abreviation to worry about. Following college everyone longs to be back in a shared 10x12 room, drinking cheap beer, eating stuff they wouldn't currently touch and bragging that "she wasn't that bad." Ah, what a strange, preplexing race we are. Admittedly, from time to time Bones thinks about a time when there were no worries. However, when I hear senior citizens, who I greatly respect, wax nostalgic about the good old days of sports it causes me to cringe. Athletes today are simply bigger, stronger, faster and more fun to watch. Some may call me a blasphemer but the worst player today the NBA would be the best in the 50s and 60s. The following comparisons may hurt but it is time for us to all move on and embrace today.
Bill Russell is Bo Outlaw: After all you basketball purists start hyperventilating like a feminist who just heard someone insult Oprah, grab a paper bag and watch a highlight video or reel in this case. No, the players moving up and down the projector screen are not in slow motion. Those truly are Russell's opponents. No, Russell was not 7'6, he was 6'9, but everyone else on the court was under 6'6. No, it is not a Celtics exhibition against the USSR, there were unwritten rules on how many African-Americans each team could have. And no, the fast guy runnin up and down the court patting the ball like he is mad at it and throwing jump passes is not the running back from your high school gym class that had never played basketball but Bob Cousy. I am not denying that Bill Russell was an amazing athlete for his day, dealt with things that today's athletes could never dream of and was a true role model on and off the court. But if you think he could match up with the athletic freaks of today's NBA, think Russell vs. Stoudamire, you are sadly mistaken. If Russell played today he would be trading bricks with Glen Davis during garbage time helping me secure another under.
Babe Ruth is John Kruk: Luckily I am not hanging out with the crew from Sandlot. Yes, I just compared the Colosos of Clout to a mullet rocking Philly. George Herman was absolutely amazing during prohibition but those good ole' boys who claim he would hit 100 home runs in today's parks need to slow down a little. Pointing the cheap seats and delivering is a lot easier when you know an 80 mph heater or the always tricky spit ball are the only weapons the guy on the mound has in his arsenal. Bones would love to see the Sultan of Swat call his shot and then try to connect the Oak Tree he used as a bat with a Brad Lidge slider. Ruth's numbers, especially when compared to others of his era, are undoubtedly impressive but today he would be better known for being friends with John Daly than the 20 Home Runs hit each year.
Joe Namath is Chad Pennington: This is an actually an insult to Chad Pennington. "Broadway Joe" is a perfect example of how the past is overhyped. Besides correctly predicting the outcome of Super Bowl III Namath's career was subpar at best. He barely completed over 50 percent of his passes and threw 47 more interceptions than TDs. A more accurate comparison would be a combination of Gus Frerrotte's stats and Jessie Palmer's face. Do you think if Namath was a contestant on the next Bachelor any of the other ladies would stand a chance against Suzy Kolber?
Bill Russell is Bo Outlaw: After all you basketball purists start hyperventilating like a feminist who just heard someone insult Oprah, grab a paper bag and watch a highlight video or reel in this case. No, the players moving up and down the projector screen are not in slow motion. Those truly are Russell's opponents. No, Russell was not 7'6, he was 6'9, but everyone else on the court was under 6'6. No, it is not a Celtics exhibition against the USSR, there were unwritten rules on how many African-Americans each team could have. And no, the fast guy runnin up and down the court patting the ball like he is mad at it and throwing jump passes is not the running back from your high school gym class that had never played basketball but Bob Cousy. I am not denying that Bill Russell was an amazing athlete for his day, dealt with things that today's athletes could never dream of and was a true role model on and off the court. But if you think he could match up with the athletic freaks of today's NBA, think Russell vs. Stoudamire, you are sadly mistaken. If Russell played today he would be trading bricks with Glen Davis during garbage time helping me secure another under.
Babe Ruth is John Kruk: Luckily I am not hanging out with the crew from Sandlot. Yes, I just compared the Colosos of Clout to a mullet rocking Philly. George Herman was absolutely amazing during prohibition but those good ole' boys who claim he would hit 100 home runs in today's parks need to slow down a little. Pointing the cheap seats and delivering is a lot easier when you know an 80 mph heater or the always tricky spit ball are the only weapons the guy on the mound has in his arsenal. Bones would love to see the Sultan of Swat call his shot and then try to connect the Oak Tree he used as a bat with a Brad Lidge slider. Ruth's numbers, especially when compared to others of his era, are undoubtedly impressive but today he would be better known for being friends with John Daly than the 20 Home Runs hit each year.
Joe Namath is Chad Pennington: This is an actually an insult to Chad Pennington. "Broadway Joe" is a perfect example of how the past is overhyped. Besides correctly predicting the outcome of Super Bowl III Namath's career was subpar at best. He barely completed over 50 percent of his passes and threw 47 more interceptions than TDs. A more accurate comparison would be a combination of Gus Frerrotte's stats and Jessie Palmer's face. Do you think if Namath was a contestant on the next Bachelor any of the other ladies would stand a chance against Suzy Kolber?
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
FAQ's of Bones
Although Bones is not a busy man, even I cannot manage to answer the plethora of questions my loyal readers constantly bombard me with. These questions range everywhere from the practical, (Bones I heard you were Chuck Norris's stunt double for all 18 seasons of Walker Texas Ranger is this correct?- John in Albuquerque) to the personal, (Is it true you and Selma Hayek just broke up, if so you can reach me on my personnel line at 341-2### Halle B. in Hollywood) to the borderline religious, (Bones, our crops have been struggling this dry season could you bless our corn with a visit in hopes that fortunes might change? Phil in Nebraska). While the number of items in Bones' inbox is flattering I am only one man so I have decided to answer the four most frequently asked questions in hopes of appeasing the masses.
4) Bones how old are you and where do you live?
It is hard to understand why this is pertanent information for so many of my readers but if you must know it can be viewed in my extensive profile on the front page of the blog. I might as well kill two birds with one stone and let you know that yes, that is me in the picture. Paul Wall is my biological twin and it was I not he who broke into our grandmother's jewelry box, super glued her diamonds to her dentures and thus created the world's first grill. The messy family lawsuit is still pending.
3) Bones you constantly complain about your job so I am guessing you are not paid well. This being said how do you afford to travel and attend sporting events nearly every weekend?
Your guess is correct my wise readers. I pull off the difficult task of being grossly overpaid without making much money quite nicely. The answer to your actual question can be answered by referencing the movie Dennis the Menace. In the movie, which is one of the most underrated of all time, the Mitchell's are left frantically searching for an extended babysitter for Dennis when Mrs. Mitchell must go out of town for business. They call and get rejected by babysitter after babysitter until there is only one name left in the phonebook: A name that they do not want to call but must out of sheer desperation. That is the name of their dear neighbor Mr. Wilson. Many of my friends this year have been invited to parties or sporting events that they want to attend but cannot go to alone. They go through their cell phone frantically searching for a companion until there is only one name left in the phonebook: A name that they do want to call but must out of sheer desperation. That is the name of their dear friend Bones. I am Mr. Wilson.
2) Why do people call you Bones?
To be honest no one has ever referred to my as Bones in my life without the prefix skin and but I needed an alias. I doubt Samuel Langhorn Clemons' friends called him Mark Twain or Plaxico Burress' friends currently call him Harris Smith but the names, like Bones, were needed.
1) How do I cancel my payment to grillenwitgill?
My website, like every othere website in the world, will not provide a simple or practical answer to this question. You must first find the toll free number that is located in some obscure place on this blog. You then must talk to a represenative who reads from a card, talks in a monotone voice and follows every 5 minute tangent with, "Now doesn't that sound good. Why would you want to cancel?" And that is a question I doubt anyone has a good answer to.
4) Bones how old are you and where do you live?
It is hard to understand why this is pertanent information for so many of my readers but if you must know it can be viewed in my extensive profile on the front page of the blog. I might as well kill two birds with one stone and let you know that yes, that is me in the picture. Paul Wall is my biological twin and it was I not he who broke into our grandmother's jewelry box, super glued her diamonds to her dentures and thus created the world's first grill. The messy family lawsuit is still pending.
3) Bones you constantly complain about your job so I am guessing you are not paid well. This being said how do you afford to travel and attend sporting events nearly every weekend?
Your guess is correct my wise readers. I pull off the difficult task of being grossly overpaid without making much money quite nicely. The answer to your actual question can be answered by referencing the movie Dennis the Menace. In the movie, which is one of the most underrated of all time, the Mitchell's are left frantically searching for an extended babysitter for Dennis when Mrs. Mitchell must go out of town for business. They call and get rejected by babysitter after babysitter until there is only one name left in the phonebook: A name that they do not want to call but must out of sheer desperation. That is the name of their dear neighbor Mr. Wilson. Many of my friends this year have been invited to parties or sporting events that they want to attend but cannot go to alone. They go through their cell phone frantically searching for a companion until there is only one name left in the phonebook: A name that they do want to call but must out of sheer desperation. That is the name of their dear friend Bones. I am Mr. Wilson.
2) Why do people call you Bones?
To be honest no one has ever referred to my as Bones in my life without the prefix skin and but I needed an alias. I doubt Samuel Langhorn Clemons' friends called him Mark Twain or Plaxico Burress' friends currently call him Harris Smith but the names, like Bones, were needed.
1) How do I cancel my payment to grillenwitgill?
My website, like every othere website in the world, will not provide a simple or practical answer to this question. You must first find the toll free number that is located in some obscure place on this blog. You then must talk to a represenative who reads from a card, talks in a monotone voice and follows every 5 minute tangent with, "Now doesn't that sound good. Why would you want to cancel?" And that is a question I doubt anyone has a good answer to.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Zorn to be Bad?
Bones hopes everyone in the blogasphere had a happy Thanksgiving and that the amount of food eaten made up for those two horrendous football games during the day. If you must know I had a great four day break from my extremely draining and demanding job that was supposed to culminate with a glorious Sunday afternoon at FedEx field. However, what I witnessed up close and personal on Sunday was anything but glorious.
One of my college roommates (Wanz) and his wife (Marissa) have started a tradition that is second only to that of the Mistletoe. Inexplicably, for two straight years they have decided to take one of my friends (Geoff) and I (Bones) to a Redskins game on their anniversary. Last year the four of us witnessed a fourth quarter collapse at the hands on the Eagles. The sting of the loss was not nearly as painful as having to listen to those colzone inhaling chiefs chant E-A-G-L-E-S as we exited the stadium. But this was a new year. We had a police escort to the game, seats four rows up on the 40 behind the Redskins bench and a case of liquid courage as we entered the parking lot. It did not matter that it was forty degrees and raining we would not be denied. What we would not be denied of I am not entirely sure because I did not expect a Redskins victory but we would not be denied.
While walking to our seats I was thinking about what phrase I could yell over and over that would both insult Giants fans and form a banter with those supporting the Burgundy & Gold. When a man with the dimensions of Charlie Weiss walked by me wearing a Plaxico Burress jersey it hit me. Plaxico Burress just shot himself in the leg, Eminem's friend Cheddar Bob shot himself in the leg in 8 Mile. (By the way, what was up with Eminem's posse in that movie. A white go whose IQ did not approach room tempature, a guy pushing 3 bills and a dork. I just never got it. I guess that is why they shot paint ball guns and burned down old buildings for fun.) For the next 3 hours I yelled Cheddar Bob every five minutes and I have to be honest, it never got old. Even the Giants fans loved it. As we kept climbing down stairs and getting closer and closer to the players of my favorite team I just kept telling myself if they keep it close this will be the best day of my life.
As we settled into our seats, literally 30 feet from the players, I began to observe the fellow fans we would be sharing the next 3 hours with. The second most important aspect of going to a game, next to your team winning, is who you sit around. It was obvious the surrounding crowd would not equal the previous year's when we witnessed a human being rise from the dead. The man directly in front of us, who went a little to hard in pre-game warm ups, was passed out the entire first half. We referred to him as Weekend at Bernie's until, while I was trying to take advantage of a priceless Facebook moment by getting a picture with him, he suddenly regained conciousness. He preceded to grab me by my jersey, whisper "Let's Go Skins" in my ear, and cheer vehemently the entire second half. This Lazurus like performance was not repeated by anyone in our section but all in all we could not complain.
However, Bones did have complaints about what was going on the field. First off Tony Siragusa was on the field just like last year and that is the only reason I was glad the weather was so bad. When the game actually started it was obvious not even "the goose" could have helped the Skins. The Giants controlled the offensive and defensive line from the first play of the game and the 13-7 score at halftime only masked their domination. As the Oreo licking King ran out the clock, the rain poured down and I lost feeling in all apendages I experienced the hallowing feeling a sports fan has when he realizes his team is simply not that good. One of the many negative aspects of getting older is that you become more realistic as a fan. I can remember when I was a junior in high school betting 10 kids $5 each the Redskins would make the playoffs when their record was 0-5. Sadly, with a game coming up at Baltimore, Dallas playing well and 2 NFC South teams somehow sporting 9-3 records I would not make that same bet today.
One of my college roommates (Wanz) and his wife (Marissa) have started a tradition that is second only to that of the Mistletoe. Inexplicably, for two straight years they have decided to take one of my friends (Geoff) and I (Bones) to a Redskins game on their anniversary. Last year the four of us witnessed a fourth quarter collapse at the hands on the Eagles. The sting of the loss was not nearly as painful as having to listen to those colzone inhaling chiefs chant E-A-G-L-E-S as we exited the stadium. But this was a new year. We had a police escort to the game, seats four rows up on the 40 behind the Redskins bench and a case of liquid courage as we entered the parking lot. It did not matter that it was forty degrees and raining we would not be denied. What we would not be denied of I am not entirely sure because I did not expect a Redskins victory but we would not be denied.
While walking to our seats I was thinking about what phrase I could yell over and over that would both insult Giants fans and form a banter with those supporting the Burgundy & Gold. When a man with the dimensions of Charlie Weiss walked by me wearing a Plaxico Burress jersey it hit me. Plaxico Burress just shot himself in the leg, Eminem's friend Cheddar Bob shot himself in the leg in 8 Mile. (By the way, what was up with Eminem's posse in that movie. A white go whose IQ did not approach room tempature, a guy pushing 3 bills and a dork. I just never got it. I guess that is why they shot paint ball guns and burned down old buildings for fun.) For the next 3 hours I yelled Cheddar Bob every five minutes and I have to be honest, it never got old. Even the Giants fans loved it. As we kept climbing down stairs and getting closer and closer to the players of my favorite team I just kept telling myself if they keep it close this will be the best day of my life.
As we settled into our seats, literally 30 feet from the players, I began to observe the fellow fans we would be sharing the next 3 hours with. The second most important aspect of going to a game, next to your team winning, is who you sit around. It was obvious the surrounding crowd would not equal the previous year's when we witnessed a human being rise from the dead. The man directly in front of us, who went a little to hard in pre-game warm ups, was passed out the entire first half. We referred to him as Weekend at Bernie's until, while I was trying to take advantage of a priceless Facebook moment by getting a picture with him, he suddenly regained conciousness. He preceded to grab me by my jersey, whisper "Let's Go Skins" in my ear, and cheer vehemently the entire second half. This Lazurus like performance was not repeated by anyone in our section but all in all we could not complain.
However, Bones did have complaints about what was going on the field. First off Tony Siragusa was on the field just like last year and that is the only reason I was glad the weather was so bad. When the game actually started it was obvious not even "the goose" could have helped the Skins. The Giants controlled the offensive and defensive line from the first play of the game and the 13-7 score at halftime only masked their domination. As the Oreo licking King ran out the clock, the rain poured down and I lost feeling in all apendages I experienced the hallowing feeling a sports fan has when he realizes his team is simply not that good. One of the many negative aspects of getting older is that you become more realistic as a fan. I can remember when I was a junior in high school betting 10 kids $5 each the Redskins would make the playoffs when their record was 0-5. Sadly, with a game coming up at Baltimore, Dallas playing well and 2 NFC South teams somehow sporting 9-3 records I would not make that same bet today.
Friday, November 21, 2008
YOU KNOW ITS TRUE!
Ah, it is almost the weekend and when you have a job as boring as Bones' there is no better feeling. However, before I can fully let the feeling of unequivocal bliss the weekend brings come over me I must do 2 things: Get something that has been driving me crazy lately off my chest and release the "Travis Henry Locks of the Week."
The aspect of society that bothers me this Friday afternoon is people that do not understand that their job is worthless and anyone could do it. "Well, Bones what the hell do you do that is so important?" Nothing, absolutely nothing. The difference between me and these self-worshipping laborers is I know that I can be replaced or simply eliminated without interrupting the flow of my workplace. It is employees who feel as if a multi-billion dollar franchise like McDonald's would go down the tubes if they quit that really irk your loyal narrator. These perpetrators can be easily spotted by the following common sayings which often set off ridiculous rants.
"There is just not enough time in the day" Everytime you hear a disgruntled employee utter this you know they have entirely too much. I dare say that there is not a person reading this. Wait, that was not supposed to be a complete thought. I dare say there is not a person reading this who has not heard this statement uttered in response to the question, "how do you like your job?"This person, who is ussually rocking a sweater vest and is shaped like Mr. Potato Head will respond, "I mean I love working at Pet Smart but there is just not enough time in the day. They expect me to clean the Hamster cages, feed the Iguanas and help customers locate items. I mean Helloooo? I do my best but if they don't change the way they run their stores they're gonna go down. I hate to say it but they're headed for trouble. You know you just can't run a business expecting someone to be a cage cleaner, Iguana feeder and item locater all in one. The only reason I'm still there is because every year you get an additional 3 percent off store items. I'm just to invested to get out now. You know." After a rant like this Bones ussually musters a "who knew" while plotting to poison this chief's next cocktail.
"Not for what they pay me" Everytime an unhappy worker says this people immediately know it is way to much. The rant ussually goes something like, "For what they pay me you would think I didn't even gradaute grade school and I'm lazy. I mean I got my GED and I'm only late to work on even days of the week. Always on time monday, wednesday, friday, ALWAYS! Man and I work like half the time I'm there, HALF THE TIME! How many people can say that, HOW MANY PEOPLE! But for what they pay me I'll probably just quit! I'LL PROBABLY JUST QUIT!
"If I left what would they do?" The answer to this is whatever they have been doing but more effeciently. This malcontent can ussually be overheard talking to a co-worker while you wait at a restaurant that is making a mockery of the term fast foot. "If I left what would they do? I mean seriously, what would they do. I'm the fastest worker they get, hands down, no question about it. You know it's true. I'm not knocking anybody else but I mean who is always putting the salt on the fries when Wendy forgets? Me, that's who! You know it's true. I mean it takes Phil 10 minutes to get a whopper ready. Ten minutes? Come on, man. In ten minutes I can take 2 orders, prepare 5 whoppers, 3 number 6's and salt the fries. And you know the number sixes ain't no joke. If I left what would they do. No one would ever get their food. You know it's true.
Travis Henry Locks of the Week YTD 22-21-2
Saturday
7:45 ESPN Maryland plus 1 vs. Florida State) This line is hard to understand. Maryland beat the supposed best team in the ACC last week while Florida State lost at home to Boston College. Again, in a conference where everyone is mediocre I will take the team getting points at home. Florida State's two starting safeties are also out, albeit for very different reasons. One is out after tearing his ACL celebrating an interception while the other, Myron Rolle, has an interview for a Rhodes scholarship. Bones imagines the conversation between Rolle and Bowden went something like this:
Rolle: Coach, uh, I came to talk to you to ask permission to miss the Boston College game. I have an interview for a Rhodes scholarship.
Bowden: What! What the hell are you talking about son? I've never heard of it.
Rolle: Coach it is a great honor to even be considered. They only give out 32 in the country, it's kinda a big deal.
Bowden: Daggumit, fine. But I'll tell you one thing my uncle worked on roads back in the 50s and he wasn't no kind of scholar.
Maryland 24, Florida State 20.
8 ABC Oklahoma -7 vs. Texas Tech) Oklahoma will cover for two reasons: Oklahoma is 50-2 in Norman under Bob Stoops and following the recent rash of pirate activity in Somalia has left Texas Tech Head Coach Mike Leach little time to prepare for this huge game. Oklahoma 45, Texas Tech 31.
Duke plus 17 at Virginia Tech
Nevada plus 6.5 vs. Boise State
Sundays)
1 CBS Ravens -1 vs. Eagles) Bones does not see a team that just played in one of the worst games in NFL history going into Baltimore and getting a win. However, if the game goes into overtime the Eagles would have a distinct advantage now that their quarterback knows that games can end in a tie. I mean what if that happened in the Super Bowl? You tell'em Donovan!
8:15 NBC Chargers -2.5 vs Colts) The most disturbing part about the end of last week's game was not the millions of dollars that switched hands but the fact that Norv Turner was arguing the call. The Chargers had already lost the game and their coach is arguing because he would rather lose by 1 point than 8. That simply does not make sense to Bones. That being said I still think the Colts are a fraud and the Chargers are good at home. Chargers 28, Colts 24.
8:30 ESPN Saints -2.5 vs. Packers) It is unbelivable how often NFL prognasticators change their mind. The Packers play one good game at home to even their record at 5-5 and now they are one of the best teams in the NFL? The Saints are 4-1 at home, have not played in New Orleans in 43 days and the Packers are 2-3 away from Wiscosin. Sounds like a Saints vitory to Bones. Saints 35, Packers 28.
The Redskins have looked awful the last couple weeks and it has cost them back to back home defeats. They now face a must win in a place that they never do. Hopefully, the Seahawks do not decide that want to start trying in Week 12. Good luck to everyone and I hope Tony Siragusa is not on the field for your team's game.
The aspect of society that bothers me this Friday afternoon is people that do not understand that their job is worthless and anyone could do it. "Well, Bones what the hell do you do that is so important?" Nothing, absolutely nothing. The difference between me and these self-worshipping laborers is I know that I can be replaced or simply eliminated without interrupting the flow of my workplace. It is employees who feel as if a multi-billion dollar franchise like McDonald's would go down the tubes if they quit that really irk your loyal narrator. These perpetrators can be easily spotted by the following common sayings which often set off ridiculous rants.
"There is just not enough time in the day" Everytime you hear a disgruntled employee utter this you know they have entirely too much. I dare say that there is not a person reading this. Wait, that was not supposed to be a complete thought. I dare say there is not a person reading this who has not heard this statement uttered in response to the question, "how do you like your job?"This person, who is ussually rocking a sweater vest and is shaped like Mr. Potato Head will respond, "I mean I love working at Pet Smart but there is just not enough time in the day. They expect me to clean the Hamster cages, feed the Iguanas and help customers locate items. I mean Helloooo? I do my best but if they don't change the way they run their stores they're gonna go down. I hate to say it but they're headed for trouble. You know you just can't run a business expecting someone to be a cage cleaner, Iguana feeder and item locater all in one. The only reason I'm still there is because every year you get an additional 3 percent off store items. I'm just to invested to get out now. You know." After a rant like this Bones ussually musters a "who knew" while plotting to poison this chief's next cocktail.
"Not for what they pay me" Everytime an unhappy worker says this people immediately know it is way to much. The rant ussually goes something like, "For what they pay me you would think I didn't even gradaute grade school and I'm lazy. I mean I got my GED and I'm only late to work on even days of the week. Always on time monday, wednesday, friday, ALWAYS! Man and I work like half the time I'm there, HALF THE TIME! How many people can say that, HOW MANY PEOPLE! But for what they pay me I'll probably just quit! I'LL PROBABLY JUST QUIT!
"If I left what would they do?" The answer to this is whatever they have been doing but more effeciently. This malcontent can ussually be overheard talking to a co-worker while you wait at a restaurant that is making a mockery of the term fast foot. "If I left what would they do? I mean seriously, what would they do. I'm the fastest worker they get, hands down, no question about it. You know it's true. I'm not knocking anybody else but I mean who is always putting the salt on the fries when Wendy forgets? Me, that's who! You know it's true. I mean it takes Phil 10 minutes to get a whopper ready. Ten minutes? Come on, man. In ten minutes I can take 2 orders, prepare 5 whoppers, 3 number 6's and salt the fries. And you know the number sixes ain't no joke. If I left what would they do. No one would ever get their food. You know it's true.
Travis Henry Locks of the Week YTD 22-21-2
Saturday
7:45 ESPN Maryland plus 1 vs. Florida State) This line is hard to understand. Maryland beat the supposed best team in the ACC last week while Florida State lost at home to Boston College. Again, in a conference where everyone is mediocre I will take the team getting points at home. Florida State's two starting safeties are also out, albeit for very different reasons. One is out after tearing his ACL celebrating an interception while the other, Myron Rolle, has an interview for a Rhodes scholarship. Bones imagines the conversation between Rolle and Bowden went something like this:
Rolle: Coach, uh, I came to talk to you to ask permission to miss the Boston College game. I have an interview for a Rhodes scholarship.
Bowden: What! What the hell are you talking about son? I've never heard of it.
Rolle: Coach it is a great honor to even be considered. They only give out 32 in the country, it's kinda a big deal.
Bowden: Daggumit, fine. But I'll tell you one thing my uncle worked on roads back in the 50s and he wasn't no kind of scholar.
Maryland 24, Florida State 20.
8 ABC Oklahoma -7 vs. Texas Tech) Oklahoma will cover for two reasons: Oklahoma is 50-2 in Norman under Bob Stoops and following the recent rash of pirate activity in Somalia has left Texas Tech Head Coach Mike Leach little time to prepare for this huge game. Oklahoma 45, Texas Tech 31.
Duke plus 17 at Virginia Tech
Nevada plus 6.5 vs. Boise State
Sundays)
1 CBS Ravens -1 vs. Eagles) Bones does not see a team that just played in one of the worst games in NFL history going into Baltimore and getting a win. However, if the game goes into overtime the Eagles would have a distinct advantage now that their quarterback knows that games can end in a tie. I mean what if that happened in the Super Bowl? You tell'em Donovan!
8:15 NBC Chargers -2.5 vs Colts) The most disturbing part about the end of last week's game was not the millions of dollars that switched hands but the fact that Norv Turner was arguing the call. The Chargers had already lost the game and their coach is arguing because he would rather lose by 1 point than 8. That simply does not make sense to Bones. That being said I still think the Colts are a fraud and the Chargers are good at home. Chargers 28, Colts 24.
8:30 ESPN Saints -2.5 vs. Packers) It is unbelivable how often NFL prognasticators change their mind. The Packers play one good game at home to even their record at 5-5 and now they are one of the best teams in the NFL? The Saints are 4-1 at home, have not played in New Orleans in 43 days and the Packers are 2-3 away from Wiscosin. Sounds like a Saints vitory to Bones. Saints 35, Packers 28.
The Redskins have looked awful the last couple weeks and it has cost them back to back home defeats. They now face a must win in a place that they never do. Hopefully, the Seahawks do not decide that want to start trying in Week 12. Good luck to everyone and I hope Tony Siragusa is not on the field for your team's game.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
That car right there is one helluva deal
ESPN broadcasted 24 straight hours of basketball yesterday in an attempt to let our football crazed country know that the season has indeed started. Upon hearing word of this event Bones contemplated skipping work, watching all 24 hours and satisfying even his most rabid of readers with a running commentary. I was going to let my boss know, that since my production comes nowhere close to outweighing what I cost the company in electricity, I felt the need to be a team player and take Tuesday off. Then I realized women's games would be part of the extravaganza. It pained me to let my readers down. However, I refuse to watch girls basketball unless Brittanny Jackson is given another year of eligibility or they decide to lower the rim a foot so everyone can touch the backboard. Even though I did not get to witness the all day affair it did make me realize that it was time for a Nostradamus like college basketball preview. So here our Bones' answers to the most pressing questions from the amateur basketball world.
Does Kansas have a shot at repeating as champions?
The answer to this question is obviously no. The reason is also obvious. They had six players drafted by the NBA (4 of which were not caught puff puff passing at the NBA's Rookie Transition Program with Michael Beasley). This team will have to cover up an obvious lack of talent, convince themselves they have something they don't and never admit defeat to even make the NCAA tournament. Essestially they must act like Bill Self's hair piece to have a decent season. Call me crazy but Bones does not think having to emulate a toupee is a blue print for success.
Is this the year Duke makes it back to the final four?
Another emphatic No. This team will post a very impressive record and probably finish second in the ACC. However, Gerald Henderson and Nolan Smith are still the team's only explosive players. Blue Devil contributors like Sheyer, Paulus and Singler are very talented but also are slow, weak and have been forced to hide from the sun their entire lives. No team that has that much in common with Bones will win 4 games in a tournament dominated by premier athletes.
Is their a more fun team to watch than Syracuse?
Not for Bones' money. This team is most likely headed for another underachieving season but that will not make their games any less fun to watch. For starters this team is talented. They have two future pros in Eric Devendorf and Johny Flynn to go along with physical specimens Paul Harris and Arinze Onuaku. They also play in a great gym and have a famous coach. However, the reason they are my favorite to watch is because their players act like they are clinically insane on the court. Onuaku screams after every basket, Harris looks and plays like a middle line backer, Devendorf acts as if he is possessed by demons whenever he scores and Flynn, in addition to being 5'10 and trying to dunk anytime he gets in the paint, does not stop talking the entire game. They say a great team takes on the personality of their coach. Unless Syracuse players start taking sedatives and watching "Curb Your Enthusiasm" marathons it looks like another NIT season for the Orange and Bones will be there for every minute of it.
Will UCLA make it a 4th straight Final Four?
I sure hope not. Bones would never knock a succesful coach like Ben Howlen but simply cannot bear to watch the Bruins come up short in a 55-49 Final 4 contest for a fourth straight year. Howlen preaches a tough, effective style of play. However, it is hard to believe they have not been more enertaining to watch with the all the great athletes they have had during their current run. Their style coupled with the departure of Kevin Love's immaculate chin strap has Bones rooting for an early Bruins exit.
Will UNC steam roll to a National Championship?
If Tyler Hansborough is healthy it is hard to fathom anyone beating the Tar Heels. Carolina posseses everything an elite team needs: A great point guard (Lawson), a scoring wing (Ellington), athletic, energetic freshman (Zeller, Davis) and an unstoppable inside force (Hansborough). Hopefully, UNC will win it all so Roy Williams can retire and perform the task he was put on this earth to fulfill. The man is undoubtedly a great coach but there is no denying he was created to own car dealerships. Please tell me Bones is not the only one who pictures him closing deals at Roy Williams Toyota everytime he flashes that salesman's smile, shakes the dangly gold bracelet back inside his suit and inexplicably looks at his watch like it knows something the Jumbotron doesn't.
Does Kansas have a shot at repeating as champions?
The answer to this question is obviously no. The reason is also obvious. They had six players drafted by the NBA (4 of which were not caught puff puff passing at the NBA's Rookie Transition Program with Michael Beasley). This team will have to cover up an obvious lack of talent, convince themselves they have something they don't and never admit defeat to even make the NCAA tournament. Essestially they must act like Bill Self's hair piece to have a decent season. Call me crazy but Bones does not think having to emulate a toupee is a blue print for success.
Is this the year Duke makes it back to the final four?
Another emphatic No. This team will post a very impressive record and probably finish second in the ACC. However, Gerald Henderson and Nolan Smith are still the team's only explosive players. Blue Devil contributors like Sheyer, Paulus and Singler are very talented but also are slow, weak and have been forced to hide from the sun their entire lives. No team that has that much in common with Bones will win 4 games in a tournament dominated by premier athletes.
Is their a more fun team to watch than Syracuse?
Not for Bones' money. This team is most likely headed for another underachieving season but that will not make their games any less fun to watch. For starters this team is talented. They have two future pros in Eric Devendorf and Johny Flynn to go along with physical specimens Paul Harris and Arinze Onuaku. They also play in a great gym and have a famous coach. However, the reason they are my favorite to watch is because their players act like they are clinically insane on the court. Onuaku screams after every basket, Harris looks and plays like a middle line backer, Devendorf acts as if he is possessed by demons whenever he scores and Flynn, in addition to being 5'10 and trying to dunk anytime he gets in the paint, does not stop talking the entire game. They say a great team takes on the personality of their coach. Unless Syracuse players start taking sedatives and watching "Curb Your Enthusiasm" marathons it looks like another NIT season for the Orange and Bones will be there for every minute of it.
Will UCLA make it a 4th straight Final Four?
I sure hope not. Bones would never knock a succesful coach like Ben Howlen but simply cannot bear to watch the Bruins come up short in a 55-49 Final 4 contest for a fourth straight year. Howlen preaches a tough, effective style of play. However, it is hard to believe they have not been more enertaining to watch with the all the great athletes they have had during their current run. Their style coupled with the departure of Kevin Love's immaculate chin strap has Bones rooting for an early Bruins exit.
Will UNC steam roll to a National Championship?
If Tyler Hansborough is healthy it is hard to fathom anyone beating the Tar Heels. Carolina posseses everything an elite team needs: A great point guard (Lawson), a scoring wing (Ellington), athletic, energetic freshman (Zeller, Davis) and an unstoppable inside force (Hansborough). Hopefully, UNC will win it all so Roy Williams can retire and perform the task he was put on this earth to fulfill. The man is undoubtedly a great coach but there is no denying he was created to own car dealerships. Please tell me Bones is not the only one who pictures him closing deals at Roy Williams Toyota everytime he flashes that salesman's smile, shakes the dangly gold bracelet back inside his suit and inexplicably looks at his watch like it knows something the Jumbotron doesn't.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Cooler than the other side of the pillow
The reasons Bones loves sports are plenty. Of course I love watching the best athletes in the world compete against each other for personal, professional and national pride and glory but it does not stop there. Bones is an astute man and enjoys the simple subtelties of competition as much as he enjoys watching LeBron James take off from the foul line. I enjoy the nuances like Tiger Wood's fist pump, Jason Campbell's mustache, the way NBA players strategically place tatoos and watching Maria Sharapova retrieve the ball for the second serve out of her skirt pocket. This being said there are certain aspects of sports that rub Bones the opposite direction. Atrocities that delve into his inner being and haunt his dreams. They are listed below in no particular order and I am not simply whining, I provide solutions. Like America, Bones has decided for better or worse he wants change and will not be content until someone erases these three blemishes that currently reside on the soul of the sporting world.
Stuart Scott: Once upon a time Stuart Scott was tolerable when he uttered fairly clever sayings like "he is as cool as the other side of the pillow" and took his medication. However, success and a lack of medicinal discipline has resulted in the man that currently stares and yells at us in the living room. Scott reminds me a lot of one of my roomates. They both routinely add words to their vocabulary and then use them completely out of context. The difference being my roommate gets his word of the day from Webster's while Scott takes them from urbandictionary.com. For an example, let's take Scott's usage of the word Podunkadunk. Urbandictionary.com describes a podunkadunk as, "a nice ass, or a big ass. Preferably a nice big ass." During highlights of a dunk by Tracy McGrady he can be heard screaming frantically, "T-Mac just getting silly wit it driving the line and finishing wit a Podunkadunk that he dedicated to Pookie and them." So what our boy Stu is really saying is that T-Mac finished with a nice, big ass that he dedicated to Pookie. My resolution to this problem is to dress Mr. Scott in FUBU gear and make him be the guy with the microphone during a Rucker Park game. If he doesn't have his life threatened by halftime he can stay on TV.
The practice of baseball managers wearing uniforms: If you don't think this is proposterous imagine Jeff Van Gundy in a headband, jersey and baggy shorts. The way to fix this ridiculous practice is to make managers participate in the game as if it was the Little League World Series. They can still wear uniforms but have to play a half inning on defense, pinch hit or pinch run. How much more interesting with the sport be if you got to watch Lou Piniella execute a suicide squeeze or Charlie Manual break up a double play?
The End of NBA games: The last two minutes of a close NBA game are like a drunken speech at the end of a family gathering. They both last entirely to long and make the people in attendence forget how much fun they had the first two hours of the event. Last week I watched the Blazers defeat the Rockets on a game winning Brandon Roy three. The only problem was Roy had already hit what should have been a game-winner with 1.8 seconds left only to have the Rockets call time-out, get the ball on the other side of the court and hit what should have been another game winner with .7 seconds left. While the 1.8 seconds of actual action was riveting the 20 minutes inbetween was not. Not only do teams call time outs to move the ball but the opposing team often follows with a time out after the see how the other team is setting up. This time out is often followed by an intentional delay of game. All of this wasted time inevitably results in an isolation for the offensive team's best player who dribbles around until there is less than a second left and takes an off balance fade away. My resolution to this is to give each team one time out in the last two minutes. Those in opposition will be forced to watch Dick Bavetta and Charles Barkley re-enact their epic race in the nude.
Abridged "Travis Henry Locks of the Week" YTD 17-16-1 so flip a coin
Stuart Scott: Once upon a time Stuart Scott was tolerable when he uttered fairly clever sayings like "he is as cool as the other side of the pillow" and took his medication. However, success and a lack of medicinal discipline has resulted in the man that currently stares and yells at us in the living room. Scott reminds me a lot of one of my roomates. They both routinely add words to their vocabulary and then use them completely out of context. The difference being my roommate gets his word of the day from Webster's while Scott takes them from urbandictionary.com. For an example, let's take Scott's usage of the word Podunkadunk. Urbandictionary.com describes a podunkadunk as, "a nice ass, or a big ass. Preferably a nice big ass." During highlights of a dunk by Tracy McGrady he can be heard screaming frantically, "T-Mac just getting silly wit it driving the line and finishing wit a Podunkadunk that he dedicated to Pookie and them." So what our boy Stu is really saying is that T-Mac finished with a nice, big ass that he dedicated to Pookie. My resolution to this problem is to dress Mr. Scott in FUBU gear and make him be the guy with the microphone during a Rucker Park game. If he doesn't have his life threatened by halftime he can stay on TV.
The practice of baseball managers wearing uniforms: If you don't think this is proposterous imagine Jeff Van Gundy in a headband, jersey and baggy shorts. The way to fix this ridiculous practice is to make managers participate in the game as if it was the Little League World Series. They can still wear uniforms but have to play a half inning on defense, pinch hit or pinch run. How much more interesting with the sport be if you got to watch Lou Piniella execute a suicide squeeze or Charlie Manual break up a double play?
The End of NBA games: The last two minutes of a close NBA game are like a drunken speech at the end of a family gathering. They both last entirely to long and make the people in attendence forget how much fun they had the first two hours of the event. Last week I watched the Blazers defeat the Rockets on a game winning Brandon Roy three. The only problem was Roy had already hit what should have been a game-winner with 1.8 seconds left only to have the Rockets call time-out, get the ball on the other side of the court and hit what should have been another game winner with .7 seconds left. While the 1.8 seconds of actual action was riveting the 20 minutes inbetween was not. Not only do teams call time outs to move the ball but the opposing team often follows with a time out after the see how the other team is setting up. This time out is often followed by an intentional delay of game. All of this wasted time inevitably results in an isolation for the offensive team's best player who dribbles around until there is less than a second left and takes an off balance fade away. My resolution to this is to give each team one time out in the last two minutes. Those in opposition will be forced to watch Dick Bavetta and Charles Barkley re-enact their epic race in the nude.
Abridged "Travis Henry Locks of the Week" YTD 17-16-1 so flip a coin
Saturday:
12) Illinois plus 9.5 vs. Ohio State on ESPN) The Illini's quarterback's name is Juice, they wear orange and their coach looks like he could fit the physchotic doctor roll on any Soap Opera. Lock it up. Ohio State 21, Illinois 13.
12) Notre Dame -3.5 vs. Navy Notre Dame Broadcasting Channel) Charlie Weiss means business this week. Ask the breakfast buffet at Shoney's how that ussually turns out. Notre Dame 31, Navy 13.
3:30) South Carolina plus 22.5 at da Swamp) Florida can't cover every week can they? Florida 35, South Carolina 14.
3:30) Maryland plus 3 vs UNC) The "good" teams in the ACC are all painfully mediocre so I will take the one getting points at home. Is it just me or does Ralph Friedgen bare a striking resemblance to the character on Mike Tyson's Punch Out whose pants fell down when you hit him?
Sunday:
Cinci plus 9.5 vs. Philly
Seattle plus 3 vs. Zona
Friday, November 7, 2008
Call me Brad Pitt
Bones may not be a millionare, global icon or date famous people but I do have 2 things in common with the man that will be on display this weekend: Breathtaking abs and the ability to rebound. While the first one concerns only my female readers the second is important to everyone. Anyone who has gone through a break up knows the importance of the first time you see your ex with another person. From a man's perspective if you are with a dime and your ex is with a guy possesing the body of John Belushi in Animal House you feel vindicated. On the opposite end of the spectrum if you have been fixed up with a girl who "has a great personality" and your ex is with a tall, dark, salsa dancing Spaniard named Ramon you might not sleep for a month. Luckily for celebrities their first post break up meeting is conducted on the cover of US weekly for all to see. Can you imagine the reaction of Rachel from Friends when she saw her former husband with Angelina Jolie. She probably muttered something like "I don't care if the loser wants to date that freak," on her way to the bathroom where she threw up more violently than the puppet in Team America. Conversely, the first time Joe Black saw Jen and Vince Vaughn together he probably chuckled and quoted Jay-Z, "you can't upgrade No. 1 B." After getting dumped by a 1-4 last week "The Travis Henry Locks" will deliver a circa 2004 Ben Wallace rebound at his readers feet.
YTD record 14-13-1 (so flip a coin)
Saturday
Penn State -7.5 at Iowa 3:30 ABC) Can a team really be suprised in a trap game when people have been saying the entire week they will be suprised in a trap game? Why do people act like college athletes are like members of the Dharma Initiative and are completely cut off from society except for Saturdays. Every Nittany Lion has access to cable television and there are probably articles plastered all over the Penn State locker room warning them not to let the prognasticators be right. If on the way to your first meeting with your girlfriend's parents she tells you her dad is a little over protective aren't you better prepared when he greets you at the door cleaning his gun and asks what your intentions with his daughter are? I know Joe Pa and Bones would be. Plus, Iowa is awful. Penn State 31, Iowa 17.
Vandy plus 24.5 vs. Florida 8 the deuce) Bones knows he was somehow able to correctly predict Vanderbelt was overrated early in the season and not make a dime off it. He also knows he was wrong about the Gators the last 2 weeks and Vandy has lost 3 in a row. In spite of this plethora of knowledge I still believe the Commodores will keep it close. Take the well coached, rested home team over a Gators team who is still taking aspirin the week after the world's biggest cocktail party. Florida 38, Vandy 14.
Cal plus 22 at USC 8 ABC) This line started at 17 and jumped to 22. Why? The Golden Bears only bad loss of the year is at Arizona in a game which they led by 10 at half and then had an atrocious 3rd quarter. In addition USC almost never covers in conference. People who argue the Trojans need to pour it on to impress the BCS need look no furthur then there 7 point victory at Arizona 2 weeks ago. Were they not trying to pour it on then? Even though Pete Carroll would be the best Uncle ever I have to take the Golden Bears. USC 35, Cal 17.
Locks the dont need write ups)
Wake -3.5 vs Virginia 3:30
Arkansas plus 13 at South Carolina
Nebraska -1.5 vs. Kansas
Sunday)
Texans plus 1 vs. Ravens CBS) This game reminds me a lot of when 80 percent of the public was on the Colts in Houston. Remember the Texans were leading 27-10 and Sage Rosenfels decided he wanted to know what it felt like to be a helicopter propeller. This time I believe Sage will slide instead of letting Ed Reed and Ray Lewis sacrifice his body to appease the gods. Texans 21, Ravens 17.
Redskins have a bye week before a game of unparralelled proportions against the Cowboys. Good luck this weekend and I hope Tony Siragusa is not on the field for your teams' game.
YTD record 14-13-1 (so flip a coin)
Saturday
Penn State -7.5 at Iowa 3:30 ABC) Can a team really be suprised in a trap game when people have been saying the entire week they will be suprised in a trap game? Why do people act like college athletes are like members of the Dharma Initiative and are completely cut off from society except for Saturdays. Every Nittany Lion has access to cable television and there are probably articles plastered all over the Penn State locker room warning them not to let the prognasticators be right. If on the way to your first meeting with your girlfriend's parents she tells you her dad is a little over protective aren't you better prepared when he greets you at the door cleaning his gun and asks what your intentions with his daughter are? I know Joe Pa and Bones would be. Plus, Iowa is awful. Penn State 31, Iowa 17.
Vandy plus 24.5 vs. Florida 8 the deuce) Bones knows he was somehow able to correctly predict Vanderbelt was overrated early in the season and not make a dime off it. He also knows he was wrong about the Gators the last 2 weeks and Vandy has lost 3 in a row. In spite of this plethora of knowledge I still believe the Commodores will keep it close. Take the well coached, rested home team over a Gators team who is still taking aspirin the week after the world's biggest cocktail party. Florida 38, Vandy 14.
Cal plus 22 at USC 8 ABC) This line started at 17 and jumped to 22. Why? The Golden Bears only bad loss of the year is at Arizona in a game which they led by 10 at half and then had an atrocious 3rd quarter. In addition USC almost never covers in conference. People who argue the Trojans need to pour it on to impress the BCS need look no furthur then there 7 point victory at Arizona 2 weeks ago. Were they not trying to pour it on then? Even though Pete Carroll would be the best Uncle ever I have to take the Golden Bears. USC 35, Cal 17.
Locks the dont need write ups)
Wake -3.5 vs Virginia 3:30
Arkansas plus 13 at South Carolina
Nebraska -1.5 vs. Kansas
Sunday)
Texans plus 1 vs. Ravens CBS) This game reminds me a lot of when 80 percent of the public was on the Colts in Houston. Remember the Texans were leading 27-10 and Sage Rosenfels decided he wanted to know what it felt like to be a helicopter propeller. This time I believe Sage will slide instead of letting Ed Reed and Ray Lewis sacrifice his body to appease the gods. Texans 21, Ravens 17.
Redskins have a bye week before a game of unparralelled proportions against the Cowboys. Good luck this weekend and I hope Tony Siragusa is not on the field for your teams' game.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Say it ain't So Joe D
Bones stumbles into the blagosphere feeling like John Daly the morning after pulling an all-nighter at Hooters. I cannot remember a three day period in my young sports life where more punishment was endured. It would be easier not to pour rubbing alcohol on these still fresh wounds by talking about them but I cannot rob the readers of what is rightfully theres. So, while squeezing the hand of the nurse who has been nurturing me back to good health the past two days I present to you; "Beaten, Battered, Blindsided but Blinged out" a weekend in the life of Bones.
(Beaten) : Our young, handsome, charming, chiseled, daring (aight aight sorry) protagonist entered the weekend having claimed that he loved his college football picks and would make his readers enough money to move out of their parents' basement. Alas, it wasn't to be. On Saturday the genius of Tom Sellick overshadowed the diversion of Charlie Weiss' waistline, the voice of Ray Charles was nowhere to be heard and Colt McCoy was outplayed in one of the best college games I can remember. A Sunday split left Bones' picks at 1-4 and left his readers eating Mom's meatloaf for at least another week.
(Blindsided): On Monday morning I recieved 3 texts in a 5 minute span informing me of the regrettable news that AI was headed to Detroit for Chauncey Billups. This meant my favorite player of all time, in any sport, was no longer a Piston. It is a combination of things that caused my adoration of Billups. I loved Billups so much my friends even called me Chauncey and Gillups at times. Chauncey was my favorite player for what he did to help the Pistons win: played unselfishly, got to the line, locked down the other team's point guard, capped off rallies with backbreaking 3s and took over games in the 4th quarter and for how he was able to pull off being the definition of cool every second he was on the court without ever being lazy. He never broke a sweat, was the last person off the court after every timeout (during 20 second t.o.'s he never reached the huddle), let opposing players know exactly where the party was immediately after games, didn't follow through or jump on 3's and was already dapping up Sheed and Big Ben before his foul shots scorched the bottom of the net. Joe D had promised change but I did not see this coming. This probably is a good move for the franchise because of the cap money it will free up after the season. The contracts of AI and Sheed expire after this year giving Joe D a shot at landing one of the stars in the summer of 2010's outstanding class. However, I selfishly would rather watch Mr. Big Shot for another 3 years than get a championship with Chris Bosh down the road. My Billups authentic was on e-bay, 100 kleenexes had met their demise and my love of the NBA had been tested as I sat down to watch the Redskins on Monday Night.
(Battered): Bones stumbled through a dreary fog after hearing the news of Mr. Big Shot' s departure for most of Monday but the day could be saved! The Redskins were playing on Monday Night Football with a chance to be 7-2 heading into the bye week. Washington took an early 6-0 lead and visions of Chauncey in a Nuggets jersey had all but disapeared. I was in such a good mood that when Tony Kornheiser said, " If Mitch Berger was a horse and had four legs 2 bad hamstrings would not be that big of deal" I did not even punch myself in the face. However, from that point on the Steelers manhandled the Skins and my sports weekend from down under was complete. Stick to PTI Mr. T!
(Blinged Out): The one positive of the weekend was that Bones and his boys managed to win the first annual pimp cup challenge. How I went 0-3 in the "Travis Henry Locks" and we went 5-2 in the challenge I will never know. What I do know is that we sent Team Boston home with a pint of clam chowder and heavy dose of humility. So while my readers went broke, my favorite player got traded and the Skins were humbled, I will soon be yelling What? OK! and drinking crunk juice from an $100 Lil John special.
Congratulations to Coach Mike Rhoades and the Division III Randolph-Macon Yellow Jackets who went into the Patriot center and shocked 2006 Final Four participant George Mason tonight 73-72. The game was an exhibition but Mason played their top 8 the entire way and Jim Larranaga stated after the game that he simply had no answer for the in game wizadry of Coach Rhoades.
(Beaten) : Our young, handsome, charming, chiseled, daring (aight aight sorry) protagonist entered the weekend having claimed that he loved his college football picks and would make his readers enough money to move out of their parents' basement. Alas, it wasn't to be. On Saturday the genius of Tom Sellick overshadowed the diversion of Charlie Weiss' waistline, the voice of Ray Charles was nowhere to be heard and Colt McCoy was outplayed in one of the best college games I can remember. A Sunday split left Bones' picks at 1-4 and left his readers eating Mom's meatloaf for at least another week.
(Blindsided): On Monday morning I recieved 3 texts in a 5 minute span informing me of the regrettable news that AI was headed to Detroit for Chauncey Billups. This meant my favorite player of all time, in any sport, was no longer a Piston. It is a combination of things that caused my adoration of Billups. I loved Billups so much my friends even called me Chauncey and Gillups at times. Chauncey was my favorite player for what he did to help the Pistons win: played unselfishly, got to the line, locked down the other team's point guard, capped off rallies with backbreaking 3s and took over games in the 4th quarter and for how he was able to pull off being the definition of cool every second he was on the court without ever being lazy. He never broke a sweat, was the last person off the court after every timeout (during 20 second t.o.'s he never reached the huddle), let opposing players know exactly where the party was immediately after games, didn't follow through or jump on 3's and was already dapping up Sheed and Big Ben before his foul shots scorched the bottom of the net. Joe D had promised change but I did not see this coming. This probably is a good move for the franchise because of the cap money it will free up after the season. The contracts of AI and Sheed expire after this year giving Joe D a shot at landing one of the stars in the summer of 2010's outstanding class. However, I selfishly would rather watch Mr. Big Shot for another 3 years than get a championship with Chris Bosh down the road. My Billups authentic was on e-bay, 100 kleenexes had met their demise and my love of the NBA had been tested as I sat down to watch the Redskins on Monday Night.
(Battered): Bones stumbled through a dreary fog after hearing the news of Mr. Big Shot' s departure for most of Monday but the day could be saved! The Redskins were playing on Monday Night Football with a chance to be 7-2 heading into the bye week. Washington took an early 6-0 lead and visions of Chauncey in a Nuggets jersey had all but disapeared. I was in such a good mood that when Tony Kornheiser said, " If Mitch Berger was a horse and had four legs 2 bad hamstrings would not be that big of deal" I did not even punch myself in the face. However, from that point on the Steelers manhandled the Skins and my sports weekend from down under was complete. Stick to PTI Mr. T!
(Blinged Out): The one positive of the weekend was that Bones and his boys managed to win the first annual pimp cup challenge. How I went 0-3 in the "Travis Henry Locks" and we went 5-2 in the challenge I will never know. What I do know is that we sent Team Boston home with a pint of clam chowder and heavy dose of humility. So while my readers went broke, my favorite player got traded and the Skins were humbled, I will soon be yelling What? OK! and drinking crunk juice from an $100 Lil John special.
Congratulations to Coach Mike Rhoades and the Division III Randolph-Macon Yellow Jackets who went into the Patriot center and shocked 2006 Final Four participant George Mason tonight 73-72. The game was an exhibition but Mason played their top 8 the entire way and Jim Larranaga stated after the game that he simply had no answer for the in game wizadry of Coach Rhoades.
Friday, October 31, 2008
LOCK IT UP!!!
I am fired up for many reasons this weekend. All my boys from college are in town, I am involved in a betting challenge (1200 virtual dollars to be wagered on 7 games winner gets a lil john pimp cup) against people from his least favorite city (Boston) and I LOVE my picks. When Bones landed in Florida last friday 8 hours after the estimated arrival time the flight attendant come over the loud speaker and said, "We apologize we could not get you here on time but at least we got you here safely." Basically saying we know we didn't do our job but at least your still alive. As rediculous as this comment is it relates to my picks the last 2 weeks. A respectable 13-9-1 on the year the "Travis Henry Locks" of the week have been a painfully mediocre 3-3 and 2-2-1 the last two weeks. So while I have also not been doing my job at least you're not dead. But this weekend I will be the anti airline, I will get the job done on time while making you money. Without furthur ado here they are.
Notre Dame -4.5 vs. Pitt on NBC) The only thing that scares me about the game is the public is all over the Irish. However, that one negative can not persuade me not to take them. That would be like not dating Jennifer Anniston because she used to go steady with the lead singer from the Counting Crows. The reasons to take the Irish are plenty: Dr. Lou picked them to win which is rare, Pitt is coached by Tom Sellick and most importantly the players on Pitt will be far to busy taking bets on where Charlie Weiss' belly button is in relation to his belt to concentrate on the game. If someone asked me I do not think I could come within a foot. All these important factors will result in an easy Irish vicory. ND 37, Pitt 17.
Georgia plus 6.5 vs. Florida) Bones needs to be at this game but alas I cannot venture to Florida back to back weeks. This will be a ridiculously enertaining game. I would rather just sit back and relax then worry about the spread but the people need money so they will be blessed with a pick. Both teams had preseason aspirations of winning the National Championship, both played poor early, suffered a disapointing loss and are playing their best football right now. To me that sounds like two evenly matched teams, so I will take the team getting 6.5 points at a neutral sight. Plus, the late, great Ray Charles never parted his lips and sang Florida, Flllooooorida. Gators 31, Dawgs 28.
Texas minus 3 at Texas Tech ABC) Every week people say that Texas isn't going to win and every week they do. People that say this is a trap game have never played sports. Bones never played in front if 50,000 but played enough to know if you are ranked #1 in the country and you're playing a top 10 team in front of that many people you are not going to come out flat. Plus, no one has come close to stopping Texas what makes people think the Raiders can do the job. Before you send some V chips to an island offshore or call your bookie say Colt McCoy out loud 10x and I guarentee you will arive at the right decision. Texas 45, Texas Tech 38.
Sunday)
Packers plus 4.5 at Titans) The Titans are very good but they are not great. They are going to slip up at some point and I think this is the spot. Al Harris, one of the 80 members of Bob Marley and the Wailers that is currently in the NFL, is back and Aaron Rodgers is quietly having a great season. The Packers will get up early and hold on for an upset win. Packers 21, Titans 20.
Seahawks plus 6.5 vs. Eagles) This pick makes absolutely no sense. But once again when 80 percent of the public is on a team and the line moves the opposite direction Vegas knows something Bones doesn't. I think the Eagles will go into Seattle and destroy what has been a pitiful squad so far. However, I will take Seattle in hopes Terrell Davis' mom gives Donovan McNabb too much chunky soup and the Seahawks keep it close. Eagles 23, Seahawks 17.
The Redskins have a huge game this weekend. To beat the Steelers and get to 7-2 going into the bye week would be absolutely incredible and unexpected. I will never advise people to bet on teams I like but it just looks like they will get it done. Every week more and more people are Zorn again and I know Tony Siragusa will not be on the field for my team's game!
Notre Dame -4.5 vs. Pitt on NBC) The only thing that scares me about the game is the public is all over the Irish. However, that one negative can not persuade me not to take them. That would be like not dating Jennifer Anniston because she used to go steady with the lead singer from the Counting Crows. The reasons to take the Irish are plenty: Dr. Lou picked them to win which is rare, Pitt is coached by Tom Sellick and most importantly the players on Pitt will be far to busy taking bets on where Charlie Weiss' belly button is in relation to his belt to concentrate on the game. If someone asked me I do not think I could come within a foot. All these important factors will result in an easy Irish vicory. ND 37, Pitt 17.
Georgia plus 6.5 vs. Florida) Bones needs to be at this game but alas I cannot venture to Florida back to back weeks. This will be a ridiculously enertaining game. I would rather just sit back and relax then worry about the spread but the people need money so they will be blessed with a pick. Both teams had preseason aspirations of winning the National Championship, both played poor early, suffered a disapointing loss and are playing their best football right now. To me that sounds like two evenly matched teams, so I will take the team getting 6.5 points at a neutral sight. Plus, the late, great Ray Charles never parted his lips and sang Florida, Flllooooorida. Gators 31, Dawgs 28.
Texas minus 3 at Texas Tech ABC) Every week people say that Texas isn't going to win and every week they do. People that say this is a trap game have never played sports. Bones never played in front if 50,000 but played enough to know if you are ranked #1 in the country and you're playing a top 10 team in front of that many people you are not going to come out flat. Plus, no one has come close to stopping Texas what makes people think the Raiders can do the job. Before you send some V chips to an island offshore or call your bookie say Colt McCoy out loud 10x and I guarentee you will arive at the right decision. Texas 45, Texas Tech 38.
Sunday)
Packers plus 4.5 at Titans) The Titans are very good but they are not great. They are going to slip up at some point and I think this is the spot. Al Harris, one of the 80 members of Bob Marley and the Wailers that is currently in the NFL, is back and Aaron Rodgers is quietly having a great season. The Packers will get up early and hold on for an upset win. Packers 21, Titans 20.
Seahawks plus 6.5 vs. Eagles) This pick makes absolutely no sense. But once again when 80 percent of the public is on a team and the line moves the opposite direction Vegas knows something Bones doesn't. I think the Eagles will go into Seattle and destroy what has been a pitiful squad so far. However, I will take Seattle in hopes Terrell Davis' mom gives Donovan McNabb too much chunky soup and the Seahawks keep it close. Eagles 23, Seahawks 17.
The Redskins have a huge game this weekend. To beat the Steelers and get to 7-2 going into the bye week would be absolutely incredible and unexpected. I will never advise people to bet on teams I like but it just looks like they will get it done. Every week more and more people are Zorn again and I know Tony Siragusa will not be on the field for my team's game!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
That's what I'm talking about
What I will discuss today in the "Weekly things that bother Bones section" has been irking me since the first time I ever stepped into a rest room at a sporting event. Trips to Men's rooms during a crowded occasion rank slightly above when my dad came to school and gave the sex ed talk to my 6th grade class in the totem pole of events I would like to forget. "But Bones, no one likes public restrooms. We all know they are crowded and disgusting!" Sadly, it is not the filth and overpopulation that irks me. It is the strange behavior that overtakes seemingly normal humans when they enter past the door with the faceless man on it. My system has been given a shock by hundreds that display these actions so I will only list the most disturbing and habitual perpatraitors.
The talker/moaner: People that want to make noise while they relieve themselves in the comfort of their own home should by all means go for it. However, in a public restroom it's simply not neccesary. Any man that has frequented a bathroom has cowered in fear as the violator lets out a moan like he is recieving a massage from a Swedish model the second the process commences. As if this is not horrific enough in some instances this person will talk to the process. I am not sure how you talk to a process but it occurs. They ussually mutter something like, "Yea, that's what I am talking about." That's what you are talking about? Were you expecting a different result then the first a million times you did this or have you recently started using FloMax? Either way I propose a law making talking while at the urinal illegal. Violators will be kicked out of the event and monitored in the future.
The Looker: The looker is the bathroom bandit that worries me the most. We have all caught a glimpse of one of the linesmates in our shift at the unrinal by accident but this guy makes it a habit. You have been waiting in line for what seems like an hour after having to hold it the entire second quarter. The last thing you need when you finally get a chance to exhale is to worry about some guy checking your guy out. My proposed punishment for this is instant arrest and a lifetime ban from the stadium or venue.
The Long urinator: All frequenters of public events have unfortunately encountered one of these. The man who seems convinced that the longer you urinate the more likely it is that everyone in the bathroom thinks you could work in the adult film industry. This robber of the 3rd quarter kickoff stands in front of the troft longer than the average man stays in a stall. About a minute into the process he always turns his head over the shoulder and looks at the rest of his line mockingly, as if to say, "Yea, this is going to be awhile and you know what that means." Fortunately, I don't. I have heard of big hands and feet meaning that but they have been dismissed as myths. We can do the same with the long urinator. Those accused of this shall be forced to use stalls from now on.
The shaker/leaner: I was told by a teacher in high school that if you shake it more than once you're playing with it. While I have always heeded this advice is public restrooms we have all ran into someone who never recieved or defiantly ignored the suggestion. When this guy's stream finishes he immediately begins to shake his member like he has been tasered in an apparent attempt to eliminate the possibility of ever having to go again. Sometimes, he will lean both hands against the wall and simply shake his body. Fans convicted of this will be forced to watch the rest of the event wearing a straight jacket.
There is no time to waste! The next time Bones goes to an event he expects to see a colony of bathroom bandit officers in every latrine.
The talker/moaner: People that want to make noise while they relieve themselves in the comfort of their own home should by all means go for it. However, in a public restroom it's simply not neccesary. Any man that has frequented a bathroom has cowered in fear as the violator lets out a moan like he is recieving a massage from a Swedish model the second the process commences. As if this is not horrific enough in some instances this person will talk to the process. I am not sure how you talk to a process but it occurs. They ussually mutter something like, "Yea, that's what I am talking about." That's what you are talking about? Were you expecting a different result then the first a million times you did this or have you recently started using FloMax? Either way I propose a law making talking while at the urinal illegal. Violators will be kicked out of the event and monitored in the future.
The Looker: The looker is the bathroom bandit that worries me the most. We have all caught a glimpse of one of the linesmates in our shift at the unrinal by accident but this guy makes it a habit. You have been waiting in line for what seems like an hour after having to hold it the entire second quarter. The last thing you need when you finally get a chance to exhale is to worry about some guy checking your guy out. My proposed punishment for this is instant arrest and a lifetime ban from the stadium or venue.
The Long urinator: All frequenters of public events have unfortunately encountered one of these. The man who seems convinced that the longer you urinate the more likely it is that everyone in the bathroom thinks you could work in the adult film industry. This robber of the 3rd quarter kickoff stands in front of the troft longer than the average man stays in a stall. About a minute into the process he always turns his head over the shoulder and looks at the rest of his line mockingly, as if to say, "Yea, this is going to be awhile and you know what that means." Fortunately, I don't. I have heard of big hands and feet meaning that but they have been dismissed as myths. We can do the same with the long urinator. Those accused of this shall be forced to use stalls from now on.
The shaker/leaner: I was told by a teacher in high school that if you shake it more than once you're playing with it. While I have always heeded this advice is public restrooms we have all ran into someone who never recieved or defiantly ignored the suggestion. When this guy's stream finishes he immediately begins to shake his member like he has been tasered in an apparent attempt to eliminate the possibility of ever having to go again. Sometimes, he will lean both hands against the wall and simply shake his body. Fans convicted of this will be forced to watch the rest of the event wearing a straight jacket.
There is no time to waste! The next time Bones goes to an event he expects to see a colony of bathroom bandit officers in every latrine.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
It's Fantastic!
The NBA season is minutes away from starting and Bones has never been happier. Yes, I know this great country is now run by the NFL but to me nothing beats the NBA. Individual NFL games are definitely more important, more fun and more intense but you can only realistically watch 4 games a week while in the NBA you can watch almost that many in a night. And No, I do not like college basketball better. In college most guys who are 6'10 struggle to make it up and down the court and look more awkward outside the paint then the guys on the Pick Up Artist due in the field. In the NBA 6'10 guys like Amare Stoudamire and Dirk Nowitzki can not only run the floor but also can hit jumper after jumper with relative ease. In college Randolph Childress and J.J. Reddick are stars, in the NBA they are to short, to slow and to weak. These guys are simply the best athletes in the world and yes they coast from time to time but if you played 41 road games the night after having VIP access to the best clubs in the world wouldn't you? With my love for the NBA oozing out of my pores I will attempt to enter the seven most important questions entering the upcoming season.
7) Will Mike D'Antoni make the Knicks relevant again?
My answer to this is an emphatic yes. Just a few of the many reasons D'Antoni will be better than his predecessor Isiah Thomas: He does not eat all his meals at Red Lobster, he can grow facial hair, he has never said it is part of his culture to refer to women as "bitches" and he actually has a basketball philosophy. New York's roster still looks like an auto picked fantasy team but there is potentail there. David Lee and Nate Robinson both seem like perfect fits for a team run by D'Antoni and Zach Randolph should get enough shots to make him play relatively hard. The Knicks will not be great but in the weaker conference I think a 7th or 8th place finish is not out of the question.
6) Will Elton Brand be able to take the Sixers to the next level?
No, call me crazy but if I was a GM it would hard for me to justify giving franchise player money to a guy coming off a ruptures achilles whose voice is the opposite of Barry White's. Elton Brand is a great player but he does not put the Sixers ahead of the Celtics, Pistons or Cavs. It is possible the Sixers will sneak into the second round but they are still a year or two away from being relevant.
5) How will the Mavericks respond to Rick Carlisle?
Although, I am as big of an Avery Johnson as there is the Mavericks will be better this year. Sometimes in the NBA it is simply time for a change. You can only expect grown men to listen to Lil Penny for so long. Although Carlisle is also known as a rigid coach the Mavericks will be playing with a newfound vigor this year. Dirk's locks will be flowing, the Jet will be draining deep threes and Josh Howard will be shooting 15 foul shots a game while the lyrics of Bob Marley echo is his head just like old times.
4) Is it the end of the road for the Pistons?
Bones, like the guys from Boys 2 Men is not ready for this ride to be over and is trying to convince himself the boys from Mo Town have something left in the tank. Realistically, it looks like another Eastern Conference finals exit but if Rodney Stuckey and Amir Johnson step up and have huge years you never know. It will be interesting to see how the Pistons react to having Flip Saunders replaced by former Piston Michael Curry. Curry who in a heated contest barely beat out Kurt Rambis as the worst shooter in NBA history, is supposed to light a fire under this group of perrenially undermotivated group. We will see.
3) Is it the end of the road for the Spurs?
No, it is not! The Spurs will start out 15-14 or something like that as they do every year and Tim Legler like he does every year will declare them dead. In-between this proclamation and the end of the season Legler will look in the mirror over 1,000 times and the Spurs will rebound to win 50 games. The combination of Parker and Duncan will be able to tread water until Ginobili comes back and they will end up being a factor just like they always are.
2)Is LeBron James human?
This is debatable. I heard on the television the other day that somehow he is still growing and is now almost 6'10 and weighs 255. That is just propostorous. It is hard not to wonder what type of numbers he would put up in a normal system. But alas, he plays for Cleveland. Mike Brown should win Coach of the Year every year for the sole reason that he can make a team with possibly the most exciting player ever tought to watch. If D'Antoni is still in New York when King James ascends upon the Big Apple he could possibly average 40, 8 and 8. For now we will just have to be content with the handful of "holy hell he was higher than Josh Howard moments" and a bunch of shots of Brown adjusting his glasses while thinking of ways to prolong Zydrunas Ilgauskas's career.
1) Will the Lakers and Celtics meet again in the finals?
The answer is probably yes. Now for some more important questions. Would you take the over or under of how many showers Pau Gasol takes a year if the line was set at 3.5? If Gasol wore a tight black pants, a vest with shoulder pads and donned a red cape would him posing as a bull fighter not be the greatest Halloween costume of all time? Picture it before you answer. What type of shampoo does Sasha Vulijic wear to get that kind of texture and glow? As for the Celtics, Do you think Gus Frerrotte has ever called KG and warned him about the danger of assuming just because a surface is padded you can head butt it as hard as you want? Is Rajon Rando the best real name of a professional athlete ever? Can anyone think of a worse NBA Jam team than Brian Scalabrine and Scott Pollard? On that note, let the season begin.
7) Will Mike D'Antoni make the Knicks relevant again?
My answer to this is an emphatic yes. Just a few of the many reasons D'Antoni will be better than his predecessor Isiah Thomas: He does not eat all his meals at Red Lobster, he can grow facial hair, he has never said it is part of his culture to refer to women as "bitches" and he actually has a basketball philosophy. New York's roster still looks like an auto picked fantasy team but there is potentail there. David Lee and Nate Robinson both seem like perfect fits for a team run by D'Antoni and Zach Randolph should get enough shots to make him play relatively hard. The Knicks will not be great but in the weaker conference I think a 7th or 8th place finish is not out of the question.
6) Will Elton Brand be able to take the Sixers to the next level?
No, call me crazy but if I was a GM it would hard for me to justify giving franchise player money to a guy coming off a ruptures achilles whose voice is the opposite of Barry White's. Elton Brand is a great player but he does not put the Sixers ahead of the Celtics, Pistons or Cavs. It is possible the Sixers will sneak into the second round but they are still a year or two away from being relevant.
5) How will the Mavericks respond to Rick Carlisle?
Although, I am as big of an Avery Johnson as there is the Mavericks will be better this year. Sometimes in the NBA it is simply time for a change. You can only expect grown men to listen to Lil Penny for so long. Although Carlisle is also known as a rigid coach the Mavericks will be playing with a newfound vigor this year. Dirk's locks will be flowing, the Jet will be draining deep threes and Josh Howard will be shooting 15 foul shots a game while the lyrics of Bob Marley echo is his head just like old times.
4) Is it the end of the road for the Pistons?
Bones, like the guys from Boys 2 Men is not ready for this ride to be over and is trying to convince himself the boys from Mo Town have something left in the tank. Realistically, it looks like another Eastern Conference finals exit but if Rodney Stuckey and Amir Johnson step up and have huge years you never know. It will be interesting to see how the Pistons react to having Flip Saunders replaced by former Piston Michael Curry. Curry who in a heated contest barely beat out Kurt Rambis as the worst shooter in NBA history, is supposed to light a fire under this group of perrenially undermotivated group. We will see.
3) Is it the end of the road for the Spurs?
No, it is not! The Spurs will start out 15-14 or something like that as they do every year and Tim Legler like he does every year will declare them dead. In-between this proclamation and the end of the season Legler will look in the mirror over 1,000 times and the Spurs will rebound to win 50 games. The combination of Parker and Duncan will be able to tread water until Ginobili comes back and they will end up being a factor just like they always are.
2)Is LeBron James human?
This is debatable. I heard on the television the other day that somehow he is still growing and is now almost 6'10 and weighs 255. That is just propostorous. It is hard not to wonder what type of numbers he would put up in a normal system. But alas, he plays for Cleveland. Mike Brown should win Coach of the Year every year for the sole reason that he can make a team with possibly the most exciting player ever tought to watch. If D'Antoni is still in New York when King James ascends upon the Big Apple he could possibly average 40, 8 and 8. For now we will just have to be content with the handful of "holy hell he was higher than Josh Howard moments" and a bunch of shots of Brown adjusting his glasses while thinking of ways to prolong Zydrunas Ilgauskas's career.
1) Will the Lakers and Celtics meet again in the finals?
The answer is probably yes. Now for some more important questions. Would you take the over or under of how many showers Pau Gasol takes a year if the line was set at 3.5? If Gasol wore a tight black pants, a vest with shoulder pads and donned a red cape would him posing as a bull fighter not be the greatest Halloween costume of all time? Picture it before you answer. What type of shampoo does Sasha Vulijic wear to get that kind of texture and glow? As for the Celtics, Do you think Gus Frerrotte has ever called KG and warned him about the danger of assuming just because a surface is padded you can head butt it as hard as you want? Is Rajon Rando the best real name of a professional athlete ever? Can anyone think of a worse NBA Jam team than Brian Scalabrine and Scott Pollard? On that note, let the season begin.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
You could have gone down the street
The "weekly thing that bothers me section" has returned because of extremely high demand. The blog was actually temporarily shut down because google could not handle the ammount of traffic on the website that was being created by desperate requests made by desperate people. People who simply wanted to know what is bothering Bones. Fear no more my friends it has returned. What has really been bothering Bones this week is people who believe that they are smarter than the average American because they "save" 4 cents a gallon on gas. I have been part of or overheard the following conversation countless times in the last few months.
Normal Person 1: "Man I just got gas it sure is expensive these days."
Not Normal Person: "Where do you go?"
Normal Person: "The Texaco on Broad it was like $3.60"
Not Normal Person: "Pssssh Well uh, yea, of course your complaining it is only $3.56 at the Amoco a block down the street."
Everytime this conversation occurs I wish everyone involved was suddenly in a laundry room so I could throw this person in a dryer and leave. It is absolutely shocking to me how people will drive around town in effort to find gas that is 4 cents cheaper. At one point in my life I drove a Suburban, it used to be filled up $4 at a time because I had just graduated college and was living at the beach scooping ice cream, but let's say a normal person is driving a Suburban and fills up the entire 40 gallon tank. Those Louis & Clark's of low gas prices out there would save a whopping $1.60 cents per fill up. In a normal car you would about 50 cents and that is before you take out the amount of time spent driving around to find the cheapest gas. I am all for people making good economic decisions but next time you hear a conversation like this do the country a favor and let this person know exactly how Bones feels about this situation. Speaking of strong economic decision it is time for the "Travis Henry locks of the Week." Those who have been complaining about last week's subpar 3-3 performance remember I am 11-7 on the year and treading water is better than drowning.
Saturday)
12:30 ESPN Game Plan Kentucky plus 25.5 at Florida) "But Bones Florida beat LSU by 30." Yes this is true but that was a night game when the players and fans had all day to get jacked up and some French guy on LSU actually said he was going to hurt Tim Tebow. Florida has been inconsistent all year and I do not see them repeating that performance. The Wildcats are playing the polar opposite of their previous teams and have one of the best defenses in the nation. They lost at Alabama by a mere 3 points and shut out a decent Louisville team. Although, I will sleep with a night lite on for picking against Tebow's Gators I think Kentucky covers. Florida 31, Kentucky 13.
3:30 ABC Oklahoma State plus 12 at Texas) Last week I did claim that picking against someone with the name Colt McCoy is utterly rediculous but last week Colt was not playing against a team coached by a man like Mike Gundy. He's 40! This is Texas' third straight huge game and the Cowboys have been impressive all year. On a more serious not whatever happened to that writer that Gundy, after practicing over 100x in front of a mirror, destroyed during that 20 minute tirade? I bet her and Steve Bartman got married and their bedroom looks like Ray Finkel's in Ace Ventura but with Cubs and Cowboys gear. Laces out! Texas 35, Oklahoma State 27.
8:00 ABC Ohio State plus 2.5 vs Penn State) What is the deal with this ESPN on ABC garbage. Yes, I know they are owned by the same company but I am tired of having to run out of the room when they flash to Stuart Scott as he prepares to ask me what's good? Stuart, what would be good is if you decided to host a game show called, "how to let people know you are not from the inner city by trying to talk like you are" but until then I simply do not have an answer. Anyways, I know there are a million reasons Penn State should win this game but I cannot bring myself to bet against Ohio State in a Big Ten game. Ohio State 21 Penn State 20.
Sunday)
1 p.m. on FOX Panthers -4 vs. Cardinals) Arizona is 1-2 on the road this year with that win coming over the mighty 49Ers. The Panthers dismantled the Saints last week at home and this week should be more of the same. Carolina will get pressure on Kurt Warner and loose body parts and the football will start flying all over the field. If Steve Smith punched you in the face and you were now known as that guy that got punched in the face would you really want him to give you the ball after he scored a touchdown drawing more attention to the fact that he punched you in the face. Panthers 31, Cardinals 20.
Monday)
8:30 on ESPN Titans -4 vs. Colts) Did anyone else see the highlight of Landele White's 70 yard touchdown run. You cannot tell me as you were watchin that you didn't think to yourself that might have been the only td of over a yard I actually think I would have had a chance to score on. The reason for picking against the Colts again is they are just not that good this year. They got dismantled on the road last week against a lesser team than the Titans. Titans 21, Colts 14.
Does it really matter who you play in the NFL? I have been just as worried during this 3 game string the Redskins finish Sunday against the Rams, Browns and Lions as I was when the won at Philly and Dallas. A win here would result in a huge Monday Night game against the Steelers right before the bye week. Good luck this week and I hope Tony Siragusa is not on the field for your teams' game.
Normal Person 1: "Man I just got gas it sure is expensive these days."
Not Normal Person: "Where do you go?"
Normal Person: "The Texaco on Broad it was like $3.60"
Not Normal Person: "Pssssh Well uh, yea, of course your complaining it is only $3.56 at the Amoco a block down the street."
Everytime this conversation occurs I wish everyone involved was suddenly in a laundry room so I could throw this person in a dryer and leave. It is absolutely shocking to me how people will drive around town in effort to find gas that is 4 cents cheaper. At one point in my life I drove a Suburban, it used to be filled up $4 at a time because I had just graduated college and was living at the beach scooping ice cream, but let's say a normal person is driving a Suburban and fills up the entire 40 gallon tank. Those Louis & Clark's of low gas prices out there would save a whopping $1.60 cents per fill up. In a normal car you would about 50 cents and that is before you take out the amount of time spent driving around to find the cheapest gas. I am all for people making good economic decisions but next time you hear a conversation like this do the country a favor and let this person know exactly how Bones feels about this situation. Speaking of strong economic decision it is time for the "Travis Henry locks of the Week." Those who have been complaining about last week's subpar 3-3 performance remember I am 11-7 on the year and treading water is better than drowning.
Saturday)
12:30 ESPN Game Plan Kentucky plus 25.5 at Florida) "But Bones Florida beat LSU by 30." Yes this is true but that was a night game when the players and fans had all day to get jacked up and some French guy on LSU actually said he was going to hurt Tim Tebow. Florida has been inconsistent all year and I do not see them repeating that performance. The Wildcats are playing the polar opposite of their previous teams and have one of the best defenses in the nation. They lost at Alabama by a mere 3 points and shut out a decent Louisville team. Although, I will sleep with a night lite on for picking against Tebow's Gators I think Kentucky covers. Florida 31, Kentucky 13.
3:30 ABC Oklahoma State plus 12 at Texas) Last week I did claim that picking against someone with the name Colt McCoy is utterly rediculous but last week Colt was not playing against a team coached by a man like Mike Gundy. He's 40! This is Texas' third straight huge game and the Cowboys have been impressive all year. On a more serious not whatever happened to that writer that Gundy, after practicing over 100x in front of a mirror, destroyed during that 20 minute tirade? I bet her and Steve Bartman got married and their bedroom looks like Ray Finkel's in Ace Ventura but with Cubs and Cowboys gear. Laces out! Texas 35, Oklahoma State 27.
8:00 ABC Ohio State plus 2.5 vs Penn State) What is the deal with this ESPN on ABC garbage. Yes, I know they are owned by the same company but I am tired of having to run out of the room when they flash to Stuart Scott as he prepares to ask me what's good? Stuart, what would be good is if you decided to host a game show called, "how to let people know you are not from the inner city by trying to talk like you are" but until then I simply do not have an answer. Anyways, I know there are a million reasons Penn State should win this game but I cannot bring myself to bet against Ohio State in a Big Ten game. Ohio State 21 Penn State 20.
Sunday)
1 p.m. on FOX Panthers -4 vs. Cardinals) Arizona is 1-2 on the road this year with that win coming over the mighty 49Ers. The Panthers dismantled the Saints last week at home and this week should be more of the same. Carolina will get pressure on Kurt Warner and loose body parts and the football will start flying all over the field. If Steve Smith punched you in the face and you were now known as that guy that got punched in the face would you really want him to give you the ball after he scored a touchdown drawing more attention to the fact that he punched you in the face. Panthers 31, Cardinals 20.
Monday)
8:30 on ESPN Titans -4 vs. Colts) Did anyone else see the highlight of Landele White's 70 yard touchdown run. You cannot tell me as you were watchin that you didn't think to yourself that might have been the only td of over a yard I actually think I would have had a chance to score on. The reason for picking against the Colts again is they are just not that good this year. They got dismantled on the road last week against a lesser team than the Titans. Titans 21, Colts 14.
Does it really matter who you play in the NFL? I have been just as worried during this 3 game string the Redskins finish Sunday against the Rams, Browns and Lions as I was when the won at Philly and Dallas. A win here would result in a huge Monday Night game against the Steelers right before the bye week. Good luck this week and I hope Tony Siragusa is not on the field for your teams' game.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Monday Night Football
Did not get a chance to bless the blagosphere today so I decided to to give a running commentary on tonights game. "But Bones other people have already done that." To that I say millions of men had done the "hip hip hooray" chant before this season but that did not stop Jim Zorn from perfecting it.
8:28: Is it possible that HD television is the best and worst invention of all time? It is undeniable it makes sports, close ups of cheerleaders and Kate from Lost look incredible. It also blatantly obvious that Tony Kornheiser's combover and Mike Tirico's hairline running away were not meant to be viewed in high definition. One of my roomates pointed out that Kornheiser wears an unbelivable amount of jewelry that looks like it was bought at a pawn shop. I had never noticed but it seriously looks like he traded a 16 inch black and white tv with a busted antenna for whatever is dangling from his wrist.
8:42: Not sure how to feel about the potential broken finger hampering Cutler. This would mean my fantasy week and season are all but over but Patrick Ramsey would get in the game. Millions just uttered who the hell wants to see him play? Bones does, that is who. I and dozens of others were convinced Ramsey would save the Redskins franchise until he became "injury prone." I would say being injury prone might have had something to do with Steve Spurrier's blocking schemes giving him about as much chance of dodging tacklers as civilians have of dodging Cowboys fans jumping off the bandwagon. It looked like he was destined to get another chance until Joe Gibbs decided he wanted to start a quarterback that was almost as old as he was and traded for Mark Brunell. Even though Brunell couldn't throw the ball farther than 5 yards and took several years off my life expectancy he fought his guts out every Sunday and could grow a pretty decent beard. An appearance by Ramsey would also assure an epic exchange of words between "Jaws" and Kornheiser. The topic has already been vehemently discussed in preseason with Jaworski siding with Ramsey while Kornheiser bashed him.
9:05: Did Kornheiser just say you could roast marshmellows on Shanahan's forehead? That brings up a plethora of other questions: Why would preparing a s'more on someone's face ever cross your mind? How many people just said to themselvs some more of what? Followed by your killing me Smalls? Did he say that because Shanahan is mad or because he always looks like he fell asleep under the tanning bed no matter the season? Does the Broncos Head Coach go tanning, stand on top of the Rockies when there are wind advisories or simply hold his breath the entire game to make his face look like that?
9:40: This game is pretty tough to watch, flipping channels I just saw that guy Perez Hilton guy on an MTV commercial. Is their any away we can trade him to another country? How about France? If Bones was the President and they proposed taking him if we would only eat croisants and shun deodorant for a week then he would be on the next flight out of the country. What is Cutler doing? All I need is for him to have more points than Matt Casell in order to avoid being eliminated in my fantasy league's suicide pool and he cannot get it done. "Suicide fantasy pool" are 3 words that should never be put together again, ever.
9:48: "That injury is really going to hurt Champ Bailey's chances in dancing with the stars." Kornheiser really just said that. How can he be so good on PTI and so abysmal as a broadcaster? The MNF broadcast booth is like Oakland, where talented people go to die. As I type this he just said "Big ups to Rodney Harrison." He must have looked at Stuart Scott's computer history and stumbled upon urbandictionary.com. 20-0 nothing at halftime, this is a debacle.
10:07: If France proposes to take this guy that comes on the Hills aftershow with the all black shades and vest I would throw in women in America not shaving their armpits for a week.
10:31: Did anyone else just see that? Another perfect example of my theory that hoodlums are beating up rich people and taking their tickets. Moss just put the Patriots up 27-0 to make this game even more unwatchable. After the score he does the "Gillette jump," uncleverly coined by Tirico, into the waiting arms of a guy with his face painted purple, a helmet from Nordic times and the NFL emblem tatoo. How did that guy get those tickets? They just showed him again and he also has Vikings and Packers tats. Aren't they rivals? Everytime for the rest of my life I start to think too much of my time is being spent watching sports this modern day Leaf Erickson will enter my mind and the game will be turned back on. There is definitely an unconcious person laying in the parking lot wearing an authentic Tom Brady Jersey, minus an extremely expensive ticket and rolex.
10:46: Is there any possibility future MNF games can be played in silence. Jaworski just made a "quack, quack quack" noise in response to an errant pass by Casel. If only this was Duck Hunt and I was 9 again! The toy gun would be 2 inches from the tv and I would pull the trigger the next time they showed the ex-Eagle in hopes it would silence him for the rest of the game. Flipping through channels again I stumbled upon a Jose Canseco reality show. He is recieving "testorone therapy" as he weens himself off steroids. Let's leave that alone. For all the good that has come out of reality television there is no way it outweighs the bad.
11:08: Thankfully for the reader I can no longer justify staying up for this game. It looks like Cutler will be outscored by Casel. The night has been a total waste except for Audrina being in a bikini for over half of the new Hills episode. Justin Bobby needs to make an instructional video titled "How to date dimes while treating showers and shaving like a virus."
8:28: Is it possible that HD television is the best and worst invention of all time? It is undeniable it makes sports, close ups of cheerleaders and Kate from Lost look incredible. It also blatantly obvious that Tony Kornheiser's combover and Mike Tirico's hairline running away were not meant to be viewed in high definition. One of my roomates pointed out that Kornheiser wears an unbelivable amount of jewelry that looks like it was bought at a pawn shop. I had never noticed but it seriously looks like he traded a 16 inch black and white tv with a busted antenna for whatever is dangling from his wrist.
8:42: Not sure how to feel about the potential broken finger hampering Cutler. This would mean my fantasy week and season are all but over but Patrick Ramsey would get in the game. Millions just uttered who the hell wants to see him play? Bones does, that is who. I and dozens of others were convinced Ramsey would save the Redskins franchise until he became "injury prone." I would say being injury prone might have had something to do with Steve Spurrier's blocking schemes giving him about as much chance of dodging tacklers as civilians have of dodging Cowboys fans jumping off the bandwagon. It looked like he was destined to get another chance until Joe Gibbs decided he wanted to start a quarterback that was almost as old as he was and traded for Mark Brunell. Even though Brunell couldn't throw the ball farther than 5 yards and took several years off my life expectancy he fought his guts out every Sunday and could grow a pretty decent beard. An appearance by Ramsey would also assure an epic exchange of words between "Jaws" and Kornheiser. The topic has already been vehemently discussed in preseason with Jaworski siding with Ramsey while Kornheiser bashed him.
9:05: Did Kornheiser just say you could roast marshmellows on Shanahan's forehead? That brings up a plethora of other questions: Why would preparing a s'more on someone's face ever cross your mind? How many people just said to themselvs some more of what? Followed by your killing me Smalls? Did he say that because Shanahan is mad or because he always looks like he fell asleep under the tanning bed no matter the season? Does the Broncos Head Coach go tanning, stand on top of the Rockies when there are wind advisories or simply hold his breath the entire game to make his face look like that?
9:40: This game is pretty tough to watch, flipping channels I just saw that guy Perez Hilton guy on an MTV commercial. Is their any away we can trade him to another country? How about France? If Bones was the President and they proposed taking him if we would only eat croisants and shun deodorant for a week then he would be on the next flight out of the country. What is Cutler doing? All I need is for him to have more points than Matt Casell in order to avoid being eliminated in my fantasy league's suicide pool and he cannot get it done. "Suicide fantasy pool" are 3 words that should never be put together again, ever.
9:48: "That injury is really going to hurt Champ Bailey's chances in dancing with the stars." Kornheiser really just said that. How can he be so good on PTI and so abysmal as a broadcaster? The MNF broadcast booth is like Oakland, where talented people go to die. As I type this he just said "Big ups to Rodney Harrison." He must have looked at Stuart Scott's computer history and stumbled upon urbandictionary.com. 20-0 nothing at halftime, this is a debacle.
10:07: If France proposes to take this guy that comes on the Hills aftershow with the all black shades and vest I would throw in women in America not shaving their armpits for a week.
10:31: Did anyone else just see that? Another perfect example of my theory that hoodlums are beating up rich people and taking their tickets. Moss just put the Patriots up 27-0 to make this game even more unwatchable. After the score he does the "Gillette jump," uncleverly coined by Tirico, into the waiting arms of a guy with his face painted purple, a helmet from Nordic times and the NFL emblem tatoo. How did that guy get those tickets? They just showed him again and he also has Vikings and Packers tats. Aren't they rivals? Everytime for the rest of my life I start to think too much of my time is being spent watching sports this modern day Leaf Erickson will enter my mind and the game will be turned back on. There is definitely an unconcious person laying in the parking lot wearing an authentic Tom Brady Jersey, minus an extremely expensive ticket and rolex.
10:46: Is there any possibility future MNF games can be played in silence. Jaworski just made a "quack, quack quack" noise in response to an errant pass by Casel. If only this was Duck Hunt and I was 9 again! The toy gun would be 2 inches from the tv and I would pull the trigger the next time they showed the ex-Eagle in hopes it would silence him for the rest of the game. Flipping through channels again I stumbled upon a Jose Canseco reality show. He is recieving "testorone therapy" as he weens himself off steroids. Let's leave that alone. For all the good that has come out of reality television there is no way it outweighs the bad.
11:08: Thankfully for the reader I can no longer justify staying up for this game. It looks like Cutler will be outscored by Casel. The night has been a total waste except for Audrina being in a bikini for over half of the new Hills episode. Justin Bobby needs to make an instructional video titled "How to date dimes while treating showers and shaving like a virus."
Friday, October 17, 2008
Greatest Comeback Ever?
Sadly, Bones cannot answer this question. Today's blog should be about the level of hatred I was feeling for the people of Boston during the different stages of their improbably victory last night. However, I like the rest of the world thought the Red Sox were dead. The television was on a riveting re-run of Scrubs while Big Papi brought Fenway to life with a 3-run shot. When I started getting calls that I was too close to sleep to answer it dawned on me that something had to be going on with the game so I switched back and saw it was 7-4. The game still seemed out of reach so I inexplicably returned to Scrubs and the next time my remote found TBS it was a one run game. So, all I really saw last night was a lot of Zach Braff and the eighth and ninth innings. I can make only the following observations about the game; Red Sox fans are ugly even when there happy, My mind has been changed and I am now rooting for the Rays to win the series, it was an amazing comeback even though I did not see it and Terry Francona has apparently solved the problem of double bubble's short flavor life by chewing a new piece every 10 seconds. With that in mind let's turn to what everyone has been waiting for all week. The masses are screaming, "Bones I might lose my job and the economy sucks but by golly this is America and I am going to gamble. What are this weeks "Travis Henry Locks of the Week?" Say no more my troubled friends here they are.
Saturday
12:30 hopefully available in high def with lots of shots of Georgia coeds) Georgia -14.5 vs. Vandy: "Bones you can't pick against Vandy 3 straight weeks." Why the hell not? This is America. It is abundantly clear they are still overrated and any team whose best player's name is Knoshown is alright by me. Georgia 31, Vandy 0.
3:30 available places in the South where you need satelite to get cable, So available in the South) Mississippi plus 12 at Alabama: Do you ever find yourself whispering M I S S I S S I P P I when you spell the home of Mark Twain? Hope it is not just me. Ole Miss has been solid all year, actually playing better on the road then at home and Alabama is not the type of team made to blow teams out.. More importantly, Do you think that Rebel players call their boss Coach Nutt? Alabama 31, Ole Miss 21.
8 ABC) Texas -4 vs. Missouri: This line perplexes me to say the least. It seems this is being viewed as a let down game but Mack Brown is 10-0 following the Oklahoma game so that logic is faulty. For me it comes down to the fact that no one should ever bet against someone named Colt McCoy. If Colt McCoy was my name I would introduce myself to anyone I ever came within 100 yards of me and love whichever one of my parents decided on the name way more. If it was the doctor's idea I would love him more than both. It seems it would be hard to go on with life when you will never be able to top the crowning achievement of recieving your name but Colt seems to be doing a pretty good job. I also wonder why Chase Daniel did not do crunches before the ESPN cover or at least suck in. Texas 41, Mizzou 30.
8 ESPN) South Carolina plus 2 over LSU: The reason to take South Carolina is the same reason you should have taken TCU last night. 80 percent of the public is on LSU but the line is moving the other direction. This means 1 of 2 things. Either vegas is trying to get even more people on LSU or all the big ballas on the west coast are laying it down on the Gamecocks. Either way it is good for South Carolina fans. If you combine this with the fact that Steve Spurrier will be wearing a visor during a night game you have to go with the home team. Gamecocks 21, LSU 17.
Sunday)
1 on CBS) Chargers pick'em at Buffallo: Is Boomer Esiason really talking smack to Troy Aikman? Did I just type smack? How will this conflict be settled. My proposal would be to have them participate in a quarterback challenge with the winner getting to throw the ball off the loser's face from 5 yards away 10 seconds before he goes on air. The guy who got drilled would not be allowed to wipe his his face off the whole first half. Back to the pick. I am going against Buffallo for three reasons: they have had an abysmal schedule thus far, their entire defense is listed as questionable or doubtful and they play some home games in Canada. That would be like picking a hockey team that has home games in America. What?? They have those? I am still going with San Diego. Chargers 28, Bills 24.
4:15 CBS) Packers plus 1.5 vs. Colts: Green Bay at home against a team that has one good game this season. Aaron Rodgers may have never won a Super Bowl but he has also never licked an Oreo dry on National Television. Take the Packers 21, Colts 20.
The Redskins will bounce back in a big way. If that happens and the Red Sox and Patriots lose I will have no complaints and you shouldn't either unless Tony Siragusa is on the field for your teams game.
Saturday
12:30 hopefully available in high def with lots of shots of Georgia coeds) Georgia -14.5 vs. Vandy: "Bones you can't pick against Vandy 3 straight weeks." Why the hell not? This is America. It is abundantly clear they are still overrated and any team whose best player's name is Knoshown is alright by me. Georgia 31, Vandy 0.
3:30 available places in the South where you need satelite to get cable, So available in the South) Mississippi plus 12 at Alabama: Do you ever find yourself whispering M I S S I S S I P P I when you spell the home of Mark Twain? Hope it is not just me. Ole Miss has been solid all year, actually playing better on the road then at home and Alabama is not the type of team made to blow teams out.. More importantly, Do you think that Rebel players call their boss Coach Nutt? Alabama 31, Ole Miss 21.
8 ABC) Texas -4 vs. Missouri: This line perplexes me to say the least. It seems this is being viewed as a let down game but Mack Brown is 10-0 following the Oklahoma game so that logic is faulty. For me it comes down to the fact that no one should ever bet against someone named Colt McCoy. If Colt McCoy was my name I would introduce myself to anyone I ever came within 100 yards of me and love whichever one of my parents decided on the name way more. If it was the doctor's idea I would love him more than both. It seems it would be hard to go on with life when you will never be able to top the crowning achievement of recieving your name but Colt seems to be doing a pretty good job. I also wonder why Chase Daniel did not do crunches before the ESPN cover or at least suck in. Texas 41, Mizzou 30.
8 ESPN) South Carolina plus 2 over LSU: The reason to take South Carolina is the same reason you should have taken TCU last night. 80 percent of the public is on LSU but the line is moving the other direction. This means 1 of 2 things. Either vegas is trying to get even more people on LSU or all the big ballas on the west coast are laying it down on the Gamecocks. Either way it is good for South Carolina fans. If you combine this with the fact that Steve Spurrier will be wearing a visor during a night game you have to go with the home team. Gamecocks 21, LSU 17.
Sunday)
1 on CBS) Chargers pick'em at Buffallo: Is Boomer Esiason really talking smack to Troy Aikman? Did I just type smack? How will this conflict be settled. My proposal would be to have them participate in a quarterback challenge with the winner getting to throw the ball off the loser's face from 5 yards away 10 seconds before he goes on air. The guy who got drilled would not be allowed to wipe his his face off the whole first half. Back to the pick. I am going against Buffallo for three reasons: they have had an abysmal schedule thus far, their entire defense is listed as questionable or doubtful and they play some home games in Canada. That would be like picking a hockey team that has home games in America. What?? They have those? I am still going with San Diego. Chargers 28, Bills 24.
4:15 CBS) Packers plus 1.5 vs. Colts: Green Bay at home against a team that has one good game this season. Aaron Rodgers may have never won a Super Bowl but he has also never licked an Oreo dry on National Television. Take the Packers 21, Colts 20.
The Redskins will bounce back in a big way. If that happens and the Red Sox and Patriots lose I will have no complaints and you shouldn't either unless Tony Siragusa is on the field for your teams game.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Matt Stairs?
In the last two nights the chances of a dream series between the Red Sox and the Dodgers were all but eliminated. Did I not clearly state last week that I would switch from a sideline report of Erin Andrews in the nude to see this series? So what the hell is going on?
The Dodgers shot at the title was ended by a Canadian of all people. It is undeniable Matt Stairs' bomb, which still has not landed, makes a great story. Stairs is a journeyman, whose closet probably contains nothing but jerseys from the 11 teams he has played for and flannel, and he comes in and hits one of the biggest home runs in Phillies' history. A 40 year old, whose only possible endorsement oppurtunity would be with jack links beef jerky if they inconcievably decided to end the messing with Sasquatch commercials, sticks a dagger into the Los Angeles Dodgers. In addition to propelling his team to the brink of the World Series the mammouth shot also produced one of the most awkward high fives of all time. When the ball left the yard, Jayson Werth looked at Greg Dobbs as if they were at a Star Trek convention and had just gotten William Shatner's autograph. Dobbs responded by slapping Werth's hand like Napolean Dynamite slapped the tetherball after he got rejected by Summer Sanders. Stairs has had a respectable career, but there is no way anyone expected a guy who has not had a hit in more than a month to hit a bomb off a pitcher who has not allowed one at home in almost three years. Unexpected heroes like Stairs are what makes the baseball postseason great. But I do not care about that. The only thing the home run combined with Boston getting outscored by a team that no one cares about 22-6 really means is that the dream scenario of Manny back in Boston is almost assuredly not going to happen.
Time for the daily "thing that bothers me section." Today there are actually two. Before I state the first thing that bothers let me preface it by saying that I do not judge people based on their education level, dress or occupation. There are plenty of millionaires that did not finish high school and there are who people who graduated from Princeton and have never held a steady job. This being said I cannot be the only one that notices that the fans shown in the front row at NFL games have to be beating people up in the parking lot and taking their tickets. Their is no other explanation. The people with the best seats in the stadium seriously all look like members of ZZ Top. I noticed this during the first Monday night game in Oakland and said to myself, come on Bones that is just Oakland. However, I have noticed it more in more over the ensuing weeks. I then tried to tell myself 3 6 mafia and the Grateful Dead have a ton of members and they might like football. But on monday I came to a realization that this could not be the case. With about a minute left in the first half of Cleveland's beat down of the Giants they showed a guy who looked like what I imagine John the Baptist would look like beating a dog bone against the padding in front of his 1st row seat on the 50. It is understandable that if he is trying to model his entire life after the saint than he is not spending much money at the grocery store. However, there is no way he is saving enough to shell out 2gs for season tickets. Either these guys are betting against Charles Barkley or mauling rich people in the parking lot and I want answers!
Second thing that bothers me is Tony Siragusa. He was a good football player, probably great guy and all that but he is an abysmal addition to any broadcast. Why does he have to state that he is on the field before everything he says? Everyone knows he is on the freaking field. He tells the viewer that they do not understand how big these guys are unless they are on the field over 100 times a game. Goose, everyone in the world knows that people who are 6'5 330 are massive. He says things like, "on the field you can really tell that Jason Campbell is talking a lot in the Redskins' huddle but I only know that because I am on the field." Wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that he is the one who gets the plays from the coach and the Redskins although well coached are not to the point yet where they can telepathically communicate with their quarterback? I am also bitter because he was "on the field" for the Skins loss to the Rams making Washington 0-30 all time when he does their games.
Just a reminder "Travis Henry locks of the Week" were 5-2. Bones, yes I am going third person because that is what you do when you have a unique gift, might have to start charging for these picks. Especially considering I almost guessed two scores, (Bones: UNC 28, ND 24, Actual: UNC 28, ND 23; Bones Miss State 17, Vandy 13, Actualy Miss State 17, Vandy 14) exactly.
The Dodgers shot at the title was ended by a Canadian of all people. It is undeniable Matt Stairs' bomb, which still has not landed, makes a great story. Stairs is a journeyman, whose closet probably contains nothing but jerseys from the 11 teams he has played for and flannel, and he comes in and hits one of the biggest home runs in Phillies' history. A 40 year old, whose only possible endorsement oppurtunity would be with jack links beef jerky if they inconcievably decided to end the messing with Sasquatch commercials, sticks a dagger into the Los Angeles Dodgers. In addition to propelling his team to the brink of the World Series the mammouth shot also produced one of the most awkward high fives of all time. When the ball left the yard, Jayson Werth looked at Greg Dobbs as if they were at a Star Trek convention and had just gotten William Shatner's autograph. Dobbs responded by slapping Werth's hand like Napolean Dynamite slapped the tetherball after he got rejected by Summer Sanders. Stairs has had a respectable career, but there is no way anyone expected a guy who has not had a hit in more than a month to hit a bomb off a pitcher who has not allowed one at home in almost three years. Unexpected heroes like Stairs are what makes the baseball postseason great. But I do not care about that. The only thing the home run combined with Boston getting outscored by a team that no one cares about 22-6 really means is that the dream scenario of Manny back in Boston is almost assuredly not going to happen.
Time for the daily "thing that bothers me section." Today there are actually two. Before I state the first thing that bothers let me preface it by saying that I do not judge people based on their education level, dress or occupation. There are plenty of millionaires that did not finish high school and there are who people who graduated from Princeton and have never held a steady job. This being said I cannot be the only one that notices that the fans shown in the front row at NFL games have to be beating people up in the parking lot and taking their tickets. Their is no other explanation. The people with the best seats in the stadium seriously all look like members of ZZ Top. I noticed this during the first Monday night game in Oakland and said to myself, come on Bones that is just Oakland. However, I have noticed it more in more over the ensuing weeks. I then tried to tell myself 3 6 mafia and the Grateful Dead have a ton of members and they might like football. But on monday I came to a realization that this could not be the case. With about a minute left in the first half of Cleveland's beat down of the Giants they showed a guy who looked like what I imagine John the Baptist would look like beating a dog bone against the padding in front of his 1st row seat on the 50. It is understandable that if he is trying to model his entire life after the saint than he is not spending much money at the grocery store. However, there is no way he is saving enough to shell out 2gs for season tickets. Either these guys are betting against Charles Barkley or mauling rich people in the parking lot and I want answers!
Second thing that bothers me is Tony Siragusa. He was a good football player, probably great guy and all that but he is an abysmal addition to any broadcast. Why does he have to state that he is on the field before everything he says? Everyone knows he is on the freaking field. He tells the viewer that they do not understand how big these guys are unless they are on the field over 100 times a game. Goose, everyone in the world knows that people who are 6'5 330 are massive. He says things like, "on the field you can really tell that Jason Campbell is talking a lot in the Redskins' huddle but I only know that because I am on the field." Wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that he is the one who gets the plays from the coach and the Redskins although well coached are not to the point yet where they can telepathically communicate with their quarterback? I am also bitter because he was "on the field" for the Skins loss to the Rams making Washington 0-30 all time when he does their games.
Just a reminder "Travis Henry locks of the Week" were 5-2. Bones, yes I am going third person because that is what you do when you have a unique gift, might have to start charging for these picks. Especially considering I almost guessed two scores, (Bones: UNC 28, ND 24, Actual: UNC 28, ND 23; Bones Miss State 17, Vandy 13, Actualy Miss State 17, Vandy 14) exactly.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
